Articles tagged with: Lance Armstrong
Stretching back to biblical times, Christmas has always been about screwball pregnancies - and it still is. Lance Armstrong, you see, has got his girlfriend pregnant. And since he's only got one testicle, that's impressive. It's just like that time God knocked up the Virgin Mary with baby Jesus, really, but better because God almost definitely hasn't had sex with Sheryl Crow or one of the Olsen Twins. So congratulations to Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend. Truly this is the greatest Christmas present of all. Or, more accurately, the greatest Christmas present that'll crap everywhere and grow up to resent everything you've done for it.
The DEA investigation into the death of Heath Ledger has been closed with a great deal of secrecy, confusion and 'embarrassment' all round. Yes, it would seem that everyone involved in the investigation - which covered the whole of the US - can breathe a sigh of relief, as they will not have to present themselves in front of a grand jury. This includes one Mary-Kate Olsen, whose involvement with Ledger was something questions have been raised about for a number of months now. Fortunately for the twin-billionaire, with the case being dropped she will no longer be forced to appear for any legal proceedings, nor will she have to keep up her claims for immunity. The collective eyebrow of the world probably isn't quite as raised any more.
Ladies! Are you young, blonde, famous and determined to live out the minutiae of your personal life in the harrowing glare of the media? You ARE? Well what are you waiting around here for? You're exactly Lance Armstrong's cup of tea. And he's single too, now, so form an orderly queue and before long you - yes you! - could be feeling Lance's solitary testicle smacking repeatedly against your inner thigh during one of several sordid bunk-ups! Lance Armstrong is single, by the way, because he's split up with Kate Hudson. They were going out. They were. What do you mean you didn't know? Don't you understand how important any of this is? Cuh.
You know that old saying about how a famous woman is like the village bicycle and everyone has had a ride and one guy almost offed himself after having a ride and now a famous cyclist is having a go?
Yeah, that’s a good saying.
On a completely unrelated subject, fresh off her split from Owen Wilson (again) Kate Hudson and bazillion time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong are apparently dating. They were seen out together. Eating food. Twice.
Pop quiz, kids. Pencils at the ready...
Question: what do you do to generate buzz about yourself when you are a big-time celebrity who has fallen out of the spotlight, and hasn’t accomplished anything press worthy for quite a while?
Answer: Why, you strike up the most unlikely, brow raising, gag reflex-stimulating romance you can think of, like the one between Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen that seems to be brewing. No, really. It looks as if it's true.
We also would have accepted an answer of ‘ewwwwww’.
