Take That’s Prodigal Son and Stoke’s most irritating son Robbie Williams has been waking up in the night covered in a liquid that isn’t his own urine according to The Daily Star. In an interview with Britain’s least believable paper, Williams prophesied that he might be a target for terrorists because he’s so completely important.

The egotist, who recently returned to the warming, Northern embrace of his former Take That, has been  having trouble sleeping recently and instead of taking a Night Nurse and keeping his massive flapping trap shut, he decided to give an “exclusive” to a woeful Red Top.

Luckily, he’s been having dreams that even Joseph & His Technicolour Fraud Coat wouldn’t have any trouble analysing.

Poor ol’ Robbie says that he can’t remember the last time he had bad dreams. We’re not experts on the Rapid Eye Movement of celebrities but we’d hazard that his last bout of nightmares was what prompted him to believe he was Sammy Davis Jr. & release ‘Swing When You’re Winning’. Still, the snivelling little rodent believes he’s part of a different Rat Pack now, one being funnelled into a killing field by a “certain paramilitary group”.

He told some lobotomised hack;

“I had a dream the other night that a sectarian group was trying to kill me. I have not had a nightmare like that for a long time, forever really, but a certain paramilitary group came to kill me.”

A certain paramilitary group. Could have been any of them so hecklerspray used our underground network of contacts to find out if any terrorist organisations were employing dream assassins. Yes, dream assassins. Haven’t you seen Inception? Of the sixteen worldwide paramilitary groups we contacted, fifteen asked us who Robbie Williams was while a representative of “The Real IRA” said;

“Fuck off, we have better things to do.”

Ayda Field’s husband (that’s Robbie, apparently) needed the reassuring sight of a relative to remind him that he was very much alive and still an incredibly rich man;

“I suddenly woke up and saw my brother-in-law Rich from Stoke-on-Trent at the bottom of my stairs at my home in LA and knew everything was all right.”

The paramilitary group responsible for this attack will have to step up its efforts if it wants to avoid another ‘Rudebox’ incident. Hang on a second, do the NME have a paramilitary wing? We’ll get them on the phone and get back to you*.

Williams has admitted to spells of paranoia in the past and spent a summer holed up in his Los Angeles mansion, before emerging disguised in a gorilla suit and wearing a pair of sunglasses. Suggestions that this may have been due to an over-indulgence in a certain white powder were refuted, despite obviously being true**.

*NME’s lawyers would like us to point out that they are not in the habit of forming paramilitary wings in order to assassinate celebrities who are stealing column inches from The Kaiser Chiefs. Protesting too much?

**Legal Note: Robbie Williams has never even seen cocaine, let alone snorted loads of it to make himself feel like Dean Martin.

Taylor Swift (the Hayseed Barbie) has apparently been offered the role of Eponine in Tom Hooper’s new ‘Les Miserables’ film, which is clearly terrible news for those chumps amongst you who like overwrought musicals.

What’ll irritate the purists even more is that Swift has seemingly beaten off (no, not like that) actual actors including Lea Michele, Scarlett Johansson and Evan Rachel Wood.

Teenyboppers will be thrilling one off all over their Hello Kitty pen-tops while adults will be puking in their hands at the disgust of it all.

Talking to MTV, Molly Washok, 17 said:

“I seriously love ‘Les Miz.’ It’s a great Broadway musical. And I’ve seen Taylor Swift in shows and I love her so much. I’m a big fan of both, so it makes me excited.”

But can she act? She’ll be joined in Les Miserables by some big-hitting A-Listers like Hugh Jackman, Helena Bonham Carter, Russell Crowe and Anne Hathaway, and potentially, Amanda Seyfried.

So what landed Taylor the gig? Is it her likeness to Eponine?

Well, in Victor Hugo’s novel, Eponine grows up a spoiled brat who ends up in appalling poverty due to the bankruptcy of her parents’ inn. Eponine is described as a “pale, puny, meagre creature.” So far so good.

However, she’s also noted as having a hoarse voice like “a drunken galley slave’s” due to it being “roughened by brandy and by liquors.” Taylor Swift is about as sordid as Aled Jones. Eponine also has missing teeth and mangled hair, not to mention bony shoulders, heavy brooding drooping eyes, and a premature-aging face ‘with only a trace of beauty lingering’.

You can see why she got the part now, can’t you?

