Lance Armstrong, you see, has got his girlfriend pregnant. And since he’s only got one testicle, that’s impressive. It’s just like that time God knocked up the Virgin Mary with baby Jesus, really, but better because God almost definitely hasn’t had sex with Sheryl Crow or one of the Olsen Twins.

So congratulations to Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend. Truly this is the greatest Christmas present of all. Or, more accurately, the greatest Christmas present that’ll crap everywhere and grow up to resent everything you’ve done for it.

Lance Armstrong is a modern-day hero, for all kinds of reasons. His incredible run of Tour De France wins prove that he’s a master of strength and endurance, his battle with cancer is proof of his insurmountable spirit and he can also hang out with Matthew McConaughey without smacking him across the back of the skull with a shovel and tipping him into an abandoned well, making him more tolerant than about 98% of other human beings.

But Lance Armstrong won’t go down in history for any of these things. No – the thing that most people will remember Lance Armstrong for is his incredible dedication to having it off with every single famous woman who strays within 30 feet of him. The list is endless – Lance Armstrong has had it off with one of the Olsen twins, with Kate Hudson and even with Sheryl Crow until she cried.

However, Lance Armstrong’s legendary swordsmanship will have to come to an end now, because he’s only gone and accidentally knocked up his girlfriend Anna Hansen. You know how it is – you’ve both had a few drinks, things start hotting up and the next thing you know you’re going through a physically and emotionally painful course of in vitro fertilisation with sperm that you had frozen right before you started an agonising course of chemotherapy to treat your testicular cancer. We’ve all been there. People reports:

Lance Armstrong and girlfriend Anna Hansen are expecting their first child together, the cycling champ tells PEOPLE. “Anna and I are thrilled to confirm that we are expecting in June and our families are ecstatic and grateful,” he says in a statement. “We are very much looking forward to what 2009 brings on many fronts.” He adds: “We appreciate respecting our privacy, as we are both eager to celebrate the holidays as a family.”

So congratulations to Lance Armstrong for beating the odds yet again, and double congratulations to Anna Hansen, for a) convincing Lance Armstrong to get you pregnant after being with him for what can feasibly only be about three or four months and b) finally taming the wild stallion for good.

After all, it’s not as if Lance Armstrong is callous enough to leave a woman shortly after she’s given birth to his children, is it? It is? That’s exactly what he did with his last wife?

Oh, OK, scrap that last bit.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Yes, it would seem that everyone involved in the investigation – which covered the whole of the US – can breathe a sigh of relief, as they will not have to present themselves in front of a grand jury. This includes one Mary-Kate Olsen, whose involvement with Ledger was something questions have been raised about for a number of months now.

Fortunately for the twin-billionaire, with the case being dropped she will no longer be forced to appear for any legal proceedings, nor will she have to keep up her claims for immunity.

The collective eyebrow of the world probably isn’t quite as raised any more.

Reports on TMZ have highlighted the amount of confusion and ridiculousness in what they call a ‘power grab’ by the DEA. Heath Ledger’s death was something that should have been investigated by the NYPD, in many people’s views, and there was no reason for the feds to get involved in the whole thing.

Basically because it was ruled an accidental death and there was no criminal element linked to the proceedings. Which, y’know, is pretty much necessary for the federales to get involved, normally. What with that being their job description and all – not hassling people because someone accidentally killed themselves.

This does mean that we may never get to see Mary-Kate Olsen doing her best to look like she’s capable of functioning in the real world, as she explains her case to a grand jury and tries not to look as rough as a badger’s arse. Which would all surely come as huge challenges to her.

It’s a shame, as that would have made for some interesting reading, as well as actually letting us know whether the one half of a child from Full House did have anything to do with Ledger’s death.

It would also mean we would know where we stood legally, and wouldn’t have to avoid baseless accusations. Stupid laws…

No, we will simply have to put up with the Olsen’s book, possibly watching as Mary-Kate decides to add a new chapter at the end, telling all about her experiences with the feds. Obviously Ashley would have to put something in there as well for the sake of twinly balance, so she could talk about what it was like to get all jiggy and stuff with a cyclist.

