And Led Zeppelin listen to their fans, which is why – at long last – the Led Zeppelin world tour has finally been announced. Imagine that – Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, John Paul Jones and John Bonham, all together again at last to smash through their hits for millions of fans around the planet. Except for John Bonham and Robert Plant, anyway – one’s dead and one can’t really be bothered.

But nevertheless, the two other members of Led Zeppelin are going on tour anyway, and they’re hiring a stand-in singer to take Robert Plant’s place. By our calculations, this means that in terms of quality the Plantless Led Zeppelin tour will fall somewhere between their Live Aid set with Phil Collins and that weird Olympic thing that Jimmy Page did with Leona Lewis. Talk about a win-win!

Probably the band we have the most respect for in the entire world is Queen. A little thing like their iconic lead singer dying of AIDS didn’t stop them from being able to make money – they just hired a new singer and toured a slightly ropey karaoke-style version of their greatest hits around, even though nobody alive could be expected to enjoy it. Genius.

However, Queen might be about to be usurped from their thrones, because Led Zeppelin have decided to go one better. Ever since they reformed last December at the O2, there’s been an inter-band struggle between Robert Plant; who thought the reunion should be a one-off – and the rest of the band; who want to tour their arses off, record a new album and generally earn enough money to keep them in fanny-sized mudsharks until the day they pop their clogs.

With the band at such a crucial impasse, someone had to make a tough decision. Does Led Zeppelin keep its dignity and refuse to tour unless everyone is involved, or does it sell out, hire a random shitcake stand-in singer and rake in the cash hoping nobody notices?

Oh. The second one. NME reports:

Led Zeppelin will tour with a replacement for founding singer Robert Plant, bassist John Paul Jones has confirmed… Jones has now told BBC Radio Devon that the band are trying out “a couple” of alternative singers for a proposed tour. “We want to do it,” he explained. “It’s sounding great and we want to get on and get out there.”

Apparently one of the replacement singers that Led Zeppelin are trying out is Myles Kennedy, a man who may as well be that turd out of Nickelback from what we’ve been able to work out.

Maybe Led Zeppelin will stick to one replacement singer, or maybe they’ll work on a rotation scheme like Have I Got News For You. Let’s hope it’s the latter, because if there’s anyone who we’d like to hear roar through Communication Breakdown it’s these guys.

But the main question is, if Led Zeppelin are really going to go through with these plans to tour without Robert Plant, can they really still call themselves Led Zeppelin? We don’t think so, and so we’ve drawn up a shortlist of five potential new names for the band to choose from:

1 – Not Zeppelin

2 – Half Of Led Zeppelin, The Dead Bloke’s Son And Someone Who May As Well Be That Turd Out Of Nickelback From What We’ve Been Able To Work Out

3 – Velvet Revolver

Take your pick, chaps.

Better still, they want that album to feature the guitarist, the bassist and the dead drummer’s son with no singer in sight, right? Because nothing rocks harder than an album of instrumentals containing lengthy bass solos as performed by some painfully old men. Right?

Good, because that seems to be what Led Zeppelin are cooking up. It must be true, because the dead drummer’s son said so.

When Led Zeppelin reformed at the O2 stadium last year, some people got a little bit excited. It was just like the old days, they said, except that the member of the band seemed to be aging faster than the Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. It was like The Beatles reforming, they said, but only if someone had shot Ringo instead of John Lennon.

Following their show, Led Zeppelin could have toured the world a hundred times over and got rich enough to shove ten mudsharks up the fannies of every woman on the planet. But it wasn’t to be, because Robert Plant wanted to tour his fiddle-di-dee country album instead.

Maybe Led Leppelin will go on tour at some point, but don’t worry because Jimmy Page apparently has a two-part interim plan that goes as follows:

1) Introduce the British Olympics to the world by playing Whole Lotta Love with a girl off a talent show while pulling a face that makes it look as you’re being sucked off by a giant snail.

2) Record a new Led Zeppelin album.

Since part one has already been dealt with – and by the way, great job Jimmy, you really pulled off the facial expression part perfectly – that just leaves part two. Which is really happening. Or might be happening. Look, it probably isn’t happening, but don’t tell Jason Bonham because it looks as though he’s got his heart set on it. According to BBC News:

Led Zeppelin musicians Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and Jason Bonham have been working on new material. Drummer Bonham told a radio station in Detroit that the songs could be destined for a new Led Zeppelin album. But lead singer Robert Plant has not been involved in any of the sessions, he added… “When I get there [in the studio] I never ask any questions. If I get a phone call to go and play, I enjoy every moment of it.”

