Without question, Larry King has the easiest job in the world. But even easy jobs can become boring.

Especially when you’ve been doing it for a while. And Larry King has been doing it for a while. Although he started presenting his daily CNN show before modern records began, physicists have used carbon dating to estimate that it’s been going since roughly the times of the Vikings. The number of public figures that Larry King has interviewed stretches well into the thousands, and the number of genuinely taxing questions he’s asked them stretches to about four.

But now it’s emerged that Larry King is going to quit his CNN show. Don’t look too pleased, though. His replacement could well be Piers Morgan. Yeesh.

Whatever you think of it, you have to admit that Larry King Live performed an invaluable function. Without Larry King, incredibly minor celebrities would have nobody to turn to when they wanted to apologise for whatever dumb crap they’ve just done. Dog The Bounty Hunter and Chris Brown and both Gosselins and that beauty queen with the sex tape who hates the gays -  they’ve all found the time to wail about their flaws on Larry King’s show before waddling off to sleep outside Al Sharpton‘s bedroom window for as long as it takes him to get bored and forgive them.

But lately, Larry King has been the celebrity in the spotlight. Thanks to news of his divorce, and the allegations that he’d been having an affair with his wife’s sister, and the rumours of his wife’s subsequent suicide attempt, had become bigger than most of the people he interviewed. Plus, you know, you can only interview so many shitpot celebrities before the urge to lean over the desk and pummel them to within an inch of their life becomes too much to bear. So maybe that had something to do with it as well. The LA Times reports:

After a quarter century as host of “Larry King Live,” the centerpiece of CNN’s prime-time lineup and a required stamping ground for striving politicians and contrite celebrities, the 76-year-old announced Tuesday that he will be leaving the program this fall… “The daily grind is tough,” King said in a phone call.

Still, let’s not forget that Larry King is an old man, and so if he leaves, then he should absolutely be allowed to do… hang on. Isn’t Piers Morgan going to take his place? No! Larry King must host his show until he dies! Until AFTER he dies! CNN should buy his corpse and just prop it up in a chair while Angelina Jolie drones on at him about her humanitarian work or whatever. It might stink out the studio a bit, but it’d work. Anything but Piers Morgan, seriously.

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10 – The end of the actual world: coming sooner than you think - Asylum

9 – Katie Holmes undergoes an internal software upgrade – AmyGrindhouse

8 – That’s DOCTOR Ozzy Osbourne to you – Slantedscience

7 - What’s that? You want to see a child having his teeth pulled out BY A ROCKET? Oh, fine, whatever – Geekologie

6 - World Cup: pundit appraisal – WatchWithMothers

5 – World Cup: something scary that might make your eyes bleed – McMental

4 - Boardwalk Empire might look like the most exciting thing ever made, but what about the clothes in it? – Clothesonfilm

3 – Larry King: Possibly the world’s greatest Twitterer – Buzzfeed

2 – The motion capture thing for the Xbox looks RUBBISH - Cracked

1 – And finally, the weather…

It’s always good to have a chance to slap down a young, upstart colony.

So we’ve let the US have their few hundred years of fun, with their constitution and their hamburgers and their total monopoly over low and high culture internationally, but this? Pretending they’re interested enough in football to not only cobble together a World Cup team but then – the audacity – not capitulate immediately to a 10-0 tonking at their masters’ hands? How incredibly dare they.

“Something must be done,” muttered the nation as Robert Green sullenly plucked the ball from the net and our inferior American cousins whooped and hollered as if they had any comprehension of what had just occurred. But good old Great British justice was swift. The US had wronged us, and they must pay. And there’s only one punishment fit for this crime:  They must receive unto their shores the grim spectre that is… Piers Morgan.

That’s right! Half-human-half-Jabba oleaginous berk Morgan has, according to The Telegraph, signed a £5.5 million, four-year deal to take over Larry King‘s long-running chatshow/shamed celebrity confession booth on CNN.

You read right. Four years. That’s four years those Yank scallywags will have to put up with Piers Morgan oozing his fetid charm-slime all over horrified starlets and impassive Congressmen. Four years where his wobbling jowls will self-righteously park themselves in the middle of judging panels on innumerable talent shows, and proceed to quack criticism at dead-eyed singing children and borderline whack-job variety acts. Four years where he will not be here.

Take that, America! Trying to beat us at our own game, are you? Well, we’ve been making smug bastards since the Crusades and it’s time for you to sample our finest wares.

