How are your ears? Like having them? They’re great for holding your glasses up aren’t they? Pierced them? How nice. Alas, there’s one drawback with ears – you can hear stuff. Yep, all manner of useless dreck can creep in their and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Unless you stuff the canal with liquid concrete and then lop them off with cigar clippers.

And you may want to do exactly that because the most appalling news has come our way – Paris Hilton is making a pop comeback and she’s teaming up with zany-irony gobblers and ear-wormers, LMFAO. If you don’t know what that means, let us draw out the horror.

You may not know this, but Paris Hilton actually had a record out a while ago. She released an album in 2006 and, of course, it was lousier than a thousand Ed Sheerans.

And so, in a bid to buy herself a number one, she’s decided that she will hire the second most irritating music producers on the planet (the first being 3OH!3 who look exactly like the kind of lads who would wag their tongues and shout ‘BREWSKI!’ while spitroasting a drunk girl on some grotty amateur video).

She told MTV News:

“We’re going to be doing my new single with LMFAO… I’ve known them since I was a little girl. We grew up together ’cause our parents are friends, so I’m just so proud of them and all their success and what they’ve done ’cause they’ve just created this whole Party Rock brand and it’s just so awesome.”

You want to hear some of that ‘Party Rock brand’ don’t you?

And so, listening to that, you’re probably thinking that it’s pretty derivative, blurt-pop as influenced by Timbaland at his worst, as much as it’s influenced by terrible squelch-house, right?

Well, if you can put a name on it, you’ll be helping out Paris who insists her new album will be very different from her debut:

“I’m going with a whole new genre.”

So basically, it better sound a million miles away from this or we’ll think you’re full of it. Which you are. However, this threat comes with a ‘…and if we aren’t satisfied with the results, we’ll come and skin your chihuahuas’. Okay? No pressure.

Take That’s Prodigal Son and Stoke’s most irritating son Robbie Williams has been waking up in the night covered in a liquid that isn’t his own urine according to The Daily Star. In an interview with Britain’s least believable paper, Williams prophesied that he might be a target for terrorists because he’s so completely important.

The egotist, who recently returned to the warming, Northern embrace of his former Take That, has been  having trouble sleeping recently and instead of taking a Night Nurse and keeping his massive flapping trap shut, he decided to give an “exclusive” to a woeful Red Top.

Luckily, he’s been having dreams that even Joseph & His Technicolour Fraud Coat wouldn’t have any trouble analysing.

Poor ol’ Robbie says that he can’t remember the last time he had bad dreams. We’re not experts on the Rapid Eye Movement of celebrities but we’d hazard that his last bout of nightmares was what prompted him to believe he was Sammy Davis Jr. & release ‘Swing When You’re Winning’. Still, the snivelling little rodent believes he’s part of a different Rat Pack now, one being funnelled into a killing field by a “certain paramilitary group”.

He told some lobotomised hack;

“I had a dream the other night that a sectarian group was trying to kill me. I have not had a nightmare like that for a long time, forever really, but a certain paramilitary group came to kill me.”

A certain paramilitary group. Could have been any of them so hecklerspray used our underground network of contacts to find out if any terrorist organisations were employing dream assassins. Yes, dream assassins. Haven’t you seen Inception? Of the sixteen worldwide paramilitary groups we contacted, fifteen asked us who Robbie Williams was while a representative of “The Real IRA” said;

“Fuck off, we have better things to do.”

Ayda Field’s husband (that’s Robbie, apparently) needed the reassuring sight of a relative to remind him that he was very much alive and still an incredibly rich man;

“I suddenly woke up and saw my brother-in-law Rich from Stoke-on-Trent at the bottom of my stairs at my home in LA and knew everything was all right.”

The paramilitary group responsible for this attack will have to step up its efforts if it wants to avoid another ‘Rudebox’ incident. Hang on a second, do the NME have a paramilitary wing? We’ll get them on the phone and get back to you*.

