Just imagine how BRILLIANT it must be to be held responsible for the break-up of a really famous celebrity couple. Just think about that. You. There in your soiled dungarees, aimlessly chewing your hand. You. Breaking up some really famous people and making them HATE each other.

God. That’d be amazing.

However, Sara Leal – the lass who is being blamed for Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s split when really, it is quite obviously Kutcher’s fault -  isn’t too thrilled about the whole thing, offering mealy mouthed musings on the whole circus that followed her allowing the Two And A Half Men star to put his thingy in her doo-dah. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Leal says that she had “no idea” what would happen after she ALLEGEDLY (yes, we still have to say that, regrettably) sexed with Ashton and claims her life has fallen apart in the aftermath.

She told Fox News:

“It was insane. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It might have seemed like I was asking for it, but I wasn’t. My dad wouldn’t even talk to me, and I got a lot of disturbing phone calls, even from my friends’ parents.”

“I got fired from my job. I am no longer friends with my best friend who was my roommate because it caused so many problems and I had to move out.”

“I wasn’t working for two months, and I only just started working three weeks ago.”

Waa! Boohoo! If that were us, we’d be touting ourselves around to the highest bidder and generally lording it up like nobodies business! Apparently, she wouldn’t have had sex with him if she’d known the truth:

“I don’t watch television and I read very few magazines. It never crossed my mind that he was married. But then he said he was separated, which still doesn’t make things okay, but I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“He was a good looking guy and it was stupid. When people say to me ‘I can’t believe you did that’, I want to say back that most 22-year-old girls in my position would have done the same thing.”

Or, more appropriately and justly, if she DID know who he was and fancied having sex with someone famous, and to hell with his dumb marriage, she was quite right to go ahead and rag his peabrains out. She doesn’t owe Demi Moore a damn thing.

Ashton Kutcher, crucially, did.

So, Sara Leal, can we have a bit more sass and bile please? Sod Christian America. They probably hate you anyway.

Ashton Kutcher is getting a (let us sing it together) D.I.V.O.R.C.E. handed to him by Demi Moore after she found out that he’d been thumbing his winky into a young woman on the famous couple’s wedding anniversary.

Not surprising really, right?

Well, Sara Leal – the girl who received Kutch’s thrutches – has been asked if she feels responsible for the breakdown of a relationship that enchanted literally tens of people across the world.

Leal, collared by TMZ in an airport or something, got asked questions about the event and the notion that it was ALL HER FAULT was thrown at her.

Naturally, she said that she wasn’t, pointing out that she felt nothing more than a…

“bump in the road.”

That vaguely sounds like a sexual act, which is enough to prompt the faintest of humour in our hollow minds.

Anyway, you don’t have to read our stupid words. You can watch this video. Feel free to think ‘Oh, she looks more attractive in a moving image than she did in that Facebook photograph everyone passed around online when the story broke.’

Or not.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and splitting up, just like loads of people’s relationships disintegrate through misdeed, tedium and contempt. It’s not earth-shattering news, but thankfully, because Kutcher is thicker than pig’s swill, there’s been amusing foot-notes.

See, Kutch thought it would be fun to have sex with Sara Leal on his wedding anniversary and tried to show Demi how much she meant to him by buying her an eco-friendly car that ran on guilt.

So where can Demi Moore go now for solace? Step forward Madonna who has an exemplary record when it comes to marriage and relationships. Ahem.

Before we get going, let us look at some of Madonna’s relationship highlights over the years. She’s either married or humped: Sean Penn, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Guy Ritchie, Warren Beatty, Lenny Kravitz, Vanilla Ice, Dennis Rodman, Carlos Leon (who she had a kid with) and even David Blaine.

Warren Beatty aside, all these blokes have been younger than Madge, which is why she’s apparently offering her services to Demi. She knows what they can be like, aight?

Of course, there’s a slight skew here because, thanks to Madonna being one of the oldest humans on Earth, she has to go for people younger than her because they’re the only ones who can actually maintain an erection around her and, indeed, get up steps unaided.