We’ve seen Scarlett Johansson’s boobs and bum after some clever-dick managed to breach her internet security and show the world her wares, or rather, the way she gives the people she’s boning and lob-on.

And for the most part, jealous woman spat ‘Well, they weren’t THAT good’.

But there’s more to Scarlett than all that. She’s brave. She refused to wear make-up in We Bought a Zoo, whatever the fresh shit that is! However, when she’s at home, she ain’t no slob. You won’t find her eating Variety Packs straight from the box in her stained tracksuit pants watching Cheaters. No way.

Talking to some idiots who asked some dumb question, she said:

“I always like to put a little bit of makeup on.”

“I’m not the kind of person that just slops around in sweatpants. I like to feel a little more together—you never know who you’re going to see out there!”

Sean Penn maybe? You gotta look half-decent if you’re going to hump his back like a randy poodle on a cushion, right?

“My absolute must-have is a really rich and vibrant red lipstick.”

“I always keep red lipstick in my bag because I never know when I might show up to an event and be completely underdressed. I feel like red lipstick is the cure-all for everything.”

Apart from the faux-outrage at leaked nude photographs, natch. Not only does she like red lippy, but she likes smearing honey all over her face like she’s some kind of mad bear.

Heard of a honey facial?

“I use Manuka honey. You just warm your face so that your pores are open (you can steam your face right after getting out of the shower), and then you just take a spoon and apply the honey directly to your face and leave it for 10 to 15 minutes.”

“It really adds an amazing glow and your skin is so soft afterwards. It pulls out the impurities.”

Please, dear hecklerspray reader, if you’re stupid enough to try and spread honey all over your face, please send us a photograph of yourself during the procedure.

Hopefully someone with throw a pillow’s worth of feathers at you too.

When Sean Penn’s not being pestered by Scarlett Johansson on the rebound, he’s being all philanthropic and all that jive. Of course, having a political persuasion means you’ll rub some people up the wrong way and they shout at you.

Mercifully for Sean Penn, he’s a grade-a bitch. He has put-downs that could almost match the output of a drag queen convention.

And who found this out at their cost? Why, if it wasn’t a co-star of his who accused Penn of being a Communist. What fun!

You may or may not know or care, but Penn is a big supporter of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. He’s a red. And an old co-star of Sean’s, called Maria Conchita Alonso, took an opportunity to shoot her mouth off at the actor when she bumped into him at LAX.

Conchita, recounts the incident, said:

I said, ‘I would like to talk to you.’ He said, ‘Oh, it’s you. I have nothing to say to you. You speak badly about me.’ I said, ‘No, I don’t. I just say the truth. That you are a friend of Chavez and that he’s a good man. And that’s a lie. How can you do that?’

He said, ‘You are a pig!’ So I said, ‘And you are a Communist asshole!’

I was so angry and I had all this built inside me for so many years, and he calls me a pig. I just exploded. My mother was so happy, she wanted to clap.

Imagine that. Calling someone a crude name and your mother welling up with pride as she stands beside you. Something that hecklerspray is still waiting on.

Penn’s retort?

I only knew that a hostile woman was nonsensically berating me. I didn’t realize it was that actress. I think I worked with her once. But she looks really different. She was uninformed and impolite to all the other passengers.

If you’re wondering – which you’re not – Alonso and Penn starred in Colors together.

Boobs. Now we’ve got that out of the way, let us look at the rest of Scarlett Johansson’s tawdry existence on this wretched, awful speck of dust we call Earth as it revolves its tired way around this cold, unyielding solar system of ours.

Joy! Showbiz joy at that!

Anyway, now ScarJo has stopped dry-humping Sean Penn’s alleged leg, she be prowlin’ for another fancy mate. And remarkably, she’s chosen British musician Dan White, leaving us to assume that Dan White must be in a band with a very canny PR company working behind him or, indeed, Johansson has a penchant for derivative, tuneless indie schmindie.

Apparently, Scarlett met the guitarist from absolute unknowns, the Tribes, when she was shooting in London recently. No, she didn’t go ‘Falling Down’ on us – ‘shooting’ is slang for ‘making some stupid film or other’.

Not only did Johansson meet the guitarist – who knows G, Em, C AND D chords – but she also became gigantically smitten with him. They are, according to a source (PR company for the Tribes or whatever) determined to make their long distance relationship work.

A source told the Sunday Mirror:

‘They met in London recently. Scarlett was shooting the film Under The Skin in the UK and they were introduced at a club night in town.

