Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Poor famous people. They get plebs saying nasty things to them, which is of course, completely different to the lives of us normal troglodytes who spend an eternity being thoroughly pleasant to each other, without cross words ever uttered.
One such sad case is Kylie who has had to call the police because someone wrote some nasty words on twitter.
No, honestly.
We feel sorry for Dannii Minogue: she's never really had it as good as her older sibling. Kylie has been given all of the bigger, better and catchier pop hits, she looks better and oddly, Kylie has been given her own range of car adverts which don't make any sense. Perhaps Simon Cowell gave Dannii the X-Factor job out of pity. Or he lost a bet.
Even though the actual show hasn't started, X-Factor has bored us rigid already. Cowell has buggered off to launch it in America while Cheryl Cole finally was announced as judge after the American authorities turned a blind eye to her conviction of assault. Arguably, the shows two biggest judges have gone Stateside, leaving Kylie Minogue’s sister and Louise Walsh to crush the dreams of thousands.
Only problem is that says before filming starts, Kylie Minogue’s sister has left the show. Surely this couldn't be a PR stunt?
Kylie Minogue is no longer brave. She’s just plain ol’ Kylie these days, which is useful for those amongst you who simply thought of her as a vehicle solely for your onanistic pleasures. You can’t go slapping your genitals around over someone who is potentially about to die can you?
Really? You sick swine.
Well, now Kylie is getting better after having horrible cancer, she’s looking into ways she can get pregnant, leaving some of you thinking of sticking your penis in her repeatedly, trying to quieten the voice in your heads which says ‘She can’t get pregnant because of her cancer treatment you awful, awful excuse for a human!’
You know Kylie Minogue? Yeah – her who was in Neighbours and went out with him from INXS before he died (it’d be plain weird if she went out with him after he’d died). She sings a bit too, when she’s not being brave.
As she’s only little, she can’t really do a mammoth tour. Presumably, because the recording industry is in such disarray, she’s made to walk the length of countries in order to tour so, with that, she’s not playing many gigs at selected huge venues.
This is all in support of her Aphrodite LP and she’ll be donning her walking boots next year.
The important thing to remember about Kabbalah is that Ashton Kutcher thought it was stupid. Ashton Kutcher.
You know what that means? Because Ashton Kutcher will gormlessly clamber onto every single passing celebrity fad without so much as a second thought, it means that Kabbalah must be really stupid. Incredibly stupid. It must be one of the stupidest things on the face of the planet. Only a true cross-eyed, clueless spanner of a celebrity would sign up to something as stupid as Kabbalah, let alone openly acknowledge it in public.
What’s that? Kylie Minogue has been seen outside wearing a red Kabbalah bracelet? Oh. We refer you to the above paragraph.
Coldplay, like you didn’t already know, have an album coming out soon entitled Look Mummy I’m Just Like Bono! Wheeee! Or something.
And, from what we’ve heard, the new Coldplay album is a lot like the old Coldplay album – it’s all inoffensively big-sounding and the lyrics don’t make much sense and it’ll work decently enough as a soundtrack to those bi-monthly trips to Habitat with the kids. But one thing it isn’t is sexy.
Never fear, though, because Coldplay have already found a solution – they’ve apparently recorded a duet with Kylie. It would have been on their new album, too, except that Chris Martin says it’s “just too sexy”. Hecklerspray accepts no liability for the almost-guaranteed permanent loss of libido caused by reading that last sentence.
Lindsay Lohan wants to merge the musical styles of Kylie and Rihanna for her upcoming album.
Lindsay Lohan is determined to pursue her music career, according to The Daily Telegraph (of Australia), with Kylie's and Rihanna's back catalogue the inspiration behind her new record. Lohan said:
"I want it to be dance. I want it to be kind of Kylie Minogue meets Rihanna. I hope to tour with it and I hope to really promote it. I've already done three songs. I'm doing my third in New York, actually."
In the history of the world, there's never been a more magical couple than Kylie Minogue and that French bloke, whatever his name is.
But sadly Kylie Minogue and Oliver Martinez – that's his name – split up last year, instantly killing our hopes that they'd eventually have a half-French midget baby with unexplainably tight facial skin.
However, now it looks like Kylie Minogue and Olivier Martinez are back together, and the baby plans are back on. And not a moment too soon – we want to see if Kylie Minogue's range of one and a half facial expressions is genetic.
It was once said that everybody is doing a brand new dance now, and that we should perform said dance, known as the locomotion. It was Kylie Minogue who made that statement, and it just so happens that she also starred in this year’s epic Doctor Who special as a delightfully downtrodden waitress.
The fact that ‘downtrodden’ almost rhymes with ‘wooden’ isn’t just a coincidence; Kylie’s performance was lacking in parts, but fortunately that didn’t detract from the overall enjoyment. The special was set on board the spaceship Titanic and, you guessed it, something went wrong.
Remember when this series of X Factor started and everyone said that the final this year would be an orgy of megastardom, topped off with the triumphant live return of Michael Jackson?
Things haven't quite worked out that way. Instead, the special celebrity guests set to appear on Saturday's X Factor final are Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan – a woman with an underperforming album and a man most recently seen on TV advertising prawn rings with Kerry Katona during I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. We're going to have to invest in some lead-lined sunglasses before Saturday's X Factor final, in case the incandescent star wattage of two people who recorded an ironic Christmas power ballad together 19 years ago burns our eyeballs into raisins.
