lawyers - HecklerSpray

Being Everybody’s Imaginary Boyfriend Backfires On Johnny Depp

April 14th, 2014 By Rhiannon Davies

You wouldn’t imagine there are many downsides to waking up every morning and finding out that you’re Johnny Depp. Having to fight your way through crowds of adoring women on your way to buy the morning paper, maybe.?

Maybe your big wad of $100 bills won’t fit in your crocodile skin wallet. Or, just maybe, you turn up to the premiere of your latest film and are served with papers telling you that you have to appear in court and swear that you are not sleeping with some murderous nutcase. Not the one that they’re concerned about, anyway. Amber Heard does have that shifty look about her, though.

Madonna Divorce: Giant Lawyer-Monsters Hired

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So, to recap – Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced, and they’ll be divorced by Christmas and everyone will be happy forever.

All true. Apart from the bits about the divorce being over by Christmas and people experiencing any sensation other than bitterly violent hatred. Because, for all the talk of a brief and amicable divorce settlement process, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have hired some kickass divorce lawyers.

Madonna has hired Fiona Shackleton, the divorce lawyer who stopped Heather Mills from getting the huge settlement she wanted when she divorced Paul McCartney; with Guy Ritchie plumping for Lady Helen Ward, the woman responsible for securing Britain’s largest-ever divorce payout for one of her clients. What does this mean? It means that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce is going to go on for so long that we’ll all feel like killing ourselves soon. But you probably knew that already.

Britney Spears Gets Saddled With Gigantic Legal Bill

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

All through this messy Britney Spears custody business, we’ve often felt that those coming out of it worst were the poor impoverished lawyers.

Sure, Britney’s lack of contact with her children sent her on a horrifying spiral of mental illness, and her children have spent huge amounts of very important time away from their mother, but nobody thinks twice about the lawyers, toiling away for sometimes as little as $600 per hour in slightly less than palatial surroundings.

But don’t worry – Britney Spears has been ordered to pay almost $400,000 in legal bills. Don’t worry little Timmy, you will get your new crutches for Christmas after all! And a gold-plated private jet shaped like a dinosaur that’s piloted exclusively by three of the Pussycat Dolls! It’s going to be OK!

Jessica Simpson All Pissy About Split Story

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You may have read reports about Jessica Simpson getting dumped by Tony Romo – and it doesn't matter if you haven't, because Jessica Simpson's read it for you.

We know. Jessica Simpson can read. Weird.

Anyway, Jessica Simpson isn't pleased about the reports, to the extent that she's getting her lawyers to make OK! magazine apologise for telling lies.

But, hey, Jessica Simpson can read. Who knew?

Holy Poo! Britney Spears Actually Shows Up For Something!

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Getting Britney Spears to take a court-enforced custody deposition lately has been a bit like trying to fit a big monkey up a flea's bumhole.

Time after time after time Britney Spears has missed her deposition appointment, or just turned up for a couple of minutes at a time, but yesterday Britney finally showed up at the offices of Kevin Federline's lawyer and spent two hours answering questions about her mostly confusing lifestyle.

Isn't it great when 'Britney Spears does something she's supposed to' becomes earth-shaking news?

Church of Scientology to Gawker Media: Hey, Give That Back!

March 31st, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

Here at hecklerspray, we know that there are many things we can’t do for you. We know we can’t rub that painful bunion on your heel, and we know we can’t buy you that box set of Good Times.

And we certainly can’t help you if you’re in an accident. We’re just gonna keep on driving, because Tom Cruise is really the only one that can really help. Just listen to his widely leaked Tom Cruise: Scientologist video that you weren’t supposed to see, and haven’t mirthfully shared with all of your friends.

But we can report on the inevitable fallout from said video. Today’s fallout involves the Church of Scientology’s legal team sending scary letters to Gawker Media because they first posted the video. Yay!

Tom Cruise Unhappy With ‘Tom Cruise Is A Weirdo’ Book

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Tell any man that his daughter was created with the sperm of a dead religious leader and they'll probably get angry – look at Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise's lawyer is on the warpath after Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography by Andrew Morton was published, a book that makes all sorts of wild claims about Tom Cruise's Scientology beliefs while alluding to claims that Tom Cruise's daughter Suri was sired with dead Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard's sperm.

Plainly ridiculous, we know. Everyone knows that Tom Cruise has dried Hubbard's sperm out and uses it as a creepy pesto seasoning.

Britney Spears Now Too Ill To Tell The Truth

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The most important part of the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline Custody Bitchfight To The Death was due to take place yesterday, as Britney was going to submit to questioning under oath by Federline's lawyers.

However, the world will have to wait to hear Britney's version of the truth about her parenting skills. Britney Spears failed to show up to the deposition yesterday, citing an illness. It's a proper illness too, because Britney has a doctor's letter and everything. Britney's no-show has angered Kevin Federline's lawyers, who have rescheduled the deposition and are also seeking court sanctions against Britney Spears, like forcing her to do the deposition in her pants next time if she doesn't bring the right kit.

Or taking her children away from her forever. Or something.