‘They got on like a house on fire and Scarlett was into his band’s music. There was an instant connection. They’ve been seeing each other for a good few weeks. Dan’s proper happy about it- and what guy wouldn’t be? He already thinks the world of Scarlett.

‘Dan thinks she’s an amazing girl. They both have incredibly busy lives but are going to see where things go. Dan’s band Tribes is only just taking off and Scarlett has a lot of work on. So who knows?’

A ‘source’ there, trying to convince us that Dan from the Tribes has an ‘incredibly busy life’. What do they take us for? FOOLS, THAT’S WHAT.

Anyway, you’ll no doubt be wondering what the Tribes sound like, so here’s the presumably large membered Dan from the Tribes churning out the usual turgid, pedestrian indie rock cobblers in a video that is desperate to make them look cool.

All musicians are pricks. Just remember that.

Hey! You probably don’t remember this, but a while ago, Scarlett Johansson got her emails hacked and some nudey photos of her ended up online and a couple of people got to see her bottom and busters.

It probably didn’t seem like much of a big deal to you and you certainly wouldn’t have kept looking at the photos over and over again and, it goes without saying, that there is NO WAY you hoped more explicit shots ended up online… but to ScarJo, she was rather upset.

She cried so hard that the FBI came to help her wipe her tears and BINGO BANGO some chap got arrested, potentially leaving us with intentional photo leaks, which just aren’t as romantic are they?

Scarlett has only really talked about her marriage to Ryan Reynolds’ big stupid head in the press since then, but now, she’s all chat.

Appearing on The Late Show With David Letterman, Johansson described the leak of the pictures as “creepy”.

She said:

“Somebody stole my nudey photos and they were out there for all the world to see. Which was unfortunate really. It was quite shocking, it was extremely creepy… My password was constantly changing for months and months. And I kept thinking, ‘Why is my password changing?’”

Then, not realising how devastatingly handsome some people who work online are, she added:

“This guy was sitting there constantly, every 20 seconds, all pasty and pervy and weird. That’s the creepiest thing really.”

See, Johansson doesn’t feel the need to have any social networks on the go:

“I don’t have a Facebook or a Twitter account, and I don’t know how I feel about this idea of, ‘Now I’m eating dinner, and I want everyone to know that I’m having dinner at this time’. Or ‘I just mailed a letter and dropped off my kids’. That to me is a very strange phenomenon.

“I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less than have to continuously share details of my everyday life. I’m always surprised that certain actors have Twitter accounts.”

Maybe its because some are actually interesting people away from their work AND want to feel more approachable to us plebs, rather than hiding behind a velvet rope trying to shag Sean Penn’s leg?

No wonder everyone was so keen to see her leaked snaps, eh? Anyway, here is a video of her talking to Letterman and yes, her hair looks ridiculous. Gary Oldman would’ve been proud to sport that when he played Dracula.

You may find this hard to believe but the hecklerspray staff are hideous. It’s true. We’re not a pretty bunch of misanthropes. We’re so ugly in fact, that none of us are able to get a date with anyone who has at least one functioning eye and if we were ever forced to mate with each other, our offspring would look like Michael Berryman, but much shorter and with considerably more hair.

So when we hear about beautiful people who are touching the bottoms of other beautiful people, it makes us terribly unhappy and we feel the need to make fun of them for your amusement, safe in the knowledge that we’ve made fun of ourselves first before you can respond with something annoyingly lame and probably in text speak.

Let’s do this.

Horribly attractive stars Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds have been spotted in public, walking around with hats and sunglasses on and drinking coffee which obviously means they are engaging in really dull, caffeine fueled sex sessions at bedtime, probably keeping their shades on so even they don’t recognise each other.

Blake who has been in Gossip Girl for 47 years has been dating Reynolds (former husband of Boobs Johansson)  for the past few weeks and even though he’s dated at least 786 women, we’re convinced that THIS IS THE ONE!!!

According to reports, the pair were spotted cuddling and giggling in NYC and were even poking each other in a booth during brunch and we’re now so busy thinking of fingering jokes, that we don’t care what else they did during their trip.

They probably put on balaclavas and looked at some art.

Former wife, Scarlett, who recently said that her marriage to Reynolds was ‘the best thing I ever did‘ isn’t very happy about this, despite the fact she was jumping Sean Penn every 17 seconds, in between doing really terrible perfume adverts.