Williams has admitted to spells of paranoia in the past and spent a summer holed up in his Los Angeles mansion, before emerging disguised in a gorilla suit and wearing a pair of sunglasses. Suggestions that this may have been due to an over-indulgence in a certain white powder were refuted, despite obviously being true**.

*NME’s lawyers would like us to point out that they are not in the habit of forming paramilitary wings in order to assassinate celebrities who are stealing column inches from The Kaiser Chiefs. Protesting too much?

**Legal Note: Robbie Williams has never even seen cocaine, let alone snorted loads of it to make himself feel like Dean Martin.

Just imagine how BRILLIANT it must be to be held responsible for the break-up of a really famous celebrity couple. Just think about that. You. There in your soiled dungarees, aimlessly chewing your hand. You. Breaking up some really famous people and making them HATE each other.

God. That’d be amazing.

However, Sara Leal – the lass who is being blamed for Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s split when really, it is quite obviously Kutcher’s fault -  isn’t too thrilled about the whole thing, offering mealy mouthed musings on the whole circus that followed her allowing the Two And A Half Men star to put his thingy in her doo-dah. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Leal says that she had “no idea” what would happen after she ALLEGEDLY (yes, we still have to say that, regrettably) sexed with Ashton and claims her life has fallen apart in the aftermath.

She told Fox News:

“It was insane. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It might have seemed like I was asking for it, but I wasn’t. My dad wouldn’t even talk to me, and I got a lot of disturbing phone calls, even from my friends’ parents.”

“I got fired from my job. I am no longer friends with my best friend who was my roommate because it caused so many problems and I had to move out.”

“I wasn’t working for two months, and I only just started working three weeks ago.”

Waa! Boohoo! If that were us, we’d be touting ourselves around to the highest bidder and generally lording it up like nobodies business! Apparently, she wouldn’t have had sex with him if she’d known the truth:

“I don’t watch television and I read very few magazines. It never crossed my mind that he was married. But then he said he was separated, which still doesn’t make things okay, but I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“He was a good looking guy and it was stupid. When people say to me ‘I can’t believe you did that’, I want to say back that most 22-year-old girls in my position would have done the same thing.”

Or, more appropriately and justly, if she DID know who he was and fancied having sex with someone famous, and to hell with his dumb marriage, she was quite right to go ahead and rag his peabrains out. She doesn’t owe Demi Moore a damn thing.

Ashton Kutcher, crucially, did.

So, Sara Leal, can we have a bit more sass and bile please? Sod Christian America. They probably hate you anyway.

Ashton Kutcher is getting a (let us sing it together) D.I.V.O.R.C.E. handed to him by Demi Moore after she found out that he’d been thumbing his winky into a young woman on the famous couple’s wedding anniversary.

Not surprising really, right?

Well, Sara Leal – the girl who received Kutch’s thrutches – has been asked if she feels responsible for the breakdown of a relationship that enchanted literally tens of people across the world.

Leal, collared by TMZ in an airport or something, got asked questions about the event and the notion that it was ALL HER FAULT was thrown at her.

Naturally, she said that she wasn’t, pointing out that she felt nothing more than a…

“bump in the road.”

That vaguely sounds like a sexual act, which is enough to prompt the faintest of humour in our hollow minds.

Anyway, you don’t have to read our stupid words. You can watch this video. Feel free to think ‘Oh, she looks more attractive in a moving image than she did in that Facebook photograph everyone passed around online when the story broke.’

Or not.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and splitting up, just like loads of people’s relationships disintegrate through misdeed, tedium and contempt. It’s not earth-shattering news, but thankfully, because Kutcher is thicker than pig’s swill, there’s been amusing foot-notes.

See, Kutch thought it would be fun to have sex with Sara Leal on his wedding anniversary and tried to show Demi how much she meant to him by buying her an eco-friendly car that ran on guilt.

