At some point in time the American Express credit card company received an application with Courtney Love’s name on it and decided that yes, they would like to entrust her with more than a quarter million dollars.

Had they paid attention to the small print in their company policy where it clearly states ‘it is ill-advised that any money ever be lent to people who poop out their mouth and call it a record,’ then perhaps they could have avoided this lawsuit all together.

Oh that’s right – we said lawsuit. The credit card company claims Love refuses to pay back $352,059.67.

It’s all been downhill for Courtney Love ever since her husband died and couldn’t write music for her band to record anymore. Also, it’s been down hill since she smeared her lipstick 15 years ago and apparently everyone feels to awkward to tell her. She’s also been all downhill since she was born so very unattractive.

All in all the woman has had a rough go.

And its getting rougher. American Express claims she owes them $352,059.67, and she claims she shouldn’t have to pay them back since she wrapped the money in a taco and then kept it in her bum until the whole wad smelted.

That last part we heard her say in a dream.

This is what American Express says about the whole mess (according to Reuters):

“[American Express] sued the musician in Los Angeles on Wednesday, alleging she owes more than $350,000 in unpaid charges and other fees on her AmEx Gold card. The lawsuit, filed in U.S. District Court, seeks $352,059.67 for the unpaid balance, damages, attorney’s fees and late charges, and says Love’s charging privileges were suspended after she “failed and refused” to make payments.”

Well that’s their side. Loves side is actually quite different. According to TMZ:

“Love’s lawyer writes: “AmEx knows the claim has no merit. We have told them this for a long time. AmEx’s lax policies allowed fraudulent transactions to be charged to my client’s card.”…Keith Fink, Courtney’s lawyer, tells us that 104 AmEx credit cards were taken out under Courtney’s name or the name of her business — and that all the charges attributed to Courtney weren’t made by her. He also said it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out nobody takes out 104 credit cards!”

Well Love’s lawyer Keith Fink, we’re inclined to side with you. It would be completely outrageous for a normal person to get 104 accounts for the exact same credit card brand. You should check up there with the smelted tacos before you get to court though. You wouldn’t want an ill-timed fart to blow your case.

That would be embarrassing on at least two different levels.

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And if a tubby ginger hermit like Axl Rose can keep his promises, then he damn well expects a fizzy drinks company like Dr Pepper to as well. You’ll remember that Dr Pepper promised everyone in America a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year. Well, Guns N’ Roses did release Chinese Democracy this year but, thanks to a website snafu, hardly anyone got their free Dr Pepper.

And so Guns N’ Roses have literally got their lawyer to demand that Dr Pepper gives everyone their free drink regardless of the cost. It might seem like a heavyhanded gesture, but that’s nothing – Axl Rose is so furious about this mix-up that he’s decided to record a brand new album to deliberately address what he sees as Dr Pepper’s shoddy customer service. Expected release date – the year four hundred billion AD.

Axl Rose and Dr Pepper are remarkably similar. They’re both ginger, for starters, plus they’re equally bubbly. And both of them have funny names and are only really enjoyed by massive idiots with no taste.

So back in March when Dr Pepper promised everyone a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy before the end of 2008, it seemed like such a brilliant marketing stunt. After all, not only did it give Dr Pepper more press coverage that it knew what to do with, but it was all free – Dr Pepper would never have to pay out because it was common knowledge that Axl Rose was going to stay locked up in his studio, tightening and untightening a solitary cymbal wingnut in his pants until it made the exact sound he wanted, which would be never because the exact sound he wanted was actually a mooing cow.

But anyway, this week the unthinkable happened. Guns N’ Roses actually released Chinese Democracy. And that meant three things:

1 - About four people who still think it’s 1991 were slightly thrilled.

2 - China got its knickers in a twist a bit.

3 - Everyone got a free Dr Pepper.

Except that last one didn’t actually happen. You see, what Dr Pepper meant when it said that everyone got a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year was that everyone gets a free drink, but only on the day of its release, and then only if you managed to get onto the Dr Pepper website to download the appropriate voucher before heavy traffic derailed it for most of that day.