The transfer of a Premier League tossbag like Piers Morgan to the States is the continuation of a fine tradition of British arsehole-exporting. We’ve successfully removed the Posh Spice irritant from our green and pleasant land, and if we play our cards right, those N-Dubz hooligans will soon be texting death threats exclusively to women called Darleene and Cletusella as they attempt to flog their casual misogyny and funny hats on the sidewalks of the US.

But Piers Morgan is the mother-lode: the H-bomb of rank that will ensure those Merrrcan fiends will start to behave in a manner more befitting a nation that is dangerously close to getting its botty smacked. And if they even think about besting us in a sporting arena again: James Corden is loaded in the torpedo tube ready to launch across the Atlantic, and he’s got his belly out.

God help them all.

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10 - Children’s drawings painted realistically. This is beautiful – Geekologie

9 - British electorate, you are incredibly stupid – YouTube

8 - Zoe Saldana Wants To Pee While Standing Up. Yes, that’s the actual headline – AmyGrindhouse

7 – The first leaders election debate, through the eyes of a genius – Thehospitalclub

6 - That awful Tiger Woods advert gets the voiceover it deserves – YouTube

5 – Girls who get too jealous go blind. Scientific fact - Asylum

4 - We meant to direct you to these several weeks ago, but forgot. These Lost recaps are very funny indeed – Bestweekever

3 - Horrible, horrible fantasy book covers – Goodshowsir

2 - Now THIS is why Larry King gets so many women - Buzzfeed

1 - As an aside, if even a single one of you become turned on by this video lecture by a flirting coach, especially his line about blueberries – we swear to god, you’re no longer welcome here…

It appears that Larry King and his wife are keen to call off the divorce that they announced last week.

This is either brilliant news or terrible news. It could be terrible news because everybody knows that Larry King collects divorces, and getting eight of the little fellas would have marked an all-time personal best for him. If this divorce falls through, then Larry King will have to resort to his fall-back collections – of liver spots and personal memories of the 16th century. They’re good collections, but they’re not great collections.

But it could just as easily be brilliant news. After all, if Larry King has managed to convince his wife not to divorce him – after he reportedly had sex with her sister – then it’s a stone-cold testament to the raw sexual magnetism of Larry King. Oh don’t deny it, he turn you on too.

Less than a week ago it looked like it was all over for Larry King and his wife Shawn Southwick. He filed for divorce, then she filed for divorce, and before you knew it people were claiming that he’d been sticking it to her sister for the last five years. But how can you stay mad at a sexual rhinoceros like Larry King? You can’t – sure, he might upset you sometimes, but only a fool would let an untamed pneumatic sex machine of his calibre slip through their fingers.

That’s why some are claiming that Larry King and Shawn Southwick have reunited. ABC News reports:

According to his lawyers, there’s a chance the media personality will call off his divorce with Shawn Southwick. “I think he’s very worried about seeing his children, being with his children,” Susan Carter told ABCNews.com. “He just loves his kids. That steers it more than anything else for him.” “There’s a 50-50 chance this divorce is not happening,” King’s lawyer Dennis Wasser told People.

We… we just don’t know how to react to this. On one hand, we suppose we should be pleased that Larry King has realised that divorce isn’t always the answer – in actual fact it’s only the answer seven times out of every eight – and that sometimes, rather than immediately calling in the divorce lawyers, it’s just better to work through problems, stick with the one you love and then screw them over in your will once you die.

But there’s also another part of us that feels a sense of deep sadness at this news. After all, now that Larry King is back with Shawn Southwick, we know that he can never be ours. You’re a lucky woman, Shawn. Not everyone can go to bed with a man who looks like a two-year-old Benjamin Button and smells like a mixture of Vicks VapoRub and Werther’s Originals, you know. Cherish him, Shawn, for you don’t know how lucky you are.

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Larry King notoriously has a thing for the ladies. And by ‘thing’, we mean ‘withered, shop-worn 76-year-old nutsack’.

But that still counts. Larry King has got married eight times now, and each one of them has ended in horrible failure. Why? We always assumed that Larry King only got married to women so that he could drink their spinal fluid in their sleep to keep him young, and then divorced them once he’d cleaned them out. But maybe we were wrong.

Maybe, as it’s being alleged, Larry King gets divorced because his wives discover his affairs with their sisters. According to reports, King had been enjoying a five-year relationship with Shannon Engemann, the sister of his wife Shawn Southwick. So now you have to imagine wrinkly old Benjamin Button toddler Larry King having frail, borderline nightmarish sex with not just one clenched-faced middle-aged woman, but two. You’re welcome, the internet.

