As we approach the year and a half anniversary of the death of the King Of Pop, you’d have thought that the number of stories about the tolerable, twinkle-toed man with a face like a shattered piece of primary school plaster of Paris model of the face of Bo would have begun to abate.

Clearly not though, there is still mileage from dragging out his withered corpse and dancing around on it a bit for some free publicity.

Fortunately, if, like us, you’re getting a bit bored with the whole ‘which government agency secretly killed Michael Jackson’, then breathe a sign of relief that novelty clothes-wearer, will.i.am has come up with a fun new game that doesn’t directly involve us picturing someone poking around in the exposed stomach-cavity of a man-child, like a scene from the worlds most hellishly distressing Zombie movie.

will.i.am has devised a brilliantly entertaining twist on the whole Deadliest Warrior/pub game where you pit two unlikely foes against one another and see which one would win (you know; panther against a lion, 8 dwarves against a minotaur, Lara Croft against Jane Fonda with a machine gun, a class of privileged graduate students against an ailing and disheartened group of firemen from up North, that sort of thing) and has said that, if he were alive, Michael Jackson would have worked with Cheryl Cole.

The Sun manages to calm the voices in its head and says:

“He would have worked with her, no doubt, and it would have been something special. They are both total perfectionists when it comes to their work so it would have been something really big. It’s just a shame it can never happen now.”

See?

He would have definitely worked with her, probably. If he could fit it round all the reconstructive surgery needed to make every single one of his ball and socket joints to move without shattering when he did one of his funny little dance moves, and he could fit it in all the time he was whacked out on prescription drugs or cruising round kindergartens for the next generation of backing dancers (no, not like that. You’ve got to start training them very young. Also, yes, probably that). He was a busy man. Man-child. Whatever he was.

Wait, was it supposed to be a compliment or something? Sounds like she got off lightly.

But then again, he’s clearly delusional:

I told him Cheryl was the hottest thing in the UK and could sing and dance – basically, she was the complete package

Sing and dance? Two things at once? She can’t even do the one thing that she’s paid to do! (on the X Factor that is, the money you get from flogging crap to put on your hair is a different matter).

All this transparently obvious attempts to get into Chezza’s pants aside, we’re left with the much more entertaining game of pairing the dead singer with famous people both past and present. Just think what the world would have been like if Jackson had been able to team up with Vladimir Putin for a version of ‘Stranger in Moscow’, or with Raoul Moat on a special edition of ‘Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ or with Diana lending the vocals to ‘Dirty Diana’ or a touching version of ‘P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)’ with Gary Glitter. Magic, that’s what it would have been.

Magic.

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If there was a list of Films That Nobody Remembers, there’s no way that Lara Croft: Tomb Raider would be on it.

And that’s because nobody would remember it enough to include it. But just because it’s primarily famous for being the only film in history that people actually forgot about while they were watching it, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is getting a reboot.

The favourite to become the new Lara Croft is Megan Fox. Not because she looks like Angelina Jolie mind you, but because… oh, OK – it is because she looks like Angelina Jolie. Who are we kidding?

If ever there was a reason to be ashamed to be a man, it’s Lara Croft. Remember when the first Tomb Raider game came out and all men everywhere couldn’t stop talking about how sexy she was? Yeah, actually go back and look at what Lara Croft looked like back in Tomb Raider 1 – she was a kind of body-dysmorphic Bride of Wildenstein with Penelope Keith‘s voice and a pair of boobs that looked like beachballs that had been wrapped in corrugated iron by a feeble old Albanian double-amputee. And you found that attractive. You disappoint us, men.

Luckily, that mix-up was corrected when the Lara Croft: Tomb Raider movies were released. Then men were allowed to transfer their misplaced lust onto an image of pre-boring Angelina Jolie in a shiny wetsuit with a couple of chicken fillets rammed into a bra. And it would have been perfect, too, had the Lara Croft: Tomb Raider films not been so completely unwatchable that they made all sensible people want to strangle themselves unconscious.

However, thanks to a minor licensing procedure that’s so dreary we can’t even be bothered to tell you about it, Warner Bros is ready to make a new Lara Croft: Tomb Raider movie that will completely dispense with what came before it. E! Online reports:

Warner Bros. has confirmed plans to relaunch—and completely overhaul—the hot-pants-wearing, artifact-collecting Lara Croft: Tomb Raider franchise, with the first major casualty being Jolie. According to the Hollywood Reporter, the third film will completely reboot the video-game-based character, including changing her origin story, and introduce new kinds of missions, love interests and villains.

No wonder Angelina Jolie has been given the boot – chances are that she’d only return to the Lara Croft role if the film was set in war-ravaged Afghanistan and Lara Croft’s family were all landmine victims and and she was contractually guaranteed 20 minutes of unbroken onscreen weeping anyway – but that begs the question: who will be the next Lara Croft?

Well, duh. It’s Megan Fox, obviously. Megan Fox hasn’t been confirmed as the new Lara Croft, but she’s bound to be on top of the producers’ wishlist. And that’s because Megan Fox can do anything – action, um, lesbianism… have we said action already? We have? Oh. Well, she can probably do other stuff as well.

According to reports, the new Lara Croft: Tomb Raider movie will also probably ditch the need for Lara Croft to be posh and British. We’ve whittled down the reasons for this to the following:

1 - When Megan Fox attempts a British accent, she sounds like a drunk vicar falling down the stairs in a Carry On film.

2 - A British accent would force Megan Fox to think, and if she has to think and walk at the same time her brain gets confused and she topples over.

3 – Getting Megan Fox to de a British accent would require her to be sent back to her manufacturer for reprogramming, and that tends to be a costly procedure.

Either way, though, we’re looking forward to this new Lara Croft: Tomb Raider movie. Our one request, though, is that the producers make the archaeology scenes a little more realistic. That’s right, we want Lara Croft: Tomb Raider to be set in a shallow ditch in an arable field in Shewsbury on a drizzly Tuesday afternoon.

Let’s be honest, it can only be an improvement.

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