Katie Holmes may well be wealthy and successful, but that doesn’t stop the entire world pitying her. For starters, she’s in the unfortunate position of being married to Supreme Thetan, Tom Cruise AND she’s no doubt aware that everyone laughs at her because she’s one of those women who towers over her beau.

And so, to stop us from thinking that she’s a dead-eyed Scientologist with a head filled with quasi-religious gunk, she’s decided to act like One Of The Girls by talking about her knickers.

Because talking about your underpants in public isn’t peculiar at all is it? Nope. Not one bit. UNLESS YOU’RE SOME KIND OF GUSSET OBSESSED NUTTER THAT IS.

So why is Holmes talking about her scads? Well, she’s on the cover of InStyle’s August edition, and no, we’ve never got ’round to reading the publication either. It’s probably the kind of tat that gives away free cheapo sunglasses and Piz Buin flavoured biscuits or something.

Anyway, Katie features in the mag, cooing about underwear in a desperate attempt to not talk about her dodgy beliefs and her dung-brained husband who is probably preparing some underground lair filled with insect royalty who will devour non-believers like us Cometh The Hour.

Basically, nice undercrackers are her favourite thing. She likes them more than she likes L. Ron Hubbard.

“They make you feel special when you put them on in the morning.”

This is particularly useful when you have a husband who doesn’t make you feel special, ever.

“Even when I was a little girl I loved my ‘days of the week’ pairs. I love the hot pink ones, that makes my day!”

See? So devoid of joy is Holmes, that pink gruds are the only thing that make her day seem worthwhile enough to plod through. She invariably stares at them, all laid out on her bed and meekly smiles saying “At least you guys will never belittle me with talk of alien rulers.”

Be sure to pelt Tom Cruise with pink, soiled knickers if you should bump into him at your local corner shop. It’s the only way the message of Katie Holmes enormous depression is ever going to get through to him.

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Harry Potter stars aren’t exactly brilliant at concealing their modesty, are they?

First Daniel Radcliffe decided to get naked for a play about a mental kid who stabs horses in the eyes, and now Emma Watson‘s at it as well. To be fair, Emma Watson hasn’t waggled her penis around in front of a paying audience at the behest of a frightening imaginary horse-God, but she did show everyone her knickers getting out of a car at her 18th birthday party. Which is sort of the same thing.

Which is all well and good – getting your pants out for the paparazzi is as much a part of being a celebrity these days as complaining about the paparazzi taking pictures of your pants – but we have our concerns. If Emma Watson’s pantyflash gives Ron Weasley any ideas about public nudity, then we’re quite prepared to corkscrew our own eyes out now to protect our fragile minds.

Emma Watson is 18! Hooray! She’s a proper, fully-grown adult! Yay! She can vote! She can drink booze down the pub! She can get married without the permission of her parents! And, best of all, the paparazzi can take gigantically intrusive pictures of her underwear without being worried that it makes them look like paedophiles! Hooray!

Emma Watson had her 18th birthday party on Saturday. And rather than do the traditional 18th birthday thing of going to the local pub and feeling a bit awkward because you’ve been going there for three years anyway and now you’re just rubbing it in the landlord’s face that he was jeopardising his career by illegally selling you alcohol in the past, Emma Watson went to fancy Mayfair restaurant Automat with some friends.

But that’s not the main story here, and nor is the fact that – simply by turning 18 – Emma Watson gets £10 million in Harry Potter wages that her parents had been keeping in a trust for her. No, the main story here is that an enterprising member of the paparazzi managed to jam a camera into Emma Watson’s crotch and snap away at her knickers like a giddy old goose when she was sitting in a car. Or, as The Sun puts it:

The young actress didn’t flash a smile but she did flash something else – so I have covered her modesty with an aptly-placed picture of co-star Rupert Grint.

Oh Emma, now the world knows what your knickers look like. It’s a slippery slope from there, dear. First you flash your knickers, then you decide to go out without any knickers on – giving the paparazzi a view so horrifyingly internal that it’ll turn about an eighth of all men who see the pictures instantly gay – and the next thing you know you’re running round a rehab clinic with a shaved head trying to hang yourself because you’re convinced that you’re the devil.

However, Emma Watson seems like she’s a vaguely intelligent girl, so perhaps she’ll learn from this mistake and only go out wearing trousers or full-length skirts or three-inch thick metal knickers or whatever. But perhaps it’s too late for that. Perhaps now the damage is done.

Remember how Johnny Borrell was all over Emma Watson when he’d only seen her fully-clothed? Now he’s seen what Emma Watson’s knickers look like, so we’d expect that he’s going to start stratching on her patio door and groaning all the time, like the zombies in last scene of I Am Legend, if the zombies wore leotards and looked like they smelt quite bad. Poor Emma, she’s doomed.

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Cheer up, Her-moany Granger - The Sun

Finding someone to be the face of your underwear collection is a daunting task – if you follow your instincts and pick a ferociously sexy supermodel, you'll just end up intimidating your customers away.

So what's the other option? How about a three-foot-tall chav who looks a little bit like an Ewok? Of course – it couldn't be any more obvious, which is why Lily Allen has signed up to be the new face of lingerie company Agent Provocateur. While Lily Allen might be an unconventional choice to model underwear, we're sure that her Agent Provocateur campaign will go down a storm with real women who don't like to be patronised. And the blind. We hear the blind are going to be an especially key winter Agent Provocateur demographic.

Just what is it with the Allen family? We don't think we've ever seen a group of relatives so dementedly hell-bent on stripping off for our entertainment. Watch Shallow Grave, see Keith Allen's penis. Go and see the touring version of Equus, see Alfie Allen's penis. And now, open any glossy women's magazine and see the outline of Lily Allen's penis tucked between her legs in a nice pair of frilly undercrackers or something.

Because, ladies, it might just be time to go braless. It's a safer option than buying new underwear at the moment, that's for sure. If you go into Victoria's Secret you'll be thumped over the head with the hits of the Spice Girls and now it's been announced that if you go into Agent Provocateur you'll have more pictures of Lily Allen moping about in a bra than you'd ever fear was possible. Because Lily Allen is the new face of Agent Provocateur.

And Lily has some big shoes to fill, because previous title-holders have included Kate Moss – the world-famous supermodel whose Agent Provocateur video broke the internet – and Maggie Gyllenhaal, star of that film that made everyone secretly think that bondage was worth a try. And now it's Lily Allen, who recently dressed up in a Habitat bag for a night out, started a fight with none-more-chav Lady Sovereign and got banned from an entire continent because she's so violent. But still, at least an Agent Provocateur insider seems happy enough about it:

"They feel her natural, voluptuous curves will appeal to a lot of women."

But why Lily Allen of all people? Let's continue the Agent Provocateur quote:

"She in amazing shape – down from a size 14 to an eight – and the pictures of her are sensational."

Ah, it's because she's not as dumpy as she used to be. Good for Lily Allen – as a role model for thousands of young girls, it's important that she teaches them that nobody will ever like them unless they shed almost half their bodyweight in a unnaturally short amount of time, prompting public concerns for their health. Only then will people want to see them in their bra.

But maybe that's not the real reason why Lily Allen is the new face of Agent Provocateur – maybe it's just shrewd business sense at work. After all, however much the company paid Lily Allen for the underwear shoot, it'll be getting three nipples for the price of two, and who could reject stunning value like that?