So, thanks to Madge’s vast experience of younger men, she’s offering Demi ‘spiritual guidance’ on the matter. This probably means little more than tying some red string around your wrist and bleating on to a false god.

Metro quotes “a friend” saying:

“She is calling Demi almost every day and sends her messages telling her to be proud of her strength and to know that she fought to make her marriage work.”

“Madonna has had many younger boyfriends so she understands their mindset. She has told Demi that Ashton’s immaturity is evident and that she deserves someone who will fulfil her intellectually and emotionally.”

Fulfilling Demi Moore intellectually. That’s great news! That means all the house flies and plants are in with a shout of getting with Demi too!

Wonderful.

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If you were married to an incredibly wealthy woman, one who probably has a fair amount of expensive shit, what would you do to try and save your marriage to her after you’d been sticking your peen into a younger woman?

Would you make the kind of gesture that money can’t buy in an attempt to woo her again? Perhaps write her a hokey but well meaning song and perform it to her? Maybe you’d cook her that meal she loves in that place you first met? Maybe you’d dance around naked with 500 red roses protruding from your colon in a public place, shouting “I don’t care if I look crazy! I’m crazy about you!”

Well, if you’re Ashton Kutcher, you’ll just buy her an eco-friendly car. An eco-friendly car of love. Pillock.

The Two and a Half Men git spent over US$100,000 on a 2012 Lexus LS 600h hybrid-engine vehicle for Demi, who could probably buy ten of her own and still they’re a massive waste of her time.

Weirdly, buying someone an eco-friendly car implies that the receiver should feel a little guilty for not being green enough, which is a bit rich when you’re displaying no discernible guilt over the allegations that you got your end away with someone called Sara Leal on the sixth anniversary of your wedding.

Amusingly, because Ashton Kutcher is so ludicrously hopeless, Demi Moore has reportedly instructed her lawyers to “punish” him in their divorce.

A source close to Demi said:

“She is furious, raging in fact — you only have to look at every photo you see of her to see the toll Ashton’s cheating has taken on her.

“She wants to punish him financially because of the way he has broken her heart. She is going to give him a bitter fight and, whether or not she wins, it will be an expensive lesson for him.”

Maybe he’ll try to pay her in recycling bins?

And so, just like we all expected, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s six-year marriage has ground to a wheezing halt after Kabbalah counselling surprised us all by being thoroughly useless in its attempts to save a relationship.

Of course, the statements from representatives and twitter missives went into overload last night from all concerned… and those not even remotely concerned.

And we’re going to pick through them. The best of the bunch involves the idea that this was swinging gone bad. We like that theory. That’s the idea we’re running with in our horrible, grotty little minds.

What caused the split then? Well, the big rumour hand pointed its finger at the story which concerned Ashton Kutcher sticking his penis into someone that wasn’t Demi Moore on the eve of their wedding anniversary.

And now, Demi has announced that she is absolutely going to divorce Kutcher. Sadly, she hasn’t said that this is a revenge attack for Ashton’s bringing back of the dismal Two And A Half Men.

Ashton took to Twitter to share his thought over things:

“I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi. Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK”

That’s the same twitter account that Ashton accidentally defended a child rapist last week. Ho-hum. Demi, meanwhile, issued a statement:

“It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.”

She then asked for us all to respect her privacy over the matter, something we haven’t been afforded, so sod that. We’re raking over every single bone of this.

So Person A cheats on Person B, and Person B dumps Person A. So far, so dull. However, there’s a bit of titillation to be had before we’re out. Chelsea Handler has a theory about the break-up.

She suggests that Ashton and Demi had one of those “open marriage-type situations”.

“I think it’s pretty obvious that they probably had a lot of open marriage-type situations.”

“I think they probably had a lot of good times with some other women… I mean, read between the line. They probably had a lot of threesomes that led to twosomes without Demi and that leads to a divorce.”

Meanwhile, Kutch’s first rumoured play-away, Brittney Jones as now arched her eyebrows higher than they’ve ever gone and saying ‘SEE? I BLOODY TOLD YOU.’ See, her credibility was called into question after a sex-tape appeared starring her (not featuring Ashton Kutcher).

