Poor famous people. They get plebs saying nasty things to them, which is of course, completely different to the lives of us normal troglodytes who spend an eternity being thoroughly pleasant to each other, without cross words ever uttered.

One such sad case is Kylie who has had to call the police because someone wrote some nasty words on twitter.

No, honestly.

Kylie (real name Jason Donovan) took to twitter (aka The confession booth for the rich and famous) to tell all her followers about the abuse she had suffered, calling her stalker a “weirdo” and adding that she had alerted the police about their  tweets.

Kylie – who irritatingly calls all of her fans ‘lovers’ after she’d noticed Lady GaGa had come up with a specific nickname for all her fans – posted on her official page:

“I love 1,033,861 of you LOVERS, but 1 is not a lover, just a deluded weirdo making threats #andthatdoesnotmakeyouspecial So…police alerted.”

In fairness to the mental one, calling the police on them DOES make them special. If they weren’t getting special treatment, you’d be phoning the police about all your fans, right Kylie?

Naturally, Minogue’s Lovers were mobilised enough to then retweet her message in some kind of pointless support, with one writing:

“I hope whoever’s threatening @kylieminogue knows there’s more than 1,000,000 of us ready to jump to her defence.”

WHAT WILL THEY DO? Set up a nasty Tumblr?! Seethe through a hashtag? Stomp around their living rooms for a bit shouting at the ether? Listen to ‘Spinning Around’ REALLY LOUDLY?

Honestly. If Kylie had an army, it would be under 5ft tall and all sickly and thin, reeking of poppers and microwavable pizzas.

We feel sorry for Dannii Minogue: she’s never really had it as good as her older sibling. Kylie has been given all of the bigger, better and catchier pop hits, she looks better and oddly, Kylie has been given her own range of car adverts which don’t make any sense. Perhaps Simon Cowell gave Dannii the X-Factor job out of pity. Or he lost a bet.

Even though the actual show hasn’t started, X-Factor has bored us rigid already. Cowell has buggered off to launch it in America while Cheryl Cole finally was announced as judge after the American authorities turned a blind eye to her conviction of assault. Arguably, the shows two biggest judges have gone Stateside, leaving Kylie Minogue’s sister and Louise Walsh to crush the dreams of thousands.

Only problem is that says before filming starts, Kylie Minogue’s sister has left the show. Surely this couldn’t be a PR stunt?

In theory, this leaves Louise Walsh left to judge solo, therefore guaranteeing that nearly all the Irish acts will get through. History will surely repeat itself this year as he gives us yet another rubbish act from his homeland. Just look at Jedward and the woman who worked in Tesco. Saying that though, we might have to stop being rude to Jedward seeing they finished higher than the UK in Saturdays Eurovision song contest. Though, it was only Blue they had to battle. Nobody decent.

So why has Kylie Minogue’s sister decided to quit the UK version of the X Factor? Is it down to visa issues? If that had been true, she could have hilariously been shipped off on a prison ship back to her native Australia, but sadly it couldn’t be more from the truth. She said:

“During discussions for me to return it became clear that, unfortunately, the audition dates in the UK clash with my live shows of Australia’s Got Talent during June and July.”

Yup. We’re thinking what you are. Somehow, Kylie Minogue’s sister has got herself work though we’re not entirely sure what talent our Australian buddies have to offer. Can someone play the didgeridoo whilst on a BMX made out of lager? How about fitting in a kangaroos pouch while singing Especially For You? Or will someone recreate Michael Hutchence last moments on Earth with a sad clown face painted on their genitals?

Honest, we just don’t know. Though they’ll probably be someone there proudly displaying his or her collection of knives like Crocodile Dundee.

Damn work commitments, what a pain in the arse, it means that we can’t see a second rate pop star tell slightly worse singers than her that they’ll never make the pub circuit. So who’s lined-up to replace her? Is it someone well known and loved across the world like erm…Britney Spears? Imagine the fun we’d have of potential mental breakdowns every week. Whilst we’d all love to see that, we never will. Instead, we’re going to get Tulisa Contostavlos from N-Dubz.

