Remarkably, there have been bucket loads of Michael Jackson branded merchandise flying around since his sudden death in 2009. You might go as far as saying that some people are attempting to cash in on his name, not forgetting obvious tie-ins like unreleased tunes, which feature songs deemed not good enough to make original album cuts at the time.

But who are making these decisions that make Jackson a brand? His children are too young and it wouldn’t be Janet Jackson, she’s too busy trying to forge a successful career.

Digging a little further, it seems that Joe Jackson is the driving force making all the killer deals that see Michael Jackson appear on mugs and t-shirts. Though we’ve yet to see an image of his face on a packet of syringes or prescription meds. It seems however, that one imminent deal is looking dodgy; Michael Jackson fans will be dismayed to hear that the chance to smell like their idol has come into difficulty.

Even though he closely resembles Jabba the Hutt, the old withering creature that is Joe Jackson is continually brokering agreements that mean he can leech off his dead son for a little bit longer. We doubt that during his time on the planet, Michael Jackson would have given a huge chunk of his earnings to his further as thanks to all the beatings he received as a child. Thus shaping him as the person we all loved through the medium of popular music.

It’s a well known fact that Michael Jackson fans are quite a dedicated bunch of people. Granted, they might go on the occasional psychopathic rant or do something extreme like tattooing a picture of Bubbles the monkey across their face, but we can forgive them. But we guess that where there’s supply for wacko jacko goodies, they’ll always be demand. Joe Jackson seemingly knows this and has decided to launch and market a perfume called “Jackson Legend.”

But something smells fishy to us (no, that’s not the aroma of the fragrance) -  while the name Jackson is paraded around, there isn’t a direct connection to Michael Jackson himself. Therefore, you could associate any other sort of Jackson with it – Tito, Randy, Dave or even Marlon. Was this even an attempt to forge more trashy tribute products? Or just flog overpriced goods to morons? An impressive launch was planned, but in typical Jackson style, it all went wrong.

Not wanting any physical contact with the person who made the actual product? That’s probably not going to go down very well, though it does sound similar to Michael Jackson’s nose – that organ kept on trying to detach itself of his face and have nothing to do with him. No doubt we’ll see countless arguments, court visits and somewhere along the line, the mention of Dr. Conrad Murray. But rest assured, everyone we’ve been told that the scent is coming our way:

“The perfumes will be on sale in the US very soon, and in September in France. A 50 ml bottle will cost 40 dollars in America and about 40 Euros in France.”

We’d swim other to France and queue up now for a bottle, but we don’t think we’d be able to survive on a typical French diet of gunky cheese and filterless cigarettes.

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Poor old Zsa Zsa Gabor. She’s really not very well at all. She’s had one of her legs cut off and now, after a string of health problems, she’s back in hospital again with severe pneumonia symptoms, leaving her with water on her lungs.

We’d suggest that her family are distraught, but alas, her ninth husband – Prince Frederic von Anhalt – seems to be rather enjoying the attention.

Of course, he can be seen with his little eyes welling up during his many hospital visits, but that’s not stopped him from winking at Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife and noticing what a fine, working womb she has. Seriously.

Now, there’ll be some of you thinking that Hogan’s ex, Pamela Bach, is trying to have sexual relations with the marvellously named Prince Frederic von Anhalt… but you’re wrong.

See, while Zsa Zsa lies poorly after refusing a further amputation, leaving her a 50-50 chance of survival, Prince Fred dons the top hat and whips up a circus storm around her near-dead body. What a tremendous individual he is.

He said:

“We don’t expect her to get better. She will be in bed for the rest of her life.”

Everyone say ‘aw’, before saying ‘What the f-?’

Prince Frederic von Anhalt really wants to have a baby with Zsa Zsa, leaving the sick minded amongst you with an image not unlike the one in Kill Bill where Uma Thurman’s comatose body is ridden by dead-eyed hospital staff. However, this is where Ex-Mrs Hulk Hogan comes into the equation.

Fred wants to fulfil Zsa Zsa’s “dream” of them having a child, using his sperm with the egg and womb of a surrogate mother, who could well be Hogan’s ex-wife, Pamela Bach.

Frederic has said:

“It was always my wife’s dream for us to have a child, and even though we won’t be using any of her eggs, she would be thrilled to know I’m going through with this.

“I want her to see and hold the baby’s hand. She will be a mother again at 95!! It was her wish to have a boy.”

