It’s at this point in this story where we would make some sort of tasteless joke about Lee Ryan.

You know, we may bring up that ridiculous quote of his around about elephants and 9/11. Or we could mock his inability to warm up some fish fingers when he was on I’m A Famous Person On The TV, Come Look At Me Cook!

But we won’t do that. You see the world of popular music nearly lost its number one bruv and all round crap speller Lee Ryan. So distraught are we by the news that he was nearly mowed down by a car, that we’ve ordered a wreath of flowers spelling out ‘biggest bellend in pop’ anyway. Forgive us as we go to Runcorn’s community hall to lay them. The Staples Centre in LA is annoyingly being used.

Thinking about it, Lee Ryan is kind of like one of the four weather seasons. If he’d been run over, it may have messed up the weather and the Blue reunion. That’s right – Blue, everyone’s favourite boy band after Take That, Boyzone, New Kids On The Block, Backstreet Boys, JLS, O-Zone and One True Voice. Please note, we’re not suggesting Lee Ryan represents the season of summer.

As a role model for people who want to pull on MySpace, you’d have thought that Lee would know his green cross code. Look before you cross the road, look for any speeding vehicles and wait until the blinking green man tells you it’s OK to cross. That was probably the problem – Lee got distracted by a flashing light again. Someone ought to put him on a lead or something.

If high speed action-packed chases are your thing, then reading about the cause of the near fatal accident below will leave you disappointed. Basically, it’s not going to appear on an episode of Police, Camera, Action any time soon. Sunday Mercury reports:

“The singers were saying their goodbyes outside London’s Paddington Station when the No 7 bus came hurtling towards them, but Simon Webbe jumped into action, pushing Ryan and the band’s manager Sara Freeman out of the way.”

And in a quote that could be made in to a semi exciting daytime drama on BBC 2, an eyewitness at the scene said:

“Simon threw Lee and Sara out of harm’s way just before the bus smashed into the car’s open door and ripped it clean off the hinges.”

Looks like the door came off the worst out of everyone. Hopefully Simon Webbe has car insurance. If he doesn’t, we can then extensively report on him being an insurance dodger.

So where will our comedy capers with Lee Ryan take us next? Could he get up to some accidental mishaps in a slaughterhouse? Or could he wind up causing mischief down in the farmyard with his cousins? We can only wait and see.

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Joy Division once grimly said that love will tear us apart.

It’s almost like Ian Curtis was the Nostradamus of predicting how long couples will last. Sitting in a specially adapted room, he’d glance at a pair of lovebirds before uttering “six months”, “forever” or “half an hour”.

One person who could have benefited from this genius prediction system is born-again popstar Lee Ryan. Our favourite taxi driver beater and failed chef has appeared to have a very public tiff with his lover Samantha Miller. Ladies, dust off your seductive lingerie – the clueless moron could be back on the market!

From the beginning, we never had high hopes for this relationship. The pair didn’t exchange glances across a crowded Wetherspoons pub or hilariously clash trolleys in the George section of Asda. It was much more romantic than that. For some unknown reason, Samantha Miller was a fan of the processed garbage otherwise known as Blue, the group Lee Ryan partly whines with.

She sent him revealing pictures via MySpace, and from there the rest is history. After a year of sending badly-spelt messages back and forth, the two became a couple and later had a baby. When we tried sending sexy snaps of ourselves to people like Megan Fox and Cheryl Cole, we just got court orders. Bloody typical.

In the past, we admit that we may have been slightly cruel to the person we now regard as our favourite popstar. However, this gem only cements our theory that Lee Ryan is a bit of tit and has quite frankly sentenced his own child to a life of misery. Until now, we were unaware but the Daily Mail reports:

“In December, Miller gave birth to their son Rayn Lee Amethyst, just a year after they first met. They wanted to use the letters in the name Ryan to make a new name for their son.”

Have you seen what they’ve done? Look very closely at the name of their offspring and you should see it! Lee’s surname is Ryan and their child’s name is Rayn. They either let a dyslexic name him, or they didn’t have the creative energy to call him Yar, Ay, Nar, Yan, Nr, Ran, Lee Ryan Jr or My Dad Is A Massive Bell-End.

While that’s an issue that can be fixed via deed poll when Rayn is old enough to run away from home and live in the forest with the woodland creatures, it doesn’t solve the current problem. The Daily Mail again reports that Lee and Samantha had a bit of a tiff. And not the sort where he bought Diet Coke instead of the full-on sugary kind. Instead, it was a very public outing which quite likely got people to stop what they were doing, point and laugh:

“The former Blue singer was seen storming out of a Mayfair hotel yesterday, followed by Miller, 26.When she managed to get him to stop Ryan, 26, appeared to shout at his wife-to-be. He was seen thrusting a fist full of bank notes at Samantha – signalling the row may have been over money. She was seen leaving a short time later looking shaken.”

