JOSIE WALKS OUT OF THE ULTIMATE BIG BROTHER HOUSE

This afternoon Josie walked out of Ultimate Big Brother house via the fire exit in the garden after deciding the experience was all too overwhelming for her (and underwhelming for us).

And as luck would have it, one of the first people she should meet when she escaped through the camera runs was John James in the Big Brother car park, as he had been visiting the Big Brother compound to record a message to give to Josie.

Still wearing her microphone, she was over heard saying “thank god you were here when I came out!” John James said “you’re so stupid! I love you so much!”

She said: “I can’t handle it no more, honestly. I’m so glad you were just there then.”

John James asks “did you go out the same fire exit?”

Josie: “Yes. I just thought f*** this it’s not worth it.”

The pair kissed as Josie apologised to producers saying “I’m so sorry guys. They’re all really nice people don’t get me wrong, I’m normal I’m not a celebrity I’m not like that.

“I couldn’t handle it no more.”

Brian was first to notice that Josie had gone as most of the other housemates were in the living room. They all rushed outside and tried to call her back from the camera run behind the fire exit but she was already on her way out.

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Over the last few years David Tennant has firmly established himself as the most irritatingly wacky gonk-faced Doctor Who ever.

But all good things have to come to an end at some point, and that’s why David Tennant yesterday confirmed everyone’s worst fears – he’s making four more Doctor Who specials. No, that’s not it. We meant to say that after making his four Doctor Who specials, David Tennant is going to leave Doctor Who.

It was a sad announcement, and it’s left Doctor Who fans profoundly upset. But at the same time, the news has also kickstarted speculation over who’ll become the next Doctor Who. Finding an actor who can encapsulate David Tennant’s bravery, enthusiasm and range of zany facial expressions won’t be too hard, though, and we hear that fictional 1980s cartoon puppy Scrappy Doo is top of everyone’s wishlist.

Doctor Who has been good for David Tennant. Before he landed the role, he was just a lanky Scottish actor who could effortlessly pull a number of faces that made him look as if his balls were being tasered.

But now? Now he’s Doctor Who he has it all – fame, money, a crowd of people constantly mistaking him for Richard Hammond, a distantly incesty girlfriend – but that isn’t enough. Because of Doctor Who, David Tennant has got to play Hamlet with the Royal Shakespeare Company, albeit a wacky Hamlet who we assume interrupts his famous ‘To be or not to be’ speech 14 times to pull a face like Kenneth Williams being bummed by a goat.

And once you’ve played Hamlet, you can hardly be expected to chase some alien wheelie bins around Cardiff with Catherine Tate again, can you? And that’s why David Tennant has decided to leave Doctor Who at the end of next year. Reuters reports:

“I’ve had the most brilliant, bewildering and life changing time working on Doctor Who,” said Tennant, who described the part as the “best job in the world.” “I have loved every day of it. It would be very easy to cling on to the Tardis console forever and I fear that if I don’t take a deep breath and make the decision to move on now, then I simply never will. You would be prising the Tardis key out of my cold dead hand.”

So what happens now is anybody’s guess. A new Doctor Who will have to be picked for a start, which means that James Nesbitt should probably start talking to boxy robot dogs as training. But before the new Doctor Who is introduced, David Tennant still has to make four specials to be broadcast over next year. Will they remain standalone and episodic, or will they be take the form of one long, doom-laden story that builds up to Tennant’s death? That remains to be seen.

One thing’s for certain, though – if he’s leaving Doctor Who, David Tennant has probably scuppered plans for that Doctor Who movie. We’d be sad, but anything that keeps Catherine Zeta Jones unemployed is probably for the best in the long run.

Today is a sad day for anyone who’s ever wobbled their chin furiously and burbled “Blwoooear, Madge” – because Harold Bishop is leaving Neighbours.

It’s been announced that Ian Smith, the actor who plays Harold Bishop, is leaving Neighbours in October – and probably forever this time too, not swanning back in five years later because he spuriously only got amnesia instead of dying forever like everyone thought. Probably.

It’s upsetting to think that an ironic cultural touchstone such as Harold Bishop is really leaving Neighbours. The news has been such a shock to our systems that it even briefly reminded us that Neighbours was still actually on TV. We know – that’s how much of a shock it was.

