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Lawyer

Ashton Kutcher’s ‘Mistress’ Gets Herself A Lawyer, Which Is Good News

by Mof Gimmers

What do celebrities like? Drugs. What else do they like? Money and lots of it. Okay, what else? Attention. Okay, apart from drugs, money and attention, what else do they like? No? They like having affairs, stupid. And a 23-year-old woman is accusing the weird hairlined Ashton Kutcher of cheating on his oddly framed wife, [...]

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Courtney Love Gets Lovingly Sued By Lovely Credit Card Company

by Shawn Lindseth

At some point in time the American Express credit card company received an application with Courtney Love’s name on it and decided that yes, they would like to entrust her with more than a quarter million dollars. Had they paid attention to the small print in their company policy where it clearly states ‘it is [...]

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Dr Pepper Gets A Full-On Guns N’ Roses Strop Attack

by Stuart Heritage

Axl Rose always keeps his promises – even promises that take about 20 years which nobody really cares about any more.

And if a tubby ginger hermit like Axl Rose can keep his promises, then he damn well expects a fizzy drinks company like Dr Pepper to as well. You’ll remember that Dr Pepper promised everyone in America a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year. Well, Guns N’ Roses did release Chinese Democracy this year but, thanks to a website snafu, hardly anyone got their free Dr Pepper.

And so Guns N’ Roses have literally got their lawyer to demand that Dr Pepper gives everyone their free drink regardless of the cost. It might seem like a heavyhanded gesture, but that’s nothing – Axl Rose is so furious about this mix-up that he’s decided to record a brand new album to deliberately address what he sees as Dr Pepper’s shoddy customer service. Expected release date – the year four hundred billion AD.

Axl Rose always keeps his promises - even promises that take about 20 years which nobody really cares about any more. And if a tubby ginger hermit like Axl Rose can keep his promises, then he damn well expects a fizzy drinks company like Dr Pepper to as well. You'll remember that Dr Pepper promised everyone in America a free drink if Guns N' Roses released Chinese Democracy this year. Well, Guns N' Roses did release Chinese Democracy this year but, thanks to a website snafu, hardly anyone got their free Dr Pepper. And so Guns N' Roses have literally got their lawyer to demand that Dr Pepper gives everyone their free drink regardless of the cost. It might seem like a heavyhanded gesture, but that's nothing - Axl Rose is so furious about this mix-up that he's decided to record a brand new album to deliberately address what he sees as Dr Pepper's shoddy customer service. Expected release date - the year four hundred billion AD.
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Follieri Blames Anne Hathaway For Him Ripping Everyone Off

by Stuart Heritage

OK, we take it all back, we never want to be Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend – it turns out that you have to actually rob God to keep up with her.

Just look at poor old Raffaello Follieri. He faces four years in jail for a litany of wire fraud offences stemming from his fraudulent claims to be close to the Vatican, but none of it is his fault. In fact, if you want to blame anyone you should point the finger at people like his moviestar ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway.

According to Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer, he only start conning people out of their savings to keep up with the lavish lifestyle that celebrities like Anne Hathaway lead. And there isn’t a single reason why we shouldn’t believe him, except that Raffaello Follieri is a convicted conman and Anne Hathaway has perfect skin and dreamy eyes that you could drown in. Oh screw it, we’re going on the rob as well. Hathaway must be ours!

OK, we take it all back, we never want to be Anne Hathaway's boyfriend - it turns out that you have to actually rob God to keep up with her. Just look at poor old Raffaello Follieri. He faces four years in jail for a litany of wire fraud offences stemming from his fraudulent claims to be close to the Vatican, but none of it is his fault. In fact, if you want to blame anyone you should point the finger at people like his moviestar ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway. According to Raffaello Follieri's lawyer, he only start conning people out of their savings to keep up with the lavish lifestyle that celebrities like Anne Hathaway lead. And there isn't a single reason why we shouldn't believe him, except that Raffaello Follieri is a convicted conman and Anne Hathaway has perfect skin and dreamy eyes that you could drown in. Oh screw it, we're going on the rob as well. Hathaway must be ours!
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Madonna Consulting Divorce Lawyer Who Freed Paul McCartney From One-Legged Wife

by Shawn Lindseth

Madonna is like the wind blowing across a round Irish hill, gently carving a path through its tall waving grass.