Oh dear. We hope this isn’t going to hurt their upcoming wedding. Every day we hound the postman and ask him where our invite for the big event is. We also want to be the first place to bid for the wedding photos. We’ll start at £50 and a case of cherry lambrini.

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At hecklerspray towers, nothing quite gets us excited like the opening of a bottle of beer and a sausage roll from the local bakers.

Apart from rubbish PR requests from companies, nothing really gets us going in the morning.

Now, we weren’t fed tons of money to promote this to you, but we thought we’d do the world some good and announce this to you all. Blue, the boyband who had hits like All Rise and er… a few others including that one with Elton John are coming back. We aren’t sure if new material is going to be recorded, but we can see them this summer at least!

As we all know, blue is a colour and is also an important piece of information for gypsies, fortune tellers and other piss-poor psychic folk. They see blue as a sad and depressing colour and use it to convince you you’ll soon cut yourself to death with a bread knife. But since four random idiots formed a band under that name, it has changed meaning. For the better is to be debated.

When we think of the colour blue, we always think of the band first. The following can only wish they were as popular as a manufactured band – the colour of the sky, the colour of the sea, the colour of Carlisle Utd’s football kit, the colour of the office lamp, vile alcopops called WKD, the colour of some peoples eyes, biro ink and the toolbar on a lot of computers.

Each band has to have a novelty wacky member who everyone loves to chuckle at. For Blue, it’s comedy chef and all round bad speller Lee Ryan. Like a bad experience at the fairground, hecklerspray and Lee go way back, following a mini battle where he launched a semi illiterate rant against our lovable scribbler Chris Laverty via the dying MySpace. Don’t worry too much though; Chris only wakes up occasionally now screaming “ONE LOVE.” He’s pretty much all there, despite a sweary message from Lee.

Blue were set to be mass marketed for our American chums, however, in true comedy fashion, Lee Ryan kind of messed that up. Remember the terrible attacks in New York on September 11th? Instead of keeping his mouth shut, Lee decided that this event wasn’t that important. Instead, we had to think of the elephants. Yes kids, the elephants. Subsequently, they weren’t shipped off to other countries for others to hate.

Whilst we all thought the band had thankfully been dead and buried for a long time, they are apparently due to make a comeback! Glastonbury may be a step to high, just like V Festival. We think Bath leisure centre is something that the lads can be content with.

According to Simon Webbe:

“We’re the only boyband that has never split up”.

Unless we’re wrong, there’s some boyband called The Jackson 5 who have never officially split up and still plan to inflict touring on us. They’ve just been caught up in kiddy touching trials, getting in to shitloads of debt and trying to salvage solo careers. Oh, that’s just Michael isn’t it?

Duncan James from Blue also added:

“The four of us will definitely do something together this summer”.

Sadly, there was no word from Lee about the exciting comeback plans. Presumably he couldn’t attend the press conference after throwing a strop when he went outside the lines in his colouring book. He’d have only punched his own reflection or claimed to be dating Ariel from The Little Mermaid, anyway.

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Next time someone tells you that they’re a ‘little bit mad’, don’t greet the news with a cheerful honk and a quip about how you can be “bonkers” yourself sometimes.

Call the cops, have them sectioned. It might seem harsh, but remember – there’s just one mood swing between a hilarious farting noise when you bend over, and a bread knife being plunged into your chest because you’re not the Take That fan they hoped you would be.

With that in mind, we thought we’d go through a few celebrities we’d never befriend, for fear of dying at their hands…

1. Anthea Turner

Hell’s Kitchen, like Celebrity Big Brother a few years ago, has unleashed the terrifying real-life Anthea Turner – and she’s a total maniac. Her face gurns and convulses in an attempt to silence the voices and calm the bubbling anger that lurks within. One day she will go on a killing spree. Just watch.

2. Robbie Williams

Robbie Williams has never quite had complete control of his emotions, lurching wildly from smugly peacocking on stage, to rocking silently in a darkened stationary cupboard. Last seen hunting around wastelands looking for ET, the rumour is that he now enjoys the company of disgruntled factory workers in Swindon. Careful, lads.

3. Paula Abdul

Paula can barely conceal her lack of control. Even she has no idea what words might be coming out of her mouth at any given moment. A hunch suggests that before American Idol is over, she’s going to hit Cowell with a torrent of spectacular verbal and physical abuse.

4. Chris Moyles

So needy is Chris Moyles, so very very needy. As long as he’s with his guffawing employees, everything will be alright, but should his shouty-shouty school of entertainment cease to impress, expect to see a very fat man hurtling around Oxford Street with his top of, swinging a machete in the air.