Every sex scandal is different in its own way. With Tiger Woods you were forced to reconcile a man’s public image with his seedy private life. With David Letterman you had the looming shawdow of blackmail. Jesse James has its weird thrall to Nazism. Charlie Sheen has a rubbish fake moustache. And this rumoured new Larry King sex scandal is no different.

This is because when talking about a Larry King sex scandal you’re confronted with the indelible mental image of a pair of saggy 76-year-old buttocks forlornly thrusting backwards and forwards, and the same noise that Larry King makes as he’s trying to interrupt a guest to move to a break, repeated again and again to approximate the throes of sexual ecstasy. Oh, and also because he might be banging his sister-in-law.

When it was revealed that Larry King was getting divorced from his wife of 13 years Shawn Southwick yesterday, speculation was rife as to why. Maybe he couldn’t keep up with her youthful 50-year-old ways, or maybe she decided to find love with a man who doesn’t look like he smells of damp biscuits and ointment. But if current whispers are to be believed, the divorce might have something to do with Larry King’s rumoured five-year relationship with Shawn Southwick’s sister Shannon Engemann. MSNBC reports:

According to several sources close to the “Larry King Live” show, rumors that King was having an affair with his current wife’s sister have been a longtime issue. “For years, we were dealing with these rumors,” said one source. “We were always trying to do damage control on this situation… It’s surprising that it took this long to get out”.

It goes without saying, obviously, that these are just rumours. Nobody knows for sure whether Larry King had a sexual affair with his sister-in-law. Not least her sister-in-law herself, who has probably done everything in her power to wipe that harrowing memory from her brain by downing a mixture of booze, prescription drugs and toilet bleach at regular intervals since the affair started. We’re not saying she has done that, mind you, but that’s what we’d do if we let a grisly old man like Larry King put his erect penis anywhere near us. That’s all.

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Nothing makes Larry King feel young like the smell of a freshly-cleaned divorce court. Actually, that’s a lie.

Nothing makes Larry King feel young. Larry King is very old. But he likes getting divorced anyway, which is just as well given that he’s either a terrible husband or he has terrible taste in women. It’s been announced that Larry King is heading for his eighth divorce, this time from wife of 13 years Shawn Southwick, with both parties citing irreconcilable differences.

That’s easy enough to believe, although it’s worth remembering that ‘irreconcilable differences’ can mean anything. For Larry King, it probably means that his marriage hit a stumbling block so large that it couldn’t be resolved by discussions with his spouse or a detached third party. And for Shawn Southwick it probably just means that she got fed up with feeling like an extra on the set of Cocoon all the time.

To the casual observer, it may seem as if Larry King gets divorced a lot – after all, today’s news that he’s seeking a divorce from his wife Shawn Southwick marks the eighth time that one of his marriages has terminally crumbled. But that isn’t strictly the truth. Take Pamela Anderson, for example. She’s 42 years old and she’s been through two divorces and an annulment – which works out at one failed marriage every 14 years.

Meanwhile Larry King is set for his eighth divorce. Given that he’s actually about 500 years old, that works out at one failed married every 62.5 years. And it doesn’t seem so bad when you look at it like that, does it?

Anyway, Larry King had been with his seventh wife (he married and divorced Alene Atkins twice, which explains the disparity) Shawn Southwick for 13 years, and he fathered two children with her. But now it’s all come to an end, and BBC News will now explain why:

US chat show host Larry King has filed for divorce from his seventh wife citing “irreconcilable differences”. Shawn Southwick, 50, filed her own petition hours later, citing the same reasons. Ms Southwick is seeking spousal support as well as the ownership of the couple’s home in Beverly Hills, California, and two properties in Utah. In his petition, King asks a judge not to award his wife spousal support.

You have to feel sorry for Larry King, don’t you? One suspects that his fondness for divorce is rooted in the unshakable knowledge that he’ll probably outlive anyone he’s ever married to and all of his children. He’s like Bicentennial Man, only a version of Bicentennial Man who looks like he might smell of mothballs and cough mixture.

Still, Larry shouldn’t get too downhearted about his latest divorce. After all, Elizabeth Taylor is still alive and kicking. And sooner or later they’re both going to be statistically the only person on Earth that the other one hasn’t got married to yet. You just can’t deny fate that strong.

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If you’re new to this, here’s a recap: Carrie Prejean made a sex tape when she was 17 and sent it to Larry King.