She is like one thousand butterflies gracefully fluttering their wings as they fly around a dead tree that was felled by beavers like five years or something. She is like a tiger that can’t be tamed, like a peanut butter sandwich that can’t be eaten in less than two sittings.

Also, she is like an old woman who is tired of being married by some reports, and so is consulting the same divorce lawyer that helped Paul McCartney weave his way back to single-dom.

She is like a hecklerspray article that you simply must read more of…

More…

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Heather Mills: The Weird Finger Throat-Slash Court Threat

by Stuart Heritage

We’d have loved to be a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling – and not just so we could puke on everyone’s food and make them ill.

No, in short we’d like to have been a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling because it sounds like Heather Mills went properly berserk.

Although it’s common knowledge that Heather Mills tipped a bunch of water over Paul McCartney’s lawyer’s head in court, it’s now been claimed that Heather Mills also started slashing her fingers across her throat at Fiona Shackleton in court. And, as all schoolchildren know, that’s literally the worst threat you can give. Fiona Shackleton is lucky that Heather Mills didn’t mean business, or she’s be fishing her pencil case from on top of the woodwork block by now.

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Heather Mills ‘Hurls Water Over Divorce Lawyer Like A Crazy Old Nutbag’

by Stuart Heritage

As a former massive-haired gelatine penis-gobbling 1980s naked model, Heather Mills is pretty much class all over.

So, even though it was apparently a fraction of what she hoped to receive, Heather Mills accepted her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney yesterday with nothing but the sort of dignity and grace that could only prove her critics wrong.

What’s that? She didn’t? In actual fact Heather Mills apparently stormed over to Paul McCartney’s divorce lawyer and poured a glass of water over her head? Oh thank god – for a moment there we were worried that all that money had made Heather Mills normal. Perish the thought.

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Britney Spears: More Needlessly Complicated Legal Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears might not be medically qualified to feed or dress herself any more but boy, can she ever play largely inactive roles in elaborate legal proceedings surrounding her estate.

You see, there’s been a fight between Britney Spears’ dad Jamie and a lawyer working for a mystery client about – we think – whether or not Jamie keeps Britney Spears locked in abandoned monkey cage to stop her getting into trouble. And the lawyer had been trying to move Jamie Spears’ conservatorship to a federal court to sort it out.

But it’s OK, because a judge has denied the move. And that’s important news because it, um, has something to do with Britney Spears. Vaguely.

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Paul McCartney Divorcing Heather Mills Right Now

by Stuart Heritage

The warm-up has included accusations of violence, accusations of prostitution, accusations of infidelity and a set of dodgy naked photos that frankly freak us out every time we even mention them.

But now it’s time for the main event – at 10am today, Paul McCartney and Heather Mills started getting divorced.

The five-day High Court Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is taking place behind closed doors so details will be scant, but we do know that Heather Mills is legally representing herself, so there’s a distinct chance that her entire case is going to revolve around shrieking the word ‘paedophile’ in a funny voice. Or red jelly penises.

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Cheryl Cole: Now There’s A Divorce Lawyer

by Stuart Heritage

You know how the other day Cheryl Cole left her cheating husband Ashley for a temporary period of time?

Well, it looks like Cheryl’s definition of ‘temporary’ might be ‘until the end of time itself’ because it’s emerged that she’s been having talks with a divorce lawyer, and stands to earn around £4 million if she does get divorced from Ashley Cole.

Four million quid. Factor in the thousands of ‘Cheryl’s heartbreak’ magazine deals she’ll sign and the new sad ghostwritten autobiography she’ll write, and it’s starting to look like letting her husband have all sorts of drunken vomit-sex with slappers was the best thing Cheryl Cole ever did.

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