Poor famous people. They get plebs saying nasty things to them, which is of course, completely different to the lives of us normal troglodytes who spend an eternity being thoroughly pleasant to each other, without cross words ever uttered.

One such sad case is Kylie who has had to call the police because someone wrote some nasty words on twitter.

No, honestly.

Kylie (real name Jason Donovan) took to twitter (aka The confession booth for the rich and famous) to tell all her followers about the abuse she had suffered, calling her stalker a “weirdo” and adding that she had alerted the police about their  tweets.

Kylie – who irritatingly calls all of her fans ‘lovers’ after she’d noticed Lady GaGa had come up with a specific nickname for all her fans – posted on her official page:

“I love 1,033,861 of you LOVERS, but 1 is not a lover, just a deluded weirdo making threats #andthatdoesnotmakeyouspecial So…police alerted.”

In fairness to the mental one, calling the police on them DOES make them special. If they weren’t getting special treatment, you’d be phoning the police about all your fans, right Kylie?

Naturally, Minogue’s Lovers were mobilised enough to then retweet her message in some kind of pointless support, with one writing:

“I hope whoever’s threatening @kylieminogue knows there’s more than 1,000,000 of us ready to jump to her defence.”

WHAT WILL THEY DO? Set up a nasty Tumblr?! Seethe through a hashtag? Stomp around their living rooms for a bit shouting at the ether? Listen to ‘Spinning Around’ REALLY LOUDLY?

Honestly. If Kylie had an army, it would be under 5ft tall and all sickly and thin, reeking of poppers and microwavable pizzas.

Once upon a time, bands and artists were nominated for musical awards based on the merit of the audio they committed to LPs. Now, it seems that you can predict the nominees for ceremonies months in advance. Lady Gaga could release an album where she tapes herself constructing a shelf. It could sell bugger-all, but if a good marketing campaign backs it up, then some idiot will buy it.

Hooray for the humble PR team, the people who are paid to promote artists and generate advertising for them at inappropriate times – such as Take That on every single TV show and advert when opportunity becomes available.

Given that, let us offer our worthless opinion for this year’s nominations that had a great marketing team, appeared at festivals or featured in trashy magazines.

It isn’t all bad news though, we can happily report that Muse didn’t receive any nominations and nobody on the Brit committee decided to award Michael Jackson another post-death statue.

However, just like fans of the two artists mentioned, the ceremony will be devoid of laughs and personality as James Corden attempts to host. Perhaps he’ll just resort to running around with belly out for a couple of cheap thrills. Oh how the O2 arena will erupt into a lol frenzy.

Looking at the lists in all the categories, one thing stands out to us (once we cast aside any musical prejudice).

Every single person is instantly recongnisable and seemingly nominated because they’ve sold a bucket load of records. Of course, this seems obvious as “pop” is short for “popular”, but amazingly, there are all sorts of hidden gems that never get played, mainly because the music industry is close to imploding. Anyone daring to play something or even experimental may find it backfires and ends up short on sales.

Therefore, household names like Cheryl “coz am worth it pet” Cole, Eminem and the Glee Cast are being handed nominations on a plate. Cole’s album is nothing more than a ropey cash-in based on the seeming love for the electro sound and songs all about her marriage. As for Eminem? He did that song with the lovely Rihanna, focusing on happy themes such as domestic violence, even though he did something similar with Dido on the track Stan. And Glee? Well, that is nothing more than sugar coated karaoke featuring children who look innocent and sweet, but they’d probably form a crime syndicate if they weren’t actors.

Even though “celebrity” is muscling in on the modern day award ceremony with rock n roll behavior being classed as staying up till 2AM and squirting someone with ketchup, a small lifeline to music is still being offered.

Best Producer may throw up names that aren’t instantly recogniseable, but without these people, half the records on the shelves wouldn’t be there. Whilst bands might be able to pluck a guitar sweetly, they mightn’t have the technical ability and skills to record the sounds, subsequently arranging and manipulating audio in to songs. Whilst a band may have four official members, the unknown fifth is always the producer.

The Brits always offers supposed change and diversity, but these categories are still the same old boring ones we’re used to seeing. Why not dedicate something towards new artists by having an award for “best debut album”. Best breakthrough is a basic term for “artist who became really popular and sold loads of records”. Elsewhere, “best independent label” wouldn’t go a miss, so recognition could be shown to labels actively hunting and promoting underground music.