This has to be the weirdest cheating on someone ever.

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Zsa Zsa Gabor (that should read ‘Zsa Gabor’ after she had her leg amputated) has been rushed to hospital after she decided to go hysterical over the news of Elizabeth Taylor’s death. That’s because she’s convinced herself that she is going to be the next to die.

According to her husband – Frederic von Anhalt – Gabor “went hysterical” when she heard about her old chum passing away via the use of a hearing trumpet.

With celebrities always dying in threes, she became concerned after Taylor died shortly after fellow actress Jane Russell joined the choir invisible.

Von Anhalt said:

“Zsa Zsa said, ‘Celebrities go in threes and I’m next’.”

As a result of this unhealthy line of thinking, the Hungarian actress saw her blood pressure go “through the roof”.

Of course, Zsa Zsa and Liz Taylor had a lot in common. They both really liked wedding cake and got married many, many times.

Gabor unfathomably got married more times that Taylor, managing a whopping nine marriages compared to Taylor’s also large eight ceremonies.

As is usually the case with attractive women for the golden era of Hollywood, they’ve both had erratic, eccentric lives which have ended up seeing ill health blighting them over the years.

If Zsa Zsa is so convinced she’ll be the next to go, she should put some money on it. That way, if she does, her loved ones can cash in a decent betting slip when she perishes.

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If you got every single Christmas that ever happened, it wouldn’t even be in the same universe as Zsa Zsa Gabor’s campness. She’s an astonishing woman who, simply by being herself, can make entire towns fall down laughing and cooing ‘AWW!’

However, sad news reaches the ‘spray bedsit as Zsa Zsa has had her leg amputated and, to be quite honest with you, we’re biting our collective knuckles in an attempt to not crack jokes about it.

You see, when hecklerspray is faced with sadness, we pull out the funnies because the alternative is to sit around crying for an entire year.

The fabulous dahling is currently hospitalized at the UCLA Ronald Reagan Medical Center in LA and has been in-and-out of hospital beds since she fell at home and broke her hip in July last year. It is all very sad and depressing.

Gabor had gangrene in her leg which would have killed her, so doctors had to amputate her leg in a bid to save her life. While her chance for survival is definitely a good thing, losing your leg really isn’t very fun.

Apparently, Gabor smiled and ate ice cream and ‘some sausage’ on Saturday, her husband said. We can only assume she’s not batty enough to want them in the same bowl.

A spokesman for the 93 year-old Gabor, said the star of ’50s flicks, ‘Moulin Rouge’ and ‘Lili’ , still doesn’t know that her leg has been amputated. Jesus. That’ll be a woe inducing conversation when it happens, eh readers? And here’s us, desperately trying to not make jokes about it.

The spokesman said:

“I told them (doctors) not to talk to her, because I didn’t want her to get hysterical and the blood pressure goes up”

Gabor is currently on morphine, which is helping to take away the pain. In the coming weeks, she’ll be informed of the operation. We can only hope her response is something like this…

Doctors are “guardedly optimistic” about the actress’ recovery. The good news is that, currently, she’s “chatty and feisty”.

And so, we leave you without having taken the piss too much (not like us at all) and this video of Zsa Zsa’s work-out video which, quite possibly, is the greatest piece of filming ever made.

Get well Zsa Zsa!

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

The Grootslang is an African monster that’s said to live in a place called the ‘wonder hole,’ aka ‘the bottomless pit.’ It’s a cave that’s alleged to stretch 40 miles to the ocean, allowing the beast to come and go in a massive, half-elephant slither.

And to make it all a touch more interesting – at least one explorer that entered the cave as a one-man hunting party vanished forever.

The Grootslang is a horrible creature that enjoys murdering innocents, and worse yet, is super ugly. Well, we suppose if you’re either it’s gigantic snake-father or it’s elephant mother you wouldn’t find him unattractive. No – if that was the case you’d probably have his baby pictures strategically adorning all the walls in your super-long, crappy cave.

But we digress – here’s a description of the creature as found on Beastpedia:

“The Grootslang is a cryptid that supposedly dwells in a deep cave known as the “Wonder Hole” in Richtersveld, South Africa. Its name means “Great Snake” in Afrikaans, and it is described as either a forty-foot-long serpent or an elephant with a snake’s tail.”

