But if there’s another thing that Jennifer Lopez loves, it’s getting married. Jennifer Lopez loves getting married so much that she’ll quite off marry someone completely unsuitable just so she can divorce him and get married to someone else a few months later.

However, Jennifer Lopez made quite the schoolboy error when she married Marc Anthony – a man she actually seems to quite like. Because now it looks like they’ll never get divorced and Jennifer Lopez won’t be able to feed her compulsive marriage addiction. Unless, of course, Jennifer Lopez opted for the methadone of the wedding world instead, and just pointlessly renewed her vows to Marc Anthony instead. So she’s done that.

Jennifer Lopez, as we think we probably just stated, loves weddings. She loves weddings so much that not only does she have it written into her contracts that all her movies have to end with a wedding regardless of whether they’re romantic comedies, revenge dramas about domestic abuse or weird bits of nonsense about her flying around inside a serial killer’s comatose brain.

Jennifer Lopez loves wedding so much that she’ll marry anyone. Literally anyone. People who’ll write books about her after they divorce, no-mark backup dancers. Anyone. Literally anyone. Well, not Ben Affleck, obviously. She’s not mental or anything.

Despite this, though, Jennifer Lopez seems to have found her soulmate in Marc Anthony. They do everything together – go on tour together, procreate together, make bad films together. Raise dogs to allegedly attack air stewardesses together. It’s sweet. But it means that Jennifer Lopez is less likely to divorce Marc Anthony and marry someone else who looks even more like Gollum.

It’s a predicament and no mistake – on one hand there’s eternal happiness with a man she loves and on the other hand is a new box of wedding gift napkin rings. How’s a girl supposed to decide between those two?

So Jennifer Lopez has opted for a happy compromise – this weekend, she renewed her marriage vows with Marc Anthony in a weird double ceremony with New York Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran in Las Vegas. People reports:

Wearing a black dress, Lopez looked “beautiful” as 12 people witnessed the ceremony, the source said. “Her parents didn’t even see it because they were with the babies.” Following the nuptials, a butler opened a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne for the newly re-married couples.

If that’s not the definition of romance, we don’t know what is. Dumping your kids on your parents so you can publicly treat your marriage like an expired insurance policy even though you only got married about five minutes ago anyway? Nice.

Oh, we’re just jealous. Really, we’re thrilled for Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. In fact, we think that they should go away somewhere exotic to renew their marriage vows every single week. Because that’d probably stop Jennifer Lopez from making any more bad films or songs, and that way we sort of all get something out of it.

Well we can tell you – he’s gonna be a Vegas attraction. It’s been rumored before, but this time it’s different. This time he could be working directly for the mortgage company that just bought the $23 million dollar loan for his Neverland Ranch.

It’s perfect timing too, really, since Celine Dion just left Vegas and they are the exact same proportions, he could just use her costumes.

Now that’s economic efficiency!

There are several things that always must be mentioned when speaking of Michael Jackson. One of those things is the giraffes standing in their own coagulated blood pools back at his abandoned homestead. Another thing un-skipable is how he was the R Kelly of 2005.

Another thing that absolutely has to come up is how, even though Thriller is still the biggest selling album of all time, and the Taj Mahal’s entire south wing is built out of copies of it, Jackson is still destitute or something. He almost lost his house a bit ago – it was spared at the last second by the financial intervention of his pet tigers or something.

Well, his $23 million loan for the place was picked up by a company called Colony Capital, which conveniently owns thousands of Las Vegas casinos. A Jackson-led Vegas show has been talked about for years. The New York Times will make this one a little less fuzzy for you:

“Mr. Jackson, who has had a seemingly endless series of financial troubles over the past few years, including a recent threat of foreclosure at his Neverland Ranch in California, is considering a long term Las Vegas engagement as part of a plan to repay a $23 million debt to Colony Capital, the private equity group that recently bought the loan on Neverland, Reuters reported. Colony owns the Las Vegas Hilton, and is a major shareholder in the Station Casinos chain. There is no deal yet and the possible Las Vegas engagement is one of several repayment options Mr. Jackson and Colony are considering.”

