On Friday, Tina Malone was evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house – which, hooray, gave her another chance to bleat on about herself – and she was swiftly followed by Mutya, who suddenly decided that living with Coolio was rubbish and walked out. And either Ulrika or Coolio is being booted out tonight, too. See? Exciting! Sort of.

But what about the remaining Celebrity Big Brother housemates? Let’s find out, with our weekly look at Ben Adams, Coolio, LaToya Jackson and Michelle Heaton…

Ben Adams – So another week has passed in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and the number of noteworthy things that Ben Adams has done still stands at a resounding zero. Honestly, we’re beginning to think that the real Ben died several years ago and he was replaced by a paper mache mannequin of a barbershop model, because surely nobody can be that utterly free of charisma, can they? Actually, we’re just assuming that Ben is still part of Celebrity Big Brother. He might have done a Mutya too, but nobody has noticed yet. We just don’t know.

Coolio – This year’s Celebrity Big Brother looks set to become the most incident-free series in the show’s entire season, and the only person doing anything to battle against that at the moment is Coolio. He’s the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate objectionable enough to prompt a walk-out so far, which at least puts him on a par with Jade Goody’s one-armed lesbian mother, and he’s reduced Michelle Heaton to tears. Admittedly that’s not an especially hard thing to do – we get the feeling that an angry-looking plantpot could probably do the same – but at least Coolio’s trying. And for that he deserves, we dunno, something.

LaToya Jackson – Not the greatest proponent of emotion the world has ever seen, LaToya Jackson has at least displayed some signs of humanity over the last week in the Celebrity Big Brother house. Well, OK, maybe not humanity as such, but whatever you call it when a midget is drunkenly trying to come on to you and he won’t shut up and it gets a bit awkward and you visibly start scanning the room for exits. LaToya Jackson has been showing signs of that lately. Which is just as well, because she’s done arse-all else.

Michelle Heaton – OK, we’ll come out and say it. We don’t think that Michelle Heaton will be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother this year. That’s not to say that we think she’s going to win, you understand, but rather if she keeps crying at the absurd rate that she has been over the last seven days she’ll become so dehydrated that the only way she’ll be removed from the Celebrity Big Brother is with a dustpan and brush. But apart from crying relentlessly like the worst kind of idiot, Michelle Heaton has, um, no. No, actually, that’s pretty much everything. Why wasn’t she evicted on Friday? We hate the public sometimes, we really do.

Tomorrow: we look at Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer. Unless one of them gets kicked out, of course. And, you, fingers crossed.

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Oh alright, the Celebrity Big Brother house hasn’t changed in the slightest since Lucy Pinder was evicted on Friday, mainly because the poor girl had all the charisma of a pebble. Honestly, we started hitting the side of our TV during Lucy’s eviction interview because we thought her weird droning voice was some sort of manufacturer’s defect.

But anyway, now that Lucy Pinder is gone, how are the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates holding up? Here’s our week two look at Ben Adams, Coolio, LaToya Jackson, Michelle Heaton and Mutya…

Ben Adams – All boyband members fulfill different roles – typically there’s a rough one, a gay one, one who can actually sing etc – and judging by Ben Adam’s time in the Celebrity Big Brother house so far, we’d guess that he probably wasn’t A1’s interesting one. As personable as he appears to be, there’s no mistaking the fact that Ben’s sole contribution to Celebrity Big Brother so far has been a slightly meandering anecdote about a girl he met who ordered some quite expensive things at a restaurant once. Fact – if Ben Adams leaves Celebrity Big Brother, nobody will notice he’s gone.

Coolio – Without question, Coolio has become Celebrity Big Brother’s most polarising figure, splitting the house into those who can’t stand the sight of him and those who really can’t stand the sight of him. Make no mistake, Coolio’s a dead cert to run away with the next round of eviction nominations, and then it’ll fall to the public to judge how popular he is. But Coolio can’t be all bad, can he? After all, he manage to bully Lucy Pinder into showing a flicker of emotion, and we’ve heard that’s pretty much impossible.

LaToya Jackson – Anyone hoping that LaToya Jackson would be identical to her silent, even-handed brother Jermaine in the Celebrity Big Brother house must be a little disappointed. It turns out that LaToya is a strange mixture of the manipulative, the conniving and the relentlessly downbeat – as evidenced by the weird naive little girl act she pulls whenever she wants something and all her whiny backstabbing to Coolio. At the moment, LaToya Jackson is easily the most underestimated Celebrity Big Brother contestant – something that’ll come back to haunt the other housemates when she stabs one of them to death in the sleep while cackling like a maniac. It’ll happen, kids.