Or something. What with all the on-air tantrums and over-use of the word ‘inappropriate’ and solo sex tapes that are either illegal or just plain sexy, this Carrie Prejean kerfuffle is exploding off in so many directions that it’s become impossible to contain. What we need is someone to simplify everyone. Someone with an air of natural authority. Someone with a haircut that looks like a monkey’s matted stab wound. That’s right, we need Donald Trump.

And, because this is a thing that has happened and Donald Trump will shrivel up and die unless someone’s constantly paying attention to him, he’s obliged. Hooray.

Say what you like about Carrie Prejean, but she sure knows how to promote a book. In fact, we’re so impressed with Carrie Prejean’s promotional skills that when we come to pen our autobiography, we’re going to paint ourselves orange and make a grubby solo sex tape and then throw a half-hearted tantrum on Larry King’s show too. It’s textbook stuff.

But one question remains about Carrie Prejean. No, it’s not ‘when do we get to see that video of Carrie Prejean thrashing away at her genitals?’ and it’s not ‘why didn’t Carrie Prejean leave Larry King’s studio instead of just sitting there flapping her mouth around like some sort of awful bellend?’ – it’s ‘what does Donald Trump make of all this?’

It’s important to know what Donald Trump’s take on the Carrie Prejean saga is, for three reasons:

1) As the boss of the Miss USA pageant, Donald Trump has been inextricably linked to Carrie Prejean for some time now. In his time, Donald has both defended Carrie and sanctioned her sacking. He knows how she ticks.

2) Any time a news story reaches a certain level, a light starts blinking in Donald Trump’s office and he feels the necessity to start barking his barely-formed opinion about it into the nearest camera. This is a mark that the Carrie Prejean sex tape story has hit the big time.

3) Donald Trump knows that if he starts wading in on this issue, his profoundly odd appearance will act as a counter-balance to the general level of horniness surrounding the Carrie Prejean sex tape. Seriously, try to masturbate with an image of Donald Trump in the back of your mind without crying. It’s impossible.

That said, what does Donald Trump think of this Carrie Prejean mess? Let’s find out:

“‘Inappropriate’ is more of a sexual term, as far as I’m concerned…I mean — inappropriate? He asked a very, very easy question and I was surprised that she just didn’t say, ‘Hey, listen, I can’t answer that question.’ Instead she wants to walk off the stage? It was very surprising.”

So that’s that sorted out, then. Join us next week, when Sir Alan Sugar will rub his hands together, puff out his cheeks and shout the word “Cor!” a lot when he’s asked for his opinion about the Jennifer Lopez sex tape. Or something.

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Imagine you’re Chris Brown. Woah woah woah, that wasn’t an invitation to punch the woman nearest to you in the face.

Just cool your jets. Now, imagine you’re Chris Brown. You’ve been convicted of violently attacking Rihanna, so what’s the most important thing you can do? That’s right – keep quiet. And if you really have to do a TV interview, please don’t say that you can’t remember beating Rihanna up. Because, really, only a colossal numpty would try a tactic that ridiculously braindead.

Incidentally, that’s what Chris Brown said to Larry King recently. But it’s OK – he didn’t mean it.

The thing we like best about Chris Brown is his capacity to constantly surprise. We’re surprised that people like his insipid music, for example. And we’re constantly surprised whenever he fails to accidentally decapitate anyone with his giant building-sized teeth. But most of all, we’re surprised at Chris Brown’s endless array of excuses regarding the time he furiously beat Rihanna into a disgusting bloody lump.

Just to recap, Chris Brown has spent the last few months either apologising for the attack or denying it completely or half admitting it while promising that he isn’t a monster or explicitly admitting to it on the internet. But now that he’s been convicted for it, there’s nowhere left to run. Chris Brown has exhausted all of his options, and all that’s left for him to do is live with the heavy consequences of his ill-advised actions.

After all, it’s not as if he’s going to start telling people that he doesn’t know if he attacked Rihanna or not because he can’t remember, is it? Because that would be stupid, wouldn’t it? Jaw-droppingly stupid. One of the stupidest things that anyone has ever attempted in the history of mankind, in fact. What’s that? He did what? Oh…

Actually, we take that back. Trying to claim that he couldn’t remember beating Rihanna up isn’t the stupidest thing that Chris Brown could have done. Trying to claim that he couldn’t remember beating Rihanna up while wearing a ridiculous powder-blue bowtie is the stupidest thing that Chris Brown could have done. Please excuse our inaccuracy.

