Hooray! Kris and his ridiculous floppy clown wig have been evicted from Big Brother! We never have to type the word ‘Krogface’ ever again! Hooray!

Let’s not dwell on Kris’ Big Brother eviction because, well, it was boring and he was boring and hopefully he’ll go away now. Instead, let’s focus on the good news – Big Brother is finally introducing some more housemates this week! Brilliant! A bunch of people who the Big Brother producers deemed to be even less interesting than the current lot are going into the least-interesting Big Brother house ever! Boy oh boy, this is going to be… oh, what’s the word? DULL!

Anyway, here are the Big Brother housemates who have caught our eye this week…

Noirin – Noirin has spent the majority of the last week in the Big Brother house shouting at people. In particular she’s spent it shouting at boys. In particular she’s spent it shouting at boys who she has flirted relentlessly with because they had the temerity to think that, by flirting with them, she was actually flirting with them. Understand? No, us neither really. Either Noirin has a Something About Mary-style magical magnetism that attracts every man she meets to her, or all the boys in the Big Brother house are mental evil-eyed stalkers. And one of them is Marcus, so who can really say for sure? Of course, the third option is that Noirin has an absurdly high opinion of herself, even though she’s not quite as pretty as she thinks she is and not quite as clever as she thinks she is, and she treats everyone like an arsehole because of this. Or something. Look, we don’t know.

Dogface - Now that Kris has been evicted from the Big Brother house, it’s an absurdly exciting time to be Dogface. For over a month she’s suppressed her personality to maintain the dynamic of her relationship with Kris, but now she’s free she can soar. That’s assuming that Dogface does have a personality, of course – so far we’ve got the impression that she’s a pair of comically large boobs, a pointlessly gigantic haircut that looks like a peroxide tumour and very little else. But maybe Dogface can surprise us – maybe she’s a genius. No, that’s too much of a stretch. Maybe she has an above-average level of intelligence. No, that’s also too much of a stretch. Maybe she’s as clever as everyone else in the Big Brother house. No, once again that’s probably too much of a stretch. Maybe Dogface will be able to, with assistance, string a rudimentary sentence together. Yes, that’s much more like it. Miracles do happen, you know.

Halfwit - Oh look, there’s no point in us discussing Halfwit here, because he’s bound to be up for eviction this week again. Come back on Thursday and we’ll talk about him – particularly his new haircut, which makes him look like Ming The Merciless if Ming The Merciless had joined a youth-based committee for social organisation rather than just plunging straight into the whole galactic dictator thing.

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One of the problems of this year’s Big Brother is that only two housemates have ever been nominated for eviction at a time.

Which would be OK, except that the public’s inexplicable love affair with Halfwit means that he’ll never get evicted. The evictions are a foregone conclusion right from the get-go. But things are different this week, oh things are different alright. Halfwit’s up for eviction, as ever, but so is Kris, Dogface, Charlie and Marcus. Big Brother is exciting again!

Well, maybe not ‘exciting’ per se, but, um, you know… oh, let’s just look at their chances of getting evicted, OK?

Charlie – We’ve yet to write a single thing about Charlie so far, and that’s for a very simple reason – he never does anything. Or maybe he does and we never pay attention to him, probably because his voice reminds us of what Marcus Bentley‘s voice would sound like if he fell down a pit, broke his leg and stayed there for a week. Anyway, it’s fairly certain that Charlie won’t get evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night. This isn’t because he’s nice, though – it’s because his entire life’s ambition seems to be centred around coming fourth on Big Brother. And we don’t to break the poor lad’s heart.

Halfwit - Halfwit won’t go because, duh, he’s Halfwit. He’s Halfwit The Invincible. Nothing can kill Halfwit The Invincible! Nothing! Not a public vote-off against Cairon, not a public vote-off against Sree, nothing! We’ve calculated that it’ll be another three weeks before Halfwit’s continued survival genuinely makes him legitimately believe that he’s really invincible and he’ll throw himself off the roof of the Big Brother house to prove it. Three more weeks. Stick in there, kids.

Dogface - Now, it’s easy to say that Dogface won’t be evicted from Big Brother this week because she’s got gigantic tits. But this isn’t the case whatsoever – remember that the majority of Big Brother voters are teenage girls, and they don’t like rewarding girls for having big tits; they like happyslapping girls with big tits and voluntarily putting the assault on the internet. So why do the teenage girls like Dogface enough to keep her in Big Brother? Is it because she’s… a nice… person? No, that doesn’t sound right at all. God knows what the bloody answer is.

