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You know Shia LaBeouf don’t you? Yeah. He’s that insultingly dim thing that’s like shrink-wrapped ham on legs, waddling around with his film career and floozies. What else does he do?
Oh yeah! He gets in fights in bars! That’s a hoot isn’t it?
What’s even better is that someone’s accused him of threatening to stab someone. STAB! STAB! VENDETTA! VENDETTA! Yup. That’s right. A famous face thinking that no-one will mention it to anyone if he starts offering to slit people’s throats.
At the moment, the UK is currently being gripped by an incident so worrying and terrifying that big name directors are already battling for the rights to secure a Hollywood account of it. Gripped by the elements, Jack Frost has grounded transport, stranded thousands and given countless individuals an easy excuse to skive off work.
Remember, this is in the UK where a few flakes of snow cause TV stations to dispatch hundreds of journalists to the scene so we can see what snow looks like in York, Slough and Oldham!
In LA, the weather is normally warmer with the exception of the occasional earthquake, though Cumbria recently enjoyed its own. There, (LA, not Cumbria) Paris Hilton wasn’t stuck behind a threatening snowman, instead a flight she boarded an unwanted visitor, a big sharp pointy knife!
Angelina Jolie loves knives, this much we know – the woman literally eats, drinks and wipes her bottom with a knife in her hand.
Angelina Jolie loves knives so much that she picks her movies by blindly throwing a knife at a random pile of scripts. What’s more, we hear that Angelina’s adoption process involves a fierce knife-off in an orphanage, with the last child standing being chosen has her new baby.
Or, in possibly more accurate news, Angelina Jolie allegedly flings knives at walls during fights, and Brad Pitt has bought her some anger management classes because he’s so terrified.
Whether it’s by singing about kissing girls or by slightly looking a bit like a man, Katy Perry has never shied away from controversy.
And because of this affinity for controversy, Katy Perry is currently getting the hiding of her life. A couple of days ago The Sun published a photo of Katy Perry posing with a knife accompanied by a headline similar to but not exactly ‘BURN THE WITCH FOR SHE KNOWES MAGICK!’ and now all hell has broken loose.
So, with the sound of tabloid disapproval ringing in her ears, Katy Perry has released a statement saying that she is ‘against all violence’. Problem solved. Now The Sun can get back to the real threat to the nation’s youth – all those pictures of Katy Perry wearing 1940s swimsuits. Seriously, if we start seeing girls dressed as WWII cheesecake models in the street, we’re going to form a mob and burn Katy’s house down.
As the adopted son of two millionaire actors, Maddox Jolie-Pitt is going to be exposed to the worst hardships on Earth during his lifetime.
That’s why Angelina Jolie has taken the only sensible option and bought seven-year-old Maddox his very first knife. It’s a kind gesture, and it’s sort of made us wish that Angelina Jolie was our mother, too – once, when we were seven, a boy at junior school took our Monster Munch, and that situation would have been resolved much more swiftly if we’d have just stabbed them through the neck with the knife our mum gave us.
But don’t worry, outraged citizens – Angelina Jolie isn’t stupid. That’s why she deliberately had the knife blunted before giving to Maddox. Now, instead of hurting someone with the knife, Maddox can merely foster a lifetime fascination with knives that culminates in him chopping up a pensioner with a katana one hour into his 18th birthday.
Noel Gallagher isn't so much the voice of youth these day as the voice of weirdly arrested lad-dad Tim Lovejoy clones who refuse to accept that it isn't still 1996.
Or that's what we thought. Turns out we were being a little bit hopeful – in actual fact Noel Gallagher is slowly morphing into a Daily Telegraph letter-writer. While picking up an award recently, Noel decided to speak out about hoodies and knife crime and how it's all probably got something to do with computer games.
He went into a little more detail than that, but anyone wanting to hear more of Noel Gallagher's thoughts on society would be well advised to buy the forthcoming Oasis album Bloody Immigrants (And Don't Get Me Started On The NHS).