She told TMZ:

“Although divorce is often sad I do feel somewhat vindicated. For so long people have thought that I was dishonest or just making up my passionate nights with Ashton, when in fact I was being used. Ashton told me that both he and Demi had an ‘open relationship’ and that he was not in fact cheating. Now I can tell all the facts about how Ashton really was, and hopefully people will believe my side of the story.”

SAUCY! Sorry. DEPRESSING! Wait. FUNNY! Nope. We’ve no idea how we’re supposed to feel. Can we get on with our day now please?

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Ashton Kutcher isn’t having a good time of it lately. Firstly, he’s in the woeful Two And A Half Men. Secondly, he’s allegedly had an affair with a young woman which has totally borked his marriage to Demi Moore. Thirdly, he’s really, really thick.

He’s so dimwitted that he’s had his twitter account taken off him by his management.

Why? Well, clever ol’ Kutcher defended sacked American football coach Joe Paterno who helped cover up the rape of children at Penn State.

If you don’t know what’s going on with Paterno, let us quickly fill you in. He’s a very famous and revered coach of a college football team and he failed to tell police that his assistant was (allegedly) sexually assaulting a boy in 2002.

Kutcher promptly took to his twitter account to defend Paterno, and then, when everyone told him what had happened, he realised what a terrible boob he’d made.

Initially, he tweeted:

“How do you fire Jo Pa? As a Hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste”.

He then back-pedalled like crazy when everyone told him about Paterno’s former assistant Jerry Sandusky, who had been arrested and charged with 40 counts of sexual abuse of young boys over a 15-year period.

Obviously, he was rather embarrassed. Kutcher said:

“As an advocate in the fight against child sexual exploitation, I could not be more remorseful for all involved in the Penn St. case.

“As of immediately I will stop tweeting until I find a way to properly manage this feed. I feel awful about this error. Won’t happen again.

Kutcher’s management team said they would take control of his Twitter account “as a secondary editorial measure to ensure the quality of its content”.

What a stupid idiot.

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You know how Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are totally getting a divorce? They are. Not that we’ve actually spoken to either of them because, regrettably, they’ve stopped taking our calls. But they are. They definitely, definitely are. Allegedly. (Definitely).

Why? Well, any marriage that tries to fix itself with Kabbalah deserves to fail. In fact, any marriage based on any kind of religious thinking deserves everything it gets (mostly, long loveless years bound by children, trapped into a corner by some false god – great!).

Another crucial factor is that Sara Leal (not a celebrity) is saying she had sex with Ashton on the eve of his wedding anniversary. Better still, she’s decided to tell us all about the lack of condom in the rutting. We definitely, definitely needed to know that. They must love each other or something.

That’s right folks! It was the morning of Ashton Kutcher’s sixth wedding anniversary and he went and threw his unguarded member into Sara Leal like there was no tomorrow! Like there was no impending celebration of his betrothal to Bruce Willis’ ex-wife!

HUZZAH!

Speaking to Us Weekly (so go sue those guys if this turns out to be a series of outrageous lies), Sara Leal says:

“He just came up and kissed me.”

Rumour has it that he didn’t even wear a condom when he first kissed her! THE SEX LUNATIC!

Leal then talks about going to Kutcher’s Hard Rock Hotel suite, ending up naked in a hot tub with Kutcher and another woman.

Look at that world. Ashton stinkin’ Kutcher. In a hot tub. With two naked women. Where’s the justice in that? He’s got a face like a ventriloquist’s dummy being sucked toward a black hole.

Anyway, Leal then says that around 6am, she ended up in Kutch’s room where “he lost his towel and I took my robe off,” Leal says. “Then we had sex.”

BUT WE WANT TO KNOW IF HE’S SOME KIND OF SEX LUNACTIC!

“He was good. It wasn’t weird or perverted.”

Boo. But he didn’t wear a condom. Right? Good. The best bit about this whole thing is Ashton’s lines that he used. Seriously. They’re priceless.

“He was like, ‘I enjoy things like this because I’m an actor 90 percent of the time and it’s fake. It’s nice to have moments that are real.’”