A US Weekly mischief maker claimed:

‘Scarlett is pissed that he’s not under her spell anymore.’

‘Ryan would have gotten back with her. He was so totally in love, but then she flaunted Sean right after their split, and he was done.’

ISN’T THAT SAD??

No. It isn’t. Dry your eyes.

Scarlett Johansson’s boobs. She showed them off to us by accident didn’t she? That’s probably the thing she’ll be remembered for when she dies. Boobs, oh and she did some films. Better to be remembered for titties than forgotten entirely, right?

Either way, we’re not here to talk about breasts all day. We’re talking marriage. Pull up a seat. Let’s get deep.

See, Scarlett is under the assumption that marrying Ryan Reynolds was one of the best decisions she ever made. She split with him after two years and made one of the most annoying perfume adverts in history. But it was still totally the best thing she ever did. Ryan Reynolds. Think about that.

Nothing good comes out of Ryan Reynolds. Literally. It’s all waste products, humid air and nincompoopery. He’s a dithering sack of shit with a granite hard torso and 14 inch skull.

Still, Johansson claims marrying the star of the ‘Green Lantern’ was the best thing she ever, ever did. Much better than the time she got with Sean Penn by sheer persistence.

She said:

“It was the best thing I ever did. I’m a big believer that when something feels right, you should do it.”

“I’m a big believer in instinct. Getting married was the right thing to do because it was natural. It grew out of romance and love and a desire to have a future with somebody, and I was very fortunate that I married somebody who turned out to be the person I thought he would be.”

So, how does one celebrate the love of the union of marriage? Why, you don’t spend any time together and, in the case of Scarlett, she wasn’t prepared to do the work necessary to keep their romance alive!

HURRAY!

Speaking to Cosmopolitan magazine, she said:

“Relationships are complicated. Being married is a living, breathing process. I think I was not fully aware of the peaks and the valleys. I wasn’t prepared to hunker down and do the work. Both of us were extremely busy. We spent so much time apart. It’s very difficult.”

Of course, marriage is a stupid, dangerous drug for those fearful of their own company, and hecklerspray advises that you don’t even try it. You saw Charlie Sheen when he was out of his mind on expensive drugs? Marriage turns you into a bigger dillweed than that!

Seriously. Go watch Bridezillas and hark at the endless identical baby pictures currently littering your Facebook feed.

Just. Say. No (preferably at the altar for maximum impact).

A film version of Les Miserables is afoot and everyone wants in because it really is exactly the kind of overwrought, bust-heaving weariness that gets you an Oscar nomination. And the thesps are circling like vultures!

Scarlett Johansson, Taylor Swift and Lea Michele (the main girl from Glee) are all competing with each other so they can land the coveted role in the upcoming Les Mis movie.

If any brake cables get cut in some terrible ‘accident’, you’ll know exactly who to blame. Right? There’s already a superstar cast signed up for this film too.

Tom Hooper’s big screen adaptation has a cast including Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe, Anne Hathaway, Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham Carter.

Helena Bonham Carter was always going to be on-board for this wasn’t she? We’re just waiting for Kenneth Branagh to get the nod and we’ll have a period-drama full-house!

However, all the rumours surround the lucky lass who will land the role of Eponine.

Apparently, Taylor Swift has already auditioned for the part. NO EXPERIENCE YOU SAY? You’ve obviously never seen the film Valentine’s Day! In that, Swift plays a one-legged smack-addict who enters the brutal world of snuff movies as she tries to raise money for her blind child’s lung operation.

Possibly.

Glee star Michele has also tried out, of course, having previous with Les Mis as she made her Broadway debut in the show in ’95.

Meanwhile, Scarlett Johansson wants us all to forget her boobies and take her seriously as an actress again JUST LIKE WE ALL USED TO TAKE HER REALLY SERIOUSLY, HONEST.

Kelsey Grammer is a magnificently dislikeable human being. Away from his fine role of Frasier, he supports some real crackpot ideas. He thought George Dubya was a cool guy for a kick-off. Of course, this means he’s nothing like his most famous televisual role.

And it seems that us plebians aren’t the only people who wish he was more like Frasier.

On Piers Morgan’s chatshow (another dolt with a face like a doleful yam), he asked Grammer whether he thought his ex-wife, Camille, married him because he was a TV icon. Kelsey replied: “no, I think she married me because I was Frasier.” He really doesn’t know what to do with those toss salad and scrambled eggs.