Michelle Heaton - And if LaToya Jackson is the most underestimated Celebrity Big Brother housemate, then Michelle Heaton is easily the most overestimated. We all assumed that she’d be all paranoid and spiteful and attention-seeking, but she’s not. She’s not anything. When God was handing out personalities, he accidentally gave Michelle Heaton a vast bottomless quarry that nothing could ever escape from. Still, at least she’s got a pseudo-romance with Ben Adams going on, and that’s nice to watch because it’s clear that Ben is Michelle’s intellectual equal. Admittedly, most teacups are Michelle’s intellectual equal too, but have you ever tried having sex with a teacup? It’s really bloody hard.

Mutya – We’ll admit that we had Mutya all wrong. We were expecting a snarling, punchy ghetto girl prone to surliness and tantrums, but we haven’t seen that side of Mutya at all in the Celebrity Big Brother house so far. In fact, she’s been sort of nice. So maybe it wasn’t her who started all the fights in the Sugababes after all. It was Heidi! Let’s all go and burn her house down instead! But back to Celebrity Big Brother – Mutya’s got the inoffensive-and-quiet third place spot locked down. Mark our words.

Tomorrow: Our Celebrity Big Brother look at Tina Malone, Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer.

So what’s new with Celebrity Big Brother this year? Well, judging by Friday’s big opening episode, it’s being sponsored by a bed shop and Davina McCall has taken to dressing like a big crow. And Ulrika Jonsson’s already up for eviction. And that’s literally it.

And since nothing of interest has happened whatsoever so far, let’s get going with part one of our Celebrity Big Brother 2009 introductions, for LaToya Jackson, Mutya, Verne Troyer, Tommy Sheridan, Lucy Pinder and Ben Adams…

LaToya Jackson – Imagine being in the room when Jermaine Jackson from Celebrity Big Brother 2007 recommended Celebrity Big Brother to his sister LaToya: “Oh, it was awesome. I was trapped in a room with some genuinely objectionable arseholes – some of whom seemed a bit racist – for three weeks and I didn’t gain anything professionally from it whatsoever afterwards. You’ll love it”. Also, LaToya Jackson laughs like this: “Ehihihi! Ehihihi!” and is an idiot. That’s all. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jermaine Jackson.

Mutya – Mutya doesn’t have a surname any more. She used to be called Mutya Out Of The Sugababes but, since the great Sugababes ugliness purge of 2005, she can’t use that name any more. We’re just joking – Mutya left Sugababes of her own accord because she had a baby and realised it was the more important thing in her life – or the second most important thing after abandoning said children to appear on pikey reality TV shows, at least. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Chris Eubank.

Verne Troyer – You’ll know Verne Troyer best as either Mini Me from the Austin Powers film or the funny bald man who tried to sue hecklerspray last year because we published a still from his yucky little sex tape. But that’s all beside the point because – Darnell-style screaming meltdown not permitting – Verne Troyer is going to win Celebrity Big Brother. This is because a) he’s obviously disabled and people will feel sorry for him and b) he looks like a baby! Ha ha ha! Look at his funny little legs! PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Mikey from last year’s Civilian Big Brother.

Tommy Sheridan – Look, there’s no point putting this any other way – Tommy Sheridan is basically George Galloway. That’s all you need to know. They’re both Scottish, both politicians, both controversial, both furious about everything and both completely ready to trade in whatever professional credibility they’ve amassed for the sake of three weeks on a reality TV show for bastards. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Haven’t you been reading?

Lucy Pinder – But if Lucy Pinder is on Celebrity Big Brother, who’s getting their tits out for Nuts? This is a disaster – she needs to be voted out as quickly as possible before thousands of lonely teenage testicles balloon up and explode in her absence. Anyway, aside from her boobs Lucy Pinder is primarily known for being duller than a filing cabinet full of bathwater – so Celebrity Big Brother is her big chance to show herself in a different light. Unfortunately, the light she’s chosen seems to be that of a genuinely unlikeable right-wing lunatic. This is going to end in tears. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Danielle Lloyd.

Ben Adams – Ben Adams is probably most famous for his stint in A1, the failed experiment in naming boybands alphabetically as if they were bloody taxi firms or something. That’s not what Ben does any more, though – now he’s a successful songwriter and producer for the likes of, um, Lisa Scott Lee. So that’s obviously working out really well for him. Ben says he doesn’t really do celebrity parties, but he’s doing Celebrity Big Brother. From this we can assume that Ben Adams is a bit of a turd. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Either Mark Owen or H from Steps. We haven’t decided yet.