Haw haw!

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As our picture, right, shows, Demi Moore’s breasts loomed large in the marriage between the actress and Ashton Kutcher (currently of no-fixed talent). They were there. Hovering. Rock hard.

Of course, this is based on having been unfortunate enough to have seen them in Striptease (so bad it’s not even camp). Those surgeon’s butcheries have scarred our retinas, but at least we didn’t have to live with them, like Kutcher did.

And what with Kutcher being roughly as smart as a bong water, he figured that – if you believe the rumours and reports – instead of recognising a problem and dealing with it in a manner which suits everyone concerned, he’d much rather thumb his flaccid member into a 23 year old on the eve of his wedding anniversary. Surprisingly, divorce is in the air.

According to numerous reports, Demi has got in contact with a divorce lawyer, which means that – presumably – Ashton Kutcher did stick his long, nobbly thing into someone that wasn’t her.

Right?

Presumably, she’s also weighing up divorcing her gravity-defying bangers and looking at photographs of Kutcher’s affairee Sara Leal, to see what hers are like.

Last night an entertainment industry insider said:

“Miss Moore has been totally humiliated. On Friday, therefore, she consulted a lawyer about getting a divorce.”

‘The discussion included her living arrangements and how a divorce would impact her assets. She is worth about £97?million and Kutcher is also worth close to that.”

Assets? Is that boob code?

The source continued:

“She desperately wanted to save their marriage, but the Sara Leal story was a hard one for Kutcher to deny because it was backed up by the seedy photos of him partying.”

Of course, the real reason that this divorce is due, is thanks to the fact that Demi and Ashton went for Kabbalah counselling sessions which is obviously about as much use as a fireguard made of internet.

Idiots.

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Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have been oddly silent while everyone looks on, suspecting that the Two And A Half Men’er stuck his wotsit into a young lady when he should’ve been buying Milk Tray on their wedding anniversary.

For a normally talkative twosome, this silence has only added fuel to the fire that says  they’ve decided to call it a day, leaving Demi to quote Greek philosophers and Kutcher to work out the impossible logistics of Moore’s boobs.

BUT JUST YOU HANG ON A MINUTE! There’s more to this story! It appears religion is getting involved too! How incredibly convenient!

Despite the fact a photograph has appeared online, showing Kutcher riding in a car with someone who looks very much like Sara Leal, who has been saying that she bafflingly and willingly took the erect member of Ashton Kutcher, this F-List duo are still not prepared to talk.

Instead, they’re sending all their meandering, simpleton daydreams to some false God.

Last year, when there were some rumours that this pointless pair were on the rocks, they made a pilgrimage to Israel. This year, with the same thing happening again, the couple have been spotted attending a spiritual session at the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles.

At this Kabbalah session (which we don’t have the first clue about. We’re assuming that it involves sitting silently in a room and trying not to fart), both Kutcher and Moore were seen dressed in “appropriate attire” (or, suits of armour made from duck legs) and very much wearing their wedding rings (carved out of mallard eye-sockets).

What they’re not doing is posting the usual saccharine dross to each other, which normally pollutes their twitter feeds.

Basically, they’re either playing dumb and revelling in the attention in one ghastly PR stunt for Two And A Half Men or, indeed, Kutcher has been caught with his pants down.

Whatever the outcome, there’s no hiding from the fact that both of these humans are entirely useless creatures taking up valuable space on our meagre planet.

At least they’ve got a fictional god though, eh?

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Is this the face of the woman at the centre of the potential split between Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore? Or is it just some random photograph we found online? We don’t know. Neither do you. You’d never really thought about any old picture being used as a possibility in the media until now.

That’s because you’re outrageously gullible.

Either way, this is one of the three photographs being touted around various publications of Sara Leal who is the alleged gal who had sex with Ashton Kutcher. You’re all pretty media savvy. Now the fun begins with angry refuting and potential topless photoshoots in glossy magazines! HURRAY!

The NYPost is saying that Sara Leal is asking for a huge some of money from Kutcher to keep quiet about the whole sexy sexy thing. Of course, now a name is attached to the story, it seems a bit pointless to say “I’ll quietly walk away if you pay me“.