So where can Demi Moore go now for solace? Step forward Madonna who has an exemplary record when it comes to marriage and relationships. Ahem.

Before we get going, let us look at some of Madonna’s relationship highlights over the years. She’s either married or humped: Sean Penn, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Guy Ritchie, Warren Beatty, Lenny Kravitz, Vanilla Ice, Dennis Rodman, Carlos Leon (who she had a kid with) and even David Blaine.

Warren Beatty aside, all these blokes have been younger than Madge, which is why she’s apparently offering her services to Demi. She knows what they can be like, aight?

Of course, there’s a slight skew here because, thanks to Madonna being one of the oldest humans on Earth, she has to go for people younger than her because they’re the only ones who can actually maintain an erection around her and, indeed, get up steps unaided.

So, thanks to Madge’s vast experience of younger men, she’s offering Demi ‘spiritual guidance’ on the matter. This probably means little more than tying some red string around your wrist and bleating on to a false god.

Metro quotes “a friend” saying:

“She is calling Demi almost every day and sends her messages telling her to be proud of her strength and to know that she fought to make her marriage work.”

“Madonna has had many younger boyfriends so she understands their mindset. She has told Demi that Ashton’s immaturity is evident and that she deserves someone who will fulfil her intellectually and emotionally.”

Fulfilling Demi Moore intellectually. That’s great news! That means all the house flies and plants are in with a shout of getting with Demi too!

Wonderful.

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If you were married to an incredibly wealthy woman, one who probably has a fair amount of expensive shit, what would you do to try and save your marriage to her after you’d been sticking your peen into a younger woman?

Would you make the kind of gesture that money can’t buy in an attempt to woo her again? Perhaps write her a hokey but well meaning song and perform it to her? Maybe you’d cook her that meal she loves in that place you first met? Maybe you’d dance around naked with 500 red roses protruding from your colon in a public place, shouting “I don’t care if I look crazy! I’m crazy about you!”

Well, if you’re Ashton Kutcher, you’ll just buy her an eco-friendly car. An eco-friendly car of love. Pillock.

The Two and a Half Men git spent over US$100,000 on a 2012 Lexus LS 600h hybrid-engine vehicle for Demi, who could probably buy ten of her own and still they’re a massive waste of her time.

Weirdly, buying someone an eco-friendly car implies that the receiver should feel a little guilty for not being green enough, which is a bit rich when you’re displaying no discernible guilt over the allegations that you got your end away with someone called Sara Leal on the sixth anniversary of your wedding.

Amusingly, because Ashton Kutcher is so ludicrously hopeless, Demi Moore has reportedly instructed her lawyers to “punish” him in their divorce.

A source close to Demi said:

“She is furious, raging in fact — you only have to look at every photo you see of her to see the toll Ashton’s cheating has taken on her.

“She wants to punish him financially because of the way he has broken her heart. She is going to give him a bitter fight and, whether or not she wins, it will be an expensive lesson for him.”

Maybe he’ll try to pay her in recycling bins?

And so, just like we all expected, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s six-year marriage has ground to a wheezing halt after Kabbalah counselling surprised us all by being thoroughly useless in its attempts to save a relationship.

Of course, the statements from representatives and twitter missives went into overload last night from all concerned… and those not even remotely concerned.

And we’re going to pick through them. The best of the bunch involves the idea that this was swinging gone bad. We like that theory. That’s the idea we’re running with in our horrible, grotty little minds.

What caused the split then? Well, the big rumour hand pointed its finger at the story which concerned Ashton Kutcher sticking his penis into someone that wasn’t Demi Moore on the eve of their wedding anniversary.

And now, Demi has announced that she is absolutely going to divorce Kutcher. Sadly, she hasn’t said that this is a revenge attack for Ashton’s bringing back of the dismal Two And A Half Men.