Or thinking out of the box completely, looking at sub-genres in established genres, such as the currently popular dubstep in electronic music.

Come the time the awards are dished out, we probably won’t feel any more excitement than we currently do. Saying that, as long as lovely Rihanna wins, that’ll make us happy. The full nominations below:

BRITISH MALE SOLO ARTIST
Mark Ronson
Paul Weller
Plan B
Robert Plant
Tinie Tempah

BRITISH FEMALE SOLO ARTIST
Cheryl Cole
Ellie Goulding
Laura Marling
Paloma Faith
Rumer

BRITISH BREAKTHROUGH ACT
Ellie Goulding
Mumford & Sons
Rumer
Tinie Tempah
The xx

BRITISH GROUP
Biffy Clyro
Gorillaz
Mumford & Sons
Take That
The xx

BRITISH SINGLE
Alexandra Burke ft Pitbull – All Night Long
Cheryl Cole – Parachute
Florence & The Machine – You’ve Got The Love
Matt Cardle – When We Collide
Olly Murs – Please Don’t Let Me Go
Plan B – She Said
Scouting for Girls – This Ain’t A Love Song
Taio Cruz – Dynamite
Tinie Tempah – Pass Out
The Wanted – All Time Low

MASTERCARD BRITISH ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Mumford & Sons – Sigh No More
Plan B – The Defamation of Strickland Banks
Take That – Progress
Tinie Tempah – Disc-Overy
The xx – XX

INTERNATIONAL MALE SOLO ARTIST
Bruce Springsteen
Cee Lo Green
David Guetta
Eminem
Kanye West

INTERNATIONAL FEMALE SOLO ARTIST
Alicia Keys
Katy Perry
Kylie Minogue
Rihanna
Robyn

INTERNATIONAL BREAKTHROUGH ACT
Bruno Mars
Glee Cast
Justin Bieber
The National
The Temper Trap

INTERNATIONAL GROUP
Arcade Fire
Black Eyed Peas
Kings of Leon
The Script
Vampire Weekend

INTERNATIONAL ALBUM
Arcade Fire – The Suburbs
Cee Lo Green – The Lady Killer
Eminem – Recovery
Katy Perry – Teenage Dream
Kings of Leon – Come Around Sundown

CRITICS’ CHOICE
Jessie J
James Blake
The Vaccines

BRITISH PRODUCER
Ethan Johns
John Leckie
Markus Dravs
Mike Pela
Stuart Price

Kylie Minogue is no longer brave. She’s just plain ol’ Kylie these days, which is useful for those amongst you who simply thought of her as a vehicle solely for your onanistic pleasures. You can’t go slapping your genitals around over someone who is potentially about to die can you?

Really? You sick swine.

Well, now Kylie is getting better after having horrible cancer, she’s looking into ways she can get pregnant, leaving some of you thinking of sticking your penis in her repeatedly, trying to quieten the voice in your heads which says ‘She can’t get pregnant because of her cancer treatment you awful, awful excuse for a human!’

As so, while you daydream of humping Kylie’s tiny little frame into oblivion, she’s been looking into having a baby through an egg-donor.

Again, the mucky minded of you are probably thinking “I’ll donate some baby gravy to Kylie! Right up her! And possibly on her face as well, just to be on the safe side.”

Of course, Kylie isn’t single. She’s been dating some handsome Spaniard called Andres Velencoso for a couple of years, which means she’s invariably got the opportunity to have repeated and unprotected sex with someone she actually fancies and trusts, as opposed to a hideous lump of sausage-meat like you.

She’s been weighing up various options in the hope of getting pregnant in the future after treatment for breast cancer in 2005 left her doubtful she is able to have children naturally.

She explained:

“I’ve looked into various options. I don’t know if I’m going to go down any of those roads yet, but I do need to look at what might be potential paths that lead to a family. They can do incredible things now, especially in America.”

Aw. The way she said ‘especially in America’ was quite sweet. Like a schoolkid who imagines that they’ve got shoes made out of holograms Stateside.

Anyway, Kylie has stated that she’s closer to feeling like herself again following her battle with the disease.

“I don’t want to lose any more weight. I just need to get my fitness up. I do feel that then I’ll almost be back in my own body, which would be great. I felt for such a long time that I was in a stranger’s body.”

There you go. She’s well enough for you to openly perv over now.

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You know Kylie Minogue? Yeah – her who was in Neighbours and went out with him from INXS before he died (it’d be plain weird if she went out with him after he’d died). She sings a bit too, when she’s not being brave.