What we can’t help but admire that this request was put in on the same day Kutch’ and wife Demi Moore celebrated their sixth wedding anniversary.

The 23 year old Leal is all set to spill the sausage and beans regarding her hook-up with the Two and a Half Men star (what is it about that show and infidelities?). The mutterings suggest that Leal and Kutcher bumped uglies at the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego last Friday after a night on the lash.

Of course, the cool thing about watching a relationship get trashed (what? They’re human beings with feelings?! GETOUTTATOWN!) is that this could be just the beginning.

Look at the way Tiger Woods went from being in a small sticky spot to Jesus! He had roughly 3 million mistresses! THE DAWG!

And this isn’t the first whisper Kutcher putting this wang where it shouldn’t be wanging. Last year, a woman named Brittney Jones was hauling a story around claiming to have bedded Ashton, complete with corresponding sex tape.

Even better about this story is that it stars the increasingly mental Demi Moore. On twitter, she’s been spouting some really odd things.

Recently, she quoted a Greek philosopher, writing:

“When we are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself & study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger”

Last Monday, she posted a picture of her face with her eyes closed, and the words:

“I see through you.”

Hopefully, this is all about to blow up and, with any luck, there could be an Owen Wilson-style suicide attempt. COME ON HOLLYWOOD! WE BELIEVE IN YOU!

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What do celebrities like? Drugs. What else do they like? Money and lots of it. Okay, what else? Attention. Okay, apart from drugs, money and attention, what else do they like? No?

They like having affairs, stupid.

And a 23-year-old woman is accusing the weird hairlined Ashton Kutcher of cheating on his oddly framed wife, Demi Moore. She’s so confident that this affair took place that she’s gone and got herself a lawyer who will agree with her for money.

The woman, who RadarOnline.com has chosen not to identify until they believe the story with more conviction, when they’ll then claim as an EXCLUSIVE, has buddied up with a top Hollywood attorney and gone into hiding.

This is according to ‘multiple friends of the woman’ who are close to her, but not close enough to stay quiet in the beginnings of a legal process.

Nice.

One chum said:

“She is due to meet with an attorney… she is freaking out.”

Kutcher and Moore aren’t answering the telephone on these allegation, which is handy because Star magazine is going to hit newsstands with what they describe as “a sensational report, revealing the pair’s marriage is “officially over” as a result of Kutcher’s cheating.”

God forbid one of the couple should intervene with a big envelope of money. We need things to write about.

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At some point in time the American Express credit card company received an application with Courtney Love’s name on it and decided that yes, they would like to entrust her with more than a quarter million dollars.

Had they paid attention to the small print in their company policy where it clearly states ‘it is ill-advised that any money ever be lent to people who poop out their mouth and call it a record,’ then perhaps they could have avoided this lawsuit all together.

Oh that’s right – we said lawsuit. The credit card company claims Love refuses to pay back $352,059.67.

It’s all been downhill for Courtney Love ever since her husband died and couldn’t write music for her band to record anymore. Also, it’s been down hill since she smeared her lipstick 15 years ago and apparently everyone feels to awkward to tell her. She’s also been all downhill since she was born so very unattractive.

All in all the woman has had a rough go.

And its getting rougher. American Express claims she owes them $352,059.67, and she claims she shouldn’t have to pay them back since she wrapped the money in a taco and then kept it in her bum until the whole wad smelted.

That last part we heard her say in a dream.

This is what American Express says about the whole mess (according to Reuters):

“[American Express] sued the musician in Los Angeles on Wednesday, alleging she owes more than $350,000 in unpaid charges and other fees on her AmEx Gold card. The lawsuit, filed in U.S. District Court, seeks $352,059.67 for the unpaid balance, damages, attorney’s fees and late charges, and says Love’s charging privileges were suspended after she “failed and refused” to make payments.”

