Kris Jenner - HecklerSpray

Ariana Grande Has Finally Won Me Over With “Thank U, Next”

December 1st, 2018 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Well, it’s an early Christmas miracle. Hell has frozen over and Kim Kardashian has purchased a bra, because I officially like Ariana Grande. There, I said it. If you think I’m a sell out and an idiot for now liking Ariana, you clearly haven’t seen the music video for her new song, “Thank U, Next”.

In the video, Ariana pays homage to some classic early 2000’s gems such as Mean Girls, Bring it On, 13 Going on 30, and Legally Blonde. She also cast Kris Jenner in the role she was born to play: Regina George’s “cool” mom. Needless to say, it was epic.

10 Times Kris Jenner Was My Favorite Kardashian-Jenner

November 5th, 2018 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Happy Birthday to Satan’s Main Bitch, and the Queen of Queens, Kris fucking Jenner. When she’s not dealing with the ridiculous drama going down with her 47 million kids, she’s drunk on a yacht with Jennifer Lawrence, and I really respect that about her.

While Scott Disick is typically my favorite member of this shit show of a family, Kris definitely has her moments, and to celebrate her birthday, I’d like to list 10 times Kris Jenner made me goes “Mmmhmmm, yes bitch, I feel you.”

It’s True! Khloe Kardashian is a Dummy!

April 17th, 2018 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

So, we have another update in the ongoing saga that is Khloe Kardashian’s life. She has recently taken to Instagram to announce that her and Tristan “Third Trimester” Thompson have named their baby girl True Thompson.

Word on the street is that Khloe is so smitten with baby True and in all this baby bliss that she’s probs going to forgive Tristan for his wandering dick ways. Okurrrrr, Khloe. Ugh.

HecklerSpray Advent Day 15: Blac Chyna Finesses the HELL out of the Kardashians

December 15th, 2017 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

What kind of a person considers a triflin’ ass bitch having a revenge baby to finesse her enemies a positive highlight of 2017? Me. I am that kind of person, and while Day 14 was dedicated to the goodness in Ariana Grande’s heart, Day 15 will be dedicated to the pettiness in Blac Chyna’s.

I spent 2016 watching Rob Kardashian get PLAAAAAAYED by Blac Chyna, because homeboy was too blinded by the fake ass to realize just how used he was being. Well, needless to say, Rob got real woke about Blac Chyna in 2017, and Chyna got real paid.

Shocker: Kardashians are SUPER Non-Relatable in their Christmas Special

November 27th, 2017 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Remember back when Keeping Up With the Kardashians first started and they were a pretty relatable family? Like, they obviously had more money than a lot of people, but they were overall pretty normal? Well, if the spin-off Life of Kylie didn’t convince you that those days are long gone, than last night’s Kardashian Christmas Special sure as hell should have.

In the episode we watch Kim and Kris have some weirdo Christmas war that ends with Kris getting a fucking ice rink built in her backyard and inviting Nancy Kerrigan over to skate with her grandkids while she hands out Burberry scarves. I shit you not.

Blac Chyna is Suing ALL the Kardashians and Jenners

October 18th, 2017 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

In the on-going saga of Blac Chyna versus (insert a Kardashian or Jenner), Blac Chyna has said “fuck it” and decided to just declare full blown war on all of them by filing suit against the entire damn family (yes, even Kendall).

In her new suit against Kris, Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Rob, Kendall, and Kylie, Chyna claims that the entire family pulled it’s influence over at E! and it’s because of them that the show “Rob and Chyna” got canceled. I mean, yes, it could be that Kris Jenner got it pulled, OR it could be that Chyna is fucking disgusted by Rob, had a spite baby with them, and THEY’RE NOT EVEN TOGETHER ANYMORE! But anyway…

They Can’t All Be Pregnant!: The Kardashian Edition

September 26th, 2017 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

So Us Weekly is now saying that Khloe Kardashian is pregnant with boyfriend Tristan Thompson’s baby and do you know who doesn’t give a fuck? Me. I don’t. Normally I would, but I just can’t with these bitches anymore. It’s gonna be a no from me, Khlo-Money.

In the past month, I’ve announced that Kim was having her third kid via surrogacy, then Kylie was knocked up by Travis Scott, and now Khloe is pregnant, too? All within a month of season 14 of Keeping Up With the Kardashians premiering? I’m sorry, but no. I’m not getting trolled like this.

Critics Are Not Feeling “Life Of Kylie”

August 8th, 2017 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Kris Jenner’s weird Asian sex doll daughter, also known as Kylie Jenner 4.o (she’s been upgraded at least twice since I named her 2.0), officially has her own show on E! which premiered Sunday night. I was going to PVR “Life of Kylie”, but then I realized I really didn’t give a shit.

As it turns out, most of the people who bothered to tune in really wish they hadn’t. Yes, somehow people were SHOCKED to find out that Kylie Jenner is about as riveting to watch as Batman Vs. Superman, with half of the emotional depth.

Who is Kendall Jenner’s Real Father?: A HecklerSpray Investigation

March 27th, 2017 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Over the years, I have launched numerous investigations into the Kardashian family. I have investigated the transformation and paternity of Khloe Kardashian, the transformation and business genius of Kim Kardashian, and I am still investigating the on-going mystery that is Kylie Jenner 2.0.

However, I’ve never gone into deep investigation over anything with Kourtney Kardashian and Kendall Jenner because, honestly, they’ve never really given me shit to look into, which is maybe why they’re my favorites of the five sisters. However, it has come to my attention that it is time for me to launch my first investigate into Kendall Jenner. Or at least into her parentage.

Gwyneth Paltrow Teaches Us How to Have Proper Anal Sex

March 29th, 2017 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Some days I wake up and it’s as if God himself is smiling down upon me, and today is one of those days. While I was lotioning up my hands this morning, as I’ve recently sustained horrible burns to them from a boiling soup incident (I know many of you think I deserve this), a notification came up on my phone about Gwyneth Paltrow (of course I get celeb gossip updates to my phone).

The first blog I ever wrote back in 2013 was about Gwennie and the shit she gets on with, and boy is she literally getting on with shit today, teaching all us poor, uneducated peasants how to properly take it in the ass. The Lord doth giveth today, my friends.