You know what the Jackson family are kinda like? Performing dolphins that entertain crowds of clapping idiots who pay money to see overgrown fish jump through burning hoops. Trainers of dolphins usually use the Joe Jackson guidance method which generally involves beating the creature until it does what you want it to do.

Michael Jackson suffered the most under his father. Perhaps he never received tasty morsels of salmon as a reward for mastering the moonwalk correctly.

The rest of the family also had to endure daddy Joe’s teachings, though we often wonder about Latoya Jackson. We genuinely don’t know what she has done to warrant any sort of successful career. Does that riot count when she promised to take her clothes off for money, but then bottled it? Who knows? However we are aware that she is bringing out a book containing her theory on her successful brother’s death. This’ll go down well at the local reading club we imagine.

We we’re going to write a whole load of jokes about Latoya possibly having to live in the shadows of sibling Janet Jackson all her life. But then we realised that Janet is as equally an inferior Jackson family member which must have left her father fuming. Two failures in one clan? Well he could always rely on Tito, Jermaine, Marlon and Randy.

Oh.

That means we still have to focus on Michael Jackson, who’s death has turned in to a never ending game of Cluedo. Was it the King of Pop with the prescription painkillers in the kitchen? Or perhaps it was Dr. Conrad Murray with the syringe in the hall? It seems that Latoya is pointing her finger at Murray who seems destined never to get a trial at court due to it constantly being pushed back. Anyways, she said:

“Dr. Murray was the fall guy. Authorities should look into this more deeply. I believe it was a conspiracy. Michael told me repeatedly, ‘They’re going to murder me. You don’t understand. They’re trying to murder me.’ He’d tell me this again and again.”

Hold on. Have we unearthed some sort of potential breaking news? Did Michael Jackson tell his sister that his doctor was going to kill him? Or is he saying that there was a whole bunch of people out to ensure he joined the deceased early?

Despite everyone in the hecklerspray bedsit initially thinking that we’d done it, we then leapt from our urine stained couch in excitement! Conspiracies are ace! Then we realised that these claims couldn’t possibly be true. Still, at least MJ had a lot of music in his house.

“He had the world’s largest music catalogue – 750,000 songs. People knew how important it was.”

Ah! Clearly Michael was an illegal downloader, so maybe it was the music police who killed him!

Or could this be “the revenge of any Jesus Juice drinking children?” Whilst that could be the title of a brilliantly rubbish b-movie, we assume the children he allegedly touched (but legally didn’t thanks to a judge) came back and haunted him whilst he slept.

Suffice to say, when the actual trial for Dr. Conrad Murray starts, it’ll dispel any crackpot conspiracy theories just like the ones his sister has written. No doubt we’ll be live blogging the trial under the following title:

Dr Conrad Murray: Injecting the truth in to our hearts. Or, Michael Jackson: Moonwalking For Justice.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

You know what? I’ve come to the conclusion that Janet Jackson is probably my favourite out of all of the ill-fated Jackson Cloning experiments of the 50s and 60s.

Face it, she isn’t the one that gave her children aggressively brainless names that make them sound like they’re suffering a minor stroke due to an onset of unaccountable self-aggrandisement whenever they introduce themselves, like Jermaine did. She seems like less of a manic than LaToya. And there are fewer whispered rumours of ‘shedosmilia’ or ‘smiled smape’ than the dead one.

Of course, there are about 600 failed Jackson experiments that I haven’t mentioned. I didn’t mention them because it’s impossible for any human being to have any knowledge of more than five at a time before the urge to cease existing becomes irresistible. Having said that though, I’d be willing to bet that not one of the other hundreds of Jacksons lurking on the edge of major cities waiting for the ‘go code’ to be transmitted to their frontal cortex can spark civil unrest with the slightest hint of their unclothed chebs being shown on prime time television. That fact alone makes Janet the best one.

But having total genital power over all teenage boys that cared enough to record, slow down and squint at the precise point that you could see a square centimetre of famous nork is not enough for Janet, no way. Now she’s claiming to have discovered Lady Gaga. DigitalSpy honks:

Janet Jackson has reportedly claimed that she was aware of Lady GaGa before anyone knew who she was. “Before she made it, before anyone knew who she was, I knew who she was and, to see her finally make it, I was so happy.”

Doesn’t that confirm her status as the Best Jackson? Not only is she a supreme talent scout, she can also see into the future. She knew who Lady Gaga was even before she knew herself. Of course, all of the Jacksons are known for their unimpeachable ethics and high moral standing, so it would be unfitting of us to speculate on this unprompted, frankly unrealistic claim.

It simply must be true. To suggest that it is just because people can barely remember who she is, other than the person who simultaneously corrupted the largest number of impressionable American children in living memory, sparking off mass juvenile orgies with merely a picosecond flash of boob, would be the act of a charlatan. Not to mention that she has a reissue of her Best Of out and each headline she gets is roughly equivalent to 4.5 units sold. No, it’s far more likely that she trawled stripclubs on the Lower East Side of Manhattan looking for the next eccentric Madonna wannabe. Surely.

Besides, why would she pretend to have discovered someone like Lady Gaga? Surely the logical successor to the Jackson’s crown of Creating Overproduced Commercial Soul would be Chris Brown. The only trouble there is that her name would be linked to someone accused of a horrific physical cri- oh wait, nevermind.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Now that Michelle Heaton has been evicted, we’re coming to the end of perhaps the most pointless-ever series of Celebrity Big Brother.

And that leaves just one question – will anyone actually notice when it’s finished? Oh, and one slightly less important question – who’s going to win Celebrity Big Brother. Left are Ben, Coolio, LaToya, Terry, Tommy, Ulrika and Verne and, as sad as it makes us, one of them has to win it.

So the rest of the week will be spent evaluating the chances of the Celebrity Big Brother housemates, starting today with Ben Adams, Coolio and LaToya Jackson…

Ben Adams – We can’t make this any clearer than we already have. Ben Adams must not win Celebrity Big Brother. He just mustn’t. Not only has the one thing that kept him fractionally interesting – his weird semi-flirtation with the Liberty X dimwit – come to an end, but just imagine if he won Celebrity Big Brother. Imagine it. What would his inevitable autobiography look like? We’ll tell you what – it’d be a crayon drawing of his hair and then 350 blank pages. if Ben Adams was any more boring, he’d actually vanish. Just like the other three members of A1. Don’t vote for Ben Adams, please. We’re being serious here.

Coolio – One of the most bewildering things about this series of Celebrity Big Brother – other than the fact that people still apparently watch it – is that Coolio was never placed up for eviction despite being almost universally loathed by his fellow housemates. And because of this, it’s difficult to gauge the public’s reaction to him. Do they hate Coolio? Have they taken him to their hearts for the way he kept making Michelle Heaton cry all the time? Are they all going to start cutting slits in the top of their hats to let their silly haircuts through? We’ll find out on Friday. Unless we go out. We’ll probably go out.

LaToya Jackson – LaToya Jackson probably won’t win Celebrity Big Brother, based on the sole fact that she hasn’t actually done anything. But in true Jackson tradition we’re sure she’ll end up doing well. Admittedly, LaToya hasn’t faced the weird racist barrage that her brother Jermaine was put through on the show two years ago but, nevertheless, her escapades with the chillis this week should have made her a fan favourite. Now, whenever anyone starts crying and chanting “It doesn’t hurt” to themselves like an idiot for any reason, they’re bound to think of LaToya Jackson. Truly that is her gift to the world.

Tomorrow: The Celebrity Big Brother chances of Terry Christian and Tommy Sheridan.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!