Ashton took to Twitter to share his thought over things:

“I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi. Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK”

That’s the same twitter account that Ashton accidentally defended a child rapist last week. Ho-hum. Demi, meanwhile, issued a statement:

“It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.”

She then asked for us all to respect her privacy over the matter, something we haven’t been afforded, so sod that. We’re raking over every single bone of this.

So Person A cheats on Person B, and Person B dumps Person A. So far, so dull. However, there’s a bit of titillation to be had before we’re out. Chelsea Handler has a theory about the break-up.

She suggests that Ashton and Demi had one of those “open marriage-type situations”.

“I think it’s pretty obvious that they probably had a lot of open marriage-type situations.”

“I think they probably had a lot of good times with some other women… I mean, read between the line. They probably had a lot of threesomes that led to twosomes without Demi and that leads to a divorce.”

Meanwhile, Kutch’s first rumoured play-away, Brittney Jones as now arched her eyebrows higher than they’ve ever gone and saying ‘SEE? I BLOODY TOLD YOU.’ See, her credibility was called into question after a sex-tape appeared starring her (not featuring Ashton Kutcher).

She told TMZ:

“Although divorce is often sad I do feel somewhat vindicated. For so long people have thought that I was dishonest or just making up my passionate nights with Ashton, when in fact I was being used. Ashton told me that both he and Demi had an ‘open relationship’ and that he was not in fact cheating. Now I can tell all the facts about how Ashton really was, and hopefully people will believe my side of the story.”

SAUCY! Sorry. DEPRESSING! Wait. FUNNY! Nope. We’ve no idea how we’re supposed to feel. Can we get on with our day now please?

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It’s always nice when a grotesquely wealthy person goes to visit poor people. It gives them an ideal opportunity to perfect their worried, moved facial expressions. We’ve seen it with Angelina Jolie as she globetrots to the scrubbers.

And now, Paris Hilton is taking time out of her busy holidaying schedule to go and cry at some orphans in Bali.

That’s nice of her isn’t it? She was probably wearing make-up which cost more than all the orphans had ever possessed in their short, miserable lives. Still, CHARITY!

The heiress and celebutante took time off  from people trying to arrest her for mistaking wraps of cocaine for chewing gum to stand motionlessly, holding back obviously real tears, in two of Indonesias orphanages.

Of course, being the expert grief-tourist, Paris posted a photo of herself with the kids on her twitter page and revealed the visit had been a wonderful experience.

Get that? Wonderful. It was wonderful watching children grinning briefly thanks to their wonder at seeing a orange skinned, peroxide blonde tottering around their normally grim home. They were afforded the opportunity to forget about how they ended up in such a desperate situation, unaware that Paris only usually roughs it with poor people when mocking them in her Simple Life show.

Hilton wrote:

“Had a great day spending time with the orphans from 2 of the orphanages in #Bali. Such sweet, beautiful children. Loved seeing them smile … The orphans in #Bali are so adorable. Loved being with them today … A pic from today w/ the orphans in #Bali. They are such sweet children. Love them!”

She then posted a link to non-profit organisation Yayasan Kasih Peduli Anak, which we’ve also done, so stop whining about our mocking of Hilton and her obvious attempts at alleviating her own guilt of having such an unfairly large amount of money to fritter away on clothes for her many tiny, coal-eyed dogs.

She tweeted, on a phone or tablet which will have cost her more than the orphans can even imagine:

“The orphans of #Bali need your help. Make a difference. Change a child’s life. Please donate”

Still, at least Paris Hilton felt good about her utterly vapid life. She signed-off with a flourish, saying:

“Bali completely changed my outlook on life. Feel so #blessed. See the world differently.”

Now, she’s only going to buy organic Class A drugs.

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Ashton Kutcher isn’t having a good time of it lately. Firstly, he’s in the woeful Two And A Half Men. Secondly, he’s allegedly had an affair with a young woman which has totally borked his marriage to Demi Moore. Thirdly, he’s really, really thick.

