Larry King - HecklerSpray

400-Year-Old Larry King Quits CNN Show

June 30th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Without question, Larry King has the easiest job in the world. But even easy jobs can become boring.

Especially when you’ve been doing it for a while. And Larry King has been doing it for a while. Although he started presenting his daily CNN show before modern records began, physicists have used carbon dating to estimate that it’s been going since roughly the times of the Vikings. The number of public figures that Larry King has interviewed stretches well into the thousands, and the number of genuinely taxing questions he’s asked them stretches to about four.

But now it’s emerged that Larry King is going to quit his CNN show. Don’t look too pleased, though. His replacement could well be Piers Morgan. Yeesh.

WEBTHUMP! 16 June 2010

August 6th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

10 – The end of the actual world: coming sooner than you think – Asylum

9 – Katie Holmes undergoes an internal software upgrade – AmyGrindhouse

8 – That’s DOCTOR Ozzy Osbourne to you – Slantedscience

7 – What’s that? You want to see a child having his teeth pulled out BY A ROCKET? Oh, fine, whatever – Geekologie

Brits Take Revenge On USA By Sending Piers Morgan There

June 14th, 2010 By Justrestingmyeyes

It’s always good to have a chance to slap down a young, upstart colony.

So we’ve let the US have their few hundred years of fun, with their constitution and their hamburgers and their total monopoly over low and high culture internationally, but this? Pretending they’re interested enough in football to not only cobble together a World Cup team but then – the audacity – not capitulate immediately to a 10-0 tonking at their masters’ hands? How incredibly dare they.

“Something must be done,” muttered the nation as Robert Green sullenly plucked the ball from the net and our inferior American cousins whooped and hollered as if they had any comprehension of what had just occurred. But good old Great British justice was swift. The US had wronged us, and they must pay. And there’s only one punishment fit for this crime:? They must receive unto their shores the grim spectre that is? Piers Morgan.

WEBTHUMP! 21 April 2010

August 6th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

10 – Children’s drawings painted realistically. This is beautiful – Geekologie

9 – British electorate, you are incredibly stupid – YouTube

8 – Zoe Saldana Wants To Pee While Standing Up. Yes, that’s the actual headline – AmyGrindhouse

7 – The first leaders election debate, through the eyes of a genius – Thehospitalclub

Larry King’s Billionth Divorce Might Be Off

April 20th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

It appears that Larry King and his wife are keen to call off the divorce that they announced last week.

This is either brilliant news or terrible news. It could be terrible news because everybody knows that Larry King collects divorces, and getting eight of the little fellas would have marked an all-time personal best for him. If this divorce falls through, then Larry King will have to resort to his fall-back collections – of liver spots and personal memories of the 16th century. They’re good collections, but they’re not great collections.

But it could just as easily be brilliant news. After all, if Larry King has managed to convince his wife not to divorce him – after he reportedly had sex with her sister – then it’s a stone-cold testament to the raw sexual magnetism of Larry King. Oh don’t deny it, he turn you on too.

Larry King: Shagging His Sister-In-Law? Ugh

April 16th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Larry King notoriously has a thing for the ladies. And by ‘thing’, we mean ‘withered, shop-worn 76-year-old nutsack’.

But that still counts. Larry King has got married eight times now, and each one of them has ended in horrible failure. Why? We always assumed that Larry King only got married to women so that he could drink their spinal fluid in their sleep to keep him young, and then divorced them once he’d cleaned them out. But maybe we were wrong.

Maybe, as it’s being alleged, Larry King gets divorced because his wives discover his affairs with their sisters. According to reports, King had been enjoying a five-year relationship with Shannon Engemann, the sister of his wife Shawn Southwick. So now you have to imagine wrinkly old Benjamin Button toddler Larry King having frail, borderline nightmarish sex with not just one clenched-faced middle-aged woman, but two. You’re welcome, the internet.

Larry King Divorces 250th Wife

April 15th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Nothing makes Larry King feel young like the smell of a freshly-cleaned divorce court. Actually, that’s a lie.

Nothing makes Larry King feel young. Larry King is very old. But he likes getting divorced anyway, which is just as well given that he’s either a terrible husband or he has terrible taste in women. It’s been announced that Larry King is heading for his eighth divorce, this time from wife of 13 years Shawn Southwick, with both parties citing irreconcilable differences.

That’s easy enough to believe, although it’s worth remembering that ‘irreconcilable differences’ can mean anything. For Larry King, it probably means that his marriage hit a stumbling block so large that it couldn’t be resolved by discussions with his spouse or a detached third party. And for Shawn Southwick it probably just means that she got fed up with feeling like an extra on the set of Cocoon all the time.

Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: But What Does Donald Trump Think?

November 13th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you’re new to this, here’s a recap: Carrie Prejean made a sex tape when she was 17 and sent it to Larry King.

Or something. What with all the on-air tantrums and over-use of the word ‘inappropriate’ and solo sex tapes that are either illegal or just plain sexy, this Carrie Prejean kerfuffle is exploding off in so many directions that it’s become impossible to contain. What we need is someone to simplify everyone. Someone with an air of natural authority. Someone with a haircut that looks like a monkey’s matted stab wound. That’s right, we need Donald Trump.

And, because this is a thing that has happened and Donald Trump will shrivel up and die unless someone’s constantly paying attention to him, he’s obliged. Hooray.

Chris Brown CAN Remember Beating Rihanna Senseless, So There

September 1st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Imagine you’re Chris Brown. Woah woah woah, that wasn’t an invitation to punch the woman nearest to you in the face.

Just cool your jets. Now, imagine you’re Chris Brown. You’ve been convicted of violently attacking Rihanna, so what’s the most important thing you can do? That’s right – keep quiet. And if you really have to do a TV interview, please don’t say that you can’t remember beating Rihanna up. Because, really, only a colossal numpty would try a tactic that ridiculously braindead.

Incidentally, that’s what Chris Brown said to Larry King recently. But it’s OK – he didn’t mean it.

The Hulk Hogan Saga: Volume MCVII

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Hulk Hogan really should stick to the things he knows get people on his side.

Rip your flimsy vest off and expose us to your leathery pectorals, stomp around huffing and puffing and generally be unable to wrestle. That’s the Hulk Hogan we know and love. Though, to be honest, that kind of behaviour has become embarrassing over the last decade or so.

But one thing you shouldn’t – you absolutely should not – do is to say that your son ruining the life of a friend through reckless driving is “God’s will.” Just as Hulk did the other day. Oops.