You may still be perplexed about Kris Allen winning American Idol. If you are, we have some wonderful news.
That news is this – you clearly have nothing to do apart from fret over the result of a rubbish television show that you can come and mow our lawn for free if you like. Oh, and also it might have been AT&T that gypped Adam Lambert out of winning American Idol.
Obviously it might have also been the fact that Adam Lambert pulls a face like a fat baby choking on a shoelace when he sings, but let’s blame AT&T anyway.
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Oh, this is hilarious. Who was the biggest star of American Idol this year? That’s correct, Adam Lambert.
Similarly it was Adam Lambert who graced the front covers of all the magazines this year, Adam Lambert who drove a slightly berserk percentile of the population to draw comparisons to Elvis and Adam Lambert who Simon Cowell practically begged everyone to vote for on American Idol two nights ago. So with all of this in mind, who won the American Idol final last night?
That’s correct, Kris Allen. We think that’s what his name is, anyway. We weren’t really paying attention.
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So that’s it. No more American Idol for another year. Last night Adam Lambert and Kris Allen sang their final songs, so it’s over.
No, hang on, wait – there’s still tonight’s American Idol final results show to go. But, hey, that shouldn’t take too long, should it? Hello, here’s the winner, goodbye. Probably three, three and a half minutes, tops.
What? Two hours? Two full hours, plus the inevitable 30 minutes of unplanned overtime because Paula Abdul will get overexcited while answering a question and start speaking in whalesong for no good reason whatsoever? Thanks, American Idol. You’re spoiling us. Really.
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So now we know who the American Idol finalists are. And now we know that one of them isn’t Danny Gokey. Thank heavens.
Despite being a leading contender to win American Idol from the get-go, thanks to his unique combination of tragic backstory, inability to scream properly and having a face like a remedial-level semi-melted walnut, last night saw poor old Danny Gokey ejected forever.
Gokey’s goodbye sets up a thrilling American Idol final between Adam Lambert and Kris Allen that, if we know American Idol, will be 16 hours long and drive everyone to the brink of tedium-induced suicide. Joy.
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God, is American Idol still going? Yeesh. We want it to end now. And it’s not just us – Simon Cowell does too.
Or we assume he does, based on his pissy demeanour throughout last night’s American Idol. Last night, faced with the nightmarish proposition of Kris Allen singing One Republic, Adam Lambert singing U2 and – God help us all – Danny Gokey singing scat, Simon Cowell decided that the best way to get through American Idol was by being an arsehole.
We’re not making that up. Danny Gokey sang scat. Frankly we’re surprised Simon Cowell didn’t punch anyone in the face.
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We have some breaking news. Apparently America likes speccy idiots who scream like bellends and are rubbish.
It must do. Because on last night’s American Idol Danny Gokey - the man with a face like a remedial-level bespectacled foot who had performed Aerosmith‘s Dream On in the style of a traumatised burns victim – wasn’t eliminated. Instead, Allison Iraheta was told to pack her bags and instantly leave the public consciousness.
Allison Iraheta did OK on American Idol, and she’s young – she’s got the rest of her life to consistently fail to reach the same heights before dying embittered and resigned.
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When you think rock, chances are you think Slash. And then when you think Slash, you think silly silly hat.
Anyway, last night was American Idol‘s Rock Night, and Slash was drafted in to be the guest mentor. Did he do his job? In the sense that he made one of the contestants sound like a wounded dinosaur being forced to participate in a violent bout of prison sex, then yes. Slash did his job extraordinarily well.
So which of the American Idol contestants will be eliminated tomorrow? The American Idol judges didn’t force their opinions on anyone. At all. Ahem.
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Tonight, the top 13 American Idol contestants take part in the first of this year’s soul-destroying live finals.
So, you know, hooray for that. The American Idol finalists are gently being eased into the competition, because tonight is Michael Jackson night and therefore all they need to do to impress the judges is squeak a lot and, if possible, turn into either a giant plasticine rabbit or quite a nice car.
However, there’s just one thing wrong here – we don’t actually know who any of the top 13 American Idol contestants actually are. So we suppose we should bloody find out, then…
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