And this set of near-impossible conditions has made Axl Rose so furious that he’s actually set his lawyer Alan Gutman onto Dr Pepper. Reuters reports:

Gutman is demanding that Dr Pepper makes good on its offer by extending the period for the offer; he also wants full-page apologies in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today and the Wall Street Journal. Gutman’s letter makes clear his view that the original campaign was an “exploitation of my clients’ legendary reputation and their eagerly awaited album” and “brazenly violated our clients’ rights.”

Oh, and money. Axl Rose wants money too. As if you needed to be told.

But although this is basically an argument about how people can’t get a free horrible-tasting drink because a rubbish band released a disappointing album within a certain timeframe, Axl Rose should be congratulated on his newfound attentiveness towards consumer affairs.

Not that we should be surprised, though – Axl Rose has had a long-standing interest in the world of customer service for some time now. It’s a little-known fact that Bad Apples was written about the returns policy of his local greengrocer, while Sweet Child O’ Mine was Axl’s angry reaction to the baby he received from a cannibalism website which tasted slightly tart when he had specifically requested a sugary one. True story*.

*Not a true story.

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Just look at poor old Raffaello Follieri. He faces four years in jail for a litany of wire fraud offences stemming from his fraudulent claims to be close to the Vatican, but none of it is his fault. In fact, if you want to blame anyone you should point the finger at people like his moviestar ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway.

According to Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer, he only start conning people out of their savings to keep up with the lavish lifestyle that celebrities like Anne Hathaway lead. And there isn’t a single reason why we shouldn’t believe him, except that Raffaello Follieri is a convicted conman and Anne Hathaway has perfect skin and dreamy eyes that you could drown in. Oh screw it, we’re going on the rob as well. Hathaway must be ours!

Men turn to crime for many different reasons. Some are desperate and some are simply opportunists, but not Raffaello Follieri. Raffaello Follieri turned to crime for the purest reason there is – he wanted to dick an actress.

Chances are you know Raffaello Follieri’s story by now – how he played up false ties to the Catholic Church to con strangers out of millions of dollars in dodgy property deals and got arrested and now faces a four-year jail sentence – but we’ve only just learnt why it all happened.

It’s because all Raffaello Follieri wanted to do was keep his girlfriend Anne Hathaway happy and stocked up with flowers and jewellery and boxes of puppies and expensive breakfast cereal and whatever product it is that keeps her hair so lustrous and sexy. And the only way he could do that was to bring misery to a series of innocent property investors. If anything it should be Anne Hathaway who’s in prison, the bitch.

We’re paraphrasing, but that’s more or less the jist of the papers recently submitted to court by Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer requesting a sentence of three, rather than four, years in jail. The exact wording is:

When he was only 24 years old, this young man from a small city in the South of Italy found himself a successful international entrepreneur befriended by the rich and famous…He was surrounded by movie stars and celebrities and this young man who neither drinks nor smokes became intoxicated with it all. Unfortunately he lacked the resources to maintain the opulent life style of his new friends. Even more unfortunately, he had almost unfettered access to hundreds of thousands of dollars…

OK, OK Raffaello, you’ve won us over. That sounds like a marvellous property deal. Now where do we sign the… hey! Wait a minute! That wasn’t even a paragraph about your property scam and you still almost managed to con us out of our savings. You’re good, Follieri, we’ll give you that.

There’s another week to go until we can find out if Rafaello Follieri’s plea worked, because that’s when his sentencing is due. In the meantime, all he can do is sit and reflect on all the trouble that having a movie star girlfriend like Anne Hathaway can cause.

In fact we should all reflect on that. Let’s make a pact – none of us will go out with Anne Hathaway in case we’re dragged into a life of crime to fund it. Instead, we should probably all turn our sights onto Jennifer Aniston, because we hear that she lets you be her boyfriend for a ham sandwich and a go on your rollerskates.

She is like one thousand butterflies gracefully fluttering their wings as they fly around a dead tree that was felled by beavers like five years or something. She is like a tiger that can’t be tamed, like a peanut butter sandwich that can’t be eaten in less than two sittings.

Also, she is like an old woman who is tired of being married by some reports, and so is consulting the same divorce lawyer that helped Paul McCartney weave his way back to single-dom.

She is like a hecklerspray article that you simply must read more of…

Career-wise everything has always been tops for Madonna. H&M hired her once. Also she makes movies and sometimes sings into things like microphones or what-have-you.