Though anyone that wanted to read that part would have to be clinically insane, downright sick or probably blind. A combination of all three would definitely be a benefit.

Wait – we had a point somewhere… oh yes!

So the Drug Enforcement Administration’s seemingly frivolous investigation into the death of The Dark Knight star Heath Ledger has been dropped, with one reason given being:

“Because they don’t believe there’s a viable target.”

Which is, well – a pretty good reason to stop an investigation, if we’re honest here. We may never know if there was a third party that contributed willingly or unwillingly to the death of Heath Ledger, but at least this strange investigation can be forgotten about and the man can be left alone.

At least until they launch a new investigation, of course.

You ARE? Well what are you waiting around here for? You’re exactly Lance Armstrong’s cup of tea. And he’s single too, now, so form an orderly queue and before long you – yes you! – could be feeling Lance’s solitary testicle smacking repeatedly against your inner thigh during one of several sordid bunk-ups!

Lance Armstrong is single, by the way, because he’s split up with Kate Hudson. They were going out. They were. What do you mean you didn’t know? Don’t you understand how important any of this is? Cuh.

Celebrity interbreeding isn’t an especially common occurence, but there’s one tightly-knit little group of pan-directional celebrity shagging that’s impossible to untangle. It’s best to just describe it to you.

There’s Sheryl Crow. Sheryl used to be romantically linked with Owen Wilson, then they split up and she got together with Lance Armstrong before Lance Armstrong broke her heart and gave her cancer or something. Meanwhile Owen Wilson got over his split with Sheryl Crowe by getting all kissy kissy with Kate Hudson, who’d recently divorced rocker Chris Robinson. Then Kate Hudson left Owen and Owen tried to kill himself so they got back together and then she left him for Lance Armstrong, who’d previously been shagging an Olsen twin.

Are you keeping up? Good, because Matthew McConaughey – Kate Hudson’s regular co-star and Lance Armstrong’s nonsexual best friend – is also involved in this mess somewhere. We think he just stood on the sidelines and played the bongos.

Got all that locked down? Good. Now forget it all, because Kate Husdon and Lance Armstrong have split up. Access Hollywood reports:

Just three months after Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong began dating, they have split. The actress and cyclist ended their short-lived relationship over the weekend. “There was no drama or ugliness – They just decided to end things,” a source close to the couple told the mag. “There is no hatred, just sadness.”

It is sad, isn’t it? Wait, no. Sadness doesn’t really cover what you’re probably feeling at the moment, does it? You’re probably feeling – oh, what’s the word? – total screaming titting ambivalence. Yes, that’s it.

But now that Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson have split up, what happens now? We’ve whittled the options down to the following:

1) Kate Hudson gets back with Owen Wilson,

2) Lance Armstrong gets back with Sheryl Crow,

3) Kate Hudson gets together with Sheryl Crow while Lance Armstrong and Owen Wilson watch,

4) Matthew McConaghey plays the bongos to cheer everyone up, so everyone stays for a little while just to be polite but then they badmouth him bitterly behind his back as soon as they leave.

Or, of course, what could happen is somehow – between Lance Armstrong, Kate Hudson, Sheryl Crow, the Olsen woman, Owen Wilson and Matthew McConaughey – one of them manages to break free of their weird little incestuous social gnarl and meet someone who hasn’t shagged every single other person they know.

Maybe that’s too much to ask. Babysteps, hecklerspray, babysteps.

Yeah, that’s a good saying.

On a completely unrelated subject, fresh off her split from Owen Wilson (again) Kate Hudson and bazillion time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong are apparently dating. They were seen out together. Eating food. Twice.

