Dealers keep dealin’. Thieves keep thievin’. Whores keep whorin’. Junkies keep scorin’. Trade is on the meat rack. Strip joints full of hunchbacks. Bitches keep bitchin’. Clap keeps itchin’.

You might recognise these as the lyrics from Primal Scream’s exileonmainstreetesque hit, ‘Rocks’. What you may not realise is that the British Conservative Party are big fans too and just love being associated with drug dealing, prostitution, crime and sexually transmitted diseases.

How so? Well, for some inexplicable reason, our Tory chums thought it would be a good idea to play the track at the Conservative Party Conference which saw Theresa May making things up about immigrants and cats. Primal Scream are not happy.

The Screamteam reacted angrily after Home Secretary Theresa May played the track at the end of her speech where she said something about hating human rights. Or something. We weren’t really listening.

Primal Scream issued this statement in response:

“Primal Scream are totally disgusted that the Home Secretary Theresa May ended her speech at the Tory party conference with our song ‘Rocks’. How inappropriate.”

“Didn’t they research the political history of our band? Hasn’t she listened to the words? Does she even know what getting your rocks off means? No. She is a Tory; how could she?

“Primal Scream are totally opposed to the coalition government, Cameron, Osborne, Gove, Howard, Clegg etc. They are legalised bullies passing new laws to ensure the wealthy stay wealthy, taking the side of big business while eradicating workers’ rights and continuing their attacks on young people, single parents and OAPs by slashing education and social security budgets, in effect persecuting the poor for being poor.”

The statement ends with Primal Scream pointing out that they see Tories as their enemy:

“We would like to distance ourselves from this sick association. The Tories are waging a war on the disenfranchised, they are the enemy.”

Of course, the mistake Theresa May made was that she didn’t use the sprightly “Bomb The Pentagon” recorded by the band, as that would’ve been about as appropriate wouldn’t it?

Lovely.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Politics, what a lot of cobblers. Full of posh and privately educated individuals, the humble person on the street has to work out what’s a lie, or just fabrication. Politicians have a long way to go before the general public appreciate them. Ever seen an MP sticker book? Only people who are liked get this accolade, like randy, closeted footballers.

From what we can gather, the coalition government blames Labour for any problem affecting the UK and they’re here to mend the problems.

This week, David Cameron takes his Conservative minions to Manchester to tell the country how wonderful a job he’s doing and state future plans whilst making terrible jokes. But in a leaked document that was stuffed through the letterbox of the hecklerspray bedsit, we’ve seen potential policies that were scrapped at the last moment. Learning from tricks of the trade from one Tory predecessor Margaret Thatcher, one of proposals will shock you to the core.

It’s going to be a tough week for the Tories. Firstly, the entire party has had to travel to Manchester which is in the north of England.

Imagine the thought of having to leave the perfect land of London where an item in a pound shop costs a fiver and clean air doesn’t exisit.

But more importantly we’ve been given a glimpse into proposed plans that were designed to put more stress on the UK population.

Cooked up by David Cameron and his whipping boys, we’d be here all day summarising them all, but below are a few that would have immediately sparked off more riots if given the green light.

Shake Up Of Breast Milk Use

According to the leaked document that’s now in our possession, the Tories want to emulate countries such as Iraq and Saudi Arabia who are rich in natural resources. However the government accepts the fact that it has to invade other nations for oil and wants to somehow make money on a commodity that is already available.

As a parent, David Cameron knows that babies aren’t always hungry during a feed. Proposed measures would have forced a parent to supply milk from one breast to their child whilst a powerful suction machine empties the other. The extracted milk would be bottled, sold to developing nations and sent to orphanages worldwide.

Removal Of The 1p and 2p Coin

After listening to rap star Jay-Zs track “99 Problems”, Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne had his own eureka moment whilst looking a pile of money. Relating to the common people, Mr Osborne knows that purchasing goods and items for 99p can quickly make a wallet or purse, bulge with coins that can be hard to spend. Mr Osborne confidently stated that valuable pennies are simply thrown away and not spent. Removing them from circulation would pay a small chunk of nation’s debt off.

This idea would have been implemented after the Manchester conference with the immediate removal of this currency but Tory peers worried how the public would react. In certain areas of the community, such as the individual who asks for 2p for their bus ticket, may get complacent and plot revenge through violent means. The suggestion of reintroducing the coins back to the nation once major debts were paid off was met with howling laughter.

Making A Political Triangle

Rarely do governments have to share power and ideas with opposing parties. At the moment, the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats are best chums with each other. David Cameron has ensured everyone has an equal slice of political cake apart from Nick Clegg who all students once saw as a pin-up poster boy. But what about Labour? Where are they in this political jigsaw? David Milliband may be a limp leader in David Cameron’s eyes, and he planned to use this to his advantage.

One of the most shocking plans hecklerspray saw was for David Cameron to welcome Tony Blair into the coalition stronghold as his chief advisor, thus breaking down political boundaries that have existed for centuries. A silence echoed through the Tory headquarters as fellow MP’s tried to grasp the idea of appointing a man who stopped multiple Conservative attempts to gain office in the past. His experience was deemed to be priceless but due to the elite Tory mindset, the idea was rejected due to Tony Blair being from the north. Someone may have muttered ‘mass murderer’ as well, but that’s just stupid. It’s war, not killing, dummy.

So as you see the various Conservative speakers smiling and attempting to convince you that their political vision is working, just remember, hecklerspray has uncovered a few things they doesn’t make for happy reading if you’re that politically inclined.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Reading a newspaper doesn’t seem to be as fun as it used to be. Whilst sniggering at the Page 3 girls’ outlook on life, these enlightening comments have now turned to something much more shocking.

Death! Fear! Famine! Terror! Bono! Knives! Guns! They all make for happy and pleasant reading on the way in to work. All before you’re charged £1.80 for a piss weak cup of coffee in the local café.

If the thought of being stabbed to death isn’t great enough to reduce you to a nervous wreck who only watches Jeremy Kyle, we’ve got a new crisis. Apparently, all the banks in the world who rape us via bank charges have run out of money or something. Subsequently, everything is going to cost more and limit us to only seven Starbucks trips a day. With Gordon Brown taking the hit for messing up the country, there seems to have been no help or even a cuddle anywhere. Well that is until JK Rowling came along and donated £1,000,000 of her own money to help him out.

With a personal fortune of £560m stashed away under the mattress, JK Rowling has to do something with all that money. Not only has the Harry Potter brand enabled her to always pay her bill without checking, it’s also help spawn the careers of other people associated with the ever-growing franchise.

Daniel Radcliffe was cast as the spectacle-wearing nerd in the film adaptations. As he grew up, got more attractive to ladyfolk and hit puberty he shifted gears in to other acting ventures. While whipping your cock out and dancing around with horses sounds like some sort of specialist pornography, it was all apparently tastefully done in some sort of play. Next they’ll be saying that selling a zebra in a box constitutes art.

But not everything to do with Harry Potter is fluffy and cute. Steven Vander Ark decided to make an encyclopaedia of everything to do with Harry Potter. From detailing every character to listing magic potions and exam cheats, it was every geek’s wet dream. A whole Bible of knowledge about something that isn’t real. Sadly, JK Rowling decided that she didn’t want this to happen. Reigning down the blows like lightning bolts, she banned the release and made a few people cry. She plans to release her own version one day. Probably when she runs out of people to sue for vague reasons.

Because she hasn’t been in the news for a while, JK Rowling has decided to publicly give the Labour Party a cool £1,000,000 because their policies to look after children are apparently the best and make her happy and jumpy. Hooray! She loves the children, and told BBC News:

“I believe that poor and vulnerable families will fare much better under the Labour Party than they would under a Cameron-led Conservative Party. Gordon Brown has consistently prioritised and introduced measures that will save as many children as possible from a life lacking in opportunity or choice.”

Did you manage to digest all that? Nope neither could we. For a woman who could buy us bacon rolls everyday for eternity, it strikes us as slightly odd that she’s complaining about how poor we are and how that miserable Scottish bastard of a Prime Minister can solve it. Send us all a cheque for £10, that’ll do just fine. Granted, it may be abused down a pub or casino but free stuff is always welcome.

But are Gordon Brown and JK Rowling actually working on something else? Are all state school being planned to be turned in to magic academies? Will pupils be turned into an army of wizards who’ll be trained to kill via a quick flick of a magic wand? We don’t know, but it could spark off a worldwide surge of book/TV tie in schools. America will launch the A-Team academy and Germany will pledge to have all its citizens fully fledged in the art of how to kill a person with a sausage.

Kerry Katona could almost be described as the most pointless so-called celebrity that the UK has had the misfortune of breathing life into.

So far in her career, Kerry Katona has been in rubbish girlband Atomic Kitten and left before the group got famous famous, got married to a Westlife pleb, had a few kids with him and then got divorced. And now, between seeing Kerry Katona gracing the pages of trashy women’s magazines with a new problem every week and starring in those awful Iceland adverts, Kerry Katona has never been more famous. Where will it all end? With Kerry Katona sprawled out nude on a trolley, graphically giving birth for a TV show? Not if Kerry Katona has anything to do with it.

Sadly no-one has ever approached any of the hecklerspray staff to give birth live on TV. That might be because the majority of us can’t get pregnant and our large stomachs are sadly down to a very poor diet of Coco Pops and lager. It still goes chocolaty-brown, if you were wondering, but with an added bit of fizz. Mmm. 

So why has Kerry Katona been approached to get her lady parts out for our sick pleasure? According to the angry taxman, she owes him £200,000, and a TV production company thought they could help her pay part of it off by filming a baby coming out of her quiet end for one of their shows. Uh-oh. According to Now:

“The troubled star, 27 – who denies allegations that she owes £200,000 in tax – was approached by a camera crew who wanted to film the labour as part of a documentary-style show to be aired next year.” 

It does seem rather peculiar that some twisted TV channel – we're guessing Channel Five – wants to see Kerry Katona give birth to her child whose sole use will be as a cash cow for for gawky-looking magazine photo shoots. Hecklerspray starts the bidding at £1.37 and a packet of Malteasers for the exclusive rights.  

But will Kerry Katona allow footage of her minge to be broadcast for us to spew up over? Thankfully not. 

“She says the birth is something private for her and Mark to enjoy and no amount of money is going to change that. She couldn't believe they were suggesting it.” 

Of course, the magical moment of birth is to remain private, but we’ll give it a few months before a baby photo war breaks out. As we’ve mentioned before, it’s hard for us to be pregnant but we imagine it’s not too joyful being a woman when the big moment forces itself upon her.

But – televised or not – when the big time comes for Kerry, we think we will go through every step of childbirth with her to feel her plight, except for the bit at the end where you crap yourself. All we require are two watermelons to slap on our testicles to resemble a pregnant belly and there you go! We will be in the same situation of having a body part so big that it constantly gets in our way. If only Blue Peter had thought of the bloke's baby emulator first. 

Read more:

Kerry Katona refuses to give birth on TV – Now