Five teenage boys are standing in a circle, arms locked around each others shoulders but this is no group hug.
They are all urinating into the centre.
They are ten metres away from the toilets.
Welcome to Leeds.
Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
By Si Sharp
By Ralph Sanders
Festivals are ace, aren't they? They?re like proper gigs, but you have to spend a weekend in a smelly tent and buy beer for ?4 a can from a crusty trust fund hippy in order to see your favourite band perform their popular hits from half a mile away while you hold in eight pints of urine because you don't want to go to the horrible, horrible toilets.
Anyway, Leeds/Reading have had their lineups ?leaked? to the press, which has had the unfortunate side effect of making it ?news?.
So yay! We can find out which bands we're going to see as unremarkable dots in the distance this year. Would it surprise you to note that most of them are awful? No? In that case, read on.
By Kris Silver
The great Reading Festival ticket rush is right around the corner, which is causing people of no?discernible?music taste to wet themselves with glee while the rest of us look on in astonishment that this festival manages to sell out year after year.
The Reading and Leeds festivals are one of those bizarre anomalies that perplex music fans the world over. How can a company put on a festival with weaker line-ups, higher ticket prices and more problems than we're legally allowed to mention and yet continue to draw a huge demand for tickets?
The answer is obvious. Hipsters.
By Mof Gimmers
Festivals are unrelentingly miserable. They are. You may think they’re not but they really are hellish places filled with hellish people. If you disagree, you’re probably one of those revellers who make sane humans cry with frustration.
And this weekend sees the Reading/Leeds festival kicking off. There’s no question that organisers and attendees will be saying things like “it’s going to be the best yet!” despite the fact it is going to be the same as every piggin’ festival on the planet.
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
By Mof Gimmers
Knock knock. Who’s there? Axl Rose is a massive prick. Okay, it’s obvious that this joke needs work, but the punchline is pretty truthful as rock ‘n’ roll’s most warped ego flops around Europe like the Emperor in his new clothes.
Yes indeed, the world’s most average hard rock band – well, Axl Rose and a bunch of people who are willing to be bossed around by him under the GNR banner – are to play their hugely underwhelming Chinese Democracy LP to European brains, who no doubt, will be egging the band on to play Sweet Child O’Mine and piss-off into the night.
Fat chance.
By Stuart Heritage
As an 81-year-old man, you'd expect Sir Jimmy Savile to crave the quiet life, but that couldn't be further from the truth – because Jimmy Savile has started to relish being violently attacked by people six decades younger than him.
Yesterday Jimmy Savile was in Leeds for an awards ceremony when, out of nowhere, a woman in her twenties threw herself at the elderly entertainer and robbed him of his pink-tinted sunglasses before making away with them. But rather than deciding to spend the next six weeks giving interviews about the cruelty of youth and how he's too scared to leave his house any more, Jimmy Savile has described the mugging as 'marvellous.' Next week: Sir Jimmy Savile gets stabbed in the bowel by some happy-slappers and goes on to call it 'the best thing that's happened to me since the end of Jim'll Fix It'.
And the funny thing is, it probably would be, too.