With the writers' strike still wiping out shows on a daily basis, television will soon rely completely on reality shows – and what's more realistic than a giant crazy-haired windbag jabbing his finger at people who are, at best, only semi-famous?

Basically, what we're saying is thank heavens for Celebrity Apprentice – the all-star version of the Donald Trump bellowing vehicle that's going to single-handedly save all of American television from imploding in on itself. Or at least that's what Celebrity Apprentice would do if, you know, it actually had any celebrities in it. The line-up for Celebrity Apprentice has been announced, and the two biggest names involved are Gene Simmons from obsolete rock band Kiss and Lennox Lewis from the RAC direct insurance adverts, with 12 other nonentities added to make up the numbers.

We hear the Celebrity Apprentice producers wanted to up the show's mean level of celebrity, but the old man who was in one episode of Casualty for three seconds with a broken finger in 1989 was too busy to take part.