With all the breathless jizzing that The Beatles: Rock Band has inspired, it’s easy to forget that Guitar Hero 5 is out too.

And that’s a shame. Because in Guitar Hero 5, for the first time ever, you can play songs as Kurt Cobain. Which presumably means that if you complete a song well and become successful, you get depressed and shoot your face off. And yet Guitar Hero is still playing second fiddle to Rock Band. If only there was some way to draw attention to it.

What’s that? Courtney Love has gone on a berserk Twitter curse-rampage about it? Perfect.

It’s difficult to maintain the estate of dead singers, because you constantly have to put yourself in their position. “Would they approve?” quickly becomes your mantra. For instance, it seems likely that John Lennon would have approved of the latest CD remastering of all The Beatles albums, especially the early ones where his primal roar on songs like Twist And Shout sounds more ferocious than ever before.

Similarly, when Courtney Love allowed Activision to create a brand new videogame character version of her dead husband Kurt Cobain for Guitar Hero 5 – who not only plays his own songs but songs by Bon Jovi and Duran Duran – she knew in his heart of hearts that he would have definitely approved. After all, Kurt Cobain wrote Radio Friendly Unit Shifter, a song about his desire to get played on the radio and sell lots of records; and Rape Me, a song directly ordering his loved ones to posthumously exploit his image for capital gain at every opportunity. Talk about a no-brainer.

But – and you might want to brace yourselves for this next bit, because it’s completely unprecedented – Courtney Love has decided to throw a gigantic, near-illegible internet tantrum about it. We know. She’s usually the model of grammatically-perfect restraint, isn’t she?

Apparently Courtney Love is angry at Guitar Hero 5 for creating a Kurt Cobain avatar without her permission. Which is fair enough. Except, you know, for the teensy fact that she did give Guitar Hero 5 permission. And that she signed something to make it legally binding. And that she seems to be aware  that she signed it. But hey, why are we explaining this to you in stupid old-fashioned English that’s relatively easy to understand? Why don’t we just plug you into the direct, endlessly confusing, source of the outburst – Courtney Love’s Twitter feed:

“Have fun with your avatars you slimebags. i rant? Fuck off i have proof youve simply never bothred to look. so fucking play your videogame… we have NOTHING to do with this. it was presented to me and oi said ’show me a better avataR’ TO DRAG MY HEELS., never did i intend on allowing GUITARHERO for me or for Kurt i am NOT yoko fucking Ono no ofense to her, but i am a different person entirely and this is insane…. i was pleasnat to work with? HA i wouldnt show up i made them change all sorts of shit, and even then i had no intention of doing his.“

So that’s that cleared up, then. However, following this rant Courtney Love took her Twitter feed private. Which is a shame, because where are we going to get our legitimately unreadable celebrity garble from now? What? Kirstie Alley? Ah, OK.

Anyway, we hope that Courtney Love and Guitar Hero can find a painless solution to their conflict. Here’s an idea – why don’t Activision release Guitar Hero: Courtney Love? It’d be great, just like a normal Guitar Hero game, except you’re rewarded for thrashing about aimlessly on your guitar, squandering what little promise you once showed and and generally singing like a donkey has just kicked you in the windpipe.

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Surely you can imagine her grave robbing at 3am whilst the rain lashes down? With a cigarette firmly shoved in her cakehole, she’ll scream to any passing squirrels “he’s mine all mine, they blamed me for his death. But they’re wrong! I’ll take him back where he belongs”. You can’t? Oh, shame on you.

We can, and yet our theory of Courtney Love scurrying off in the dead of the night to stuff and mount her dead husband was quickly shit on. It turns out that during a robbery in her LA home, the ashes of grunge’s only credible frontman were nicked. And some clothes and jewellery, lets not forget the small details. Maybe it was Dave Grohl being bonkers as usual and wanting to impersonate her. Drummers, mental aren’t they?

The NME had always reported that the location of Kurt Cobain’s ashes was a highly guarded secret, perhaps locked in a hidden vault five miles below the earth’s surface in Russia. Nope – turns out they were in Courney Love’s house all along. Emphasis on the ‘were’. The ever reliable News of the World reported:

She had kept the singer’s ashes in a pink teddy-bear-shaped bag along with a lock of his hair. But a couple of weeks ago, she was horrified to discover them gone, along with thousands of pounds worth of clothes and jewellery. Courtney said: “I can’t believe anyone would take Kurt’s ashes from me.”I find it disgusting and right now I’m suicidal. If I don’t get them back I don’t know what I’ll do.”

So what’s basically happened is a shit for brains burglar has got more then he’s bargained for. Yup he/she might have gotten a few extra dollars after the robbery, but now they’ve got a funny magic powder on their hands.

Not that we encourage the consumption of the dead, but maybe trying a bit will bring the spirit of Kurt Cobain back into our lives! Who wouldn’t want a constantly depressed man grumbling about life all the time?

On seconds thought, screw that. We’re happy wearing our trendy zombie shoes that he brought out. It makes us feel cooler inside anyway.

Just recently – just yesterday, in fact – it seemed to all that, like Kurt Cobain and Vincent Van Gogh before her, Britney Spears had reached the end of the line. The feeling was she had nothing left to give – and that all she needed now was one small, gentle push into death’s eternal release. Ahh.

But, unlike like Kurt and Vince before her, she has seemingly decided that she actually does have something more to offer and that she is going to tour the world, giving it out for about $100 dollars a ticket!