If you want to be famous, go on Neighbours. It’s worked for Kylie Minogue, Jason Donovan, Natalie Imbruglia, Holly Valance, Jim Robinson, that bloke out of LA Confidential and countless others, but perhaps none more so than Harold Bishop.

True, Harold Bishop might not have achieved the same level of superstardom as the others, but in terms of sheer playground taunts he inspired the man is legendary. For instance:

*If you were fat enough to be called ‘Jelly Belly’, it was because of Harold Bishop.

*If you were ever mocked for power-walking or playing the tuba, it was because of Harold Bishop.

*If you’ve ever seen your daughter get shot to death because a hunter accidentally mistook her for a duck, it was because of Harold Bishop.

*If you’ve ever strangled Paul Robinson into unconsciousness with your bare hands, it’s because you’re a maniac who can somehow tangibly injure fictional characters, but it was also probably because of Harold Bishop a bit as well.

But now it’s time for Harold Bishop to move on, and only about six months after Neighbours moved to Channel Five and everyone stopped watching, too. The Times reports:

Channel 10 was quick to make clear that the well-meaning but bumbling Harold, who started off his long run on the show in 1987 by falling in love with Madge Ramsay, was being written out at Smith’s request. Spokesperson Paula Lucarelli told Australian newspapers: … “It was entirely his decision. We love him and would have loved to keep him.”

According to reports, Ian Smith has had a hand in plotting out Harold Bishop’s final storyline – apparently Harold will leave Neighbours after successfully battling prostate cancer. It’s absurd to think that cancer would kill Harold, because Harold will never really leave Neighbours. He’s bound to roll up again in a few years’ time, and he’d look stupid trying to blame a second death – this time from a serious disease – on amnesia again, wouldn’t he?

So farewell Harold Bishop. What will we do without an overweight, typecast, moderately-skilled actor who’s too scared and lazy to ever try breaking out from his comfort zone and so just appears on Neighbours day in day out even though the wasted opportunities must be secretly killing him inside?

What’s that? Toadfish is still in Neighbours? Oh, OK then.

You have to this for Cheryl Cole – at least she's got her dignity.

Sure, Cheryl may have stuck with Ashley Cole even though she knew he was cheating on her with a bunch of women, and only decided to leave him because she was embarrassed that the papers eventually found out, but apart from that Cheryl Cole's still got her dignity. And she once sang a song called Racey Lacey, but apart from that Cheryl's got dignity coming out of her wazoo.

Cheryl Cole's left Ashley Cole by the way. We think that was our original point.

In retrospect, Ashley and Cheryl Cole were the perfect couple. For anyone who thought that Posh and Becks were too well-bred, or Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin were too intellectually stimulating, or that Michael Owen and whoever he's married to were too flat-out, pedal-to-the-metal rock and roll, there was Ashley and Cheryl Cole. They were just like the rest of us, only richer and thicker.

But now it looks like you'll have to find a new pop star/ footballer couple to become freakishly emotionally invested in even though you've never met, seen or spoken to either of them. Because following last week's claims that Ashley Cole has slept with every single woman on Earth, Cheryl Cole has finally decided that enough's enough. She's ditched him, at least temporarily. Sky reports:

Cheryl Cole is reported to be taking a break away from her husband Ashley Cole. She's said to have left their Surrey home for a secret location, in order to think things over. ITN quotes Cheryl's agent as saying: "They (Cheryl and Ashley) are definitely still together. There is obviously lots of stuff going on at the moment and Cheryl has gone away for a break to clear her head for a few days."

Cheryl's gone to clear her head? Well at least she's given herself a job that shouldn't take too long.

So what's the deal now? Cheryl Cole has left Ashley Cole, even though they're still together? That doesn't make sense. Perhaps what's happened is this – Cheryl Cole has decided to spend a week or two away from Ashley until the newspapers find something else to write about, and then she'll quietly move back in with him and warn him that he'll have to be more careful about who he cheats on her with in the future. After all, she doesn't seem upset that Ashley cheated on her, just that it ended up in the newspapers.

Also, we're hearing that Cheryl Cole is – or at least was – planning to have a baby with Ashley to stop him wandering again. And that's a genius idea – after all, there's nothing that will stop an alleged serial cheat like a screaming red goo-covered alien that'll stop him from having sex with his wife at all for a period of up to six months is there? Why haven't more people thought of that?

Read more:

Cheryl's Hubby Break – Sky 

The new series of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here starts tonight, but it'll have to do so with one less deeply irritating attention-whore than it thought – Malcolm McLaren has pulled out.