Great, so there might be a new Led Zeppelin album coming out, but there probably won’t be and even if there is it won’t have Robert Plant wailing about Mordor all over it. That sounds excellent. No, really.

But listen. If this album is really happening, it’s incredibly important that you get Robert Plant back in the fold. Because otherwise you’ll have to find another singer to take his place. And you know who’s interested? Paolo Nutini.

No, we didn’t think you’d want that either.

That's because Jimmy Page has personally assured the public that Led Zeppelin will definitely tour the world really soon. The whole world. All of it. Even crap countries like Denmark.

And by that we mean that Jimmy Page has mumbled a couple of noncommittal words about Led Zeppelin eventually going on some sort of tour, but not for ages and actually he's not even going to think about it for six months anyway, but that's pretty much the same thing.

Just like people ask "Where were you when JFK was shot?" and "Where were you when Diana died?" people are now asking "Where were you when that old band from the 1970s got back together and played a bunch of really self-indulgent songs about wizards and runes and cobblers like that?" because that's how momentous the Led Zeppelin comeback was.

Even though it was for a few fleeting hours in December, the Led Zeppelin reunion concert had a profound effect on everyone – all the music reviewers in the world had to dig out their big book of ridiculously-overblown metaphors and even little Paolo Nutini wanted to join in, even though it's obvious to all that he'll never be much more than a soggy-knickered spatula.

And, although it was just a one-off show, the fans around the world who weren't able to get tickets for the O2 show all hoped that it'd kickstart a desire within Led Zeppelin to take the show on the road. That was dashed when Robert Plant said he'd prefer to do his fiddle-di-dee solo stuff in the world's greatest barns, and everyone went back to being resigned to a lifetime of watching a taped VHS of Led Zeppelin at Live Aid with a scrunched-up face.

But no! Because Led Zeppelin really are going to go on tour again! All around the world! Probably! Subject to approval from the band members in a meeting that isn't even going to happen until August anyway! The Telegraph reports:

Speaking to promote the band’s Mothership Greatest Hits album in Japan, [Jimmy Page] said: “We did the show and it was great. It was exhilarating, fantastic, every week was a week to look forward to. I can assure you the amount of work that we put into the O2, for ourselves rehearsing and the staging of it, was probably what you put into a world tour.” Chris Goodman, from The Outside Organisation, who look after the band’s PR, said: “Jimmy has said that the band will be meeting up in August to talk about it. “The band meet all the time. There is something in it but I can’t give you any more news at the moment.”

So it's all, um, perfectly… wait a minute, Jimmy Page said the words 'world tour' but not actually in relation to a Led Zeppelin world tour at all. That's a bit rubbish.

Of course, much of the problem in Jimmy Page rushing off and formally announcing a Led Zeppelin reunion lies with Robert Plant, who's thought to be reluctant to go out and sing the same songs over and over again night after night, especially when he's got a folky country album to promote.

But demand is so high for there to be a Led Zeppelin world tour that the band could change whatever they wanted and it'd still all sell out in the blink of an eye, so the financial projections for the proposed tour must be huge. And if there's anything that'll win Robert Plant round to touring, it's the promise that ticket sales will be able to buy him that solid gold one-stringed banjo he's always wanted.

Read more:

Led Zeppelin 'considering world tour' – Telegraph 

Such was the anticipation of Led Zeppelin's comeback that they could have just dicked around on a massive piano like Tom Hanks in Big and broadsheet music reviewers would have jizzed themselves silly, but the chances of Led Zeppelin taking the show on the road have been ruined thanks to Robert Plant suddenly announcing a tour next year with Alison Krauss. But Zeppelin fans shouldn't get too downhearted – to make up for it, The Cheeky Girls have decided to go on a Led Zeppelin-themed world stadium tour where they'll perform hits like Ramble On (Touch My Bum), Dazed And Confused (Touch My Bum) and, of course, a largely-improvised 45-minute version of How Many More Times (Touch My Bum).

You might not have realised this, but a band called Led Zeppelin played some sort of concert this week. It was a fairly low-key affair, and coverage was only limited to every newspaper, magazine, website, TV show, radio programme and human thought in the world, with a ticket application process that was capped somewhere in the low trillions.

The reviews for Monday's concert were uniformly ecstatic, and it doesn't take a genius to realise that if Led Zeppelin were to follow it up with a world tour, they'd be able to charge whatever ticket prices they wanted and people would pay just so they could say that they've see them, even though they'd just be spending their money to watch a bunch of old men screech about orcs.