Well that’s their side. Loves side is actually quite different. According to TMZ:

“Love’s lawyer writes: “AmEx knows the claim has no merit. We have told them this for a long time. AmEx’s lax policies allowed fraudulent transactions to be charged to my client’s card.”…Keith Fink, Courtney’s lawyer, tells us that 104 AmEx credit cards were taken out under Courtney’s name or the name of her business — and that all the charges attributed to Courtney weren’t made by her. He also said it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out nobody takes out 104 credit cards!”

Well Love’s lawyer Keith Fink, we’re inclined to side with you. It would be completely outrageous for a normal person to get 104 accounts for the exact same credit card brand. You should check up there with the smelted tacos before you get to court though. You wouldn’t want an ill-timed fart to blow your case.

That would be embarrassing on at least two different levels.

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Axl Rose always keeps his promises – even promises that take about 20 years which nobody really cares about any more.

And if a tubby ginger hermit like Axl Rose can keep his promises, then he damn well expects a fizzy drinks company like Dr Pepper to as well. You’ll remember that Dr Pepper promised everyone in America a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year. Well, Guns N’ Roses did release Chinese Democracy this year but, thanks to a website snafu, hardly anyone got their free Dr Pepper.

And so Guns N’ Roses have literally got their lawyer to demand that Dr Pepper gives everyone their free drink regardless of the cost. It might seem like a heavyhanded gesture, but that’s nothing – Axl Rose is so furious about this mix-up that he’s decided to record a brand new album to deliberately address what he sees as Dr Pepper’s shoddy customer service. Expected release date – the year four hundred billion AD.

Axl Rose and Dr Pepper are remarkably similar. They’re both ginger, for starters, plus they’re equally bubbly. And both of them have funny names and are only really enjoyed by massive idiots with no taste.

So back in March when Dr Pepper promised everyone a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy before the end of 2008, it seemed like such a brilliant marketing stunt. After all, not only did it give Dr Pepper more press coverage that it knew what to do with, but it was all free – Dr Pepper would never have to pay out because it was common knowledge that Axl Rose was going to stay locked up in his studio, tightening and untightening a solitary cymbal wingnut in his pants until it made the exact sound he wanted, which would be never because the exact sound he wanted was actually a mooing cow.

But anyway, this week the unthinkable happened. Guns N’ Roses actually released Chinese Democracy. And that meant three things:

1 - About four people who still think it’s 1991 were slightly thrilled.

2 - China got its knickers in a twist a bit.

3 - Everyone got a free Dr Pepper.

Except that last one didn’t actually happen. You see, what Dr Pepper meant when it said that everyone got a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year was that everyone gets a free drink, but only on the day of its release, and then only if you managed to get onto the Dr Pepper website to download the appropriate voucher before heavy traffic derailed it for most of that day.

And this set of near-impossible conditions has made Axl Rose so furious that he’s actually set his lawyer Alan Gutman onto Dr Pepper. Reuters reports:

Gutman is demanding that Dr Pepper makes good on its offer by extending the period for the offer; he also wants full-page apologies in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today and the Wall Street Journal. Gutman’s letter makes clear his view that the original campaign was an “exploitation of my clients’ legendary reputation and their eagerly awaited album” and “brazenly violated our clients’ rights.”

Oh, and money. Axl Rose wants money too. As if you needed to be told.

But although this is basically an argument about how people can’t get a free horrible-tasting drink because a rubbish band released a disappointing album within a certain timeframe, Axl Rose should be congratulated on his newfound attentiveness towards consumer affairs.

Not that we should be surprised, though – Axl Rose has had a long-standing interest in the world of customer service for some time now. It’s a little-known fact that Bad Apples was written about the returns policy of his local greengrocer, while Sweet Child O’ Mine was Axl’s angry reaction to the baby he received from a cannibalism website which tasted slightly tart when he had specifically requested a sugary one. True story*.

*Not a true story.

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OK, we take it all back, we never want to be Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend – it turns out that you have to actually rob God to keep up with her.

Just look at poor old Raffaello Follieri. He faces four years in jail for a litany of wire fraud offences stemming from his fraudulent claims to be close to the Vatican, but none of it is his fault. In fact, if you want to blame anyone you should point the finger at people like his moviestar ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway.