He’s so dimwitted that he’s had his twitter account taken off him by his management.

Why? Well, clever ol’ Kutcher defended sacked American football coach Joe Paterno who helped cover up the rape of children at Penn State.

If you don’t know what’s going on with Paterno, let us quickly fill you in. He’s a very famous and revered coach of a college football team and he failed to tell police that his assistant was (allegedly) sexually assaulting a boy in 2002.

Kutcher promptly took to his twitter account to defend Paterno, and then, when everyone told him what had happened, he realised what a terrible boob he’d made.

Initially, he tweeted:

“How do you fire Jo Pa? As a Hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste”.

He then back-pedalled like crazy when everyone told him about Paterno’s former assistant Jerry Sandusky, who had been arrested and charged with 40 counts of sexual abuse of young boys over a 15-year period.

Obviously, he was rather embarrassed. Kutcher said:

“As an advocate in the fight against child sexual exploitation, I could not be more remorseful for all involved in the Penn St. case.

“As of immediately I will stop tweeting until I find a way to properly manage this feed. I feel awful about this error. Won’t happen again.

Kutcher’s management team said they would take control of his Twitter account “as a secondary editorial measure to ensure the quality of its content”.

What a stupid idiot.

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Matthew Fox has launched a countersuit against a bus driving woman who allegedly assaulted him during an incident in August.

Do you remember the story which said Matthew Fox had been punching a woman on the boob and minge? Do you? We told you about it. It’s not our fault you’ve got a memory like a fish with Alzheimer’s.

It all surrounded an incident which saw Fox trying to get on something called a ‘party bus’. That sounds hideous doesn’t it? Listless women in hot-pants dancing in drizzle while leg meltingly high volumed music blares out at people trying to ignore the hideousness of it all. Anyway, he’s not having a woman saying that he punched her on her doo-dah.

Apparently, the Lost hunk attempted to board a party bus in Ohio in the early hours of 28th August when he was confronted by driver Heather Bormann because his name was not on the private guestlist.

DID SHE NOT KNOW WHO HE WAS? IT’S THAT GUY. THAT GUY FROM LOST. Yeah, we wouldn’t have let him on either, just because we’re peevish.

Anyway, reports said that a scuffle ensued, during which Fox was accused of hitting Bormann on two different rude parts. This prompted Bormann to thwack him in the face. Fox was detained by police but not formally arrested.

Then, Long Distance Clara filed three charges against the actor, including one count of battery, but Fox was never handed criminal charges.

Okay?

Well, now Fox has launched a lawsuit against Bormann for provoking Fox during the altercation and subsequently causing him “public hatred, contempt, ridicule and shame” due to the media fallout.

In fairness, there was a lot of ridicule knocking about, just because Fox wanted to go anywhere near a party bus at all.

Anyway, he’s now seeking unspecified damages because of negative publicity generated, which allegedly cost Fox a number of job opportunities.

Yeah right.

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For some reason, we’ve credited you slobs with some intelligence. Christ knows why. We’ve read the comments you leave. Either way, some of you ain’t so bad. Some of you have probably only seen Jersey Shore out of morbid curiosity.

If you watched it, you probably thought ‘By Jove! This is faker than Kim Kardashian’s wedding!‘

If you’ve been watching the antics of Snooki & Co, thinking that it’s BLATES REAL (or whatever you wobbling colostomy bags say these days), then we’ve got news for you. And someone with more spare time has made a video which proves it. OKAY?

The scene in question concerns Snooki and Deena having a fight in a bar.

Remember that?

No, not THIS fight involving Snooki…

It’s a different one. That said, the above video looks grimly real. No, this one involved a hissy fit in a bar and it looked for all the world that a bartender lobbed ice at Snooki and Deena which saw them trashing the place.

Have a look.

It’s clearly all bollocks.

Legally, we should say that MTV’s response was “It’s all real, and we couldn’t make this all up.”

You don’t care do you?