Personal-wise though – things are looking grim. Not only does she now have to raise a third kid until she’s ninety because some African court demanded it, but also her marriage is supposedly built on some very loose rocks even though she likes to sleep with her husband all the time.

Times Online fills in some of the details:

“She did it for Macca — now she can do it for Madonna. Fiona Shackleton, the divorce lawyer who ensured that Sir Paul McCartney retained all but £24.3 million of his £825 million fortune, has been lined up by the 49-year-old pop star. Madonna, whose fortune is estimated at £300 million, is understood to be seeking legal advice on a possible divorce from her husband of seven years, the film director Guy Ritchie.”

Guy Ritchie's not sitting idly by, mind you – he's lawyering up too, apparently, and maybe thinking about going on dates with Cyndi Lauper once this whole thing blows over. This is a shame though – we really thought the Ritchie-Madonnas were in it for the long haul. It must be more difficult having those old hands wrap around your jaw whenever she kisses you than we thought.

Could you imagine that? We bet it feels sandpapery.

No, in short we'd like to have been a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling because it sounds like Heather Mills went properly berserk.

Although it's common knowledge that Heather Mills tipped a bunch of water over Paul McCartney's lawyer's head in court, it's now been claimed that Heather Mills also started slashing her fingers across her throat at Fiona Shackleton in court. And, as all schoolchildren know, that's literally the worst threat you can give. Fiona Shackleton is lucky that Heather Mills didn't mean business, or she's be fishing her pencil case from on top of the woodwork block by now.

Being Heather Mills can't be that much fun, because each of her victories come strapped to a larger failure. Take her recent divorce from Paul McCartney – Heather Mills won $24.3 million in a day, more than the average worker would earn in 800 years, but the money came with a divorce ruling that basically called Heather Mills a massive twat.

Worse still, Heather Mills apparently marked the end of the divorce by pouring a jug of water over the head of Paul McCartney's lawyer Fiona Shackleton. Although the ethics of making such a scene are slightly ropey, it must have been incredibly satisfying for Heather to get her own back like that. At least until everyone saw that the water had squashed down Shackleton's gigantic bouffant haircut and made her about 30% sexier in the process.

True, that still put Fiona Shackleton's sexiness percentage at about minus five, but it must have made Heather Mills feel pretty stupid.

And if today's reports are correct then it didn't stop there. As well as tipping water over Fiona Shackleton's head, Heather Mills also made a throat-slash gesture with her fingers directly at her, in the way that we thought only pikeys and fictional pirates did. The Sun reports:

Furious Heather Mills made a throat-slashing gesture at Sir Paul McCartney’s victorious divorce lawyer, The Sun can reveal. Mucca, 40, glared across court at Fiona Shackleton and drew two fingers across her throat. The dramatic moment came shortly after the divorce ruling that exposed Heather as a scheming fantasist and left her with a £24million settlement – just a fifth of what she wanted. Mucca had read Mr Justice Bennett’s damning judgment and realised that Shacka’s courtroom success had left her reputation in tatters. A source said: “Paul thought Heather had gone completely off her rocker. He was shocked because it was so completely out of order and just not the way to conduct yourself in court.”

However, let's not rush to conclusions – none of us were there so we don't know if Heather Mills really did the throat-slash at Fiona Shackleton. And if she did, who's to say that it was meant in the terrifying 'I'll find you and slash your throat' threat way. For all we know, Heather Mills could have been motioning to her throat to tell Shackleton how deep in whipped cream, cherries and translucent bondage gear she was when she made that German sex book of hers in the eighties.

If it was a genuine threat, though, then Heather Mills has been dreadfully shortsighted. Not only would it suggest that she could be held in contempt of court for her behaviour, but it's hardly likely to endear her to the next elderly out-of-touch multimillionaire that she decides to briefly get married to. Accusations of stabbing they can live with, but finger-slashing a lawyer? What ghastly form.

Read more:

Mucca's Slasher Threat To Shacka – The Sun 

So, even though it was apparently a fraction of what she hoped to receive, Heather Mills accepted her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney yesterday with nothing but the sort of dignity and grace that could only prove her critics wrong.

What's that? She didn't? In actual fact Heather Mills apparently stormed over to Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer and poured a glass of water over her head? Oh thank god – for a moment there we were worried that all that money had made Heather Mills normal. Perish the thought.