And prospects for the tour were looking good – Led Zeppelin had even picked out a support act for the tour , even if it was The Cult - but suddenly they've run into a wall. Because instead of circling the world in a luxury private jet ramming different species of marine wildlife up various girls' vaginas, Led Zeppelin singer Robert Plant has decided that he'd rather tour the fiddle-de-dee album he's made with Alison Krauss instead.

That's not a bad thing – some of the album sounds thrillingly like a mix between Viva Voce and Brightblack Morning Light – but Robert Plant's decision has probably cost the rest of Led Zeppelin millions of pounds each, which will at least give Jimmy Page more reason to get all stroppy with websites that sell his merchandise without his permission. 

However, that might not be it entirely for Led Zeppelin – rumours are abound that the band will reform again and again, for shows at Glastonbury and Madison Square Garden and the like. But those Led Zeppelin shows will be equally hard to get tickets for, leaving many of the band's fans unable to see them yet again.

Not that there isn't a workaround, though – and we recommend that unlucky Led Zeppelin fans just smash a nail through the foot of the nearest old man they can find, the effect of which will partially replicate the band's vocals, at least. 

Read more:

Zep tour dream dashed – Mirror 

Of course, that last one isn’t true. Not in your wildest dreams is that true. Neither is the Rhydian one. But the Paolo Nutini one is true and on the cards!

As everyone in the universe knows by now, Led Zeppelin have returned to rave reviews, one and all declaring ‘they still got it’, but do they? Do they? The seminal band, famous for writing songs that float complex metaphors over a sea of musical depth and intelligence – often listed as the greatest band of all time – actually allowed the empty vessel that is Paulo Nutini, famous for his stupid pretty face spurting out lyrics that contain the emotional depth of a ten-year-old, to support them in their recent comeback gig.   

Nutini said:

"You have all these people on your wish-list, and Jimmy Page is definitely on mine, getting someone that’s enthusiastic about your music is the main thing. It’s better to have someone like that produce your record than the trendy hitmakers."

Yeah, it’s better to have Jimmy do it than someone like you, eh Paolo?

Like most of us, we haven’t yet heard Zeppelin’s new stuff, but judging by their new mindset, Page and Plant probably should have decided, back in the day, to join Hendrix and Cobain in the 27 club.

Read more:

My Debt To Rock Gods - Daily Star

[story by Paul Sorrenti] 

We're talking about Led Zeppelin, of course – last night marked the long-awaited, obscenely-anticipated, ticket website-melting Led Zeppelin comeback at the O2. But even though the band is now made up of Michael Winner, a curly-haired toby jug, a bank manager and someone's son, could Led Zeppelin match the hype? We've got a round-up of some of the best Led Zeppelin reviews from last night for you, saving you the trouble of wading through the foaming avalanche yourself.

Warning: the following article contains the phrase "Page dispensed powerchords like an aged Thor lobbing down thunderbolts for kicks." Seriously.

By now you know all the facts about Led Zeppelin's live return. 22 years after they buggered up a comeback at Live Aid – although it's easier to just blame Phil Collins for that one, like we tend to do for everything – Led Zeppelin decided reform for one concert as a tribute to their dead record label boss. It was a risk – not only were Led Zeppelin opening themselves up to criticism about everything from their age to the way that all their songs go on for eight hours, but also it'd mean they'd fall behind in their sideline of bitching about merchandise websites a lot.  

But last night Led Zeppelin got to show if they still had it in front of a tiny slice of the 170 trillion people who attempted to buy tickets for their comeback show. Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and John Bonham's son Jason – whose father wasn't able to attend because it'd mean he'd miss Dragon's Den – turned up at the O2 arena in London to show what we could do. We weren't there, obviously, but that doesn't mean we can't see what everyone else thought of the Led Zeppelin comeback.

Alexis Petridis of The Guardian wrote: "The riff that powers In My Time Of Dying is authentically churning and queasy, Ramble On sounds not like a song that's been brought out of mothballs for a benefit concert but wrigglingly, obscenely alive; Trampled Underfoot's conjunction of jittering funk and squealing, metallic guitar seems more bizarre and beguiling than ever."

Ben Ratliff of The New York Times wrote: "Mr. Plant — the youngest of the original members, at 59 — doesn’t walk and gesture like an excited woman anymore. Some of the top of his voice has gone, but except for one attempted and failed high note in “Stairway to Heaven” (“there walks a la-dy we all know{hellip}”), he found other melodic routes to suit him."