Tulisa is from ghetto street band N-Dubz who sing gangster raps about stealing sweets from the corner shop and penning moody R&B ballads about dirtying their box-fresh trainers. Even though she has been confirmed a judge by various papers, no comment has been released yet. Perhaps she is trying to write down a sentence in her best handwriting.

People might argue that Tulisa won’t connect with the X-Factor audience, but if the X-Factor production team want someone who’ll come across as a moron like half the people who audition, they’ve struck gold!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Kylie Minogue is no longer brave. She’s just plain ol’ Kylie these days, which is useful for those amongst you who simply thought of her as a vehicle solely for your onanistic pleasures. You can’t go slapping your genitals around over someone who is potentially about to die can you?

Really? You sick swine.

Well, now Kylie is getting better after having horrible cancer, she’s looking into ways she can get pregnant, leaving some of you thinking of sticking your penis in her repeatedly, trying to quieten the voice in your heads which says ‘She can’t get pregnant because of her cancer treatment you awful, awful excuse for a human!’

As so, while you daydream of humping Kylie’s tiny little frame into oblivion, she’s been looking into having a baby through an egg-donor.

Again, the mucky minded of you are probably thinking “I’ll donate some baby gravy to Kylie! Right up her! And possibly on her face as well, just to be on the safe side.”

Of course, Kylie isn’t single. She’s been dating some handsome Spaniard called Andres Velencoso for a couple of years, which means she’s invariably got the opportunity to have repeated and unprotected sex with someone she actually fancies and trusts, as opposed to a hideous lump of sausage-meat like you.

She’s been weighing up various options in the hope of getting pregnant in the future after treatment for breast cancer in 2005 left her doubtful she is able to have children naturally.

She explained:

“I’ve looked into various options. I don’t know if I’m going to go down any of those roads yet, but I do need to look at what might be potential paths that lead to a family. They can do incredible things now, especially in America.”

Aw. The way she said ‘especially in America’ was quite sweet. Like a schoolkid who imagines that they’ve got shoes made out of holograms Stateside.

Anyway, Kylie has stated that she’s closer to feeling like herself again following her battle with the disease.

“I don’t want to lose any more weight. I just need to get my fitness up. I do feel that then I’ll almost be back in my own body, which would be great. I felt for such a long time that I was in a stranger’s body.”

There you go. She’s well enough for you to openly perv over now.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

You know Kylie Minogue? Yeah – her who was in Neighbours and went out with him from INXS before he died (it’d be plain weird if she went out with him after he’d died). She sings a bit too, when she’s not being brave.

As she’s only little, she can’t really do a mammoth tour. Presumably, because the recording industry is in such disarray, she’s made to walk the length of countries in order to tour so, with that, she’s not playing many gigs at selected huge venues.

This is all in support of her Aphrodite LP and she’ll be donning her walking boots next year.

The tour is called ‘Aphrodite – Les Folies Tour 2011′ and comprises two dates in Scotland, two in Manchester and two in London.

Those seeking to watch her abroad will have to wait as she’s not announced those dates yet.

“The reaction to Aphrodite’s been absolutely incredible and has inspired me and my creative team to develop a new show that will take all of us on a euphoric journey of joy, excitement and glamour. I can’t wait to get on the road and see all my fans in 2011.”

That’s what Kylie said in a press release.

Tickets go on sale on September 13th.

March 28 – Glasgow SECC

March 29 – Glasgow SECC

April 1 – Manchester, Evening News Arena

April 2 – Manchester, Evening News Arena

April 7 – London, The O2

April 8 – London, The O2

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

The important thing to remember about Kabbalah is that Ashton Kutcher thought it was stupid. Ashton Kutcher.

You know what that means? Because Ashton Kutcher will gormlessly clamber onto every single passing celebrity fad without so much as a second thought, it means that Kabbalah must be really stupid. Incredibly stupid. It must be one of the stupidest things on the face of the planet. Only a true cross-eyed, clueless spanner of a celebrity would sign up to something as stupid as Kabbalah, let alone openly acknowledge it in public.

What’s that? Kylie Minogue has been seen outside wearing a red Kabbalah bracelet? Oh. We refer you to the above paragraph.

Remember when Kylie Minogue and Madonna had their little rivalry last decade? People accused Kylie of stealing Madonna’s style, and Madonna retaliated by wearing a T-shirt with the words ‘Kylie Minogue’ written on it in a sarcastic font. Remember?