To all of us who’ve once thought ‘what if Kurt hadn’t died?’ the remainder of Britney Spear's life will no doubt offer the answers we’re after. Maybe nothing, maybe everything, will be justified.

The singer/dancer is said to be in training to hit the road again, which perhaps puts an end to previous ‘Britney’s next step’ rumours, such as becoming a regular on a TV sitcom, or playing the role of a deep-south mental patient on stage, but who knows – perhaps she could do all three?

Imagine if Kurt survived! He may have ended up as a regular on Friends? As Phoebe’s new boyfriend, who doesn’t quite fit into the group because he’s ‘like, so serious?’ and when Chandler makes a sarky remark about Kurt’s uptight demeanor he just gets up and executes them all and then himself. If only he’d lived. Like Britney has been and is doing! Woop-woop! 

A source tells the News Of The World:

"There will be no more on-stage blunders. Britney’s turned a corner and the world will be amazed with her. Things are looking up for Britney. She's finally focusing on her career again."

And the positivity doesn’t even stop there! Britney’s former manager, Larry Rudolph (sacked for trying to get her into rehab) has told Ryan Seacrest on his KISS FM radio show:

"I've seen her a few times over the past week or two. I've spent some time with her just socially. I've gone up to the house. I've sat with her. She's in great shape, I couldn't be happier to see the condition she's in. But this is not a time to talk about business with her. What she needs now is the public to be on her side and root for her, because she deserves it and that means a lot to her. I can't think of a situation where somebody's been set up for a bigger comeback than that girl."

Good for Britney Spears.

It seems all this attention we’ve been giving her is working after all. We told you we cared.

Read More – Britney's back…for $100 Million – NOTW

Read More – Britney's in great shape, says ex-manager – MSN 

From shitting out badgers to changing magic wands into flowers, they make Jesus’ trick of turning water in to wine look like nothing. But if you thought that was impressive, wait until you hear about something magical happening in the fashion world. No, models aren’t upping their dietary intake up to an apple and a Twix a day. Instead, the most unlikely of people is launching his own line of shoes. Everyone’s favourite dead rock star Kurt Cobain has somehow given his approval for Converse to whore out his name and make money off his back.

Great to know his anti-corporate values are still being respected then! 

It’s been a strange month for the deceased Nirvana frontman. Not so long ago £36 million had been taken from his account and a further amount used to buy a mansion in New Jersey. Whilst we all hoped that Kurt Cobain had defied the laws of possibility to come back and make more oh-so-happy songs about how shit the world is, it didn’t happen. Instead, pesky thieves had been rifling the money.  

To claw back the cash from this robbery, Kurt Cobain has kindly let Converse make trainers to be sold for sky-high prices under his name. NME reports: 

“The Nirvana frontman is to get a limited edition Converse shoe bearing his name, lyrics, writing and signature to mark the brand's 100th anniversary.”  

How he’ll be able to write his name is a wonder to us. Maybe there'll be a shoe-signing special of Most Haunted with Derek Acorah. What fun it could be to see Kurt Cobain come through a physic medium. All with a Scouse accent like 99.9% of all ghosts seem to be when they talk through Acorah. 

This isn't the first time that you have been able to walk like a dead man. Last year, Courtney Love got all pissy when Doc Martens used adverts that featured Cobain as an angel. Maybe she had a bad experience with Doc Martens in the past. Perhaps she got a blister once whilst wearing their clobber.

Everyone knows that Courtney Love would never sell the image of her ex to make some money! That would be daft. We just want a comfortable shoe with a dead celebrity’s cheesy grin on it. Soon, Adidas will be launching its own royal variety. You’ll be the coolest kid on the block sporting your own Princess Diana shoes or losing out to the rich kid who has secured his own pair of Henry VIII limited edition trainers in salmon pink. 

Read more: 

Kurt Cobain 'honoured' with signature trainer - NME      

Anybody?

To be true, it's actually Kurt's social security number that's making all the money right now – because somebody apparently stole it. And they've compiled quite a list of acquisitions with the number too – two copies of Celebrity Skin, a Red Box rental for Man On The Moon, lots rehab lunches… the list really does go on.

Or maybe Courtney Love had nothing to do with the theft of Cobain's Social. Perhaps our sources are getting crossed.

Kurt Cobain's identity has been pinched, and the thieves haven't even bought anything good with it. We'd buy a helicopter. Or a 1982 unwrapped first edition Battle-Cat. It's the only one we need to complete our collection, and our He-Man's getting tired o' walkin'. Courtney Love has recently brought the misdeeds of the identity thieves to the attention of the police. According to the NME:

"Kurt Cobain’s estate has been the victim of a mass defrauding. It’s believed that £36 million has been taken from the Nirvana songwriter’s account since 2003, including $3.2 million used to buy a mansion in New Jersey."

Love elaborates:

"I did a check on my deceased husband’s social security number and he has a house in New Brunswick, New Jersey. He bought it last year. I would like to know how. He should probably get his ass back home if that is the case.”

The good news is we think we know how to put an end to this – go to the house. It's right there, isn't it? The police must have the address sitting on a desk somewhere in size 12 Times New Roman font. So we say someone uses that address, goes to that fancy New Jersey mansion, walks up to that golden porch, rings the bell, and then pops Eddie Vedder right in the teeth when he opens the door.

Well, who else did you think it'd be?

Read More:

Kurt Cobain Going To Rutgers, Apparently – Philadelphia Weekly