But while we were ready to believe Chris Brown’s foggy recollection that his violent assault on a woman was “like, wow,” he’s now decided to come clean and admit that actually he can remember thumping her senseless, as People reports:

“That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview, and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said… Of course I remember what happened. Several times during the interview, my mother said that I came to her right afterwards and told her everything. But it was and still is a blur.”

It’s obviously annoying when a TV show takes you out of context by broadcasting all the words you said in the order that you said them unedited in response to a direct question from a trusted newsman. But at least Chris Brown can reassure himself that this is as bad as it gets. He’s out of excuses now, so he’s resigned to living with the truth.

You know, at least until the next time he appears on TV and tells everyone that Rihanna was actually beaten up by a gang of rabid street-unicorns. It’ll happen.

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Hulk Hogan really should stick to the things he knows get people on his side.

Rip your flimsy vest off and expose us to your leathery pectorals, stomp around huffing and puffing and generally be unable to wrestle. That’s the Hulk Hogan we know and love. Though, to be honest, that kind of behaviour has become embarrassing over the last decade or so.

But one thing you shouldn’t – you absolutely should not - do is to say that your son ruining the life of a friend through reckless driving is “God’s will.” Just as Hulk did the other day. Oops.

But it’s okay, as Hogan travelled to the Larry King Live show to explain that he was simply keeping his son sane. Which makes the whole thing perfectly alright; as we’re sure any normal person would surely agree.

But no – the selfish, evil parents of the now-vegetative John Graziano are not happy with Terry Bollea’s simple explanation. They have even gone so far as to claim that Hulk’s tears, shed at the end of the King broadcast, were not genuine. The nerve of some people…

In a statement released through the family lawyer, the Graziano family told TMZ.com:

“No matter how he tried to spin it, no matter how he tried to cry at the end, it wasn’t going to change people’s minds.”

Change their minds as to what? That Hulk is grasping at straws trying to piece together what’s left of his public image? Because hecklerspray certainly hasn’t changed its opinion one bit. Don’t worry Graziano family – we still think he’s pathetic in his attempts to defend his frankly indefensible little prick of a son, and we certainly won’t be swayed by a few choice words on a popular US talkshow.

If Hulk Hogan were to once again step in the ring with the Ultimate Warrior, however, then maybe we’d have a case for changing our collective hive-mind.

Aside from Hulk speaking what is widely believed to be utter tosh, the Graziano family also took issue with the fact that they were not invited to King’s show to put forward their side of the story. But to be fair, that’s to be expected – how is the Hulkster supposed to cry when he has a family, torn apart by the actions of his own son glaring at him? The fools.

Anyway, let this be a lesson, Hulk Hogan: don’t say things like this if you apparently don’t mean them. Especially if you know the conversation is being recorded. It saves you a whole bunch of hassle.

This time last year Hulk Hogan was probably a very happy (and large) man.

He had a wife, two kids, a huge house, a reality TV show, legions of adoring fans and an incredible moustache. Life was rosy for ol’ Terry, king of the Legdrop of Doom.

Then his prat of a son went and crashed his car while travelling at silly speeds, making a vegetable out of a good friend. Not content with ruining both his and his friend’s lives, young Nick Bollea went on to be incarcerated and was placed in solitary. Obviously, the Hulkster wasn’t too happy with this, but he kept up a brave front.

But while all this was going on, Hulk’s wife, Linda Bollea, decided she didn’t want to be married to the big man anymore and filed for divorce, demanding half of everything. Did we mention Hulk was also getting sued around this point for his son’s crash? No? Well, yes – that too.

Basically, Hogan’s life managed to go from rosy to a bag of shit in just a few months, and no amount of gesticulating towards the crowd for them to fill his ear lugs with life-affirming cheering was going to fix things. Even though it helped no end against the likes of Andre the Giant and the Macho Man.

But it hasn’t stopped there – and why should it? When life takes a dump on you, it really does strain as much fecal matter out as possible, just to see your reaction as you’re buried under piles of stinking turd. Hulk Hogan is still slowly realising that life is a complete and total fucker. As he decided to tell Larry King, in-between bouts of being a bit mental and religious.

See, Hulk had been calling Nick in solitary to keep the young tearaway sane. These calls had been recorded. Hulk was aware of this. Yet he was still surprised when they were released to the media. Hulk, Hulk, Hulk – when will you learn? After the storm of crud you’ve been weathering for the last year or so, how did you not realise this would happen? But he didn’t, as these words he uttered to Larry show:

“This was the only thing Nick had left. This is the privacy everybody had in prison… and to have that taken away? I was more worried than ever about his mental state.”