This morning Heather Mills woke up a new women. Her saggy-faced pensioner of an estranged husband Paul McCartney had become her saggy-faced pensioner of an ex-husband and she had £24.3 million of divorce settlement money to blow on whatever she wanted. But is Heather Mills happy?

No she isn't. Heather Mills may have won £24.3 million from Paul McCartney, but she was reportedly angling for much more than that. So how did Heather Mills take out her anger on the verdict? By rushing over to the nearest group of television cameras and babbling in a demented way for 11 minutes about how brilliant she is and how shit Paul McCartney is while giving the impression that she's going to hand over the full total to charity even though she probably won't?

Well, yes, admittedly Heather Mills did do exactly that, but only after she poured a glass of water of the head of Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer. Like we said, classy. The Sun reports:

And as the hearing ended, witnesses said Mucca calmly picked up the water and soaked lawyer Fiona Shackleton. Heather, 40, last night refused to admit pouring the water, which judge Mr Justice Bennett could have viewed as contempt. But she laughingly boasted that Ms Shackleton, 51, had been “baptised in court” — and a source confirmed to The Sun that she was behind the attack. A witness said: “Heather tipped the water over Fiona’s head. She didn’t throw it. It was cool, calm and collected. It trickled down Fiona’s neck. She waited until the hearing was over. The judge would have taken a very dim view of it if he’d seen it.”

Fiona Shackleton should be lucky that it was Heather Mills who attacked her, if anything. Had it been Paul McCartney holding the glass there'd have been a stabby stabby bloodbath – and that's as near to fact as we can comfortably allude  to without fear of a lawsuit for defamation.

Anyway, it's likely that we'll eventually hear about Heather Mills' divorce water-attack from the horse's mouth sooner or later because, as Heather Mills said in her weird rant yesterday, she's been forced into silence over the divorce for the last 21 months and now it's her turn to talk.

And given that her definition of 'silence' is 'one berserk screaming British breakfast TV interview, another two berserk interviews on American television shows, a weepy interview about how she isn't a golddigger on American TV, an even weepier radio interview and a six-week stint on a spangly one-legged televised backflip competition', we get the feeling that there's going to be an awful lot of talking.

We suppose our real point here, though, is that an angry Heather Mills is better than a happy Heather Mills. Because, in the name of all that's holy, have you ever seen Heather Mills smile? She looks like a bad impressionist painting of a constipated hairdresser who's straining for a poo, trying to bend a metal girder with her hands and attempting to work out advanced partial differential equations in her head all at the same time. With brainfreeze. Nobody wants to see that.

Read more: 

Mucca chucksa cuppa water over Macca's lawyer Shacka – The Sun 

You see, there's been a fight between Britney Spears' dad Jamie and a lawyer working for a mystery client about – we think – whether or not Jamie keeps Britney Spears locked in abandoned monkey cage to stop her getting into trouble. And the lawyer had been trying to move Jamie Spears' conservatorship to a federal court to sort it out.

But it's OK, because a judge has denied the move. And that's important news because it, um, has something to do with Britney Spears. Vaguely.

Deep down, the whole world wants to be Britney Spears' conservator, but they're all just too scared to admit it. All that money. All that power. All that stopping Britney Spears from weeing on her own. It's enough to send you crazy with power. So crazy that you end up in a psychiatric hospital. Possibly.

As you already know, Britney Spears' current conservator is her father. Jamie Spears has done a pretty good job of keeping Britney under tight control so far – he's sacked her manager and managed to halt the flow of 'look what a crazy old nutter Britney Spears is' stories. But some would say that Jamie is imposing his will on Britney Spears a little too much.

Back on Valentine's Day, lawyer Jon Eardley – ostensibly working on the behalf of Britney Spears, although nobody seems too sure who actually hired him – filed papers seeking to move the conservatorship case to a federal court. The exact details are far too long and boring to go into, but the jist of it is that Jamie Spears is said to have so much control over Britney Spears that it violates her civil rights. And also that, at night, Jamie Spears dresses Britney up as a Russian dancing bear and makes her jig along to accordion music while standing on a heated plate. Or something.