It was fun for a while, but nobody thought that Kylie would continue to copy Madonna. Because, as anyone can see, those who copy Madonna all their lives are doomed to end up as little old gap-toothed ladies with veiny arms and a wardrobe of horrible leotards. But has that stopped Kylie Minogue from copying Madonna by taking up Kabbalah? Has it balls. The Daily Mail reports:

The 42-year-old appears to be turning to Kabbalah after being spotted wearing the religion’s red string bracelet yesterday.  Her boyfriend Spanish model Andres Velencoso, 32, is also understood to be interested in the mystical religion. Miss Minogue, born into a Catholic family, has worn the string bracelet for the past month and has also been to Kabbalah meetings.

Seriously, Kylie? Kabbalah? That’s so 2006. People decided that paying £45 for a box of water that a rabbi has looked at and £15 for a bit of string was a horrific waste of money years ago. Get with the program, Minogue! There are plenty of other hokey religions around that won’t make you look nearly as old hat. Like Scientology, for instance, or this new one we heard about where you’re not allowed to have sex before you get married in case it offends the ghost of a man who could knacker fig trees with his mind. Mental.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Coldplay, like you didn’t already know, have an album coming out soon entitled Look Mummy I’m Just Like Bono! Wheeee! Or something.

And, from what we’ve heard, the new Coldplay album is a lot like the old Coldplay album – it’s all inoffensively big-sounding and the lyrics don’t make much sense and it’ll work decently enough as a soundtrack to those bi-monthly trips to Habitat with the kids. But one thing it isn’t is sexy.

Never fear, though, because Coldplay have already found a solution – they’ve apparently recorded a duet with Kylie. It would have been on their new album, too, except that Chris Martin says it’s “just too sexy”. Hecklerspray accepts no liability for the almost-guaranteed permanent loss of libido caused by reading that last sentence.

It’s great that Coldplay are back, isn’t it? Really, we’re not joking – if there’s one thing we enjoy it’s the sight of a band cartwheeling around on an iTunes advert in silhouette, so we don’t have to look at their shameful apologetic faces during it.

And make no mistake, Coldplay are back. Their new album Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends comes out on June 12; the band’s next step in their interminable ‘write album/ claim album is best album ever/ release album/ disown album/ write album’ recording cycle. The first single from the album was downloaded by two million mostly underwhelmed people, so everything’s in place for it to be tediously ubiquitous once it comes out.

And Coldplay aren’t taking any chances with this one, either – as well as free downloads and iTunes adverts and vinyl singles glued to magazines, the band wants to make sure that Viva La Vida doesn’t cause any adverse reactions – like making people involuntarily vomit and cry and deliberately shun all forms of human intimacy for the rest of their lives. And that’s why a duet that Coldplay recorded with Kylie won’t be appearing on the album.

Yes, Coldplay recorded a duet with Kylie. Apparently, it’s ‘too sexy’. We’re scared too. The Mirror reports:

Chris Martin has revealed Coldplay’s collaboration with Kylie will be released next year because it was too sexy to include on their new album. When he was asked why it didnt make it on to latest record Viva La Vida, he said: “Well, its just too sexy. At this point, we cannot be that sexy, also we haven’t quite finished it. It’s a song called Lunar and Kylie is particularly brilliant on it.”

Mmm, sexy. A scrawny-looking vegetarian who names his children after fruit and mad-eyed biblical figures singing a saucy song with a 40-year-old midget whose face increasingly resembles the Scream mask with a prolapsed eyebrow.

Thank God Coldplay didn’t release it – just think of all the spontaneous municipal orgies that’d happen every time it got played on the radio. Really, their concern for public hygiene is second to none.

Don’t get too comfortable, though, because Chris Martin is adamant the Kylie collaboration will be released on a record planned for the future. That record – Coldplay Sings The Songs That’ll Make You Sit In The Corner Of A Room In The Dark Trying To Claw The Repulsion From Your Skin With Your Fingernails – is due out next year, by the way.

Lindsay Lohan wants to merge the musical styles of Kylie and Rihanna for her upcoming album.