Tomorrow: part two of our Celebrity Big Brother introductions. Exciting, huh?

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So that’s why there’s going to be a Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction tonight. Sworn enemies Latoya and Emilia are currently engaged in a public fight to the death, and the results will be discovered later tonight. Of course, by ‘fight to the death’ we mean ‘eviction battle’ and by ’sworn enemies’ we mean ’slightly ambivalent acquaintances.’ But be quiet. Eviction! Woo!

So here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for tonight’s eviction – for Emilia and Latoya – with help from Paddy Power…

Emilia – It’s good to see that Emilia is managing to maintain her role as Big Brother’s professional victim by whining that Latoya’s improvised fight last week brought out an angry side of Victor that nobody had ever seen before. Which, you know, would have been a noble thing to do were it not for the fact that everyone who’s even watched one episode of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack saw nothing but Victor’s angry side. And the public’s residual dislike of Victor might just mean that Emilia gets voted out of the house tonight. Or at least it would if Emilia couldn’t put her arse on her head. But she can, and we could forgive her almost anything for that. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 9/4

Latoya – Latoya, on the other hand, isn’t as instantly dislikeable as Emilia, but then again she isn’t likeable either. Or, you know, anything – Latoya may as well be a cloud of fart vapour for all she brings to Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. One weirdly realistic fake crying tantrum and that’s it, that’s all she’s done. The flirtation with Nathan came to nothing, the friendship with Jay petered out, she’s never especially fast to do anything – in fact, we’re not even sure we’d notice if Latoya was evicted tonight. Except that Emilia wouldn’t have anyone to bitch about, even though she’ll have probably found another target by the time Latoya’s halfway up the stairs on her way out. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 2/7

Tomorrow: more Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds to win. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

On Sunday the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates nominated yet again, and yesterday the two housemates with the most votes were names as Latoya and Emilia. And the evicted housemate won’t be getting a big Friday night eviction like everyone else – no, they’ll be shunted out of the house on a Wednesday in front of a televised audience of, ooh, about three. We’ll be getting to the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction odds soon enough.

But for now let’s carry on our look at the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds to win, for Nathan, Emilia and Jeremy, with help from Paddy Power…

Nathan – A long long time ago when Big Brother Celebrity Hijack started (yes, we know it was just a couple of weeks ago, but by bloody Christ, does it feel like longer), Nathan looked like the fun-loving chap who’d inject a bit of life into the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. But that was an assumption so wrong it should be punishable by a damn good birching. Nathan has revealed himself to be – in no particular order – ultra-serious, unable to join in any discussions in case it alienates his meagre fanbase, slightly bitter that he isn’t more famous than he is and such a freakish horndog that he darn-near melted our TV with his lechery. And, you, know, we’ve already got one Craig David for that. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 16/1

Emilia – It’s become increasingly clear over the last week that Emilia is something of a professional victim, and the only time she ever shows a trace of personality is whenever she’s got someone bitching at her. And now that Victor’s not in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house any more, Emilia’s main source of antagonism has disappeared. So chances are Emilia is either going to flourish now that she doesn’t have an emotionally-deformed rollerskater telling her that she’s a whore or she’ll find another way to act the victim. Chances are by Thursday Emilia will burst into tears because Jeremy’s keeping her down by stroking her hair sometimes. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 12/1

Jeremy – Jeremy is another Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate who’ll suffer without Victor around. Not in the same way as Emilia, though – Jeremy had forged something of a homoerotic relationship with Victor that mainly consisted of swapping sex stories and talking sexist rubbish in pretend European accents. And now that he’s been forcibly removed from Victor, there’s a chance that Jeremy will become a bit of a Big Brother Celebrity Hijack loner. In short, Jeremy is the new Liam, and we await the day he starts meowing at himself in the bathroom with more anticipation than you could possibly imagine. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

Tomorrow – Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for the big eviction. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Answer: We’re about to find out now that Victor and Liam have been evicted from the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. In a single stroke on Friday, two of the most befuddlingly watchable housemates were wiped out – one because he clearly hated women so much that he made Arthur Schopenhauer look like a cuddly feminist and the other because he fucking meows to himself. How will the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house cope without Victor and Liam? Oh, don’t pretend that you care.

Nominations got done yesterday, and we’ll let you know about those later in the week, but for now, who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Calista, Latoya and Jay, with help from Paddy Power…

Calista – Calista and Anthony have been the big ‘will they, won’t they?’ hit of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack so far. The ‘will they, won’t they’ in question of course referring to whether or not their constant dopey-eyed flirting will cause Calista’s boyfriend to dump her in a lurid tabloid kiss-and-tell story.