Other repayment options under consideration, reportedly, are earning millions by teaching the US military how to turn its soldiers into spaceships and repeatedly launching Norm from Cheers through the stratosphere in a brown recliner.

We’re really not sure how money would come about from that last bit. Maybe put it on Pay-Per-View or something.

All well and good, but there’s something missing. Know what that is? A mildly psychotic pop star who enjoys shaving her head and displaying her vagina, that’s what.

Thank the sweet weeping lord, then, for Britney Spears. She’s apparently decided to use Vegas – or, more specifically, the Palms Hotel and Casino – as the jumping point for a ’spectacular comeback.’ Given that her last ‘comeback’ involved bobbing around onstage like a confused autistic sealion in front of millions of TV viewers, it’s safe to say that this is gonna be an interesting situation to say the least.

According to the new edition of the National Enquirer:

“Britney wants to make a splashy comeback in Las Vegas. She wants the show to be full of high energy and flashy costume changes.”

The moolah on offer? The equivalent of five million pounds – which, given the present exchange rate, is probably enough money in dollars to bankrupt the entire United States and leave them praying to their great Britneyrian Overlord. Maybe.

All of this Vegas chatter has been ascertained via the medium of sneaky Spears-spies. Those close to Britters have seen her eating lunch with hotel manager George Maloof and engaging in heated business discussion.

Hecklerspray honestly can’t say which we find more remarkable – the fact that someone would actually still want to employ Britney Spears for a not-insignificant amount of money, or the fact that she managed to make it through the entire meeting without smashing her crockery, foaming at the mouth, carving the words ‘worthless devil whore’ into her own face and then launching into a tear-laden recital of Toxic to a rapidly-departing crowd of restaurant leavers.

Maybe she’s saving that for opening night.

Read More:

Spears in talks to stage Vegas shows world entertainment news – Yahoo

However, we didn’t know what Tom Cruise and Oprah were going to discuss during Tom’s interview – until now. Because now it seems like it’s mostly about Tom Cruise’s arse.

Part of Oprah’s interview – conducted at Tom Cruise’s Colorado home – involved Oprah riding on Tom’s snowmobile, an experience that left Oprah blithering on about Tom Cruise’s butt and adding that she now knows what Katie Holmes sees in him. Financial gain despite an outwardly unconvincing relationship? Yep, actually that sounds about right.

At the end of the week and the beginning of next week, Tom Cruise returns to Oprah for the first time since he kicked his career to death by leaping all over her sofa like a 1950s housewife who’d just seen a mouse. To call the Cruise/ Oprah interviews highly-anticipated would be a gross understatement – Jesus could return to Earth on Friday morning and he’d be greeted with impatient shushes until Oprah’s ad breaks.

There’s so much for Oprah Winfrey to grill Tom Cruise about, you see, like the way his religious beliefs have crocked his career, or the real reasons behind the postponement of his new movie – even Tom Cruise’s feud with Brooke Shields happened after Tom Cruise’s last appearance on Oprah, and that was way back when people still liked Tom Cruise.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. So what did Oprah choose to mainly focus on during her time in Colarado? That’s right – Tom Cruise’s shitter. During the filming of an episode in Las Vegas recently to announce the comebacks of Tina Turner and Cher – what is it with Oprah Winfrey’s ability to reanimate the dead? – Oprah let a couple of Tom Cruise factoids slip out, as USA Today reports:

Winfrey also spoke of having just come from the home of Tom Cruise in Telluride, Colo., for his first Oprah appearance since his infamous couch-jumping moment in 2005. Winfrey quipped that she did not jump on Cruise’s couch, and she spoke of holding on to him during a snowmobile ride. “There’s something about being scooched up to his butt that makes you want to sing Take Me Home, Tom,” Winfrey said. “Now I know what (his wife) Katie (Holmes) sees!”

Well, not exactly what Katie sees, since we imagine that’s mostly the inside of a cage and a yellowing water bottle, but good for Oprah anyway. There’s nothing like implied sexual tension between a man who’s been constantly plagued by gay rumours and a woman who some people think is a lesbian to bump up the ratings a notch or two during sweeps, is there?

