How are your ears? Like having them? They’re great for holding your glasses up aren’t they? Pierced them? How nice. Alas, there’s one drawback with ears – you can hear stuff. Yep, all manner of useless dreck can creep in their and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Unless you stuff the canal with liquid concrete and then lop them off with cigar clippers.
And you may want to do exactly that because the most appalling news has come our way – Paris Hilton is making a pop comeback and she’s teaming up with zany-irony gobblers and ear-wormers, LMFAO. If you don’t know what that means, let us draw out the horror.
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Take That’s Prodigal Son and Stoke’s most irritating son Robbie Williams has been waking up in the night covered in a liquid that isn’t his own urine according to The Daily Star. In an interview with Britain’s least believable paper, Williams prophesied that he might be a target for terrorists because he’s so completely important.
The egotist, who recently returned to the warming, Northern embrace of his former Take That, has been having trouble sleeping recently and instead of taking a Night Nurse and keeping his massive flapping trap shut, he decided to give an “exclusive” to a woeful Red Top.
Luckily, he’s been having dreams that even Joseph & His Technicolour Fraud Coat wouldn’t have any trouble analysing.
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Just imagine how BRILLIANT it must be to be held responsible for the break-up of a really famous celebrity couple. Just think about that. You. There in your soiled dungarees, aimlessly chewing your hand. You. Breaking up some really famous people and making them HATE each other.
God. That’d be amazing.
However, Sara Leal – the lass who is being blamed for Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s split when really, it is quite obviously Kutcher’s fault - isn’t too thrilled about the whole thing, offering mealy mouthed musings on the whole circus that followed her allowing the Two And A Half Men star to put his thingy in her doo-dah. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
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Ashton Kutcher is getting a (let us sing it together) D.I.V.O.R.C.E. handed to him by Demi Moore after she found out that he’d been thumbing his winky into a young woman on the famous couple’s wedding anniversary.
Not surprising really, right?
Well, Sara Leal – the girl who received Kutch’s thrutches – has been asked if she feels responsible for the breakdown of a relationship that enchanted literally tens of people across the world.
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Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and splitting up, just like loads of people’s relationships disintegrate through misdeed, tedium and contempt. It’s not earth-shattering news, but thankfully, because Kutcher is thicker than pig’s swill, there’s been amusing foot-notes.
See, Kutch thought it would be fun to have sex with Sara Leal on his wedding anniversary and tried to show Demi how much she meant to him by buying her an eco-friendly car that ran on guilt.
So where can Demi Moore go now for solace? Step forward Madonna who has an exemplary record when it comes to marriage and relationships. Ahem.
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If you were married to an incredibly wealthy woman, one who probably has a fair amount of expensive shit, what would you do to try and save your marriage to her after you’d been sticking your peen into a younger woman?
Would you make the kind of gesture that money can’t buy in an attempt to woo her again? Perhaps write her a hokey but well meaning song and perform it to her? Maybe you’d cook her that meal she loves in that place you first met? Maybe you’d dance around naked with 500 red roses protruding from your colon in a public place, shouting “I don’t care if I look crazy! I’m crazy about you!”
Well, if you’re Ashton Kutcher, you’ll just buy her an eco-friendly car. An eco-friendly car of love. Pillock.
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And so, just like we all expected, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s six-year marriage has ground to a wheezing halt after Kabbalah counselling surprised us all by being thoroughly useless in its attempts to save a relationship.
Of course, the statements from representatives and twitter missives went into overload last night from all concerned… and those not even remotely concerned.
And we’re going to pick through them. The best of the bunch involves the idea that this was swinging gone bad. We like that theory. That’s the idea we’re running with in our horrible, grotty little minds.
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It’s always nice when a grotesquely wealthy person goes to visit poor people. It gives them an ideal opportunity to perfect their worried, moved facial expressions. We’ve seen it with Angelina Jolie as she globetrots to the scrubbers.
And now, Paris Hilton is taking time out of her busy holidaying schedule to go and cry at some orphans in Bali.
That’s nice of her isn’t it? She was probably wearing make-up which cost more than all the orphans had ever possessed in their short, miserable lives. Still, CHARITY!
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