However, yesterday a judge decided to deny the federal move, as Reuters reports:

A federal judge has denied an attempt to move the conservatorship case over the affairs of troubled pop star Britney Spears to U.S. jurisdiction from a California court, documents showed on Wednesday. U.S. District Judge Philip Gutierrez ruled the claims "may not arise under federal law" and indicated that not all necessary supporting documents were submitted, according to court papers.

The judge gave Eardley until the end of the month to get his argument in order, but it doesn't look likely to go any further unless he reveals who hired him. At the moment, the frontrunner seems to be Britney's old manager Sam Lutfi, although it could really be anyone. 

Jamie Spears is thought to be against a move to a federal court, because it would mean temporarily giving up his conservatorship of Britney. And we're not so keen on the move, either, because it means there'll be even more Britney Spears news around than there already is. And who the hell wants that?

Read more:

Judge denies attempt to move Britney Spears case - Reuters 

But now it's time for the main event – at 10am today, Paul McCartney and Heather Mills started getting divorced.

The five-day High Court Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is taking place behind closed doors so details will be scant, but we do know that Heather Mills is legally representing herself, so there's a distinct chance that her entire case is going to revolve around shrieking the word 'paedophile' in a funny voice. Or red jelly penises.

Ever since they announced their separation, the world knew that the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce would be the most spectacular divorce between an old man who looks like someone's grandmother and a porn star amputee ever. And today we'll find out how true that is. 

The build up has certainly been fun. Although Paul McCartney hasn't really done much other than change a set of locks, Heather Mills has been on the warpath from the get-go. She claimed that McCartney stabbed her in the arm with a wine glass and claimed ownership on her boobs, she claimed that McCartney also used to beat up his first wife Linda and she claimed that she absolutely wasn't a gold-digger, even though she once calculated her basic living expenses at £10,000 a day.

With an overture like that, it's easy to see how the actual Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce will be a let-down – but Heather Mills has a secret weapon up her sleeve to make sure this doesn't happen. At the five-day closed-court hearing at the High Court, Heather Mills has decided to be her own lawyer. And, as lawyer James Stewart told The Times, that's just fucking mental:

In a bold – some say reckless – move, Ms Mills will be acting for herself at the High Court private hearing after falling out with her lawyers Mishcon de Reya, to whom she owes an estimated £2 million in legal fees… The judge, he added, was hugely experienced, but the decision would mean extra work for him and lawyers on the other side who will have to do much of her work for her. “To be frank, it is very brave to go into a five-day hearing without the benefit of legal representatives – these final financial hearings can be very complex, even for the lawyers, and involve experts such as accountants and others if there is any dispute over the value of assets.”

Needless to say, if Heather Mills arses up her arguments in the next few days, it could cost her tens of millions of pounds. And, more than that, it could also damage her reputa… oh, who are we kidding, that disappeared long ago.

However, you can't deny that Heather Mills' decision to face the might of a multimillionaire's legal machine in a divorce court is an incredibly plucky thing to do, and we hope that Heather Mills makes all the money she wants from it. Because, honestly, if the alternative is more naked photoshoots for German sex manuals to make ends meet, we'd let her have all our money too.

Read more:

Heather Mills set to question Sir Paul McCartney in court – Times 

Well, it looks like Cheryl's definition of 'temporary' might be 'until the end of time itself' because it's emerged that she's been having talks with a divorce lawyer, and stands to earn around £4 million if she does get divorced from Ashley Cole.

Four million quid. Factor in the thousands of 'Cheryl's heartbreak' magazine deals she'll sign and the new sad ghostwritten autobiography she'll write, and it's starting to look like letting her husband have all sorts of drunken vomit-sex with slappers was the best thing Cheryl Cole ever did.

It looks like Ashley Cole has dug quite a hole for himself. And considering that he dug the hole with his penis, and was so drunk when he was digging it that he kept throwing up over himself, you can't help but admire the guy's tenacity.

If you haven't been following the Cheryl Cole/ Ashley Cole drama – because, say, you've got a life of your own and you can't see the point in worrying about the lives of two people you don't even know, let alone like – then here's a quick recap.

