Leona Lewis - HecklerSpray

Hey, Leona Lewis: Stop Being So Goddamn Boring

October 11th, 2012 By Ross Semple

It’s that time of year again, when Leona Lewis emerges from the woodwork to release a series of uninspiring ballads. Lewis, or ‘Ballad in a Ballgown’ as I lovingly call her, is one hell of a singer. The only problem is, she’s boring as sin and therefore not a very good celebrity. If she wants to grab headlines, she’s got to ditch the meaningful ditties and start singing about ‘da club’ over a thumping bassline.

If you are not aware of Leona Lewis, which is entirely possible considering her coyness, introduce her. Lewis entered the UK version of?The X Factor?in 2006, easily making it to the final and beating cheeseball Ray Quinn to become champion. The next year, she released her debut single to massive success. ‘Bleeding Love’, which I still maintain is about menstruation, topped the chart in both the US and the UK. Her album, Spirit achieved similar success; which no doubt made Leona smile, rather than celebrate by taking a lot of intravenous drugs.

Leona Lewis Goes On And On And On About How She Isn’t Boring

May 31st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

When conducting an interview with Leona Lewis, it is best to set a tape recorder running because, should you fall asleep with tedium (an absolutely certainty), you’ll still get a document of the words she says.

Alas, the problem is, is that, when you listen to those same words back, you’ll fall into a coma all over again, leaving you with a predicament. hecklerspray tends to rig a car battery to the soft, delicate skin of the genital area to keep us from wholly passing-out.

And yet, despite this, Leona Lewis has the audacity to suggest that she isn’t boring at all. She’s not boring, because she says she isn’t boring. Not because she actually wants to tell us of the non-boring things she indulges in. She won’t even talk about her curdling hatred of cats.

Leona Lewis Claims Valentine?s Day Most Tedious Award

February 14th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Oh look! It's Valentine?s Day which means one of two things: If you happen to be single and lonely like us, you\’ll be spending the day furiously masturbating whilst eating a fist full of chocolate, all in the name of creating a fake romantic setting. For the loved up, couples everywhere will be bankrupting themselves as they spent money on tacky gifts like stuffed bears that hilariously say, ?I WUV U.?

If you're a bloke and manage to get your special lady more than just a bunch of flowers for the garage that end up smelling of diesel rather than nectar, what can you expect back? Sex! Well, that's what usually happens with folk who are all loved up.

But how to set the mood? A meal that isn't microwaved? Candle light? Rose petals scattered everywhere? If you're a traditionalist yes, but now Leona Lewis can help improve the setting.

Leona Lewis Fails At Being Adventurous In Fashion

February 10th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

There are obvious differences between men and women. Once the smuttier of you look beyond the bouncing boobies or the swinging willies, things take a sinister, much darker path. Men are seen as the dominant aggressor with males receiving higher salaries and gaining more power in the company food chain.

This train of thought dilutes to almost everywhere in society. Pop music constantly sees women having to reinvent themselves so they maintain an audience, or as it's known, the male gaze.

Do The Saturdays want to prance around in the knickers or sing catchy songs? We?ll never know, but we doubt Loaded Magazine haven't offered Bob Dylan a shoot in sexy French lingerie. With Rihanna and Britney Spears already make an effort to keep up with Lady Gaga; it was the turn for Leona Lewis to look edgy and cool at the premier of Justin Bieber?s recent film. Even though she has the X-Factor PR monster behind her, it didn't stop the Bleeding Love singer looking stupid.

Leona Lewis Tells Lies And Hates All Of The Animal Kingdom

December 1st, 2010 By Paul Pencott

Do you know what's fascinating about Leona Lewis? Nothing of course. In terms of phenomena, she's like ?that funny noise the fridge makes? ? something you're vaguely aware of but couldn't ever really have a strong feeling about.

Or so we thought, because look out world ? Leona Lewis has been lying her expressionless face off.

You know how she ?weally wuvs animwals? and is a public supporter of PETA? To the extent that she almost caused a mutiny among her road-crew the other month for insisting they all refrain from eating meat – surely the least interesting way to upset anyone ever?

Horse-Faced Leona Lewis Acts Like A Cow

June 22nd, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

To a meat-craving carnivore, the gentle tones of Leona Lewis?s Bleeding Love may be the most ironically bittersweet anthem ever.

Unless you like steaks cooked so rare that the blood doubles as a refreshing beverage, then you wouldn't want it served up alongside a plate stack with chicken wings, sausage and horse legs.

Sadly, Bleeding Love isn't about draining animal blood or that regular occurrence that lady folk go through every month. Actually, we don't even know what it means, but blood and animal deaths is something Leona Lewis feels strongly about. Thankfully she isn't jumping on the random celebrity cookbook bandwagon like Sophie Dahl. Instead, she's getting the hump with her tour staff for indulging in that age-old tradition of munching meat for survival. Let's hope she doesn't get angry ? she might sing at them.

Leona Lewis Rides Roughshod Over Lawyers On Figurative And Actual Horse

June 1st, 2010 By Robyn Wilder

Leona Lewis doesn’t care what you think, especially if you’re a lawyer.

Lawyers don’t have vision. Leona Lewis has vision. Leona Lewis has a vision of herself riding a horse onto the stage during her UK tour, and she’s NOT going to wear a hard hat, no matter what you stuffy old lawyers say.

Got it?

Leona Lewis Turns Into An Inoffensive Rebel

March 4th, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

As far as mainstream pop music goes, we can all say that the last person we?d think would get up to no good would be Leona Lewis.

After all, she did win X Factor in which the contestant is decided not just on their singing skills, but about whether they look right, can dance, have sex appeal and have gleaming personality skills. Basically if they’re not Leon Jackson.

Granted, Leona is still working on the personality aspect, but it doesn't matter at all. Her fanbase of young girls and dying pensioners love her brand of soppy ballads. But hold tight, music world! We've heard that Leona Lewis has done something so rebellious that music fans will have no choice but take her seriously. Has she shaved her head or had a wank in front of the Pope? Well, we assume that's stage two. She's only gone and got a bloody tattoo.

Leona Lewis Falls Off A Horse! The Mentalist!

January 4th, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

Normally a story about Leona Lewis falling off an animal wouldn't really strike us as anything that we?d class as news.

However we have to remember that it's the beginning of January and there is bugger all going on. It'll be a few weeks until we discover that an actor has been knocking off his PA on the side or a tape of someone doing an embarrassing sex act involving the use of a toaster and some needles surfaces.

But not all celebrities lead an over-the-top rock ‘n? roll lifestyle. Just look at Leona Lewis, for example. She's so devoid of personality that drawing a smiley face on your thumb and talking in a high pitched voice would be a more entertaining experience. In what we assume is a desperate PR exercise to show that she isn’t an utter bore, Leona Lewis recently rode a horse. But do horses love Leona Lewis? No. They apparently prefer to injure her.

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

August 4th, 2012 By Chris Laverty

This week?s uppers and downers.

Folded:

Clothes on Film (cool site about clothes in movies. Goodness the editor is handsome)
Edge of Darkness (Gibbo’s back like it's 1995)
David Lean in Close-Up with Jonathan Ross (BBC4, the only reason we pay a licence fee)
Champagne price drop: pour it on your cereal (by Christmas a bottle of Mo?t will cost ?15, or thereabouts. Possibly)
Damien Hirst?s return to painting (critics say rubbish, so who cares what we think? It will irritate the hell out of people and that’s good enough for us)

Creased: