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Ryan Reynolds And Charlize Theron Are Dating To Become World’s Dumbest Couple

by Mof Gimmers

Ryan Reynolds – man that is made entirely of gym instructions – and Charlize Theron – a woman designed to occupy thongs – have apparently been dating for months, and were both so simple minded (much like cows in a field) that they forgot to tell anyone… including themselves. A source close to the pair [...]

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Tori Spelling Has Pretty Big Car Crash While Having A Baby

by Mof Gimmers

You don’t really care who Tori Spelling is but, alas, it is the slowest news day of 2011 thus far. This means that not only are we struggling to find celebrities to write about, but the poor paparazzi are chasing absolutely anyone now. And because all the proper celebrities have obviously taken the day off, [...]

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Sean Penn Runs Away From Scarlett Johansson Screaming ‘CLINGY’

by Mof Gimmers

It’s nice to know that, even though you’re widely regarded to be one of the most beautiful humans who ever walked this pathetic excuse of a planet, you can still be hugely flawed and make an idiot of yourself before someone you really, really fancy. We’re talking about Scarlett Johansson and her besottery with Sean [...]

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Scarlett Johansson Gets Off With Sean Penn While President Obama Watches On

by Mof Gimmers

You may well think that Scarlett Johansson is the most beautiful woman you’ve even seen, which probably means that you think you don’t stand a chance of ever making out with her. Well you do, because she’s decided to tap a troll-faced Sean Penn. Repeatedly. While Barack Obama watches on. That’s right mingers, Johansson has [...]

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Tori Spelling Has Most Unimportant Celebrity Pregnancy In History

by Mof Gimmers

With everyone in the celebsphere growing babies inside them (including the men – stars are like seahorses in that respect), it only seems right that faded starlets should join in, in the hope that scum like us should write about them so the world can collectively shrug. And brace yourself for one of the tiniest [...]

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Rod Stewart’s Daughter, Kimberley, Is Having Benicio Del Toro’s Baby

by Mof Gimmers

Rod Stewart is one of the most unlikely sex symbols in history. Face it, he looks like a melted waxwork of Sarah Jessica Parker crossed with a dead leopard and a nylon bag filled with hammers. Yet somehow, women still want to have sex with him. One sexual encounter produced a child called Kimberley who, [...]

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LA Film People Say WALL-E Is Quite Good

by Stuart Heritage

Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Well, tough, you’re getting the bad news – it’s awards season.

You know, that long, slow, dull deathmarch to the Oscars where every single vaguely filmy organisation on the face of the planet announces which movies it enjoyed watching most. But more than that, awards season marks the time of year when we wish we had another job. Any other job. A job involving heights and spikes and angry bears, even.

And now the good news – The Los Angeles Film Critics Association gave its best picture award to WALL-E.

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Eddie Van Halen’s Garden Gets A Bit Flooded

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re a member of a stadium-filling middle-aged American rock band, you must be slowly waking up to the fact that God hates you.

That’s the only way we can explain why a series of Biblical plague-style accidents keep wrecking their homes, anyway. Just weeks after Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ house burnt down in the Malibu wildfires, Eddie Van Halen’s house has got all muddy because a water main freakishly broke near his house yesterday. Actually it’s a little more serious than we’re making out – thousands of gallons of water uprooted trees in Eddie Van Halen’s garden, filled over his swimming pool and narrowly avoided causing permanent damage to his house.

Memo to God: when you get round to unleashing your plague of unhealable boils, might we suggest Bon Jovi as a target. Again, that’s Bon Jovi.

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