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So. The big news about Justin Bieber is this: He’s putting a Christmas album out that is so bad that the holiday season is going to be cancelled (the terrorists have finally won). He’s also adopted a dog. He’s also sired a child with a woman who kinda raped him, legally speaking.

Okay? We’re up to speed? Good. Now, here’s the ‘facts’.

Justin Bieber was keen to talk about the big story swirling around him on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show. He’s basically saying ‘NO WAY! NOT A CHANCE! YOU THINK I’M READY FOR THAT KIND OF COMMITMENT? I HAVE NOT ADOPTED A DOG!‘ Right. The baby, baby, baby oooooh Justin. That’s what everyone’s talking about y’little puke!

Finally, Bieber has spoken about the allegations that he has illegitimately fathered a child with a 20-year-old fan. When he was 16. That’s the whole statutory rape thing we mentioned.

So what does El Biebo have to say? Of course, he went on twitter to clear things up once and for all!

“I’m going to ignore the rumours and focus on what is real. Judge me on the music!”

Judging him on the music is the only more damning thing he could’ve chosen outside of his unsavoury beliefs on abortion.

Meanwhile, being a little more assertive, Bieber’s publicist has called the allegation

“malicious”

That’s not stopped Belieber Mariah Yeater heading to the courtroom though. She definitely believes herself when she said:

“He suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. He told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.”

“After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone – a bathroom.

He promptly went and ‘fucked the shit’ out of her without a condom because he wanted to ‘feel everything’. That’s according to Yeater’s suit. And lo, on 6th July 2011, she gave birth to a baby boy, which she says was

“exactly 36 weeks and two days after the sexual encounter.”

She’s now requesting that Bieber does a paternity test and thinks about paying child support. Yeater’s lawyers say that their client…

“…is pursuing a modest and rightful claim. There is credible evidence that Justin Bieber is in fact the father of her baby.”

Bieber is not denying the claim that Little Bieber went into Yeater’s ‘back stage area’ unprotected. Did you notice that? This goes against his whole ‘mom, I promise I’ll stay pure’ schtick that he’s been wheeling around, eh?

Only last February he said:

“I don’t think you should have sex with anyone unless you love them.”

So. Hands up if you can tell the difference between what you believed happened, and what you want to believe?

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You know how Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are totally getting a divorce? They are. Not that we’ve actually spoken to either of them because, regrettably, they’ve stopped taking our calls. But they are. They definitely, definitely are. Allegedly. (Definitely).

Why? Well, any marriage that tries to fix itself with Kabbalah deserves to fail. In fact, any marriage based on any kind of religious thinking deserves everything it gets (mostly, long loveless years bound by children, trapped into a corner by some false god – great!).

Another crucial factor is that Sara Leal (not a celebrity) is saying she had sex with Ashton on the eve of his wedding anniversary. Better still, she’s decided to tell us all about the lack of condom in the rutting. We definitely, definitely needed to know that. They must love each other or something.

That’s right folks! It was the morning of Ashton Kutcher’s sixth wedding anniversary and he went and threw his unguarded member into Sara Leal like there was no tomorrow! Like there was no impending celebration of his betrothal to Bruce Willis’ ex-wife!

HUZZAH!

Speaking to Us Weekly (so go sue those guys if this turns out to be a series of outrageous lies), Sara Leal says:

“He just came up and kissed me.”

Rumour has it that he didn’t even wear a condom when he first kissed her! THE SEX LUNATIC!

Leal then talks about going to Kutcher’s Hard Rock Hotel suite, ending up naked in a hot tub with Kutcher and another woman.

Look at that world. Ashton stinkin’ Kutcher. In a hot tub. With two naked women. Where’s the justice in that? He’s got a face like a ventriloquist’s dummy being sucked toward a black hole.

Anyway, Leal then says that around 6am, she ended up in Kutch’s room where “he lost his towel and I took my robe off,” Leal says. “Then we had sex.”