As she’s only little, she can’t really do a mammoth tour. Presumably, because the recording industry is in such disarray, she’s made to walk the length of countries in order to tour so, with that, she’s not playing many gigs at selected huge venues.

This is all in support of her Aphrodite LP and she’ll be donning her walking boots next year.

The tour is called ‘Aphrodite – Les Folies Tour 2011′ and comprises two dates in Scotland, two in Manchester and two in London.

Those seeking to watch her abroad will have to wait as she’s not announced those dates yet.

“The reaction to Aphrodite’s been absolutely incredible and has inspired me and my creative team to develop a new show that will take all of us on a euphoric journey of joy, excitement and glamour. I can’t wait to get on the road and see all my fans in 2011.”

That’s what Kylie said in a press release.

Tickets go on sale on September 13th.

March 28 – Glasgow SECC

March 29 – Glasgow SECC

April 1 – Manchester, Evening News Arena

April 2 – Manchester, Evening News Arena

April 7 – London, The O2

April 8 – London, The O2

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The pop industry has a lot to answer for.

It has created a lot of monsters. Simon Cowell and Kerry Katona spring to mind immediately. But female pop stars are not all talentless bints who clutter up newspapers and snarky entertainment sites (thanks for that) with their inane chatter and their lady bits.

Some of them look nice too. In fact, some of them are incredibly sexy. Oh, and some of them can sing too – but not that many.

So, in the latest excuse to comb the internet for sexy pictures of girls, Hecklerspray has decided to gather up the sexiest ones and come up with a purely subjective running order. As always, please feel free to let us know what you think. Enjoy.

26. Ciara

Has an album called Fantasy Ride. We could not have put it better ourselves.

25. Fergie


“I have had lesbian experiences in the past. I won’t say how many men I’ve had sex with — but I am a very sexual person.” The case rests.

24. Christina Aguilera

A dirrrty, dirrrty girl.

23. Britney Spears

Everyone’s favourite nut.

22. Heidi from Sugababes

Will always be remembered as ‘the fit one from the Sugababes’.

21. Katy Perry

Do you think we are so easily won over by her releasing a song about her kissing a girl? Probably. Pathetic, isn’t it?

20. Madonna

Old vinegar tits must be glad all that hard work doesn’t go to waste. But for how long?

19. Shakira

Mad as a box of snakes, but undeniably sexy.

18. Rihanna

Even managed to make umbrellas sexy. Ella, ella…

17. Leona Lewis

The only good thing Simon Cowell has ever done.

16. Sarah Harding

The party girl of Girls Aloud has a filthy mouth and drinks like a fish. Now that is perfect.

15. Nelly Furtado

Her music stinks, but, who cares? Just turn down the sound and watch the video instead.

14. Gwen Stefani

Well, she gives us a Stefani. OK, so it was a terrible joke.

13. Lily Allen

Annoying, pathetic, talentless bitch – but you would, wouldn’t you?

12. Rachel Stevens

We were told the other day the very sexy S Club star is still producing albums. Who knew?

11. Jessica Simpson

She has her knockers, but despite being dumber than a headless ox, Jessica Simpson, errr, has great knockers.

10. Hilary Duff

There are a lot of Duff things about Hilary, but her body is not one of them.

9. Natalie Imbruglia

Neighbours was never the same after she left.

8. J-Lo

Another horrible human being, but could you resist that arse?

7. Alizee

One of the few good things to come out of France.

6. Nicole Scherzinger

The leader of The Pussycat Dolls and the girlfriend of Formula One world champion Lewis Hamilton, but don’t hold that against her.

5. Alicia Keys

So sexy we have even forgiven her for the James Bond track. Almost.

4. Christina Milian

Simply stunning.

3. Kylie

Good things come in small packages. They don’t get much finer than Kylie.

2. Cheryl Cole

Famous for beating up toilet attendants, marrying a complete tit and, most importantly, being the sexiest member of Girls Aloud. Which is no mean feat.

1. Beyonce

Possibly the sexiest thing on two legs.

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Tonight, ITV wipes its entire schedule of supposed entertainment to bring us the Brit Awards 2009.

It may not have happened yet, but we can’t see it being edgy, cool or vaguely risky. The show goes out at 8pm, leaving today’s young pop stars with an entire hour to swear before the watershed kicks in.