Lindsay Lohan is determined to pursue her music career, according to The Daily Telegraph (of Australia), with Kylie's and Rihanna's back catalogue the inspiration behind her new record. Lohan said:

"I want it to be dance. I want it to be kind of Kylie Minogue meets Rihanna. I hope to tour with it and I hope to really promote it. I've already done three songs. I'm doing my third in New York, actually."

Now, although you may be thinking that it would be a pointless task traveling to New York to finish a song she’s just told us she’s already finished, don’t have a go at her. How about you just put your cynical self to the side for just one moment and wish her all the best? Why not spread a bit of love for a change?

Would you take the piss out of Steven Hawking if he tried to stand up by himself? No, you wouldn’t, so why take the piss out of Lindsay trying to sing? 

Upon being asked as to whether any of her new songs would reflect the troubles of her past year, Lohan said:

"I'm not sure yet, I don't know if I really want to (reflect on them). I think the past is the past and it should be kept there. It's a new slate for me and I want to show that in my new record."

And that’s her prerogative, guys. Shame though, because we were all looking forward to such classics as 'Woke up this morning saw my chuff in the paper’, ‘They told me to go to rehab, I said sure, sure, sure’ and ‘Like A Virgin, Touched For The 5,000th time’.

That’s all well and good and hilarious, but it’s also quite cruel when you think about it. Just like it was when reports of a sex video starring her were leaked on the internet. How would you feel if a grainy image of you eating Callum Best’s dirty fudgestick was circling the internet? The humiliation would surely be enough to drive you to stupidity too.

So let's all forget about how rubbish she is at most things, and try focusing on the positive aspects.

Feel free to point them out below.

Read more – Lindsay wants to be Kylie – The Daily Telegraph

In the history of the world, there's never been a more magical couple than Kylie Minogue and that French bloke, whatever his name is.

But sadly Kylie Minogue and Oliver Martinez – that's his name – split up last year, instantly killing our hopes that they'd eventually have a half-French midget baby with unexplainably tight facial skin.

However, now it looks like Kylie Minogue and Olivier Martinez are back together, and the baby plans are back on. And not a moment too soon – we want to see if Kylie Minogue's range of one and a half facial expressions is genetic.

Kylie Minogue has had a rubbish couple of years. Not because she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to go through a long, painful period of treatment – or because her comeback tour was ravaged by overwork and illness – but because, for a short period of time last autumn, it looked as if Dannii might become the most famous Minogue sister. Imagine a world where Dannii Minogue is more famous than Kylie. Horrible, isn't it. Horrible and wrong.

But now Kylie Minogue is over the worst of it and everything's plain sailing again. Her appearance on Doctor Who didn't completely ruin everyone's Christmas, she's got a new single coming out that couldn't sound any more like a jittery karaoke version of Holiday by Madonna if it tried and, what's more, Kylie Minogue is in love again, to that bloke she was in love with last time.

Apparently Kylie Minogue is back together with Olivier Martinez – the man who she dumped after it looked like he might have slept with Penelope Cruz. Hello reports:

Aussie songstress Kylie Minogue is reportedly "overwhelmed with happiness" after rekindling her romance with former flame Olivier Martinez. "Kylie has taken him back – with a new set of rules," reveals a friend of the 39-year-old. The couple, who went their separate ways last February after a four-year romance, have reportedly drawn up a long-term plan involving marriage and children. "Ollie has agreed to try for a baby. That was always the stumbling block in their relationship," explains the pal. "They have both been single for a year and Kylie has realised she has never had anyone that has matched up to him…" 

It'll be interesting to see how Kylie Minogue's fans react to this development, since it wasn't so long ago that they all wanted him dead. But at least they'll be pleased that Kylie has maximised on Olivier's pitiful pleading and managed to guilt him into marrying her and fathering her child. After all, everyone knows that the best way to keep a man is to make a fixed set of rules for him to abide by and then force him to make you pregnant. That way he'll never have it off with pretty Spanish actresses again.

But what does Kylie Minogue think about all of this? It's one thing to have your feelings described by a glossy celebrity-friendly magazine, but quite another to actually express them in person. Luckily Kylie Minogue has KylieKonnect, her MySpace-style social networking site to keep her closer to her fans than ever before. So what does Kylie Minogue have to say about her reunion with Olivier Martinez on KylieKonnect?

