After Kim Kardashian split with her husband after an incredibly short period, now Sinead O’Connor is in on the act ending her marriage to Barry Herridge after a paltry 16 days. She was wed in Vegas on December 8 and call it a day on Christmas Eve.
It feels like there’s something stirring.
Like what? Well, we have a theory. Our celebrities are getting married and then making a sham of it. There can only be one reason for this. No. Not because they’re all entitled lunatic who shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house. Rather, they’re doing because of the gays.
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Sinead O’Connor is a brilliantly mental person to have about the place isn’t she? Rallying against The Pope, becoming a priest, being a Rastafarian and, most lately, asking people on Twitter to come ’round her house and bum her.
Seriously. Did you miss all that? Good ol’ Sinead was demanding a parade of young studs to enter her house, via the backdoor. It was marvellous, it really was very special.
And now, to cap off a wonderful few months back on the radar, she hasn’t done something stupid like release a record, but rather, buggered off to Las Vegas with a fella and done a drive-thru wedding. Fantastic. Just brilliant.
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You remember Paris Hilton, don’t you? Come on readers. Try a bit harder. She’s that night vision girl that you’ve seen performing fellatio on a man with no personality. No? She’s tall… blonde… denser than the singularity of a black hole? No? Really? She’s the heir to the Hilton hotel chain and- frankly- if you still don’t remember who she is then you might as well click on the little ‘x’ in the corner of your browser and save us all some trouble.
However, after a year spent only riding one penis as though it’s a disappointed bucking bronco, Hilton and her boyfriend of a year and a half Cy Waits have ”amicably” decided to end their relationship.
Still- no relationship really ends amicably, does it? Sure, you can try to remain friends and make sure that the people closest to you don’t have any sense of awkwardness or worse, feel as though they have to pick sides but regardless of these efforts, someone always comes out of it badly and looking like a petty scumbag.
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Think about musicians who have done a residency at Las Vegas and you’ll immediately think of Elvis Presley when he piled an impressive amount of weight on, sweating in his XXXL jumpsuit, cape and adult nappy.
Other famous Vegasites have been Englebert Humperdink, Tom Jones, Celine Dion, Barbra Streisand… and now, Fatboy Slim.
You heard that correctly. Fatboy Slim is to take his brand of cartoon dance music to Vegas so people can waft their furs at him, gangsters drinking cognac (and wonder what the godawful racket is) and gambling pensioners in see-thru visors can do their best to ignore the build up in the middle of Rockerfella Skank.
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Las Vegas is Paris Hilton’s spiritual home. They share so much in common – both rich, both vacuous.
Both have housed several men. However, there’s one thing that Paris Hilton and Las Vegas don’t share in common, and that’s their cocaine policy. If there’s any truth in her recent arrest, then it would appear that Paris Hilton likes cocaine – or at least carrying cocaine that she didn’t know about in a bag that wasn’t hers – quite a lot. Meanwhile, Las Vegas nightclubs are so jumpy about drug arrests that they don’t like cocaine at all. And because of this, it looks like Paris Hilton might find herself effectively being banned from Las Vegas before too long.
And that’d be a crying shame. After all, if there’s one thing that Las Vegas doesn’t have enough of, it’s mentally vacant blonde girls with an inflated sense of entitlement. What’ll it do without her?
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People are sick. We’ve thought long and hard about this, and the only sensible conclusion is that people are sick.
Take Las Vegas. People visit Las Vegas to spend all day standing around in a flashing, migraine-inducing, artificial air-filled casino that’s been designed with the express intention of getting people to part with every penny they own as effectively as possible.
And then, once they’ve lost everything in a series of games that they were statistically never going to win anyway, they go and see Celine Dion. Celine Dion, for crying out loud. And if you’re one of these sick idiots in question, you’ll be pleased to know that Celine Dion is going back to Las Vegas for another three-year residency. Weirdos.
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If there’s one thing that Jennifer Lopez loves, it’s starring in hopeless romantic comedies that are only enjoyed by hairdressers and idiots.
But if there’s another thing that Jennifer Lopez loves, it’s getting married. Jennifer Lopez loves getting married so much that she’ll quite off marry someone completely unsuitable just so she can divorce him and get married to someone else a few months later.
However, Jennifer Lopez made quite the schoolboy error when she married Marc Anthony – a man she actually seems to quite like. Because now it looks like they’ll never get divorced and Jennifer Lopez won’t be able to feed her compulsive marriage addiction. Unless, of course, Jennifer Lopez opted for the methadone of the wedding world instead, and just pointlessly renewed her vows to Marc Anthony instead. So she’s done that.
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Long have we wondered what Michael Jackson’s next career move would be.
Will he make another album? Will he start a charity to help the big-nosed poor? Will he be another ride at Disney Land? Perhaps one where he puts roller-skates on his hands and feet and rolls about the room in a crab-walk type style with a saddle on his belly, and your height has to be below Mickey’s hand to climb on board?
Well we can tell you – he’s gonna be a Vegas attraction. It’s been rumored before, but this time it’s different. This time he could be working directly for the mortgage company that just bought the $23 million dollar loan for his Neverland Ranch.
It’s perfect timing too, really, since Celine Dion just left Vegas and they are the exact same proportions, he could just use her costumes.
Now that’s economic efficiency!
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