Just imagine how BRILLIANT it must be to be held responsible for the break-up of a really famous celebrity couple. Just think about that. You. There in your soiled dungarees, aimlessly chewing your hand. You. Breaking up some really famous people and making them HATE each other.
God. That’d be amazing.
However, Sara Leal – the lass who is being blamed for Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s split when really, it is quite obviously Kutcher’s fault - isn’t too thrilled about the whole thing, offering mealy mouthed musings on the whole circus that followed her allowing the Two And A Half Men star to put his thingy in her doo-dah. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
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Ashton Kutcher is getting a (let us sing it together) D.I.V.O.R.C.E. handed to him by Demi Moore after she found out that he’d been thumbing his winky into a young woman on the famous couple’s wedding anniversary.
Not surprising really, right?
Well, Sara Leal – the girl who received Kutch’s thrutches – has been asked if she feels responsible for the breakdown of a relationship that enchanted literally tens of people across the world.
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Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and splitting up, just like loads of people’s relationships disintegrate through misdeed, tedium and contempt. It’s not earth-shattering news, but thankfully, because Kutcher is thicker than pig’s swill, there’s been amusing foot-notes.
See, Kutch thought it would be fun to have sex with Sara Leal on his wedding anniversary and tried to show Demi how much she meant to him by buying her an eco-friendly car that ran on guilt.
So where can Demi Moore go now for solace? Step forward Madonna who has an exemplary record when it comes to marriage and relationships. Ahem.
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If you were married to an incredibly wealthy woman, one who probably has a fair amount of expensive shit, what would you do to try and save your marriage to her after you’d been sticking your peen into a younger woman?
Would you make the kind of gesture that money can’t buy in an attempt to woo her again? Perhaps write her a hokey but well meaning song and perform it to her? Maybe you’d cook her that meal she loves in that place you first met? Maybe you’d dance around naked with 500 red roses protruding from your colon in a public place, shouting “I don’t care if I look crazy! I’m crazy about you!”
Well, if you’re Ashton Kutcher, you’ll just buy her an eco-friendly car. An eco-friendly car of love. Pillock.
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And so, just like we all expected, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s six-year marriage has ground to a wheezing halt after Kabbalah counselling surprised us all by being thoroughly useless in its attempts to save a relationship.
Of course, the statements from representatives and twitter missives went into overload last night from all concerned… and those not even remotely concerned.
And we’re going to pick through them. The best of the bunch involves the idea that this was swinging gone bad. We like that theory. That’s the idea we’re running with in our horrible, grotty little minds.
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Ashton Kutcher isn’t having a good time of it lately. Firstly, he’s in the woeful Two And A Half Men. Secondly, he’s allegedly had an affair with a young woman which has totally borked his marriage to Demi Moore. Thirdly, he’s really, really thick.
He’s so dimwitted that he’s had his twitter account taken off him by his management.
Why? Well, clever ol’ Kutcher defended sacked American football coach Joe Paterno who helped cover up the rape of children at Penn State.
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You know how Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are totally getting a divorce? They are. Not that we’ve actually spoken to either of them because, regrettably, they’ve stopped taking our calls. But they are. They definitely, definitely are. Allegedly. (Definitely).
Why? Well, any marriage that tries to fix itself with Kabbalah deserves to fail. In fact, any marriage based on any kind of religious thinking deserves everything it gets (mostly, long loveless years bound by children, trapped into a corner by some false god – great!).
Another crucial factor is that Sara Leal (not a celebrity) is saying she had sex with Ashton on the eve of his wedding anniversary. Better still, she’s decided to tell us all about the lack of condom in the rutting. We definitely, definitely needed to know that. They must love each other or something.
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As our picture, right, shows, Demi Moore’s breasts loomed large in the marriage between the actress and Ashton Kutcher (currently of no-fixed talent). They were there. Hovering. Rock hard.
Of course, this is based on having been unfortunate enough to have seen them in Striptease (so bad it’s not even camp). Those surgeon’s butcheries have scarred our retinas, but at least we didn’t have to live with them, like Kutcher did.
And what with Kutcher being roughly as smart as a bong water, he figured that – if you believe the rumours and reports – instead of recognising a problem and dealing with it in a manner which suits everyone concerned, he’d much rather thumb his flaccid member into a 23 year old on the eve of his wedding anniversary. Surprisingly, divorce is in the air.
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