Cheryl Cole is the mouthy one in a pop group who attacks nightclub toilet attendants. Ashley Cole is a footballer who isn't quite as good as he thinks he is. Cheryl and Ashley get married. Ashley Cole starts having unprotected sex with other girls and occasionally vomits on them. Cheryl Cole finds out and keeps quiet. The newspapers find out. Cheryl Cole sticks by Ashley. The newspapers print a load more stories about all the other slappers that Ashley's banged. Cheryl Cole leaves Ashley Cole, but only for a while because she loves him.

Better? OK – so where are we now? Well, Cheryl Cole reportedly hasn't eaten for a week – which is twice as much as she eats when she's on Girls Aloud duties, the fat mare – and newspapers are apparently lining up a billion other kiss and tell stories from women who've additionally got on the wrong side of Ashley Cole's penis.

Oh, and Cheryl Cole's called a divorce lawyer in. The Sun reports:

Cheryl has taken legal advice after the Chelsea star’s romps were revealed last week by The Sun. Girls Aloud singer Cheryl, 24, now accepts Cole, who is worth £10million, betrayed her – after at first defending him from the shock revelations. A well-placed source said: "She knows he has slept with other girls. That is no longer in question and she won’t be pretending he is innocent again. I can’t see her taking him back. He’s begging like a dog – and that is how she sees him. She has taken advice on divorce and it is now a very viable option. She’d be looking at about £4million."

Imagine that, a Cheryl Cole/ Ashley Cole divorce – it'd be just like the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce, only with a fraction of the money involved, infinitely less famous people and fewer amusing instances of women going onto breakfast TV to see how stupidly they can shriek the word 'paedophile.' Plus it shouldn't be all that contested because it looks like Ashley Cole's infidelities are irrefutable.

Still, we shouldn't make light of this news, because divorce is a stressful thing to go through no matter who you are, and Cheryl Cole will need to find all sorts of new ways to take her mind off it. One way she could do this is by throwing herself into work, although let's just pray for humanity's sake that that doesn't happen.

Read more:

Cheryl Consults Divorce Lawyer - The Sun 

Or he was. Or he is but won't be soon. Sorrell Trope has asked to quit the Britney Spears custody case citing a 'breakdown in communications' between the law firm and the singer. Although that's as far as the explanation goes, it's thought that the reason for Sorrell Trope's resignation is either a) that he's exasperated because Britney Spears keeps missing court-appointed deposition meetings, b) that he's as bored of this Britney Spears custody nonsense as the rest of us or c) that he's tired of having to constantly explain what a deposition actually is to Britney Spears. And what custody is. And what children are. And how pens work.

All Britney Spears has ever known in her life is success, whether it's success as a singer, success as an internet search term or success as owner of the world's most curiously nondescript female genitalia. And because of this success, nobody can tell Britney Spears what do. Nobody could tell her to rehearse for her MTV VMA performance, nobody could tell her not to drive through red lights with her kids in the car and a phone a millimetre away from her face and nobody can tell her to show up for very important custody depositions.

And that's probably why her lawyer wants to run away from Britney Spears as fast as his little legs can carry him.

Even though you got bored of the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody bitchfight several months ago, as Britney's lawyer poor old Sorrell Trope has had to think about it every single sodding day since September when Britney's last lawyer ran screaming into the night. But now enough's enough and, coming to the conclusion that Britney Spears can no longer even pay people to like her, he wants to leave as well.

In a motion released on the very same day that Britney Spears failed to show up yet again for her long-awaited deposition, Sorrell Trope said:

"There has been a breakdown in communications between Petitioner and
Trope & Trope making further representation of her interests
impossible."

But since Trope's decision has come right in the middle of a case, he has to ask the court to leave rather than just quitting outright – a process that could take up to a month. That'll be an interesting month to play out given that in the average month Kevin Federline calls anything up to 450 emergency hearings every time he sees a picture of Britney looking a bit crosseyed on TMZ. How will Trope be able to assist Britney Spears during these? We're guessing with a sequence of embittered snorts, although perhaps he'll go up to a full-blown "pah" if the situation becomes serious enough.

However, let's not get carried away and assume that Britney Spears is completely without lawyers, because she isn't. In fact, Britney is current paying for a perfectly good legal team. Admittedly it's Kevin Federline's legal team, but that still counts, doesn't it?

Read more:

Britney's Attorneys Bail After Depo No-Show – E! Online