Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
It’s coke week on hecklerspray and the latest trouble mental celebrity on our pages is our old chum Charlie Sheen who has stopped pretending to have feline blood and offering chandliers out for a fight, just in time to be threatened with legal action by his former employers!
Hurray for stupid Charlie Sheen who can’t do a thing right thanks to addling his little walnut of a brain with a concoction of high quality drugs and glamour models.
What a spectacular berk he is.
When Brittany Murphy died, everyone just assumed that she’d gone overboard on the ol’ drugs. That’s what famous young people do, right? They hammer it too much and their famous hearts just give up.
Alas, it would appear that Brittany died of Community-Acquired Pneumonia and Iron Deficiency Anemia.
And now, oddly, Brittany Murphy’s dad, Angelo Bertolotti, isn’t happy about the result and is suing the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office because he’d like to do his own tests. What was he hoping for? Something more decadent or glamorous?
Have you noticed a trend in pop that sees artists sampling any old shit, rather than sourcing something that works right for a song? Eminem sampled Haddaway, Derulo used ‘Day-Oh (The Banana Boat Song)’ and Cher Lloyd unironically sang the tune from ‘Oh My Darling, Clementine’.
Who is to blame for this? The Black Eyed Peas, that’s who. Have you heard their use of ‘The Time Of My Life’? Crow-barred, lowest common denominating nonsense to provide modernity to familiarity, thereby, maximising sales and opportunities to get played at weddings and bar mitzvahs.
And now, having fully completed Operation Spoil Music For Everyone, they’re able to take a nice long break, knowing that their work is done. Seriously. They’re totally splitting up.
Ah, Courtney Love. What would we do without you. When things get a little too much for us to bear, we just take one look at your increasingly peculiar face and think to ourselves: ‘At least things aren’t as bad as that.’
The Former Mrs Cobain has, for some reason, taken it upon herself to become the Grunge Joan Rivers, despite the fact that precisely no-one actually asked for it.
And now, humble Courtney is getting out her crayons and starting work on her autobiography which will be a gentle, thoughtful read, sensitively looking back on her life with a suicidal husband who took loads of bad drugs, as well as her fondness for jacking up on bad shit while having sex with a variety of rock singers.
How would you describe Katie Holmes? Attractive? Wholesome? Trapped in a loveless marriage to a man who controls her every action, safe in the knowledge that aliens told him to do it because he’s the chosen one?
No?
How about ‘Pumpkin slut’? Go on, say it out loud. It has a lovely ring to it and rolls off the tongue nicely. Slutty pumpkin! Tarty lantern! Halloween hussy! That’s right kids, the witching hour is near and Holmes is going to get all promiscuous.
Have you ever watched Strictly Come Dancing? It’s a terrible programme that actually encourages witless celebrities to cavort around a dancefloor with all the guile and grace of a mule being dragged down three flights of stairs by a Mini Metro.
Not only that, it’s the show that willingly shoves Bruce Forsyth out, bewildered and making dreamlike jokes to himself to polite, pitiful laughter from concerned audience members. The smell of urine and cough-mints must be unbearable.
That said, Auntie BBC is very protective of her baby and is suing an Italian TV channel for making a pornographic version of the show which is quite obviously far, far better than the one we get in Blighty.
So, by now, you will have seen or at least become aware that Scarlett Johansson had some self-shot naked pictures leaked yesterday. That’s right. We’ve all seen her T&A now.
If you haven’t seen them (what have you been doing? Living in a cave?), click here and, no, they’re not safe for work.
Legally, we still have to add that we’re not 100% certain that they’re genuine (someone’s a bit good with photoshop if not), but adding to the credibility of the snaps is the news coming through that Johansson has asked the FBI to find out just who leaked the photographs. It wasn’t us. We could hack through cobwebs, let alone the photos from someone’s phone. However, there’s more rumours circulating that Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis should be feeling a little nervous today as there’s mutterings of nudes appearing of this pair.
Miley Cyrus, who you’ll remember for being the more musically gifted daughter of Billy Ray, has always been a bit of a tough nut for hecklerspray to crack. Sometimes she’ll be caterwauling her way through some mawkish pop gumph about being in love at the age of eleven and others she’ll be smoking a bong and telling people to stick things up their private parts.
She’s a testing one.
Regardless, the young Miss Cyrus’ version of Nirvana’s?Smells Like Teen Spirit has been named the worst cover ever in a new magazine poll.
Hey! Katie Holmes is married to slab of prime thetan, Tom Cruise. As you know, they’re both Scientologists, which makes them certifiably mad. Don’t argue. This is just a fact that’s as plain as the nose on your weird alien-believing face.
Of course, mad people have a myriad of odd symptoms and behavioural patterns. One such thing is to marry a man half your height.
Another is being afraid of an absence of light. That’s right! Katie Holmes is scared of the dark and probably screams in terror every time she blinks. That’s because she’s mental. We pointed that out already didn’t we?
Katie Holmes may well be wealthy and successful, but that doesn’t stop the entire world pitying her. For starters, she’s in the unfortunate position of being married to Supreme Thetan, Tom Cruise AND she’s no doubt aware that everyone laughs at her because she’s one of those women who towers over her beau.
And so, to stop us from thinking that she’s a dead-eyed Scientologist with a head filled with quasi-religious gunk, she’s decided to act like One Of The Girls by talking about her knickers.
Because talking about your underpants in public isn’t peculiar at all is it? Nope. Not one bit. UNLESS YOU’RE SOME KIND OF GUSSET OBSESSED NUTTER THAT IS.