And so, what does Grammer think of his ex-wife? Is he nice and magnanimous?

Grammer also told the CNN host that his “parting gift” to his third wife was her role in the reality series “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

“Whether or not it worked well for her doesn’t matter. It was my way of saying, ‘Look, you always wanted to be famous. Here you go.’ “

And now, after three tumultuous marriages, The Man We Wish Was Frasier says he has at last found true love with his fourth wife, Kayte, who he met in an airport.

“There was a warmth, a glow about her that I was drawn to. And I thought, ‘Boy, I hope she’s on my flight.’ “

Presumably, she doesn’t mind that he’s a Republican. Yep. An actor in Hollywood who is openly right wing.

“I’m a bit of a rebel. I don’t tend to warm too well to people that tell me how I’m supposed to think. So, my life in Hollywood — I’m afraid I was destined to be a Republican.”

And those Tea Bagger nutjobs?

“I’m sympathetic to some of the principles, but I’m not sure that the tea party has behavioural problems, other than the ones that can be identified by people who are inimical to them.”

WAIT!

Hahaha! It doesn’t matter what he says because he sounds like Sideshow Bob! HAHAHAHA!

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Ryan Reynolds – man that is made entirely of gym instructions – and Charlize Theron – a woman designed to occupy thongs – have apparently been dating for months, and were both so simple minded (much like cows in a field) that they forgot to tell anyone… including themselves.

A source close to the pair has revealed to at least four people who were half-listening, that the pair are officially ‘in a relationship’, telling reporters: “They’re exclusive, and it’s very hush-hush.”

Presumably, even Charlize Theron doesn’t want to admit that she’s going steady with the man responsible for the dreadful, dreadful Green Lantern film.

Thus far, the couple have managed to dodge photographers, but this could once again be down to immense stupidity. Rumour has it that the pair stood before a window of Curry’s, waving at all the cameras and presuming that they were getting vital publicity for their dismal projects.

However, things soon came to a stop as they were both distracted by a balloon and ran-after it, trying to grab the sky with their stupid, stupid hands.

The source adds:

“They’re both career-focused, but not in a crazy way. [Theron] won’t go to an event with him. That’s not her style.”

This is down to Theron’s fear of red carpets, which she still believes are made entirely of rocking horse blood. Meanwhile, Reynolds is still in contact with his ex wife, Scarlett Johansson, because he didn’t understand what she meant when she told him ‘I don’t love you anymore’.

Next week: Reynolds and Theron are told that ice cubes are made from very cold water.

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You don’t really care who Tori Spelling is but, alas, it is the slowest news day of 2011 thus far. This means that not only are we struggling to find celebrities to write about, but the poor paparazzi are chasing absolutely anyone now.

And because all the proper celebrities have obviously taken the day off, every single photographer on Earth decided to harass Tori Spelling because she just happened to be passing and they half recognised her from when she used to be in Beverley Hills 90210.

Sadly for Spelling, she’s not equipped to deal with the press these days and ended up crashing her and her pregnant stomach through a concrete wall which shielded screaming children. Oooops.

So what happened then? Well, Tori says:

“Paparazzi chased me with the kids to school”

“I was trying to get away and had a pretty big accident.”

“I took down whole wall of school. He then still got out to try to get pics. Ten school moms chased him away. What will it take? Someone dying for paparazzi to stop? Going to doctor now to check on the baby. I think it’s just shock.”

What will it take? Someone dying? Lest you forget, Tori dear, that the paparazzi contributed heavily to Princess Diana decorating the inside of a tunnel with her insides.

Idiot.

Anyway, should you be one of those hideous sycophants that cares about all babies, regardless of whether they’ll grow into monumental shit-hampers, Spelling’s seems to be fine.

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It’s nice to know that, even though you’re widely regarded to be one of the most beautiful humans who ever walked this pathetic excuse of a planet, you can still be hugely flawed and make an idiot of yourself before someone you really, really fancy.

We’re talking about Scarlett Johansson and her besottery with Sean Penn, perhaps one of the most baffling celebrity hook-ups in a decade, what with him having a face like wrinkled elbow-scrag.

See, it appears that the romance between the Hollywood beaut and the wizened actor had to die because Scarlett was into Penn way too much, leaving him widening his eyes and mouthing ‘What the f…’

It seems that our Scarlett was “besotted” with Penn, who didn’t need all that in his life, especially given that Johansson’s divorce hasn’t even gone through yet.