Just over a week ago, we watched the Grammys which quite frankly overshadowed the entire Brits ceremony. Not only did the Grammys have a million categories where nearly everyone can win, but we don’t expect there to be any pre-show scraps like the alleged one between Rihanna and Chris Brown. Unless someone attacks Chris Martin with a pack of streaky bacon.

Hosted by Kylie and the two blokes from Gavin And Stacy, we’ll no doubt see references to their own show multiple times during the Brits. Well, that and Kylie putting on her best fake smile when she doesn’t get all the references towards Cumberland sausage.

Its shame really that M.I.A couldn’t keep her newborn child inside her belly for an extra week. How selfish of how to boost the Grammy ratings with a potential live birth. Poor Fearne Cotton would have been perfect to follow the event live on a special ITV2 show. Imagine her mopping up M.I.A’s broken waters and getting the first interview with the child.

Coldplay, Duffy, Elbow, Radiohead and The Ting Tings have all been nominated for best British album. This strikes us as nothing short of an amazing feat for Radiohead to be nominated. Not because it’s a rubbish record, but their In Rainbows album was released in 2007. It became downloadable in October and physically went on sale in December. Perhaps the organisers didn’t want to nominate Estelle in case she did a wonky dance as an acceptance speech. Or maybe everything else released last year was utter gash.

We’d go through each and every nomination, but to be honest it’ll be a waste of your time. Despite winning the Mercury prize, Elbow will win bugger all, Coldplay will sweep the board and make cheesy acceptance speeches and Take That will have to do with their music being used in supermarket adverts.

But what about the entertainment on the night? Who is going to perform at the ceremony and no doubt see their record sales/downloads rise dramatically the next day. Make sure your socks don’t blow off, because the following people are going to be singing and messing up dance routines. Coldplay, Duffy, Estelle, The Ting Tings, Pet Shop Boys, Girls Aloud, Kings Of Leon, Take That and bloody U2.

Yes, U2 are going to be providing us with a performance with their latest single in an attempt to get more people to like it and get over its strange title. We don’t know if Bono plans to spice it up with some visual imagery of dying children, topped off with a speech about how economically fucked we are.

Each year, the ceremony honours a band/artist who in the eyes of the BPI has contributed outstandingly to music. This year, synth-based techno duo The Pet Shop Boys get the dubious honour. With fifty million sales behind them, we can’t really argue with how successful they are. At least they kept Simply Red out for another year.

Will someone turn up drunk at the ceremony? How many swearwords will be uttered? Who’ll balls up their acceptance speech and fall off the stage? No-one knows! Tune in to ITV from 8pm tonight to see the supposed best of British music being celebrated.

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Lindsay Lohan wants to merge the musical styles of Kylie and Rihanna for her upcoming album.

Lindsay Lohan is determined to pursue her music career, according to The Daily Telegraph (of Australia), with Kylie's and Rihanna's back catalogue the inspiration behind her new record. Lohan said:

"I want it to be dance. I want it to be kind of Kylie Minogue meets Rihanna. I hope to tour with it and I hope to really promote it. I've already done three songs. I'm doing my third in New York, actually."

Now, although you may be thinking that it would be a pointless task traveling to New York to finish a song she’s just told us she’s already finished, don’t have a go at her. How about you just put your cynical self to the side for just one moment and wish her all the best? Why not spread a bit of love for a change?

Would you take the piss out of Steven Hawking if he tried to stand up by himself? No, you wouldn’t, so why take the piss out of Lindsay trying to sing? 

Upon being asked as to whether any of her new songs would reflect the troubles of her past year, Lohan said:

"I'm not sure yet, I don't know if I really want to (reflect on them). I think the past is the past and it should be kept there. It's a new slate for me and I want to show that in my new record."

And that’s her prerogative, guys. Shame though, because we were all looking forward to such classics as 'Woke up this morning saw my chuff in the paper’, ‘They told me to go to rehab, I said sure, sure, sure’ and ‘Like A Virgin, Touched For The 5,000th time’.

That’s all well and good and hilarious, but it’s also quite cruel when you think about it. Just like it was when reports of a sex video starring her were leaked on the internet. How would you feel if a grainy image of you eating Callum Best’s dirty fudgestick was circling the internet? The humiliation would surely be enough to drive you to stupidity too.

So let's all forget about how rubbish she is at most things, and try focusing on the positive aspects.

Feel free to point them out below.

Read more – Lindsay wants to be Kylie – The Daily Telegraph