Kylie graces the cover of this month's 'Woman and Home' magazine to
promote her range of bedlinen that is coming out in late February!

Oh.

Read more:

Kylie 'overwhelmed with happiness' after reunion with former beau Olivier – Hello

It was once said that everybody is doing a brand new dance now, and that we should perform said dance, known as the locomotion. It was Kylie Minogue who made that statement, and it just so happens that she also starred in this year’s epic Doctor Who special as a delightfully downtrodden waitress.

The fact that ‘downtrodden’ almost rhymes with ‘wooden’ isn’t just a coincidence; Kylie’s performance was lacking in parts, but fortunately that didn’t detract from the overall enjoyment. The special was set on board the spaceship Titanic and, you guessed it, something went wrong.

Despite the crew and passengers of this intergalactic cruise liner appearing oblivious to Earth’s cultures, the ship was strangely jam-packed with accurate Earth-o-bilia, with one man even boasting of owning a genuine Earth antique dinner jacket.

Throughout the Doctor Who special, it was important to constantly remind yourself that we hadn’t travelled back in time; the passengers were just far more advanced technologically than us. Despite looking the same, wearing the same clothes, and using familiar looking mobile phones, they are more advanced, honest.

This episode was quite reminiscent of the original Poseidon Adventure, with a handily cross-sectional group trying to trawl through the wreckage of the Titanic after being struck by meteors. It later transpired that this was a deliberate act of sabotage on behalf of the gold-toothed man who previously ran the cruise liner company, Max Capricorn, as part of a dastardly plan to exact revenge upon the board who voted him out.

The group, led by the Doctor, had representatives from Titanic; an overweight couple who won their tickets (Leonardo DiCaprio), a selfish upper-class man (Billy Zane), a talking lychee (Fruit), and Kylie Minogue (Kylie Minogue).

A saccharine moment between Kylie and the lychee ensued which touched on lychee-phobia, explaining how they were no longer shunned and could even get married. Comparisons with homosexuality aside, it was moments such as this which seemed rushed, or added as an afterthought. Thankfully, the Doctor seemed as disinterested in the micro-histories of each character as we were, blissfully ignoring them while preparing his cringeworthy speech about being 903 years old, a time lord, and overly dramatic.

An entertaining although tired plot with spectacular special effects and most important of all, Doctor Who saves the Queen and her Corgis. While excruciatingly painful in places, the wincing was worthwhile even just to hear that immortal line, “only Britain is great.”

[review by Keith Emmerson]

Remember when this series of X Factor started and everyone said that the final this year would be an orgy of megastardom, topped off with the triumphant live return of Michael Jackson?

Things haven't quite worked out that way. Instead, the special celebrity guests set to appear on Saturday's X Factor final are Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan – a woman with an underperforming album and a man most recently seen on TV advertising prawn rings with Kerry Katona during I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. We're going to have to invest in some lead-lined sunglasses before Saturday's X Factor final, in case the incandescent star wattage of two people who recorded an ironic Christmas power ballad together 19 years ago burns our eyeballs into raisins.

Don't tell anyone, but this season of X Factor has been rubbish. Not rubbish in your typical 'Oooh, reality TV shows are destroying the credibility of real music' way, but rubbish because at various points during this year's X Factor we've found ourselves getting nostalgic for the days of Chico. Chico, for Christ's sake! People have killed themselves for having less disturbing thoughts than that.

The problems with this year's X Factor are obvious – the four-judge dynamic doesn't work, Brian Friedman's over-the-top routines take the onus off the singing, someone's replaced Louis Walsh's hair with a disappointing cloud, the X Factor theme nights have been so hopelessly generic that someone could have sung I Will Always Love You every week and technically got away with it – but two problems outweigh the rest by a mile.

One of these is the quality of the X Factor contestants. The winner of X Factor should prove to the globe that Britain is capable of producing world-beaters – dim but attractive puppets who seem almost genetically engineered to sell millions of records to screaming teenagers. Leona Lewis is doing it right now and even Shayne Ward managed it for a while. But this year the likely winner of X Factor is Rhydian, a Christian Welsh virgin who'll sell millions of records, but only to your gran.