5. Lee Ryan

Raised in the forest by nomads, Lee Ryan hasn’t once left a room without everyone in it turning to one another and making a face. One day he will catch them, and then splat! Dead guys.

6. Tina Malone

Tina, of course, was the gargantuan Shameless actress on Celebrity Big Brother. You know – the one who couldn’t make it to the end of a conversation without restating how strong she is, and how she doesn’t care that she’s a revolting fat woman. One day, the tide will turn on that particular lie.

7. Geri Halliwell

Poor Geri, literally no one wants to go out with her. She’s a bit like Jennifer Aniston in that sense. Or Duffy. The problem is that she looks like she’d never once leave you alone. Not even for a second. She’s probably killed before.

8. Amanda Holden

Even when she’s cheerfully clapping the performance of that strange Scottish gentleman who did the song from Cats, something in Amanda Holden’s eyes is telling you that she cried herself to sleep last night. Unstable.

For more like this visit Interestment.co.uk

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However, we were proven wrong when we were told that a couple can prove their love for each other by ‘creating a baby’. This literally knocked us back, throwing into disarray our previous notion that a child is created using flour, the tears of an orphan, vanilla extract, nail clippings and the sweat from a man/woman depending on what sex you wanted the child to be.

In days gone by, people would takes months to even kiss each other – never mind engage in any sexual goings on. Having a baby would only happen a good few years after marriage, under the eyes of God and surrounded by an approving society. However, we now live in a culture where a girl will flash her tits for half a pint of lager or for a couple of cold chips.

So just imagine our disgust when we found out our number one celebrity fan and all round grasper of swear words Lee Ryan has left his pregnant fiancée of eight months.

Ages ago, Lee Ryan called hecklerspray scribbler Chris Laverty a “cunt” after reading a story about pop-demigods Blue being mime artists on stage. A pop band not singing live? That’s like saying they don’t write their own songs. When will the lies stop?

We decided to stick by our Lee despite his misspelt messages to the hecklerspray Myspace page and sometimes our personal accounts. From the lows of walking out of Hell’s Kitchen and lamping a taxi driver, we’ve been there for our bruv. Granted, there haven’t been any highs for him yet like a Mercury Prize nomination, but we still have expectations of him.

It’s only recently come to our attention that Lee did indeed find love – hooray! We were just about to crack open some Superbrew to celebrate, but then we found out a few things. His girlfriend Samantha Miller didn’t meet him in a fancy restaurant or nightclub. No, she got her tits out and sent him the pictures through Myspace. Who says romance is dead? Not our Lee of course, who fell head over heels for Samantha. Likely because he didn’t have to pay 35p to see a pair of boobs in The Sun.

More than likely this story will be sold to a tacky women’s magazine, but a source told the Daily Star:

“She is distraught and doesn’t know what to do – it is horrible enough to be dumped any time, but with her pregnancy, and all her hopes they would build a future as a family, it has left her in tears.”

In the interests of fairness, a friend of the elephant man – possibly Laverty – said:

“They’ve only been dating a few months and we didn’t expect him to settle down any time soon.”

Samantha was a fan of Blue in her youth and was said to have pictures of Lee all over her room. These days she’s five months pregnant and all alone in the world. It looks like she may have to sell those much-loved wall coverings to afford clothing for the child now.

We believe this proves that Lee is not actually sexually attracted to humans, but actually elephants. No-one with any sort of morals would do such a thing to a lady who’s up the duff. Remember everyone; this is the bloke who thought 9/11 was a drop in the ocean compared to the plight of the elephants.

Reports that he has moulded his penis to resemble an elephant’s trunk are unconfirmed and we aren’t volunteering to find out. Maybe a fan from Myspace can confirm or deny things for us in a few months. Though, to be honest, everyone knows Facebook is where it’s at these days.

Lee Ryan was yesterday found guilty of punching taxi driver Naeem Ibrahim in the head. In a rare show of kindness, we empathise with our bruv.

Taxi drivers aren’t the best people in the world; they have their own highway code and ignore everyone else. But lamping one is a slightly wrong. At best, tip some garlic mayo from your kebab on the seat and run off after paying your fare. That’s what we’d do. We’re not the violent types. All our arguments are settled over a game of chess and glass of port.   

Sadly the judge didn’t listen to Lee’s pleas and fined him £500 after a spot of road rage turned into fisticuffs. To us, the working class scumbag, £500 may be a bit hefty. But as Lee nicely mentioned in one of his dyslexic rants to us, he has "more more money then [we] can imagine”. The judge said: 

“I do regard this a situation where you over-reacted to a position you were put in. Although this was in essence an attack upon a vulnerable person that serves the public, I do take into account the injury was minor and appears to have come about as a result of what you did rather than the actual assault itself.” 

