Legal - HecklerSpray

Robbie Williams Carelessly Murdered By Misguided Dream Assassins

January 5th, 2012 By Michael Park

Take That’s Prodigal Son and Stoke’s most irritating son Robbie Williams has been waking up in the night covered in a liquid that isn’t his own urine according to The Daily Star. In an interview with Britain’s least believable paper, Williams?prophesied?that he might be a target for terrorists because he’s so completely important.

The egotist, who recently returned to the warming, Northern embrace of his former Take That, has been ?having trouble sleeping recently and instead of taking a Night Nurse and keeping his massive flapping trap shut, he decided to give an “exclusive” to a woeful Red Top.

Luckily, he’s been having dreams that even Joseph & His Technicolour Fraud Coat wouldn’t have any trouble analysing.

We’ve Got TOWIE’s Amy Childs’ Phone Number! Who Wants It?

September 28th, 2011 By Michael Park

The telephone is one of the world’s greatest inventions. Whether you’re trying to find out what’s for dinner or tap into the private conversations of your love-rat partner, a telephone is a hugely useful tool.

Let’s also consider the use of mobile telephones. You can check your Facebook status, make everyone aware of your location using your Foursquare account or tweet your mobile number to a make-up artist.

Let’s be quite clear though, tweeting your mobile number into a forum where it can be seen by anyone with eyes isn’t a mistake in itself and we’re not here to criticise anyone that does it. It’s so simple to accidentally transmit your mobile number or upload a picture of yourself in the skud without even knowing you’ve done it.

Still, that doesn’t mean gossip sites will be forgiving when it comes to the publication of it and we’ve got it over the jump.

Yoko Ono To Squeeze Every Last Penny Out Of John Lennon’s Fetid Corpse

July 11th, 2011 By Michael Park

Yoko Ono’s not a very nice lady, is she? First she split up The Beatles, then she was responsible for a series of musical abortions with the Plastic Ono band and now she’s going out of her way to sully the memory of her late husband by trying to grind as many shekels out of him as possible.

According to Jam, Ono has threatened to sue the owner of a Dundee pub which is dedicated to the former Beatle. Indications suggest that the?”singer” has had her lawyers send a letter to?Mike Craig, the owner of “Lennon’s Bar”, that accuses him of copyright infringement.

Craig claims to have spent thousands of pounds on?Beatles memorabilia for his pub which was opened in tribute to a member of one of world music’s most important acts. However, the letter from?Ono?s lawyers is demanding that he removes all the memorabilia and changes the venue?s name within 14 days or he will face legal action.

David LaChapelle Throws A Baby-Clothed Hissy Over Latest Rihanna Video

February 16th, 2011 By Michael Park

It seems that intellectual property is the new black and acting like a litigious dick every time someone uses one of your ideas and runs with it. For example, we could sue the entire world for ripping off our idea that Justin Bieber is a travesty and is therefore something to be held up as a hate-figure. But we don’t! It’s a good idea!

Why shouldn’t you, the general public, be able to use our intellectual “Bieber is a Sodwallet” property as your own? It’s a free country.

Of course, it looks like America isn’t. David LaChapelle, a photographer, is suing pop star and domestic abuse victim?Rihanna over the content of her S&M video (more on that video, here). You know… the sexy one that been banned in loads of countries ’cause it’s so totally extreme and stuff. His idea, unfortunately.

JK Rowling Didn’t Copy Rubbish Harry Potter Story From Different, Rubbish Wizard Based Book

January 7th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

There are a lot of people who really, really, really love JK Rowling’s Harry Potter tales. In fairness, there’s millions of flies that like swarming around dung piles, so numbers don’t necessarily account for taste, right? That said, as one hecklerspray reader pointed out, “there’s no such thing as a bad story”. Unless you count the plethora of really bad stories out there.

Either way, Rowling has been wildly successful with Potter, watching her daft little books become gigantic blockbuster movies.

However, some claimed that JK Rowling (real name, Jamiroquai Rowling) had copied a load of ideas from a book that features Willy The Wizard. Sounds amazing doesn’t it? (No).

Wait, Now Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt AREN’T Married?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We thought Heidi Montag didn’t tell her family about her marriage to Spencer Pratt because of a deep sense of burning shame.

But we were wrong. It turns out that Heidi Montag didn’t tell her family about her marriage to Spencer Pratt because they didn’t actually get married. Apparently Heidi and Spencer did had a wedding ceremony in Mexico, but it doesn’t count because it was only a symbolic wedding and no official permits were filled in.

So Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were just attention seeking by getting married; something completely out of character for both of them. It’s hard to know how to react to this news, other than fighting the urge to hit both Spencer and Heidi in the nose with a symbolic cricket bat, then push them down a symbolic flight of stairs and then set some symbolic dogs on them. Remember, it doesn’t count if it’s symbolic.

Watchmen Won’t be Watched by Men, if Fox Get Their Way

March 25th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Everybody seems to be getting in on the comic book-to-movie adaptation thing, with easily one of the most anticipated being that of Watchmen.

While normally this would be greeted with trepidation and a slight amount of fear, the sheer quality of the source material, combined with the fact that the film is supposed to actually be, y’know – good – has people sweating around the groin, awaiting next year’s release.

That is, unless Fox have their way and ban the film from ever coming out.

Oh, we’re not kidding here – that’s what they’re trying to do in the latest of legal battles that shows just how the company is actually forged from Satan’s testicles themselves. There’s evil, then there’s Fox evil.

Britney Spears Vs Kevin Federline: Money Fight!

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline child custody case has been going on forever, mainly because most people agree that the kids would be better off being looked after by a pack of hungry bears than either of them.

But, although the custody case must be emotionally hard for both Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, it's only financially hard for Britney Spears because she's paying all the legal bills.

And now Britney Spears wants that to stop. Britney's lawyers have been in court trying to get Kevin Federline to hire a lawyer with his own funds, but Kevin's not scared. If Britney wins this legal fight then he'll just have to find the best lawyers that a scrunched-up $5 bill and half a packet of Funyuns will buy.

Britney Spears’ Dad Keeps The Keys To All Her Stuff

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We know. You thought that all this kerfuffle about Britney Spears would die down now that has to spend the next fortnight locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

Chance'd be a fine thing. No, instead focus has shifted away from Britney Spears' well-being to all of Britney Spears' stuff. Yesterday in court effectively saw a fight between Britney and her Dad about whether or not he should be her conservator while she's banged up in the nuthouse. Turns out he can.

So now Jamie Spears is in charge of Britney's estate and finances, plus he'll also be legally obliged to shave his hair off, drink 20 Red Bulls a day and have his vagina on full display whenever he gets out of a car. Hey, we don't make the rules.

Church of Scientology to Gawker Media: Hey, Give That Back!

March 31st, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

Here at hecklerspray, we know that there are many things we can’t do for you. We know we can’t rub that painful bunion on your heel, and we know we can’t buy you that box set of Good Times.

And we certainly can’t help you if you’re in an accident. We’re just gonna keep on driving, because Tom Cruise is really the only one that can really help. Just listen to his widely leaked Tom Cruise: Scientologist video that you weren’t supposed to see, and haven’t mirthfully shared with all of your friends.

But we can report on the inevitable fallout from said video. Today’s fallout involves the Church of Scientology’s legal team sending scary letters to Gawker Media because they first posted the video. Yay!