But what about the fact the Hulkster was clearly telling his son how to turn the public to his side? Surely he would back down on this, accept he was in the wrong and move on, admitting a mistake? No, he just brought God into it:

“I was trying to help [to] give Nick some type of relief because he [was] consumed with the unknown. I was just trying to explain to him that it’s ‘God’s hands’ or it’s ‘God’s will.’”

Which clearly shows that God hates Nick Bollea. Which is understandable, really.

So could it get any worse for Hogan? Well, yes, as it turned out that his soon-to-be-ex-wife is currently dating a 19-year-old ex-schoolmate of his son and daughter, Brooke.

And what did young Brooke have to say on the issue?

“I’m totally freaked out. This is really weird. I personally don’t like it at all or condone it.”

So there you go. The Hogans are pretty screwed up, really.

When it comes to telling people about good weed, Snoop Dogg is the man. Or, if you wanna be street like hecklerspray, then he’s da man – right kids?

Either way he’d clearly be a good man to turn to in times of need – you’ve got to give him his dues. Also, if you ever felt yourself thinking "I really want to listen to someone who can spell out their name in a variety of different ways," then Snoop Dogg is definitely da man – he has spent his entire career seemingly doing little else than pushing back the boundaries of that particular art form – you really do have to give him his dues.

But is Snoop Dogg da man to turn to when looking for advice on the Democratic preliminaries? Shall we find out? Yeah, let’s find out.

In an interview with CNN’s Larry King – aired on Friday 9pm – Snoop Dogg said:

“I just want to see somebody win in the best interest of America — whether it be [Obama], a black man, or whether it be Hillary, a woman, either one is a great move for America.”

Just like to thank Snoop there for confirming to any doubters out there that Hilary Clinton is indeed a woman. Keep going Dogg:

“We need change. We need somebody in there that's about listening to the people and representing the people. I think both of the candidates will do that.”

Can you actually believe this man duetted with Rage Against the Machine? What were they thinking? Sorry, Dogg, keep going:

“In the past we had presidential candidates like [Rev.] Jesse Jackson. We didn't really think he can win. Right now people feel like this man could really win. He's got the right thing going for him. He's got the right conversation.”

That’s all very well, but could you try and be a bit more vague?

“He's in line with the right scenario to win. Whether he wins or loses, he made a great step for black America by even stepping to the table and pulling off something like this – I'm not down with the Republican Party or the Democratic Party. I represent the Gangsta Party."

Yes. He represents the Gangsta party, who – it turns out – vote for the Democratic Party. The Democrats – a party who have invested millions upon millions in the war against drugs, and have been known to give marijuana dealers sentences that outstretch that of a paedophile. How do you spell sell-out, Snoop? We’re sure you can think of some ways.

If you remain a fan of Snoop, even after this career-ending article, then you may be interested to know that he releases his ninth studio album, Ego Trippin, on March 17, which may include the rapping skills of David Beckham.

Read more: 

Snoop Dogg torn between Obama, Clinton – CNN

Dr Jan Adams, the embattled plastic surgeon who operated on Kanye West's mother Donda West right before she died, isn't precisely doing himself any favours at the moment.

Although Donda West's coroner's report hasn't pinpointed a cause of death yet, blame has still so far been mostly laid at the feet of Dr Jan Adams – the plastic surgeon, TV show presenter and reported occasional drink-driver whose operation may have played some part in Donda West's untimely death. Dr Jan Adams has yet to put his side of the story across, but that was supposed to change on last night's Larry King. That was until Jan Adams decided that actually he didn't want to talk about Donda West at all, before tearing off his earpiece and walking out of the interview, thanks to either compassion, an attorney's letter from the West family or the jarring realisation that he was missing Dancing With The Stars.

OK, it was the second one.

Larry King's doing OK for scoops at the moment, isn't he? Securing Paris Hilton's first post-jail interview, breaking the news that Marie Osmond's son is in rehab – and if that's not enough, Barry Manilow's going to be on Larry King soon, although that's something we'll deal with when we've stopped hyperventilating from all this giddy excitement.

And last night Larry King played host to one of the most bewildering television interviews of all time; as Dr Jan Adams, the man who did a tummy tuck and breast-reduction on Kanye West's mother Donda before she apparently died of complications, appeared on Larry King to announce that he, um, wasn't going to appear on Larry King.

