Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
How would you describe Katie Holmes? Attractive? Wholesome? Trapped in a loveless marriage to a man who controls her every action, safe in the knowledge that aliens told him to do it because he’s the chosen one?
No?
How about ‘Pumpkin slut’? Go on, say it out loud. It has a lovely ring to it and rolls off the tongue nicely. Slutty pumpkin! Tarty lantern! Halloween hussy! That’s right kids, the witching hour is near and Holmes is going to get all promiscuous.
Russia. It’s a fabulous country isn’t it? It’s got spies with poison-tips umbrellas poking people ’til they die, amazing architecture, cool accents, an often baffling news channel (Russia Today is occasionally AMAZING) and, best yet, mental and powerful people.
We’ve already showed you why Vladimir Putin is much, much better than you… but what about the business magnates?
While we have Richard Branson messing around in his balloons and the assembled gargoyles of Dragons Den, Russia have people like Alexander Lebedev who likes to punch people spark out on televised debate shows. Seriously. Watch it over the jump.
Hey! Katie Holmes is married to slab of prime thetan, Tom Cruise. As you know, they’re both Scientologists, which makes them certifiably mad. Don’t argue. This is just a fact that’s as plain as the nose on your weird alien-believing face.
Of course, mad people have a myriad of odd symptoms and behavioural patterns. One such thing is to marry a man half your height.
Another is being afraid of an absence of light. That’s right! Katie Holmes is scared of the dark and probably screams in terror every time she blinks. That’s because she’s mental. We pointed that out already didn’t we?
we're not ashamed to admit we quite like Rob Lowe. We've forgiven him all that St. Elmo?s Fire pretty-boy nonsense now that he's starting to look agreeably rumpled, he was good at striding down corridors and talking quickly on the West Wing and we're impressed with his surprisingly good comic timing.
And be honest with yourselves ? if you had the opportunity to simultaneously have sex with two members of the opposite gender, you'd make bloody sure you video-taped the event as well.
Although probably best to make sure they're both of legal age and not let the tape get leaked to the press or anything. But do you know what we really like about him? He chinned Tom Cruise!
