Ah, who are we kidding? There isn’t a soul on the face of the planet who really gives very much of a sniff about Michelle Rodriguez’s sexuality at all. Apart from Michelle Rodriguez, that is. She just refuses to ever bloody shut up about it. And, for your information, Michelle Rodriguez is keeping it a secret. She says “If I wanna fuck a girl, a boy, a dog, that’s my business.”

Oh my god. Michelle Rodriguez totally fucks dogs.

People too often define themselves by their sexuality. If you’re a heterosexual man, society dicates that you must watch football and smash beer cans on your head. If you’re a heterosexual woman, then you must bake cakes and only ever think about cushions. And if you’re gay? Well, who else do you think watches Hotel Babylon?

Anyway, this way of thinking is outmoded and dangerous. These days, the rise of social equality means you can define yourself however you like. Take Michelle Rodriguez, for example. Nobody knows if Michelle Rodriguez is a lesbian or not. On the one had she looks a bit mannish. On the other hand she kissed that guy on Lost once. But on the other other hand, that guy had hair like a girl. It’s a minefield.

But you know what? Michelle Rodriguez doesn’t want you to make judgements on how gay she might or might not be. And if that’s what you’re doing, then Michelle Rodriguez totally hates you and think slime comes out of your head when you sleep or something.

And in the latest issue of Latina magazine, Michelle Rodriguez finally lashed out at all the people who won’t shut up about what she does with her vagina:

“I just keep it to myself and it’s nobody’s business. If I wanna f**k a girl, a boy, a dog, that’s my business. That’s why there’s bathroom doors. What the majority of (people) want to know is what I’m doing with my vagina, and I think that that’s sick. What do you care who I’m dating? I can tell when somebody just wants to know about sex. And it makes me sick.”

Yeah! That’s why there’s bathroom doors! Let the lesbians fuck their dogs in peace! Sheesh.

Listen, we feel partly to blame for Michelle Rodriguez’s confusing outburst, because we’re online bloggers. And Michelle Rodriguez doesn’t exactly think very highly of us:

“I picture them turning into pigs, slime coming out the side of their mouth, and I picture them jerking off.”

Hey Michelle, that’s not slime. That’s drool. We’re drooly sleepers. Subtle difference. Otherwise, a mostly accurate description.

But, OK, point taken. You’ll never hear us speculate about Michelle Rodriguez’s sexuality again. We’ll define her as she clearly wants to be defined – as a strong, independent woman who keeps going to jail because she can’t drive a car for shit. See? Now everyone’s happy.

Read more:

Lost star Michelle Rodriquez lashes out at gay rumours – Mirror