Actually, we’re making out that Oprah’s interview with Tom Cruise was a lot more arse-centric than it actually was – Oprah also promised that Scientology and Tom’s relationship with Katie Holmes and his daughter Suri would be examined as well, although chances are the most hard-hitting stuff will be drowned out by the noise of a few thousand menopausal women wetting their knickers and screaming a lot.

But despite Oprah’s efforts to big the interviews up, we’ll have to just watch Friday and Monday’s editions of Oprah to see how revelatory the Tom Cruise interviews really are. Oh, wait, we ‘ve just remembered – we’re not unemployed housewives.

Oh well, we’re sure it’ll end up on the internet somewhere.

Read more:

What happened on ‘Oprah’ taping didn’t stay in Vegas – USA Today

But now Toni Braxton has finally got the attention she deserves. Thanks to the mysterious, potentially life-threatening chest pains that took her off to hospital last week, Toni Braxton has never been so famous and her Vegas show is bound to sell even more tickets than ever as a result.

Except that it won’t, because Toni Braxton has cancelled all of her shows for the rest of April while she recovers. Stupid chest pains – they give you all the thrill of being famous with none of the cardiovascular functionality of being healthy. Hardly ideal, is it?

We’re starting to think that we’re under attack from the early 1990s, what with Stone Temple Pilots reforming, Gladiators coming back to television, Vanilla Ice getting arrested for domestic battery and Toni Braxton going to hospital with chest pains. We’ll know for sure as soon as there’s a sighting of Macaulay Culkin swatting planes out of the sky from the top of a skyscraper, but by then it’ll be too late. Then the cast of Hangin’ With Mr Cooper will march into town and suicide will be the most painless option left open to us.

But anyway, hopelessly paranoid time-travel invasion fears aside, Toni Braxton has managed to make the news for the second time in just over a week – the most talked-about she’s possibly ever been.

Obviously the first instance came when Toni Braxton was admitted to a Las Vegas hospital with chest pains last week. Although no official statement has been made about the nature of Braxton’s illness, it’s thought that it could be a resurgence of the pericarditis that she was diagnosed with a few years ago.

And now that she’s out of hospital, Toni Braxton has made the decision to cancel all of her scheduled Toni Braxton: Revealed concerts at the Flamingo for the rest of the month. The Associated Press reports:

Toni Braxton won’t return to the stage on the Las Vegas Strip until at least next month. The Flamingo Las Vegas says Braxton’s show will remain dark this week while the 40-year-old Grammy winner has more medical tests following her April 7 hospitalization for chest pain. Flamingo President Don Marrandino said her Tuesday-through-Saturday shows are also off, and Braxton will take advantage of a previously scheduled two-week break. She is due to resume her show at the Flamingo Showroom on May 6. The Flamingo is offering refunds for the canceled shows.

It’s just common sense that Toni Braxton should cancel the rest of the month’s concerts, for everyone’s sake. Needless to say, Toni Braxton will find it hard to perform to her utmost level while she’s worrying about such a potentially dangerous heart condition, but her audience would probably appreciate it if she didn’t drop dead straining for a high C in the middle of a show as well. It’d take the shine right off their trip, for starters.

But with Celine Dion out of Vegas and Toni Braxton incapacitated by illness, who’s left for the good people of Las Vegas to go and see during their visit? Four words – Lucky Cheng’s Drag Cabaret!

Read more:

Toni Braxton’s Shows for April Canceled - AP

Just yesterday we were telling you about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears' ex-husband Kevin Federline cosying up in a Las Vegas nightclub, but it seems like Paris wasn't done there, as it's transpired that she then went out the very next night and did exactly the same thing to Larry Birkhead, the last man on Earth to knock Anna Nicole Smith up before she died. We're not sure if chatting to odd, semi-famous men is going to be Paris Hilton's hot new trend for 2008 or not yet, but hopefully it is, because at this rate it won't be long before she's seen out with Trevor, the fictional Scottish wife-beater husband of Little Mo from EastEnders. And that would just be adorable.

