You know what the Jackson family are kinda like? Performing dolphins that entertain crowds of clapping idiots who pay money to see overgrown fish jump through burning hoops. Trainers of dolphins usually use the Joe Jackson guidance method which generally involves beating the creature until it does what you want it to do.
Michael Jackson suffered the most under his father. Perhaps he never received tasty morsels of salmon as a reward for mastering the moonwalk correctly.
The rest of the family also had to endure daddy Joe’s teachings, though we often wonder about Latoya Jackson. We genuinely don’t know what she has done to warrant any sort of successful career. Does that riot count when she promised to take her clothes off for money, but then bottled it? Who knows? However we are aware that she is bringing out a book containing her theory on her successful brother’s death. This’ll go down well at the local reading club we imagine.
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You know what? I’ve come to the conclusion that Janet Jackson is probably my favourite out of all of the ill-fated Jackson Cloning experiments of the 50s and 60s.
Face it, she isn’t the one that gave her children aggressively brainless names that make them sound like they’re suffering a minor stroke due to an onset of unaccountable self-aggrandisement whenever they introduce themselves, like Jermaine did. She seems like less of a manic than LaToya. And there are fewer whispered rumours of ‘shedosmilia’ or ‘smiled smape’ than the dead one.
Of course, there are about 600 failed Jackson experiments that I haven’t mentioned. I didn’t mention them because it’s impossible for any human being to have any knowledge of more than five at a time before the urge to cease existing becomes irresistible. Having said that though, I’d be willing to bet that not one of the other hundreds of Jacksons lurking on the edge of major cities waiting for the ‘go code’ to be transmitted to their frontal cortex can spark civil unrest with the slightest hint of their unclothed chebs being shown on prime time television. That fact alone makes Janet the best one.
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Now that Michelle Heaton has been evicted, we’re coming to the end of perhaps the most pointless-ever series of Celebrity Big Brother.
And that leaves just one question – will anyone actually notice when it’s finished? Oh, and one slightly less important question – who’s going to win Celebrity Big Brother. Left are Ben, Coolio, LaToya, Terry, Tommy, Ulrika and Verne and, as sad as it makes us, one of them has to win it.
So the rest of the week will be spent evaluating the chances of the Celebrity Big Brother housemates, starting today with Ben Adams, Coolio and LaToya Jackson…
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Now that Michelle Heaton has been evicted, we're coming to the end of perhaps the most pointless-ever series of Celebrity Big Brother.
And that leaves just one question - will anyone actually notice when it's finished? Oh, and one slightly less important question - who's going to win Celebrity Big Brother. Left are Ben, Coolio, LaToya, Terry, Tommy, Ulrika and Verne and, as sad as it makes us, one of them has to win it.
So the rest of the week will be spent evaluating the chances of the Celebrity Big Brother housemates, starting today with Ben Adams, Coolio and LaToya Jackson...
