To be a successful female in modern America, you have to release records that are edgy, oozing with sex and somehow able to offend various subsections of society or else you’re just old fashioned.
Rihanna constantly tells us how she likes to engage in adult activities, Lady Gaga likes to dress up as meat and Beyonce likes to fake pregnancies (if the mentalist rumours are true). So where does Nicki Minaj fit in?
Some say she bypasses all of the above shock factors and does an alright job of reinventing female rap. Previously, Nicki Minaj upset America when her right boob popped out to say hello. Now conservative types will probably get into a fluster as she prepares to release new songs as a gender bender.
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Drake is one of the world’s most hyped rappers on the planet despite releasing lame song after lame song. And his latest album, Take Care, has been delayed, presumably because it’s so poor that it’s hiding under the stairs, surrounded by people trying to cajole it outside.
As a teaser for just how lame it is, a new song called Make Me Proud featuring Nicki Minaj, has been leaked.
Yes, you can hear it over the jump and yes, Drizzy (when will this ‘izzy/’eezy thing end?) showcases rap in the style of The Little Book Of Calm. Again.
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You. You’ve thought about dying. Of course you have. You’re a pathetic excuse for a human. Look at you. You’re an embarrassment compared to your friends with their careers, savings, mortgages and stupid pets.
Of course, they’re worthless and resentful as well. They know people doing even better than they are. And this continues all the way to the toppermost of the poppermost, where they tell us, it’s lonely at the top.
And so, the entire human race wants to die. And Nicki Minaj is expecting us to give two hoots about the fact that she wanted to die before she was famous because she’s foolish enough to think that fame will solve her demons. HAHAHA!
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How did people entertain themselves in the days before electricity was invented? Imagine life a trillion billion years ago when there was nothing on the planet apart from your fellow human and stupid animals. People actually had to use their brains to amuse themselves, urgh.
Caveman drawings have given a small glimpse into what our ancestors got up to, but there’s one activity that is as popular as it ever was, and it involves the humble nipple.
From self exploration of your own, to nipple twisting someone else’s to cause them pain, its fun for everyone involved. You’d assume that everybody would embrace their bodies and not become overly offended by something they already have. Think again morons, because over in America, the sight of a nipple causes a blazing uproar and during a recent performance for Good Morning America, Nicki Minaj offended everyone. And probably Jebus.
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Despite the music industry being in some kind of financial crisis, it doesn’t stop certain artists from flaunting their gargantuan wealth and having wardrobes that are more expensive than absolutely everything in Ireland and Greece combined.
And so, when we need to make an example of them, we try and throw the book at them right? Try and teach them a lesson for having the audacity to be massively successful.
With that, cartoon rap sensation Nicki Minaj has been fined for swearing her way through a performance at a Jamaican music festival. In Jamaica, they don’t like the swearing, but overtly homophobic dancehall records are just fine. So how much did the obscenely wealthy Minaj get slapped with?
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Ryan Giggs may have won just about everything a footballer can win at club level, but really, what he most excels in is How To Balls Up A Brilliant Career By Completely Mismanaging A Scandal Surrounding Your Sex Life Forever And Ever.
So badly has Giggs played the whole injunction/Imogen Thomas thing, is that he’s now the new Barbra Streisand Effect, with everyone tittering at him for being such a colossal berk.
And weirdly, while no-one is actually supposed to be talking about him, thanks to the injunction still being in place, Imogen Thomas is apparently set to star in a musical about her affair with him, which surely contravenes all manner of laws. Still, at least Giggs isn’t trying to buy people’s silence again… wait? WHAT? AGAIN?
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If the rumours about Ryan Giggs are true, then he’s a class act. For years, he appeared to be the model professional footballer, quietly going about his business and winning more trophies than is decent.
However, everyone (apart from sallow Man United fans) has forgotten all about that as his erect member appears to be the one firmly in the spotlight now. In fairness, it is shocking that a wealthy person misbehaves in their private life.
Hilariously though, the newest rumour (the previous one still has an injunction on it so we’ve no idea whether we can mention his reported sexual relations with Imogen Thomas or not… oh…) is better than the last as his sister in law is claiming that he’s been having it away with her, as well as a third woman. Morals aside, he’s not doing too badly for a man who looks like a hairy testicle merged with a wingnut in some horrible genetic splicing accident is he?
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We don’t know where we’re at with this stupid, pointless superinjunction story. Can we say THE PLAYER’s name now? Everyone else has been screaming it from the rooftops, yet some are still saying that the superinjunction is still in place and that we’ll be in trouble if we say it.
As we don’t really know what we’re allowed to say, we’ll just run two completely unrelated stories together in this one article, okay?
One involves the poor, desperate plight of former Big Brotherer and sex-tapist, Imogen Thomas. The other story involves Stacey Giggs, who is refusing to let her marriage be destroyed by outside forces. Okay? Good.
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