The second problem is the standard of X Factor guest. Where last year there was a generally well-known celebrity guest each week like Rod Stewart and Barry Manilow, Take That and one of Abba and Tony Bennett, this year we've had Celine Dion, someone called Michael Buble, a couple of old X Factor winners and – worst of all – Boyz II Men, a group that not a single person has even thought about thinking about for 15 years. But, hey, the X Factor production team must have been saving the massive names for Saturday's final, right?

Not exactly. It's been reported that for Saturday's X Factor final, the superstar special guests will be Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan. You know, from Neighbours. Apparently Jason Donovan will be singing with creepy would-be children's TV hosts Same Difference while Kylie Minogue will perform with Leon Jackson. As for Rhydian, he'll do a duet with Katherine Jenkins, who we've failed to mention up until this point because we've just thrown out a mouldy loaf of bread with more charismatic star quality than her. A source told The Mirror:

"Each act will do three songs including one with their star act. Leon performing with Kylie is sure to bring in a strong gay vote."

Come on, is this really the best that X Factor can do? Jason Donovan hasn't had a top-ten hit for 16 years, Katherine Jenkins hasn't ever had a top-ten hit and Kylie Minogue?

Well, at least Dannii's done something to earn her money for once.

Read more:

Kylie & Jason On X Factor – Mirror 

Social networking has literally revolutionised the way you keep in touch with people you didn't want to be friends with in the first place, but Kylie Minogue has identified one very serious design flaw.

That is, social networking is fine, but by and large people don't talk about Kylie Minogue very much. Happily, though, Kylie Minogue has remedied this by creating a Facebook-style social network site that's all Kylie Minogue all the time. KylieKonnect is the place where Kylie Minogue fans can register their details, keep in closer contact with Kylie than ever before and share their passion for all things Kylie with all the other Kylie fans in the world. Needless to say, KylieKonnect is probably the gayest little website the world has ever seen.

Kylie Minogue has beaten cancer for a long time now, and she's sufficiently better to release a new single and album this month. That means, finally, that we can stop calling her 'Brave Kylie' and start calling her 'Mediocre Comeback Single Kylie' instead. But watching a middle-aged woman stumbling around on top of a piano isn't how you get the kids to like you any more – no, you need the internet for that now.

And that's why some genius has decided to plunge Kylie Minogue head-first into the world of social networking with the launch of KylieKonnect (see that? They spelt 'connect' with a 'K'! It must be FROM THE FUTURE!). KylieKonnect is Kylie Minogue's slightly egomaniacal attempt to out-do MySpace and Facebook by offering fans the chance to keep their own blogs, upload photos and communicate with other users, so long as you only discuss Kylie Minogue and nothing else unless you want a soldier to come round your house and smash up your computer while humming The Locomotion to punish your insolence.

Anyway, the people behind KylieKonnect have come to the surprising conclusion that KylieKonnect is actually quite brilliant – like the woman in charge of the company that designed it, Julia McNally, who said:

"The whole thing is set up so that Kylie can update her blog and have a closer connection with fans."

Now, we're buggered if we're going to actually sign up to KylieKonnect to tell you what it's like – there's only so far we'll go for you people – but even without any of that we've been able to read the blog that Kylie Minogue probably pays someone to write for her and watch the KylieKonnect introductory video where Kylie Minogue pronounces the words 'social networking' like she's trying to translate an ancient alien language that she's never heard of before. And, to be fair, that was probably enough.

But, hey, KylieKonnect is social networking! And social networking is all about the people who use it, so maybe the Kylie fans will liven things up a bit, starting all sorts of discussions like "What's going on with Kylie Minogue's face?" "I think Kylie's new single is rubbisher than you do", "Why are people letting Kylie Minogue act in the new Doctor Who? Haven't they ever seen Street Fighter?" and "Kylie or Dannii – who gives a shit, frankly".

Despite our cynicism, though, there's every chance that KylieKonnect will catch on and spawn hundreds of imitators. Personally, we can't for RazorlightKonnect to get going, because it's thought that'll be the social networking site that most accurately captures the feeling of sitting in the desert all alone with nobody to talk to, wondering what went so very wrong with your life.