According to Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer, he only start conning people out of their savings to keep up with the lavish lifestyle that celebrities like Anne Hathaway lead. And there isn’t a single reason why we shouldn’t believe him, except that Raffaello Follieri is a convicted conman and Anne Hathaway has perfect skin and dreamy eyes that you could drown in. Oh screw it, we’re going on the rob as well. Hathaway must be ours!

Men turn to crime for many different reasons. Some are desperate and some are simply opportunists, but not Raffaello Follieri. Raffaello Follieri turned to crime for the purest reason there is – he wanted to dick an actress.

Chances are you know Raffaello Follieri’s story by now – how he played up false ties to the Catholic Church to con strangers out of millions of dollars in dodgy property deals and got arrested and now faces a four-year jail sentence – but we’ve only just learnt why it all happened.

It’s because all Raffaello Follieri wanted to do was keep his girlfriend Anne Hathaway happy and stocked up with flowers and jewellery and boxes of puppies and expensive breakfast cereal and whatever product it is that keeps her hair so lustrous and sexy. And the only way he could do that was to bring misery to a series of innocent property investors. If anything it should be Anne Hathaway who’s in prison, the bitch.

We’re paraphrasing, but that’s more or less the jist of the papers recently submitted to court by Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer requesting a sentence of three, rather than four, years in jail. The exact wording is:

When he was only 24 years old, this young man from a small city in the South of Italy found himself a successful international entrepreneur befriended by the rich and famous…He was surrounded by movie stars and celebrities and this young man who neither drinks nor smokes became intoxicated with it all. Unfortunately he lacked the resources to maintain the opulent life style of his new friends. Even more unfortunately, he had almost unfettered access to hundreds of thousands of dollars…

OK, OK Raffaello, you’ve won us over. That sounds like a marvellous property deal. Now where do we sign the… hey! Wait a minute! That wasn’t even a paragraph about your property scam and you still almost managed to con us out of our savings. You’re good, Follieri, we’ll give you that.

There’s another week to go until we can find out if Rafaello Follieri’s plea worked, because that’s when his sentencing is due. In the meantime, all he can do is sit and reflect on all the trouble that having a movie star girlfriend like Anne Hathaway can cause.

In fact we should all reflect on that. Let’s make a pact – none of us will go out with Anne Hathaway in case we’re dragged into a life of crime to fund it. Instead, we should probably all turn our sights onto Jennifer Aniston, because we hear that she lets you be her boyfriend for a ham sandwich and a go on your rollerskates.

Madonna is like the wind blowing across a round Irish hill, gently carving a path through its tall waving grass.

She is like one thousand butterflies gracefully fluttering their wings as they fly around a dead tree that was felled by beavers like five years or something. She is like a tiger that can’t be tamed, like a peanut butter sandwich that can’t be eaten in less than two sittings.

Also, she is like an old woman who is tired of being married by some reports, and so is consulting the same divorce lawyer that helped Paul McCartney weave his way back to single-dom.

She is like a hecklerspray article that you simply must read more of…

Career-wise everything has always been tops for Madonna. H&M hired her once. Also she makes movies and sometimes sings into things like microphones or what-have-you.

Personal-wise though – things are looking grim. Not only does she now have to raise a third kid until she’s ninety because some African court demanded it, but also her marriage is supposedly built on some very loose rocks even though she likes to sleep with her husband all the time.

Times Online fills in some of the details:

“She did it for Macca — now she can do it for Madonna. Fiona Shackleton, the divorce lawyer who ensured that Sir Paul McCartney retained all but £24.3 million of his £825 million fortune, has been lined up by the 49-year-old pop star. Madonna, whose fortune is estimated at £300 million, is understood to be seeking legal advice on a possible divorce from her husband of seven years, the film director Guy Ritchie.”

Guy Ritchie's not sitting idly by, mind you – he's lawyering up too, apparently, and maybe thinking about going on dates with Cyndi Lauper once this whole thing blows over. This is a shame though – we really thought the Ritchie-Madonnas were in it for the long haul. It must be more difficult having those old hands wrap around your jaw whenever she kisses you than we thought.

Could you imagine that? We bet it feels sandpapery.