Kate Hudson. You may know her as Goldie Hawn’s daughter, or ex-wife of Black Crowes lead singer mangy hippie Chris Robinson, or the girl that dated Owen Wilson just prior to his unfortunate attempted life-ending mishap, or that girl that makes those movies with Matthew McConaughey that make you die a little inside and ruin the flavour of your Milk Duds because you can’t stop vomiting a bit in your mouth watching them, but now you can know her as Lance Armstrong’s gal.

It’s hard to keep up with those famous kids these days. Reports were just recently buzzing that Kate Hudson was back together with former smoochy love Owen Wilson, but reports of their breakup were out about as fast as their hookup.

Then on the other icky hand, you have Lance Armstrong who was engaged to Sheryl Crow, and his last conquest was reportedly Ashley Olsen (the probably not so bulimic-y Olsen twin).

Anyway, the pair were spotted in Texas over the weekend at a couple of Austin eateries. First, they dined at Eddie V’s, a high-end restaurant. This is all true, you know. An insider says so:

“They came in [Friday] and had dinner together, it’s true,” an insider tells PEOPLE

See? Told you so. The next night they ate with Lance’s three kids, so it must be getting serious. Either that or they all magically happened to be hungry at the same time.

Regardless, it’s great to see that since retiring from professional cycling, Lance has taken up a hobby, like dating girls that he can share t-shirts with. Not only is cost effective, but it doubles the wardrobe, really.

Read more:

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong’s Weekend in Austin – People

Question: what do you do to generate buzz about yourself when you are a big-time celebrity who has fallen out of the spotlight, and hasn’t accomplished anything press worthy for quite a while?  

Answer: Why, you strike up the most unlikely, brow raising, gag reflex-stimulating romance you can think of, like the one between Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen that seems to be brewing. No, really. It looks as if it's true.

We also would have accepted an answer of ‘ewwwwww’.  

When we first heard the rumours of fraternising between 36-year-old Lance Armstrong, and 21-year-old Ashley Olsen, we dismissed them as utter nonsense because our brains simply would not be able to process the idea of these two as a couple. But now the initial rumours seem to have some validity because Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen were seen checking into a SoHo hotel. Now the emergency overload alarms are going off inside our head with a sterile computerised voice counting down T-minus 10 seconds when the entire sector will self-destruct. 

Our tendency for the dramatic regarding pointless issues aside, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen were spotted enjoying a cozy evening together last weekend, which included at stop at New York’s trendy Rose Bar and a Broadway show, followed by turning into the Soho House hotel for the night. Oh, and in case you’re confused or happen to care for some reason, Ashley Olsen is not the twin that went to eating disorder camp, or something and dresses like the Derelicht garbage bag-inspired fashion line from Zoolander. No, Ashley has commonly been regarded as the classier, more together of the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen duo. Score!    

Actually, it all makes sense that these two would get together because everyone knows that once you’ve defeated cancer, won seven consecutive Tour de France races, and frozen your sperm, the only thing left to do is date an Olsen twin. Doesn’t really matter which one. Ashley or Mary Kate. Just pick one, really. Likewise, it’s only natural for a girl that became a billionaire while in her teens making perky movies and selling sparkly lip gloss with her twin sister to jump to the next echelon of dating and go for way older guys that are likely serving themselves up a hearty serving of mid-life crisis at the moment.                                                                                                   

The real question here is what exactly do Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen have in common? Besides the obvious bonds of obscene amounts of money and international fame, that is. Well, we’ll be buggered if all we can come up with is hormones. Lots and lots of hormones. However, we personally like the pocket-sized portability of the elfin Olsen. She would sure fit neatly into the back pocket of Lance Armstrong’s cycling jersey.  

Despite whatever fires of love that may be burning now, an ‘insider’ close to Lance Armstrong suggests that next week Lance will be on to someone else.  This is probably true. In fact, Lance Armstrong seems to keep getting them younger, from Sheryl Crow, to Ivanka Trump, to Ashley Olsen….

Wow. Stay tuned in the next weeks for the promising encounters of Lance Armstrong and Vanessa Hudgens, Hannah Montana, and Dakota Fanning.