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a long rivalry that includes everything from alleged phone-hacking to the brutal allocation of invisible bruises. But now it seems as though Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have decided to team up in an effort to get themselves romantically involved with every single man on the planet before the end of 2008.

Lindsay Lohan's already cracking on with the task in Europe, snogging all of Italy at a party at the weekend. And Paris Hilton is just as eager, although her tactic varies a little. She's taking on the American men first, and seems to be using a list starting with the least desirable and working her way up.

Yesterday we reported the horrific Paris Hilton/ Kevin Federline union that lasted for two nights at the arse-end of this year and now it seems that Paris has stumbled across another man famous for having sex with slightly deranged women. It's Larry Birkhead, the man who had sex with Anna Nicole Smith and got her pregnant a few months before she died. According to the Daily Mail, Hilton and Birkhead were seen in the middle of an 'intimate chat' which definitely means that Paris Hilton and Larry Birkhead are absolutely, 100% doing it with each other all the time and probably right now.

Look, one picture of two people talking in a nightclub doesn't especially mean that anything romantic is going on between them – not when there's a far more logical explanation available. You see, Paris Hilton recently lost most of her billion-dollar inheritance when her grandfather decided to give 97% of it to charity. And Larry Birkhead's daughter Dannielynn might eventually be the recipient of the $474 million that Anna Nicole Smith was fighting for from her marriage to that old rich bloke. Yes? You're starting to get it?

It means that Paris Hilton wants to be Dannielynn's granddaughter. Obviously.

Read more:

New Year and new man for Paris: Socialite cosies up to Anna Nicole Smith's ex – Daily Mail 

Not that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing anything particularly romantic in public, of course – at the moment the pair of them have only set tongues wagging by talking to each other in Las Vegas nightclubs two nights in a row. However, given the difficulty that they both have forming even rudimentary sentences without getting nosebleeds from concentrating too hard, we should obviously take this fact alone as a sign that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing it and in love and want to get married right away. Even if none of that is true. 

But let's just assume that it is true, because it's January 2 and bugger all else has happened today.

Since splitting up with Britney Spears, Kevin Federline hasn't had an awful amount of luck in the romance department. Not only was he sexually rejected by Lindsay Lohan – literally making him the only man on the planet, living or dead, to have accomplished this – but he hasn't got any bitches pregnant for two years, either. Given his 'one baby a year' policy, this must mean that Kevin Federline's testicles are twitching like Michael Douglas' face at the end of Falling Down. Either Kevin Federline gets someone pregnant soon or there'll be a messy explosion that nobody will want to clean up, even under pain of death.

And since Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton keep getting spotted out and about together, we're starting to worry that all Kevin wants to do is plough Paris' ovaries like some sort of disgusting combine harvester piloted by a cackling gynaecologist. According to reports, heads in Las Vegas are being turned by the near-constant sight of Kevin Federline partying with Paris Hilton. People reports:

On Sunday, the duo partied together for the second night running. Both were in town to host separate New Year's Eve parties – hers at LAX, his at Tangerine – but each name attraction started celebrating early, hitting LAX on Saturday and Pure Nightclub on Sunday. A source close to Federline told PEOPLE that the two hung out in Hilton's room Saturday after leaving the club. 

While obviously this alone is no proof that Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline are romantically entangled, we honestly don't have anything better to do than assume they are – and that begs the question of why they're even together.

Remember that any girlfriend Kevin Federline has will effectively act as a part-time mother-figure for Kevin's children Sean Preston and Jayden James, so is Paris Hilton suitable for that? Probably not, since we're sure we saw an episode of The Simple Life once where she accidentally lashed a baby to a warhead and fired it an orphanage. Admittedly that's slightly more responsible that anything that Britney Spears has ever managed, but still.

Perhaps, though, this potential relationship in the making has nothing to do with children and it's all just an epic meeting of minds. After all, they both have things to gain from each other – Kevin gets to strike off one more name from his list of dumb Hollywood blondes that he wants to bone, and Paris knows that the only way to get over the loss of a billion-dollar inheritance is to hook up with a shit-thick redneck. So, even if there is something to this rumour, we can't see Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline lasting.