BUT WE WANT TO KNOW IF HE’S SOME KIND OF SEX LUNACTIC!

“He was good. It wasn’t weird or perverted.”

Boo. But he didn’t wear a condom. Right? Good. The best bit about this whole thing is Ashton’s lines that he used. Seriously. They’re priceless.

“He was like, ‘I enjoy things like this because I’m an actor 90 percent of the time and it’s fake. It’s nice to have moments that are real.’”

Haw haw!

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As our picture, right, shows, Demi Moore’s breasts loomed large in the marriage between the actress and Ashton Kutcher (currently of no-fixed talent). They were there. Hovering. Rock hard.

Of course, this is based on having been unfortunate enough to have seen them in Striptease (so bad it’s not even camp). Those surgeon’s butcheries have scarred our retinas, but at least we didn’t have to live with them, like Kutcher did.

And what with Kutcher being roughly as smart as a bong water, he figured that – if you believe the rumours and reports – instead of recognising a problem and dealing with it in a manner which suits everyone concerned, he’d much rather thumb his flaccid member into a 23 year old on the eve of his wedding anniversary. Surprisingly, divorce is in the air.

According to numerous reports, Demi has got in contact with a divorce lawyer, which means that – presumably – Ashton Kutcher did stick his long, nobbly thing into someone that wasn’t her.

Right?

Presumably, she’s also weighing up divorcing her gravity-defying bangers and looking at photographs of Kutcher’s affairee Sara Leal, to see what hers are like.

Last night an entertainment industry insider said:

“Miss Moore has been totally humiliated. On Friday, therefore, she consulted a lawyer about getting a divorce.”

‘The discussion included her living arrangements and how a divorce would impact her assets. She is worth about £97?million and Kutcher is also worth close to that.”

Assets? Is that boob code?

The source continued:

“She desperately wanted to save their marriage, but the Sara Leal story was a hard one for Kutcher to deny because it was backed up by the seedy photos of him partying.”

Of course, the real reason that this divorce is due, is thanks to the fact that Demi and Ashton went for Kabbalah counselling sessions which is obviously about as much use as a fireguard made of internet.

Idiots.

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Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have been oddly silent while everyone looks on, suspecting that the Two And A Half Men’er stuck his wotsit into a young lady when he should’ve been buying Milk Tray on their wedding anniversary.

For a normally talkative twosome, this silence has only added fuel to the fire that says  they’ve decided to call it a day, leaving Demi to quote Greek philosophers and Kutcher to work out the impossible logistics of Moore’s boobs.

BUT JUST YOU HANG ON A MINUTE! There’s more to this story! It appears religion is getting involved too! How incredibly convenient!

Despite the fact a photograph has appeared online, showing Kutcher riding in a car with someone who looks very much like Sara Leal, who has been saying that she bafflingly and willingly took the erect member of Ashton Kutcher, this F-List duo are still not prepared to talk.

Instead, they’re sending all their meandering, simpleton daydreams to some false God.

Last year, when there were some rumours that this pointless pair were on the rocks, they made a pilgrimage to Israel. This year, with the same thing happening again, the couple have been spotted attending a spiritual session at the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles.

At this Kabbalah session (which we don’t have the first clue about. We’re assuming that it involves sitting silently in a room and trying not to fart), both Kutcher and Moore were seen dressed in “appropriate attire” (or, suits of armour made from duck legs) and very much wearing their wedding rings (carved out of mallard eye-sockets).

What they’re not doing is posting the usual saccharine dross to each other, which normally pollutes their twitter feeds.

Basically, they’re either playing dumb and revelling in the attention in one ghastly PR stunt for Two And A Half Men or, indeed, Kutcher has been caught with his pants down.

Whatever the outcome, there’s no hiding from the fact that both of these humans are entirely useless creatures taking up valuable space on our meagre planet.

At least they’ve got a fictional god though, eh?

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