Okay, okay… so that isn't quite accurate.

The 80th Annual Academy Awards was in fact watched by 32 million Americans. Now, anyone who works in the rating business will tell you that 32 million people are not to be sniffed at. Hell, that's almost as many people as tuned in that time hecklerspray appeared on Blind Date (you know, the episode in which we took that midget to Legoland and snared her growth-deficient heart).

32 million viewers for the Oscars, though? That's nothing. That's pathetic. That's so darn depressing that Old Mr Statue is crying golden tears and getting ready to wrap a noose made of film reel around his neck. All with a soundtrack by John Williams, of course.

Sunday night's ceremony actually saw the lowest viewing figures for the Oscars since records began. The previous lowpoint was in 2003, when Steve Martin presented and Chicago won Best Picture – an evening so unremittingly mediocre that scientists across the world were obtaining scale-busting readings on their Tediumoters™.

What reason is being given for this disastrous performance? The fact that no-one actually went to see any of the nominated films is a prime suspect, and also a telling one. The highest ever viewing figures for the Oscars were recorded in 1998, the year that James Cameron's Titanic swept the board, and 55 million people switched on to watch L.A Confidential lose out to DiCaprio and Co.

All of which factors into hecklerspray's worldview quite well. The worldview being, of course, that people are stupid, and that had the Oscars been bestowing shiny figurines on idiot-fodder like Spider-Man 3 or Scary Movie 17, chances are that ten times the number of gawkers would have slumped before their TV sets, clapping and squealing whenever they showed a clip of that funny Adam Sandler pulling a face like he was doing a poo-poo.

Next year's line-up, then? Expect changes, people. There'll be no Coen Brothers masterpieces or respected French actresses getting those shiny gongs. Instead, we can presumably look forward to a nomination list that includes Extreme DeathRace 2050, Ghosts Of Mars 2, a remake of Cutthroat Island and the Wayan Brothers' latest Give Us Your Money, You Bunch Of Easily-Impressed Illiterate Shitbuckets.

Guest host: Paris Hilton.

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Sluggish Oscars Were Least-Watched Ever – ABC