The elephant man said: 

"I get a lot of people wanting to fight me but I am not like that. But the judge has made his decision and there's not a lot I can do about that."

Never mind, at least our Lee hasn’t had to go off to prison to spend time with Big Fred and One Legged Dave. The experience may have toughened him up and produced a more 'real', urban, street sound. We guess he’ll continue to knock out the ballads. 

At this point, we’d say Lee could go back to his mansion and cook up a gourmet dinner, except he got booted off Hell's Kitchen that time. So he’s probably looking on MySpace at more naked pictures of his fans and picking out which ones to impregnate.

Lee, we still accept your offer of an interview. We’ll give you your chance to say what really happened. Think of us as Martin Bashir and you as Princess Diana or Michael Jackson – depending on your preference.

OK, we don’t hate taxi drivers. Only a fool could bring himself to hate taxi drivers. And only a giant fool would be able to hate taxi drivers to the point of violence. A big stupid fool, probably with a rubbish face and BO and a dirty bumhole and fleas.

Lee Ryan from Blue was in court yesterday for allegedly punching a taxi driver in the side of the head three times. We don’t see how this alters our original point.

Hecklerspray has had its ups and downs with Lee Ryan in the past, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that he’s easily our fifth-favourite former member of Blue, after Duncan, Simon, Zeppo and Digby The Biggest Dog In The World.

We love Lee Ryan because he speaks his mind. Whether he’s angrily reminding people about elephants following the September 11 attacks, getting thrown off a reality TV show during an argument about pikeys or just appearing to shout abuse at strangers in the street, Lee Ryan’s compulsion to bring the truth is admirable to say the least. Also, we quite fancy his Mum.

But every now and again Lee Ryan hits a stumbling block, like when he has to write his thoughts down or when taxi drivers infuriate him so much that he can only express himself by punching them in the side of the head three times.

That’s what apparently happened on New Year’s Eve when it’s been claimed that Lee Ryan punched taxi driver Naeem Ibrahim in the head after his fiancee drove into his taxi, then punched him a further three times after Ibrahim pushed him away. And, charged with common assault, Lee Ryan went to court yesterday.

Although he denies the attack, Lee Ryan faces six months in prison if found guilty. Which he probably won’t, because it’s just Lee’s word against the taxi driver’s. And the passenger who claims to have seen Lee Ryan punching the taxi driver quite clearly. Anyway, don’t get excited just yet, because Lee’s actual trial has been pushed back a bit, as BBC News reports:

The 25-year-old denies the attack and had been due to stand trial. However, the case was delayed because Mr Ibrahim was in India and could not attend Redhill Magistrates Court. Raymond Lewis, defending Mr Ryan, told the court his client punched Mr Ibrahim once in self-defence. When details of his arrest were made public, Mr Ryan was sacked from a “prime-time” ITV Saturday night show in which he was due to appear in six episodes, Mr Lewis told the court.

A prime time Saturday night TV show? What could it have been? Not Britain’s Got Talent, surely, because we’ve seen Lee Ryan’s tapdancing ventriloquist act and frankly it needs a lot of work. Kids Do The Funniest Things? Hardly – it’s called Kids Do The Funniest Things, not Kids Repeatedly Outwit An Angry And Confused Former Boyband Member. We do notice that this Saturday night ITV is showing The Big Fight, though, and that’s not outside the realms of possibility, is it?

Anyway, the point is that Lee Ryan got sacked from the show right after he was arrested for common assault. So here’s what we propose. Next time Lee Ryan’s due to go on TV, we all paint targets on the side of our heads and walk around singing Army Of Lovers in a sarcastic way on the off-chance that Lee Ryan sees it, lashes out and gets the sack again. Sure, it’ll sting a bit, but it’s your moral duty as a human being to keep Lee from being on the telly as much as you can.

Read more:

Former Blue star ‘punched driver’ - BBC

Sadly, Lee Ryan hasn’t been over in Asia protecting the elephants from dying. Instead, he’s been busy allegedly slapping taxi drivers around and consequently being charged for it. The singer will appear before magistrates in Redhill on February 29.

We will be there in full support for Lee with a host of banners including 'We Luv U Lee 4ever', 'U R Propa Fit' and 'Kan Aye Ave A Refund Plz?' To any of Lee’s 12-year-old fans, 'Common Assault' means that he hurt someone for no reason.

So presumably all those songs he wailed about love and harmony were a bit of a lie. We await the trial for news on the best bruv in the world. 

Read more:

Former Boy Band Star Charged With Assault – NME