David Cheal from The Telegraph wrote: "Then it got better still: Black Dog. Byzantine riff, pulverising drums, hollering vocals. Magic. And no sign of Jimmy Page's finger injury that had caused the gig to be delayed. 'Good evening,' said Plant."

And finally, since we promised, here's what Pete Paphides from The Times wrote: "Plant’s quick kick to the base of his mike stand sent it flying up into the path of his hand. Page dispensed powerchords like an aged Thor lobbing down thunderbolts for kicks. It had been good before, but something of the devil seemed to get hold of them at this point. Now sans shades, Page launched into a filthy seam of swamp guitar, from which a magnificent In My Time of Dying swelled to epic proportions."

Sounded good, but can those critics say that they've witnessed the monolithic rock spectacle of Chico from X Factor performing at Skegness Butlins? No, no they can't.

Now the biggest question is about the future of Led Zeppelin. Will they go on a world tour like that bloke from The Cult said? Or will they stick to their original story about only doing one show to honour the memory of Ahmet Artegun? Fingers crossed for the first one – because we get the feeling that a reformed Led Zeppelin could be one of the biggest live draws of all time. 

At least until Boyzone get their act together and start doing some shows, anyway.

In fact, records show that every man, woman, child and animal on the face of the earth, living or dead, all tried to book a million tickets each for the Led Zeppelin reunion concert in London that's scheduled for next month. And such was the demand for Led Zeppelin tickets that a full Led Zeppelin reunion tour has long been rumoured, but always denied by the band itself. But now the cat might be out of the bag, because Led Zeppelin's support band has revealed that full comeback tour really is going to happen next year. And who have Led Zeppelin picked to support on such a colossal occasion? Pink Floyd? The Who? The Rolling Stones?

No. The Cult. You know. The Cult. They had that one song once.

We've had a busy few weeks as far as reunions go – first the Spice Girls got back together, then Boyzone… why any band would want to reform knowing that they'd be up against ageless titans like those two groups is beyond us, but still they persist. Like Led Zeppelin, for example.

If you thought that Led Zeppelin had just settled into a cushy retirement of fat royalty payments, topping fantasy supergroup wish-lists and getting a bit shitty with people on the internet, think again, because Led Zeppelin are back. And ahead of their strictly one-night comeback at the O2 arena next month, it's getting to be like the band never went away. True, to indicate their advancing years some of their lyrics have been changed – they'll be singing Stairlift To Heaven, Bloody Immigrant Song and The Song Remains The Same (It's All Bang Bang Bang These Days And It Hasn't Got A Proper Tune), plus when Robert Plant sings "When I feel you near me little girl, I know you are my one desire" in I Can't Quit You Baby, he could be referring to any woman up to the age of 55.

Anyway, in a roundabout way, what we're getting at is that Led Zeppelin have always said that their reunion concert would be a one-off to honour the memory of Atlantic Records founder Ahmet Artegun, with rumours of a tour dismissed by Led Zeppelin themselves. But that doesn't seem to be the case any longer, thanks to blabby old Ian Astbury from The Cult.

According to reports, a Cincinnati club gig by The Cult on Saturday was punctuated by Ian Astbury letting the following slip to the four or five people who'd just gone into the venue to escape the rain:

"We'll be back next year. Because we're opening for a band you may have heard of … the name starts with an 'L' and has a 'Z' in it."

After a few seconds of frantic Countdown-style brow-furrowing – Liza Minnelli? Liz McClarnon from Atomic Kitten? Lorenzo da Firenze? – one unstoppable genius in the crowd screamed out "Led Zeppelin!" and to deafening cheers, Ian Astbury is reported to have 'nodded affirmatively and stuck his hand in the air triumphantly'.

In reality it was Liz McClarnon from Atomic Kitten that The Cult will be supporting all along, but Astbury didn't have the heart to let his fans down.

Oh, we're joking – as far as we know The Cult really are going to be supporting Led Zeppelin on their top-secret world tour next year. There's been no official confirmation from either The Cult or Led Zeppelin about it, though, so nothing's concrete. Especially for The Cult. Led Zeppelin won't be happy that Ian Astbury blew their secret plan before they could tell people themselves, so we'd be worried if we were him. After all, if the band can force a shark up a girl's mimsy just because they find her attractive, imagine what they'll do to a funny-looking blabbermouth like Astbury.