The Grootslang’s legend has been around for a while – and a big part of that legend pertains to its main hobby. You see, the wonder hole isn’t just the creature’s home filled with piles of dirty laundry and empty pizza boxes – it’s also stuffed full of diamonds.

With the double payoff of finding a one of a kind monster and endless pocket-fulls of diamonds, lots of people have been willing to go spelunking – at least one of which was never seen again. An article entitled ‘Disappearances feed Grootslang legend’ will smatter you with details. It’s long but interesting:

“For years, the Oxford-educated English businessman had trained himself to find the legendary treasure of the Richtersveld in South Africa. It was there, legend had it, that a cavern filled with diamonds awaited the bold adventurer. The only problem was, the cavern was supposedly guarded by Grootslang, a fearsome 40-foot-long serpent with enormous gems in its eye sockets.

“I am determined to return to England as a very rich man or a dead man,” he reportedly said before setting sail with six companions in the summer of 1917. Before leaving, he read hundreds of old maps and diaries from prospectors. He studied African languages and familiarized himself with the customs, legends and superstitions of that part of the continent. His destination was the Orange River Territory, a harsh scrub land populated by poor natives and wild animals.

“The first night in camp a lion killed one member of the expedition and seriously injured a second. A few days later a third companion died of either a poisonous insect bite or snakebite. A fourth man became sick and begged to be taken back to civilization. That left only Mr. Grayson, since the two remaining members of the expedition “volunteered” to take the sick and wounded men to the nearest village for medical treatment.

“I can do this on my own,” he boasted to the guides before they left him alone in the wilderness. That was the last time Mr. Grayson was seen or heard from. When a rescue party returned a week later, they found the camp deserted and no sign of the Englishman.

“The Richtersveld had claimed another victim. Some say it was the Grootslang that killed the hapless adventurer. Native guides pointed out that only a fool would venture into the region alone.Even today, guides are reluctant to take expeditions to the cavern, which is known as the Wonder Hole or Bottomless Pit. Only one man, a tough prospector named Travis, is said to have tried to explore the hole and lived.”

There have been other witnesses to the creature too. Some say it’s a gigantic snake that leaves a trail three feet wide. Other’s say it’s the much more interesting half-elephant/snake something-or-other.

We really don’t care what it looks like – because with money like that it can afford to be ugly.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

The Bunyip is an Australian legend that started with the Aborigines, and was subsequently spread among the white settlers. It’s been physically described as looking a thousand different ways – having everything from horse parts to tentacles.

At one point a skull of the creature was thought to be found, and when science at the time could not definitively identify it – it looked like the legends were all too true.

Here is a definition of the Bunyip as found in the Encyclopedia Mythica:

“A bellowing water monster from Aboriginal legend, believed to bring diseases. It lives at the bottom of the water holes, swamps, lakes and rivers of the Australian outback. The creature is roughly the size of a calf and requires calm water to live in. Unless its food sources are interfered with, the bunyip usually leaves human beings alone. However, if necessary it has the strength to pull a person down into the water and drown him. The name comes from an Aboriginal word meaning “devil” or “spirit”.”

Although no specific sighting or encounters with the creature seem to have been reported, there was still plenty of fuel to feed the fire. For instance, according to Skeptic World.com:

“In 1846 a peculiar skull was taken from the banks of Murrumbidgee River in New South Wales. In the first flush of excitement, several experts concluded that it was the skull of something unknown to science. In 1847 the so-called bunyip skull was put on exhibition in the Australian Museum (Sydney) for two days. Visitors flocked to see it and the Sydney Morning Herald said that it prompted many people to speak out about their ‘bunyip sightings’ “Almost everyone became immediately aware that he had heard ‘strange sounds’ from the lagoons at night, or had seen ‘something black’ in the water.”"

The skull was eventually called that of a deformed horse or calf, but public interest did not fade. Take the Bunyip of the Greta area, for instance. Long had locals claimed to hear a ‘loud booming sound’ coming from the swamp. When a search party would be dispatched, they always reported the same thing – nothing. Eventually the swamp was drained and the noise stopped. Some thought the creature had been killed by the death of it’s natural habitat, others thought it just moved.

Perhaps the most convincing piece of evidence that the Bunyip exists is the fact it was shown in a South Park episode playing the role of God (season 3). Camera footage like that is very hard to fake, and thus far, science has not been able to definitively prove it wrong.

Just you think about that for a minute.