After a five-month affair, the pair knocked the relationship on the head, leaving everyone with a palpable sense of balance being restored in The Force.

A source, speaking with absolutely zero authority on the matter, says:

“Sean is simply not ready for a long-term or very serious relationship, given it’s too soon since he and Robin [Wright] divorced. Scarlett’s intensity just scared him – which is kind of funny, given how intense Sean is”

So what kind of intensity are we talking about here?

Well, apparently Scarlett just decided that she’d move in with Penn in his Los Angeles mansion, which is presumably still full of his ex-wife’s stuff… not to mention the echoes of Sean Penn crying “JESUS WEPT! SHE’S MOVED IN! I’VE ONLY KNOWN HER FIVE MINUTES! Great rack though… so… er… ”

A source close to Sean says that the actor started to “totally freak out” when “a very emotionally needy” Scarlett moved in.

Wow. Not just us then. Brill.

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You may well think that Scarlett Johansson is the most beautiful woman you’ve even seen, which probably means that you think you don’t stand a chance of ever making out with her. Well you do, because she’s decided to tap a troll-faced Sean Penn. Repeatedly. While Barack Obama watches on.

That’s right mingers, Johansson has long been rumoured to be swapping fluids with Penn, despite the fact he could curdle the vapour in the air with his foul face.

And while in the presence of President Obama, Mila Kunis and Donald Trump, Scarlett decided to indulge in a spot of heavy petting with Penn at Saturday’s White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington, D.C. Honestly. They were like teenagers at a roller disco, all grunting and dribbles.

One eye witness, desperate to tell anyone in earshot about the people they’d seen with more talent that them, breathlessly panted:

“It happened right as the main course of the dinner was being put on the table”

“Scarlett was pawing at Sean, holding on to his hip while he was smoking. She gave him a short kiss. But then they took a walk some 30 feet away, broke off from the group and kissed some more.”

What were they doing?! Did Penn get to second or third base in a hedge? Did they slope off and buy cheap booze and promise to make each other mix tapes? DID SEAN PENN SEE SCARLETT JOHANSSON’S BRA?

“Around 1 a.m. Sean and Scarlett were side by side for the rest of the night. When they were walking out the door, Sean stopped her, took off his jacket and put it on her shoulders, saying, ‘It’s cold out there.’ They then grabbed hands and walked out before 3 a.m.”

You may think that is a selfless act of chivalry. You couldn’t be more wrong. The ‘jacket over the shoulder’ trick is celebrity code for sex. The coat is a metaphor for the sheath worn by those not wanting to ride bareback in the sheets, the exposed shoulder being the recipients willingness to receive such ‘gentlemanly activity’.

So basically, Sean Penn told the world that he was off for some hardcore action with that woman you fancy.

But why did Penn attend at meeting at The Hill with all those politicians? Well, in what could easily be more celebrity code, he said:

“I’m mostly here for Haiti, and I want to help bring some attention to that crisis.”

We can’t even imagine what that could mean. You’re not even listening are you. You’re still thinking of Scarlett Johansson’s boobs aren’t you?

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With everyone in the celebsphere growing babies inside them (including the men – stars are like seahorses in that respect), it only seems right that faded starlets should join in, in the hope that scum like us should write about them so the world can collectively shrug.

And brace yourself for one of the tiniest shrugs you’ll ever do.

Tori Spelling is having a baby! Who? You may remember her as being the airhead one from the original Beverly Hills 90210. Yeah. That one. Her dad is Aaron Spelling, the man responsible for The Love Boat, TJ Hooker and Hart to Hart.

Talking to the only thing that will listen – Twitter – Spelling said that she and her husband Dean McDermott are expecting their third child. They already had two? Who knew?

“I know there’s been a lot of speculation, so I wanted everyone to hear from me … It’s official … Dean & I are PREGNANT!!!!”

OK! Magazine, arbiters of even more pointless tat than hecklerspray, had already pointed at Spelling’s stomach and assumed a baby in it after seeing her at the GLAAD awards ceremony.

If that wasn’t bad enough, Spelling’s also got children pestering her for a sibling all the time, presumably trying to get their parents drunk enough to have sex with each other repeatedly. The little weirdos.

“They’re starting to understand when they see women with pregnant bellies and then they’re like, ‘Mama, when are you going to have a baby in your belly?’”

Sinister.

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