Ostensibly Dr Jan Adams had sought out a Larry King interview to address alleged inaccuracies in press reports about him following Donda West's death last week – presumably all the mentions of Jan Adams' malpractice suits, his involvement in DUI cases, the restraining order that his ex-girlfriend reportedly took out on him, the claim by the woman who says that Adams got her drunk and knocked her up and possibly that rubbishy male The View that he played a part in.

But then, after being on camera for about a second, Dr Jan Adams decided that he didn't want to talk about Donda West's death, anything surrounding Donda West's death or – in fact – anything at all, prompting this odd little on-camera exchange between Larry King and Dr Jan Adams:

ADAMS: I had come here to talk about things in the press that aren't accurate about me. But I have a tremendous amount of love and respect for the West family. And they've asked me not to go on. And I've said from the very beginning, I don't have a side in this. They are my side. And so I'm going to respect their wishes. And I'm going to apologise to you because I think I'm taking up your air time. But I will not be on the show and I will not discuss any of that. I'm going to honour their wishes, OK?

KING: Meaning, you won't answer any questions about anything?

ADAMS: None. None.

KING: All right. Then how will — will you ever answer questions? I mean what — where does this go?

ADAMS: Well, I will talk with them…

KING: I'm not mentioning Mrs. West.

ADAMS: I will talk with them. When they're comfortable, then I'll be comfortable. If they're never comfortable, then I'll never be comfortable. They are what's important to me. I said that from the start and that's what I'll continue to honour.

KING: Then just a few things having nothing to do with them. Don't you want to speak out?

ADAMS: No.

KING: You don't want to?

ADAMS: No. I do not.

KING: All right.

Apparently, according to Jan Adams' attorney, the family of Donda West – who had been attending her funeral only hours before – had legally threatened to ask the California Medical Board to decertify him if he spoke about the incident on-air.

Meanwhile, in a previous interview with the Los Angeles Times, Dr Jan Adams put Donda West's death down to either a heart attack, pulmonary embolism or accidental overdose of painkillers, although it'll be the eventual coroner's report that will discover the genuine cause of death once and for all.

This messy Larry King interview isn't going to help Jan Adams' reputation at all, though, even if the coroner's report ultimately clears him of any wrongdoing. And that will be a grave blow to everyone who enjoyed watching his Discovery Health show Plastic Surgery: Before and After or reading his book Everything Women of Color Should Know About Cosmetic Surgery – that's right, both people.

If there's one thing sadder than seeing a grown man cry, it's seeing an overgrown, bright-orange man with a preposterous blonde mullet and leather waistcoat combination crying.

And if there's anything sadder than that, it's seeing an overgrown, bright-orange man with a preposterous blonde mullet and leather waistcoat combination openly wonder if he should commit suicide or bury himself in an unmarked grave like the slaves, which is how Dog The Bounty Hunter has spent most of this week to atone for the tape of him being racist about his son's black girlfriend. But even though his career is in tatters and he's become something of a public hate figure, Dog The Bounty Hunter says he's forgiven the son who shopped him in, and wants to prove his forgiveness by only spraying three full cans of bear mace into his son's face next time they meet, when the traditional family greeting involves five.

Ever since Mel Gibson set the rulebook on how to seek forgiveness for being unstoppably bigoted last year, it's been followed to the letter by the likes of Michael Richards and Isaiah Washington who know that to make amends they have to apologise to the public, then offended community leaders, then do some sort of rehabby course thing or make a violent historical epic with a script written in a dead language if things get really serious.

But Dog The Bounty Hunter is going over and above his call of duty to make amends for the now infamous Dog The Bounty Hunter 'nigger' tape which saw him throw out classy one-liners about his son's black girlfriend like:

"I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger and turned us into the Enquirer magazine… If Lyssa was dating a nigger we'd all say 'fuck you' and you know that." 

Lord knows that Dog The Bounty Hunter has his work cut out for him, because A&E has stopped making Dog The Bounty Hunter, stopped repeating Dog The Bounty Hunter and lost a bunch of Dog The Bounty Hunter advertisers. So now Dog is hitting the apology circuit as hard as he can, first telling Fox News that he's realised that he isn't black and now telling Larry King that no matter how much his career has been tainted forever by the tape of him, Dog has forgiven Tucker Chapman, the ex-con son who sold the tape to The Enquirer for $15,000:

"He will not talk to me. His mother's in on it with him. I have been away from her since the '80s so now she is like getting even… I tried to take control of his life. I heard this girl was maybe not being the best for Tucker — and I'll leave it like that — so I tried to interfere. I don't care if she is black at all. He's on parole for a 20 year sentence and if he messes up he goes back. All I want him to know is that I love him very much."

