The first rule of writing is ‘write what you know’, but try telling that to Lauren Conrad from The Hills.

How could Lauren Conrad write what she knows? She doesn’t know anything. Tell Lauren Conrad to write what she knows and she’ll end up handing you a Post-It note with ‘My doggy looks cute in a hat’ written in Crayola on one side and a drawing of what appears to be a thalidomide monkey with a plantpot on its head on the other.

Oh, we’re just jealous. Lauren Conrad has written a book, and now she’s going to turn it into a film. Possibly.

Lauren Conrad is probably most famous for being the least-awful star of The Hills, although that’s not really saying much – if MTV signed the Unabomber up for a multi-episode arc on The Hills, there’s a fairly strong chance that he’d come across as endearing and convivial next to the likes of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag.

And it’s because of this that Lauren Conrad has spent the last year desperately attempting to branch out. She won’t be appearing in any more episodes of The Hills, because she’s decided to become a writer.

Last year it was announced that Lauren Conrad was going to pen a fiction series called LA Candy for HarperCollins, detailing the rise of a completely fictional young girl – let’s call her Flauren Bomrad for the sake of argument – from a nobody to a gigantic celebrity thanks to her part in the (fictional) hit show The Hilly Part Of Los Angeles. Or something. It was an imaginative work of fiction, anyway.

And now Lauren Conrad is turning LA Candy into a movie. Or, to be more accurate, she wants to turn LA Candy into a movie. Or, to be more accurate, she’s thinking about possibly wanting to turn LA Candy into something that some people might vaguely consider to faintly resemble a film. Sort of. MTV reports:

Conrad recently revealed to the Daily News that she is interested in adapting her novel to the big screen. “We’re hoping for a movie deal,” Conrad said. “I’m working on [adapting the book for the movies] right now, but I don’t want to commit to anything until I see all my options. We have had a lot of exciting news in that respect, though.”

Quite right. It’s very astute of Lauren Conrad to want to hold fire until all the options are presented to her. For instance, if she rushes in and agrees to turn LA Candy into a TV show that will only be broadcast on a single barely-watched Bolivian cable channel, she might miss the opportunity to make it into a direct-to-DVD low-budget movie shot entirely in someone’s basement on a VHS camcorder starring Lou Diamond Phillips as all the characters. She’s a clever businesswoman, that Lauren Conrad.

Oh, we’re just kidding. We’re big fans of Lauren Conrad, so we’ll definitely watch the LA Candy movie. If it’s shown on a long-haul flight that we happen to be on. And it’s the only entertainment choice. And we’ve forgotten to pack a book. And it’s too turbulent to sleep. And, for whatever reason, we’re unable to drink ourselves unconscious. And someone is literally holding a gun to our head.

In that situation, yes, we’ll almost definitely consider watching some of it.

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Generally speaking, the cast of The Hills are such a bundle of obnoxiously overprivileged mimsies that they seem incapable of wiping their own bottoms by themselves.

But there’s always an exception to the rule, and in this case it’s Lauren Conrad. True, she might spend her entire life trapped in an oblivious richie rich bubble – a bubble that most sane people would like to take a flaming cricket bat to – but you can’t say that Lauren Conrad doesn’t possess basic English skills.

That’s because Lauren Conrad has just signed up to write three young adult fiction books that she totally would have been asked to write anyway even if she wasn’t on TV all the poxy time. We don’t know about you, but we think that these Lauren Conrad books are going to be the best young adult fiction books written by a woman we’ve never heard of from a TV show that we actively dislike ever. Yay for books!

Appearing on The Hills can be an amazing career platform that allows you to do anything you want. Audrina Patridge, for example, managed to become a nudey model after being on The Hills, while Spencer Pratt was able to realise his dreams of becoming a professional bell-end.

And then there’s Lauren Conrad. Although originally the reason why people watched The Hills, recently Lauren Conrad has been losing ground to Heidi Montag – a woman so astoundingly obnoxious that the reason she’s even allowed to be on TV is so that frustrated male viewers can have a conduit to safely live out their most disturbing domestic violence fantasies without hurting anyone they love.

And that’s why Lauren Conrad is branching out into the world of publishing. According to reports, Lauren Conrad has signed a three-book deal with HarperCollins.

There’s nothing wrong with that at all – Lauren seems like an imaginative enough girl, and we’re sure that whatever she comes up with won’t just be a lazy semi-autobiographical dirge that most people could normally wank out in 45 minutes. The New York Daily News reports:

Conrad’s young adult fiction series, titled “LA Candy,” is loosely based on the 22-year-old’s transition from regular gal to recognizable face. “I’ve always loved books that I could lose myself in, ones that would transport me to another place.”

OK, two things. Firstly Lauren, they’re not books you’re describing, they’re cruise ships. Secondly, these books sound like the worst idea ever. Even worse than Kylie’s semi-autobiographical dirge. Even worse than Geri Halliwell’s semi-autobiographical dirge, perhaps, and that’s not something we say lightly.

Because, really, who’s going to read your books, Lauren Conrad? Intelligent people won’t read them because by definition none of them watch The Hills, and people who watch The Hills won’t because none of them can read.

A book’s hardly going to appeal to them, is it? Come back when you’ve brought out something that can hold their attention better, like a DVD of you dancing around with a bit of shiny paper and going “ooh ooh ooh” or something.