Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Now that The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is ready to hit theaters in mid December and we're all excited (or indifferent, if you're some kind asshole) about returning to Middle-earth again only three questions remain to the intelligent moviegoer:
1. Has Robert Plant seen any of the Lord Of The Rings movies yet?
2. If so, what did he think of them?
3. Does he want to see The Hobbit?
Since their reunion last year, the planet has been clamouring for Led Zeppelin to keep it going and take a tour around the world.
And Led Zeppelin listen to their fans, which is why – at long last – the Led Zeppelin world tour has finally been announced. Imagine that – Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, John Paul Jones and John Bonham, all together again at last to smash through their hits for millions of fans around the planet. Except for John Bonham and Robert Plant, anyway – one’s dead and one can’t really be bothered.
But nevertheless, the two other members of Led Zeppelin are going on tour anyway, and they’re hiring a stand-in singer to take Robert Plant’s place. By our calculations, this means that in terms of quality the Plantless Led Zeppelin tour will fall somewhere between their Live Aid set with Phil Collins and that weird Olympic thing that Jimmy Page did with Leona Lewis. Talk about a win-win!
Nobody wants to hear the old hits when a band reforms – they want to hear an album of new songs, all written by some millionaire pensioners.
Better still, they want that album to feature the guitarist, the bassist and the dead drummer’s son with no singer in sight, right? Because nothing rocks harder than an album of instrumentals containing lengthy bass solos as performed by some painfully old men. Right?
Good, because that seems to be what Led Zeppelin are cooking up. It must be true, because the dead drummer’s son said so.
If you were one of the 36 trillion people who tried to get tickets to see the Led Zeppelin comeback show last year, fret not.
That's because Jimmy Page has personally assured the public that Led Zeppelin will definitely tour the world really soon. The whole world. All of it. Even crap countries like Denmark.
And by that we mean that Jimmy Page has mumbled a couple of noncommittal words about Led Zeppelin eventually going on some sort of tour, but not for ages and actually he's not even going to think about it for six months anyway, but that's pretty much the same thing.
Bad news for the six or seven billion people who tried to get tickets for Led Zeppelin's comeback concert at the O2 in London on Monday night – that was pretty much your only chance.
Such was the anticipation of Led Zeppelin's comeback that they could have just dicked around on a massive piano like Tom Hanks in Big and broadsheet music reviewers would have jizzed themselves silly, but the chances of Led Zeppelin taking the show on the road have been ruined thanks to Robert Plant suddenly announcing a tour next year with Alison Krauss. But Zeppelin fans shouldn't get too downhearted – to make up for it, The Cheeky Girls have decided to go on a Led Zeppelin-themed world stadium tour where they'll perform hits like Ramble On (Touch My Bum), Dazed And Confused (Touch My Bum) and, of course, a largely-improvised 45-minute version of How Many More Times (Touch My Bum).
Paolo Nutini has said he wants Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page to produce his next album. Also, Rhydian has said he wants Bob Dylan to produce his first album, and The Krankies are in talks with Keith Richards.
Of course, that last one isn’t true. Not in your wildest dreams is that true. Neither is the Rhydian one. But the Paolo Nutini one is true and on the cards!
Last night at the O2 arena in London, something momentous happened – a bunch old men played some old songs and everyone wet themselves.
We're talking about Led Zeppelin, of course – last night marked the long-awaited, obscenely-anticipated, ticket website-melting Led Zeppelin comeback at the O2. But even though the band is now made up of Michael Winner, a curly-haired toby jug, a bank manager and someone's son, could Led Zeppelin match the hype? We've got a round-up of some of the best Led Zeppelin reviews from last night for you, saving you the trouble of wading through the foaming avalanche yourself.
Warning: the following article contains the phrase "Page dispensed powerchords like an aged Thor lobbing down thunderbolts for kicks." Seriously.
When Led Zeppelin first announced a one-off comeback show, the demand for tickets was monumental – almost as if people had never seen a bunch of old hobbly old men play a song about runes in the style of helium-spazzed wizards before.
In fact, records show that every man, woman, child and animal on the face of the earth, living or dead, all tried to book a million tickets each for the Led Zeppelin reunion concert in London that's scheduled for next month. And such was the demand for Led Zeppelin tickets that a full Led Zeppelin reunion tour has long been rumoured, but always denied by the band itself. But now the cat might be out of the bag, because Led Zeppelin's support band has revealed that full comeback tour really is going to happen next year. And who have Led Zeppelin picked to support on such a colossal occasion? Pink Floyd? The Who? The Rolling Stones?
No. The Cult. You know. The Cult. They had that one song once.