That is unless Kevin Federline has only attached himself to Paris Hilton to make his music career look comparatively decent. In which case we can only salute the man's stone-cold genius.

Read more: 

Paris Hilton & Kevin Federline Party in Las Vegas – People

For the last five years, Celine Dion has performed her A New Day concert 717 times at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. It was a win-win really, because the show earnt Celine Dion over $100 million while simultaneously keeping her too busy to hawk her screechingly overbearing power ballads to anyone else as a result. But all good things must end, and so Celine Dion just has performed her last show in Las Vegas. Now Celine Dion is going to take her show around the world, and it's progress will be traced by military technology – you'll be able to see which country Celine Dion is in at any point by watching droves of people with their fingers jammed into their ears hurling themselves into the sea via satellite.

We've never won big in Las Vegas, but we're mostly positive that if we did, our first thought wouldn't be "Quick! Let's blow this new-found fortune buying tickets to see a horse-faced woman sing that song out of Titanic even though we'd happily blowtorch our ears to crispy bacon if it meant we'd never hear it again!" However, it appears that many people disagree with us.

Since 2003, Celine Dion has been holed up in a specially-built Caesar's Palace theatre selling $400 million in tickets to three million people all clamouring to see if Celine Dion's already-impressively high annoyance level could be increased by surrealist dancers and a mime. Celine Dion's concert A New Day has broken so many records and won so many awards that most people were probably hoping that she'd decide to keep it running for decades until she could retire a rich, weirdly large-packaged, old woman.

But it isn't to be, because Celine Dion performed her last Las Vegas show on Saturday night, and she used the show as an opportunity to ramble on and on and on about everything that floated into her head, a bit like she did on X Factor a couple of weeks ago but without Dermot O'Leary to shut her up. According to BBC News, Celine Dion told the crowd:

"At one point, it was like feeling like the Titanic was about to sink again. But we believed and we went on with it… The vibe was not that positive for us. Most of us have left our families behind to give ourselves every night. I can assure you it was worth it."  

Now if you'd just earnt over $100 million singing the same songs again and again, chances are you'd want to take an extended break, perhaps to see what's the most disgusting thing a homeless person will do for $100 – but not Celine Dion. Starting on Valentine's Day, Celine Dion is going on an 11-month world tour starting in South Africa and coming to the UK in May, where she'll attempt to sing all her favourite songs without the emotional support of that mime bloke acting out all of her lyrics in an overdramatic way.

But don't be upset if you're going to Las Vegas and you're worried that you won't catch a decent show now that Celine Dion is gone. Taking her place will be Bette Midler, who has her own show named Look At Me! I Was In What Women Want And The Stepford Wives (Not The First One, The Rubbish One With Nicole Kidman).

Read more:

Dion Ends Five-Year Vegas Stint – BBC 

That's according to OJ Simpson, at least – faced with a stack of felony charges that will see him spend the rest of his life in jail, OJ Simpson decided yesterday at a Las Vegas arraignment that he didn't actually have anything to do with any of it. OJ Simpson has pleaded not guilty to all 12 felony charges against him, on the basis that he only burst in on some unsuspecting sports memorabilia dealers with a gang of men in some sort of amateurish raid operation because they stole his shit and he only wanted his shit back. This argument means that the OJ Simpson trial – set for April – could set all manner of legal precedents for any other future angry shit-based misunderstandings that American citizens may wander into.

April 7 is a significant day for all sorts of reasons – it's the anniversary of the invention of the internet, the invention of LSD, the invention of the World Health Organisation and the French adoption of the metre as a basic measurement of length. Plus it's Jackie Chan's birthday.

But April 7 2008 will be one of the most momentous April 7s in all of history. Not just because all of the above will be combined when Jackie Chan drops acid one metre away from the World Health Organisation headquarters and puts a video of it on YouTube, but because that's when OJ Simpson will start his armed robbery trial.

Yesterday at an arraignment in Las Vegas, OJ Simpson was asked to enter a plea for all the massive list of felony charges that he earnt by apparently raiding a hotel room with gun-wielding men back in September. Those charges against OJ Simpson run through everything from armed robbery to assault to kidnapping and back again, and Simpson is likely to spend the rest of his life in jail if he's found guilty.