Malcolm McLaren – former Sex Pistols manager, composer of songs about skipping and the bloke from a recent advert for mayonnaise – has suddenly decided that he doesn't want to be a contestant on this year's I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here mere hours before the show is set to begin. Nobody is sure what prompted Malcolm McLaren to pull out of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – the show where borderline famous people go to Australia, become the host body for all kinds of exotic skin-burrowing insects and survive exclusively on a diet of nothing but testicles and anuses – but it was probably because he couldn't stand spending a fortnight in the same campsite as that awful Changing Rooms woman.

Aside from filling every single one of its commercial breaks with the sort of idiotic jungle noises that you'd usually find in the new-age panpipe concession stand at Woolworths, ITV has always managed to hype I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here in the same way – by promising big names and then delivering names so small that you'd need a sub-atomic microscope and a laptop set to Wikipedia to work out who they actually are.

That's been exactly the case this year – last month the big rumour was that Paris Hilton would appear on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, but what's actually happened is that the only people appearing on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here are one of the interchangeable Hollyoaks titbots, a couple of people from bands you hadn't thought about in a decade and Malcolm McLaren.

Actually, scrap the last one – even though he flew all the way out to Australia to take part on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, it's been reported that Malcolm McLaren has changed his mind and decided to go home hours before its debut on ITV1 tonight, possibly because his fear of poisonous snakes is too great. 

No doubt the entire dramatic story of how Malcolm McLaren left I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here will be told on the show tonight – or at least it'll be as dramatic as you can make the sight of an old man interrupting his billionth month-long anecdote about how he invented hip-hop and was the brains behind The Sex Pistols to look at a snake and make a noise like a schoolgirl wetting herself. It's a shame, really, because Malcolm McLaren had said of himself beforehand that:

"I am utterly irresponsible, I am completely childish and probably everything this production team and society hate."

Now now Malcolm, 'hate' is a strong word. 'Have completely forgotten about' is a far more accurate substitute. But still, just because Malcolm McLaren has realised that chewing on kangaroo anuses isn't particularly the best way to spend one's time, it doesn't mean that I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is without its big names. Also slated to appear tonight are:

* Her out of Catatonia

* Him out of 5ive

* The bloke from Celebrity Wrestling

* The world's most anonymous TV chef

* Inevitable Bikini Girl

* The woman from Changing Rooms. No, not that one. Or that one. The other one

* An annoying highly strung old lady 

* Another annoying highly strung old lady

* Rodney Marsh

But now that Malcolm McLaren won't be a part of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here any longer, it looks like the show's producers have no other option but to draft in a last-minute replacement. This could be the moment that Keith Chegwin has been waiting his entire life for. 

Turns out that Emily Nakanda – the 15-year-old X Factor contestant who was last week described by Dermot O'Leary as 'spirited' – is actually a little bit more spirited than we could have guessed.

Not that we're saying Emily Nakanda is spirited in the sense that she stands up for what she believes in, rather that she's spirited in the sense that she goes around happyslapping other girls in attacks that are filmed on mobile phones and subsequently posted on the internet. And one such video of Emily Nakanda getting another girl in a headlock and pulling her hair has forced her to leave X Factor.

So far all there is to go on is a statement from Emily Nakanda's X Factor mentor Sharon Osbourne which reads:

"I am deeply saddened by this whole situation."

Along with a statement from Emily's family:

"As a family we are heartbroken and are very disappointed with Emily's behaviour, we feel that there is no choice but to withdraw Emily from the competition. Emily and all the family sincerely apologise to both Anna, her school and all the fans that have supported Emily. Emily regrets her actions but there is no way, as a family, we can excuse her behaviour. Emily is very sorry to have let the show, Sharon and the viewers down." 

Whether Emily – who last week sang I'm Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman in the style of a drowsy goose – was forced to leave X Factor, or whether she chose to leave X Factor out of shame of being caught committing such a pikey crime remains to be seen. We're sure all will be revealed on tomorrow's X Factor, probably accompanied by all the whooshing and explosions and hysterical screaming that the show does so well.

We'll have more on Emily Nakanda leaving X Factor as we get it. Unless we can't be bothered. She wasn't exactly very good, was she? 

UPDATE: The Sun has the Emily Nakanda happyslap video online 

Read more:

X Factor Star Quits Over Attack – Sky