There’s nothing weirder than finding people who are so obsessed with something that they’re willing to go to any length of internet-based conflict in order to defend their nonsensical beliefs. It is a trait most often seen in fans of Muse, Twilight, INXS, Queen and, quite inexplicably, Larry David. There are few things that hecklerspray writers love more than these people. The ‘whine’ of fans.

And so we come to our weekly perusal of our post, the time that- for us- is the closest we’ll ever come to having sex with Ann Widdicombe. We approach the post bag with a mixture of terror and morbid curiosity with only a modicum of sexual excitement, we reach out our shaking, clammy paws.

Find out what becomes of us over the jump…

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Larry David, the man who’s brought us partially ad-libbed cringe comedy for the last THREE HUNDRED YEARS has told ESPN New York that he is still having fun filming Curb Your Enthusiasm. This statement flies in the face of criticism from some corners of the press which suggest that the show has lost its way.

David, responsible for being part of the team that brought us the equally diabolical Seinfeld, in which unlikeable cockhorse Jerry Seinfeld jogged through life in (admittedly wonderful) trainers while making bland observations about everyday occurrences.

This was all while his equally neurotic friends jogged their way miserably through their own lives, somehow finding them enriched by Jerry’s incessant bland observations.

Okay, so we know that Seinfeld wasn’t actually that bad but it’s what you get with hindsight. Angry.

On the subject of ‘Curb’ its creator told ESPN Radio New York host Mike Lupica that he can barely keep a straight face while filming scenes for the show. It must be really hard to see the obvious “bite moment” coming after eight years making a show.

“Well, I’ve always had fun doing the show, and I guess that’s why I keep doing it after eight years… It’s hard for me to do a take without laughing really.”

Yeah. Laughing all the way to the bank! (Sorry)

Curb Your Enthusiasm has previously examined Larry’s adoption plans and a (hopefully fictional) Seinfeld reunion, but David insists that the success of the show’s eighth run may be due to a lack of a story arc. That’s how all successful television works, of  course. By tearing out the story in favour of self-indulgent nonsense from a man who believes you should care about his life. After all, he did Seinfeld.

Not to paint Larry David as a bit of a cock but in a previous interview, he opened up about his personal life, revealing that he went off marriage following his 2007 divorce.

“It would be a silly thing [to marry again]… Why would I do it? Why would I want that contract? I already have kids. The best situation is being a single parent.

“The best part about it is that you get time off too, because the kids are with their mum, so it’s the best of both worlds. There’s a lot to be said for it.”

After all, it’s no father’s prerogative to want to spend as much time as he possibly can with his children. Who wouldn’t want to keep a woman around to win custody and act like an expensive babysitter. After all, Larry needs time off in his busy schedule to remind everyone that he was responsible for Seinfeld!

He had something to do with Seinfeld. Just in case you came close to forgetting. If you forget, Larry David will cut you while you sleep.

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You know what makes us randy? Environmental meltdown. Show us a bushfire and we’ll show you an erection.

Drowning polar bears? Basically porn. And, if rumours are to be believed, we’re not the only ones. Take Al Gore, for example. He spends so long staring at photos of oil slicks and slowing gulf streams and endangered animals that we wouldn’t forgive him for being the horniest man alive. He’d probably shag anything after discussing depleted fish stocks for an hour, and that could explain the claim that Al Gore’s marriage ended because of an affair with Larry David‘s ex-wife and fellow environmentalist Laurie David.

Fortunately Laurie David has denied the report, calling it “patently untrue”. In which case, congratulations to Al Gore – how one man can spend so long thinking about flood-induced refugees and not end up a total shagmachine is completely beyond us.

When Al Gore’s marriage collapsed recently after 40 years, we have to admit to being a little confused. After all, both Al Gore and his wife are old now, so why not just stick it out for a little longer and pray that you aren’t the first one to die? Surely after 40 years, another decade or two of total unrelenting misery will be a breeze. And, if not that then what about Al Gore’s stinking hippy of a son? Will nobody think of Al Gore’s stinking hippy of a son here?

But, no, Al Gore and his wife didn’t listen to solid gold common sense like this and split up. But why? Was it because Al Gore was secretly sticking it to Larry David’s ex-wife all along? Was it? WAS IT?

No, apparently no. But that didn’t stop a magazine from reporting that Al Gore and Laurie David had been having a two-year affair this week – rumours that have since been shot down by Laurie David herself. People reports:

“This report is completely, patently false,” says Dorian Karchmar, angrily rejecting the Star magazine report that the former vice president had been seeing David, a producer of Gore’s 2006 Oscar-winning documentary An Inconvenient Truth.  “I have no idea where it started from or why, but it is absolutely, positively and patently untrue,” adds the agent.

We can’t speak for everyone here, but we’re heartbroken. We had so many puns lined up for the possibility of an Al Gore/ Laurie David affair. An Inconvenient Screw, that was one of them – because Al Gore is roughly the size of a stranded porpoise, which would make the physical act of having sexual intercourse with him fairly inconvenient.

Actually, that was it. We just had one pun, and that was hardly a very good one. Thank goodness they’re not really having an affair, eh?

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The 90s were a decade in which hecklerspray spent most of its time picking food off of dead cats under parental supervision.

The things we were picking off them were typically ice cream, maraschino cherries and large dollops of whipped cream. Our father was a dinnerware-themed taxidermist, you see, and our mother’s passion was frozen dairy – the rarest of combinations.

Half the time we were eating milk products out of hollowed dead mice, we did so in front of Seinfeld, which was something we westerners like to call a ‘sitcom.’

Speaking of which – it’s coming back you know.

Kinda.

Larry David is half the brains behind Seinfeld – a show that historians will one day probably refer to as the nineties answer to Melrose Place. We know this because we are a historian.

Anyway, when Seinfeld went off the air, it was no doubt to rivers of tears flowing anywhere typically regarded as downhill. When the show ended it seemed like the entire cast went underground for a bit, surfacing only to berate black audience members, stick their thoraxes into things and YouTube around in McDonald’s commercials.

Since the end the world has been anxiously waiting to see which new show would claim their soupy crown – and you know what we got? We got that Two Half Men program – which, although written terribly, has done wonders for the equal treatment of amputees.

But this is no time to worry and woe about the piss-poor state of most sitcoms today – not when the four major Seinfeld players are currently together filming a story arc set to appear on Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm.

No really – look what Entertainment Weekly said about it:

“EW has learned exclusively that the four stars of NBC’s long-running comedy [Seinfeld] — Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jason Alexander, and Michael Richards — will be featured in a multiple-episode story arc on HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm this fall. The cameos will mark the first time that all four actors have appeared together in a scripted TV show since Seinfeld went off the air nearly 11 years ago.”

Plot points are being tightly guarded but we have a suspicion there’ll be a tie in to Seinfeld’s Bee Movie II, the sequel in which Barry has to go to ‘Nam to violently save all of his captured war buddies.

We think we speak for the entire free world when we say that is something we’d definitely pay to see.

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