It probably won’t happen for three reasons. They are:

1) As far as we’ve been able to tell, Calista’s relationship with Anthony seems to mainly involve keeping him at arm’s length while he yammers on about his feelings.

2) Judging by these Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds, Calista will be evicted soon enough.

3) No fucker watches Big Brother Celebrity Hijack and therefore nobody gives a toss about Calista’s boyfriend anyway. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 50/1

Latoya – So it looks like Latoya isn’t completely pointless after all, because last week she managed to wind Victor up almost to the point of violence. Actually, come to think of it, you could probably show Victor a photograph of a pigeon and he’d be wound up almost to the point of violence – but if we let that slip then we’d have one less interesting fact about Latoya to tell you.

And since that’s the only pissing interesting fact about Latoya in the first place, we’ll protect it with our lives. And, yes, this is basically a long-winded way of telling you that Latoya is one boring shithead and her eviction from the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house can’t come soon enough. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Jay – Similarly, Jay’s Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds have fallen exponentially as well, and that might have had something to do with last week’s toe-curling ‘I know, let’s be really crazy and improv a fight!’ moment that he was a part of.

Not only was the whole thing the sort of attention-seeking, deliberately inflammatory codswallop that causes people to hate students in the first place, but who uses the word ‘improv’ anyway?

People who deserve to have their teeth knocked out by concrete seagulls, that’s who, and we now include Jay in that. Improv. Bloody improv. Get out of our Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, you massive twat. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Tomorrow – Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, Emila and Jeremy. Probably. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

As if just living in a new house with 11 total strangers for a month isn’t bad enough, they’ve also been put through a brutal SAS interrogation process by Andy McNab, had their acting skills harshly criticised by that Scottish actor, plus they had to spend a day listening to Peaches Geldof rabbiting on at them without being able to kick their way into the control room and choke her on her stupid microphone. They’re made of stronger stuff than us.

But who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Latoya, Emilia, Jeremy and Amy, with help from Paddy Power…

Latoya – You can tell that the producers of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack desperately want Latoya and Nathan to hook up. Hardly a furtive side-glace or awkward semi-conversation between them goes by without a huge deal getting made of it. And the truth is, we’re not sure if Latoya really likes Nathan. And we’re not sure if Latoya doesn’t like Nathan either. Frankly we’re not sure that dancing has left very much in Latoya’s brain at all, aside from a camp man in an afro and a velour tracksuit shouting “And five six seven eight SPIN six seven eight!” over and over again. But maybe Latoya’s being smart and playing the dark horse to avoid eviction. Or maybe she doesn’t understand the concept of smart because it doesn’t involve windmilling your arms around like a loon. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 20/1

Emilia – Notice how Emilia is dead-centre of the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds. Know why that is? It’s because nobody can work out if Emilia is a nice girl or a tosspiece. She’s a tough one to crack, that’s for sure – she’s obviously got a streak of burning narcissism running through her a mile wide, and she can always be counted on to get what she wants by flashing her legs around like a hussy. But then again Emilia isn’t shy of the odd sincerely sweet gesture, too. If Big Brother Celebrity Hijack was voted for primarily by sex-starved married men in their mid-forties, we get the feeling that Emilia would walk it, but since it’s mainly teenage girls who take part, we can’t work out what they’ll make of her. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

Jeremy – The most interesting noise that a Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction crowd at the sound of a name is “wearrrrugh” – the noncommittal acceptance that, although a housemate may have appeared to be a bit of a dick to begin with, actually he’s not all that bad. On Friday’s Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, Jeremy got a “wearrrrugh.” That either means that the public is warming to Jeremy as a human being or they at least want him kept in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house long enough for Emilia to spectacularly obliterate his sense of self-worth forever when he inevitably tries to kiss her and she rejects him in front of the entire country. We’d need to listen to the “wearrrrugh” again to tell you which one of these it is. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 8/1

Amy – For all her arsty-fartsy chronic po-faced wankiness when it comes to her talent – which is cleaning small squares of floor, by the way – Amy is emerging as one of the most well-rounded Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates by far. Whatever situation she’s put in, Amy tends to cope magnificently – with the girls she talks about boys and crushes, with the more cynical Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates she’s laid-back and dry, she can withstand SAS interrogation from a fat man with a funny voice – and it’s probably fair to say that Amy’s the housemate most suited to a job at hecklerspray. Except that she looks alarmingly like Heather Mills, so someone would have probably kicked her out of a window by lunchtime. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 6/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, John and Anthony. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.