Which he won't, by the way, because OJ Simpson told the court that he's completely not guilty. Following the arraignment – where a trial date of April 7 was set – OJ Simpson's lawyer Yale Galanter told reporters:

"Mr. Simpson is glad that the arraignment is over with. He is glad that he doesn't have to come back to Vegas until April."

Not that the intervening time will be spent lazing around writing other hypothetical books about how he did all sorts of immoral and illegal things that he definitely didn't do, though – putting a solid defence together against what seems like an open and shut case is going to take a lot of graft.

Because, as OJ Simpson's preliminary hearing established, most of OJ's goon-gang have decided to testify against him in court in return for lighter sentencing. According to them, OJ Simpson wanted lots of guns for the raid, even though he denied their existence as soon as it was all over. 

Not that all's completely lost for OJ Simpson, though – several of those testifying against him are either furtive pimps, known liars, criminals or oddballs with inexplicable ulterior motives like getting Jack Nicholson to star in the movie of their life. So that'll provide OJ Simpson's defence with at least something to attack.

But that's all for April. And until then, we're all just going to have to wait patiently for the blazing, televised, two-month OJ Simpson trial to begin. Oh, we can't bear going that long without hearing about anyone stealing anyone else's shit. April better come soon or we'll start stealing our own shit. And that's going to be even less pretty than it sounds.

Read more:

OJ Pleads Not Guilty – E! Online

You know, like how Ellen DeGeneres cancelled taping her show in NYC, Julia Louis-Dreyfus picketed arm in arm with Wanda Sykes, Garth Brooks cancelled his TV appearances, and so on. 

But all of these people are total poseurs because if you really want to support a cause, you develop a life-threatening chronic illness that causes you to cancel shows for months on end disappointing lonely middle-aged women everywhere like Wayne Newton has done. Wayne Newton and his virus-ridden heart are the only celebrity making any real sacrifices here.  

The rest of you people just make us sick. 

Legendary singer Wayne Newton has a big heart. We don’t mean that he sings to blind amputee orphan leper children or wipes spilled tanker oil off of baby seals with his silky shirts, but he literally has a big heart. Wayne Newton has a heart condition known as cardiomyopathy, so his heart is bigger than it should be. And if you know anything about the human body you know that the heart is pretty important as far as bodily organs go, so it’s understandable that Wayne Newton would be forced to cancel his Las Vegas shows for the next two months.

However, such cancellations should be appended with warnings of swerving mini-vans and all chocolates being sold out of stores due to the severe depression of middle-aged women that have been planning a trip to Las Vegas to see Wayne Newton with their Weight Watchers support group for months.  

Anyway, it turns out that Wayne Newton apparently contracted a virus during a USO tour in Afghanistan that has led to his unfortunate condition. That sucks for him, really. Seriously, we could understand if he got the disease as punishment for his awful showing on Dancing With The Stars, but not for this. Such an event makes us even more grateful that Paris Hilton isn’t going to Rwanda where she could contract some horrible parasite that would fester in her brain and make it impossible to make albums or say ridiculously stupid things on Larry King Live or do anything at all. Yeah, that’d be real bad.   

But, hey, don’t you go writing your sympathies for Wayne Newton just yet, because he’s got a few things to say about the matter: 

“This is just another little bump in the road. The doctors are a little more concerned than I am. Part of their concern is that I feel so good—I’m not taking this lightly.” 

And if you’re one of those people rooting for Wayne Newton to choke to death as you watch the sputum overflow from his mouth and collect in his chest hair and belly button, then first of all shame on you for thinking such things, and second of all, Mr. Las Vegas has a few words for you, too: 

“I really want to apologise to the fans that were going to see me in those shows. I’m terribly apologetic. And for those who want to paint this situation with a black brush, they’re not going to get their wish. I’m going to be fine.” 

It is really such a relief to hear that Wayne Newton is going to be fine. Not only because heart disease is a horrific ordeal, but because a sexier 65-year-old barrel-chested, girdle-strapped man with teasing peeks at chest hair we have yet to find.