It seems as though Dog The Bounty Hunter is genuinely horrified at his behaviour and – aside from his new plans to be buried in an unmarked slave grave at George Washington's house so people will know that Dog The Bounty Hunter is sorry, possibly with some sort of elaborate grave-marking – he seems to be doing all he can to put things right.

And what could be better to speed this up than a public reconciliation between Dog The Bounty Hunter and his treacherous son? After all, if Dog can forgive Tucker then maybe the world can forgive Dog. And people from all ethnic backgrounds could come and witness the joyous family reconciliation and enter into the all-encompassing interracial spirit of forgiveness.

Well, all ethnic backgrounds except for the stinking Dutch, that is. But who likes them?

Like us, you've probably turned on the TV over the last few months and been frustrated at the lack of hulking angry red-faced lesbians spluttering and gasping any time anyone says something they even slightly disagree with.

If that's the case, well, we don't want you to get too excited here, but it looks like Rosie O'Donnell is going to be given her own show on MSNBC. It's early days yet, but rumour has it that Rosie O'Donnell is in negotiations to bounce back after her high-profile resignation from The View with a daily prime-time TV show where she'll be in direct competition with Larry King. Nothing's been confirmed yet, but it's thought that Rosie O'Donnell has already drawn up a shortlist of potential titles for her show, including I Hate Everything, Outta My Way Assholes and Has Anyone Else Noticed That Elisabeth Hasselbeck Doesn't Have Her Own Show? She Doesn't, I Checked. 

Although the ongoing American writer-strike looks set to tear the world of television apart, the truth is it hasn't been in great shape for a while. And we pin that firmly on the terrible state of daytime TV lesbians. What are daytime TV lesbians doing these days? Crying about bloody puppies, that's what. That's not what we want from daytime TV lesbians – if our daytime TV lesbians have been wronged by a puppy adoption agency we don't want them to cry, we want them to kill a larger animal each day and leave it on the adoption agency's doorstep until either a) the situation gets amended or b) the animal workers have to clear piles of dead pterodactyls from their front garden.

And, let's not kid ourselves, that's what Rosie O'Donnell would have done. Because when she was on The View, that's the sort of behaviour that Rosie O'Donnell did best. Starting fights with Donald Trump, calling everyone homophobes, goading Danny DeVito on to be more drunk, offending the entire population of the biggest country in the world and screaming outraged insults at anyone with a slightly differing viewpoint to her own, Rosie O'Donnell was The View.

But since her screeching split-screen showdown with right-wing idiot Elisabeth Hasselbeck saw her strop off The View forever in March, Rosie O'Donnell has hardly been on TV at all. There were rumours that Rosie wanted to host The Price Is Right, but CBS executives are said to have baulked when Rosie suggested that each show was prefaced by a 45-minute rant about how wanton consumerism is funding the war in Iraq. But now Rosie is back!

Almost, at least – and not a moment too soon. Before she starts devoting her life completely to filming squirrels and setting it to Edith Piaf soundtracks, it's been revealed that Rosie O'Donnell is in negotiations to get her own prime-time TV show on MSNBC, possibly scoring the 9pm slot that'd see her running against Larry King. That'd be perfect for Rosie O'Donnell, because – face it – given the choice of watching a woman raging about nothing for an hour or an old man asking Angelina Jolie the same question about the United Nations 700 times in a row, you'd pick Rosie. We all would. But let's not count our pudgy little chickens yet because, as one executive has said:

"It's far from a done deal."

We've heard there are a number of potential sticking points stopping Rosie O'Donnell's MSNBC show from happening. One is money, another is whether Rosie will go down as well with the highly educated, literate MSNBC audience as she did with the soft-brained viewers of The View who would start agreeing with a talking Mr T keyfob if it was given enough airtime.

And then there's the matter of counterpoint. Without someone to interject her ridiculous left-wing nonsense with even more ridiculous right-wing nonsense, there's a chance that Rosie O'Donnell could be left twisting in the wind somewhat. That's why we propose that MSNBC ships in Elisabeth Hasselbeck to team up with Rosie O'Donnell on the show. It'd be entertaining, plus it'd totally lay the foundations for that Rosie/Elisabeth remake of An Officer And A Gentleman that we've we waiting so patiently for.