Marcus – What? Marcus is only second-favourite to be evicted from Big Brother this week? Why? Didn’t you see him on Friday’s show? He was all “Why dahhn’t you caahm ovah ere an fackiiiin say that?” to Sree, before storming into the Big Brother house and launching into such an impassioned anti-PC defence that it would have made Jim Davidson cry tears of gratitude. Marcus is a villain. Marcus is clearly a villain. He’s so much of a villain that he literally spent the other day walking around the Big Brother house twirling his moustache. What more do you people want? Should we supply him with a child-catcher net? Would that help? Christ.

Kris – And that leaves us with Kris, who is apparently the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night. Once again, we’re not sure why. If Kris goes, the mantle of heterosexual male totty will automatically fall to Shiavash, a man who looks like a Salvador Dali painting of a sinister teddy bear. Actually, we’re being disingenuous here – we know exactly why Kris is the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother. It’s because his Krogface relationship has turned him from a swaggering cock into something worse – the mimsying kind of tosspot who never bothers to interact with anyone else because he’s too busy nuzzling his girlfriend. But, seriously, that makes him worse than Marcus? Seriously?

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Poor old Angel. Just a few weeks into Big Brother and already she’s been evicted. How sad.

Whatever will Angel do with her life now? Apart, you know, from her professional boxing, professional singing, professional tattoo-artisting, fashion design, fitness coaching and all-round looking a bit like a man? We literally have no idea. That poor girl’s all at sea. We’d worry about her, but we’ll have forgotten what her name is by Wednesday so it hardly seems worth it.

Anyway, now that Angel’s gone, here’s who’s been catching our eye in the Big Brother house this week…

Krogface – Yes, Krogface. Bloody Krogface, OK? Kris and Dogface. Krogface. People will start calling them this soon. They will. Especially since, if their sole exposure to Big Brother this year has been through red-top newspapers, they’ll probably believe that Krogface are the only Big Brother housemates on the show. Every day in The Sun it’s Krogface this and Krogface that – but the thing is, Krogface are rubbish. They’re possibly the most boring Big Brother housemates of all time. Kris does nothing but mope around silently like Rod Hull‘s lobotomised niece, and Dogface is so completely vapid that we’re genuinely starting to believe that she’s a lost Samanda sibling who was cast out of the family as an infant for not even being as clever as her moronic sisters. We don’t even think that Dogface has managed a full sentence from beginning to end without making a mistake since Big Brother started. They’re awful. Please, let’s get Krogface out so she can get the obligatory Nuts cover out of the way and we can go about forgetting them forever.

Noirin - Now that Noirin has finally been allowed to stop drawing marker pen glasses on her face and let her eyebrows grow back, it’s about time that we celebrated her as the hottie that she is. Hooray! We’d quite like Noirin to be our girlfriend actually. Even though she spends most of her time being pointlessly confrontational towards anyone who shows her even the faintest glimmer of attention. And she’s completely infatuated with herself. And she’s convinced that she’s cleverer than she actually is, even though in reality she’s one of those awful sixth-formy wankers who constantly try so hard to look deep that they actually come across as the world’s worst kind of smugly vacuous jizzpot. And she’s an impossible arsehole all the time. Actually, you know what? We probably don’t want Noirin to be our girlfriend. She’s a berk.

Lisa – We’ve been ignoring Lisa a little since Big Brother started, and this has been for two reasons. Firstly, she looks like Lil’ Chris will once the inevitable crack addiction kicks in. Secondly, whenever she appears on screen it’s all we can do not to kick the TV over and smash it into splinters with our bare hands. Lisa is terrible – she seems to want to position herself as Big Brother‘s resident mother-figure, except that she’s so grating and genuinely unlikeable that she ends up coming across as the sort of abusive mother who you’d find in one of those Boy Named It-style misery-porn books. Everyone who disagrees with Lisa – which is everyone, because Lisa is an arse – ends up being subjected to a lengthy, angry, holier-than-thou diatribe that always seems to be based around the theme of “I can do whatever I like, right?”, and that’s literally all the woman does. Except for sing to herself, obviously, because Lisa seems to fancy herself as a bit of a pop star in the making. She isn’t. When she sings she sounds like Adrien Chiles being repeatedly smacked in the balls with a plank of wood. If you hadn’t guessed by now, we don’t really like Lisa very much.

Later this week – Big Brother eviction nonsense.

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