And that’s why, when Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up earlier this year, the world slipped into a deep gloom. For instance, you know how the stock market collapsed and capitalism ended and food and fuel prices suddenly surged and the environment’s on the brink of disaster and we’re all going to die of bird flu? Yeah, that all happened because Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer split up. It’s true.

However, it’s time to get out the bunting because now Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back together! And if they’re not back together, then they’ve almost certainly been caught with their tongues wedged right the way down each other’s gullet in an airport in front of everyone. So, you know, get the bunting out once the waves of nausea have subsided. There’s no rush.

Say what you like about Brad Pitt, but he does love a woman who can shamelessly whore out her entire live to promote a movie. His current squeeze Angelina Jolie does this by buying her children weapons every time she’s got a film out, but even that’s no match for the level of dedication shown by his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston is the queen of movie promotion. She loves promoting movies so much that when she made The Break-Up she got together with her co-star during filming just so they could break up during The Break-Up’s DVD promotion. That’s literal commitment so strong you can only breathe a sigh of relief that the film wasn’t called Doing A Poo In The Road Next To Some Crying Children.

And now Jennifer Aniston has two movies coming out shortly – He’s Just Not That Into You and Marley & Me. Dating her co-stars was out for both of these – The five leads in He’s Just Not That Into You are all female and being a lesbian is gross, and her co-star in Marley & Me is Owen Wilson, which wouldn’t exactly be a bundle of giggles – but it’s OK because Jennifer Aniston has a plan B.

And that’s John Mayer. Oh, come on. John Mayer. He went out with Jennifer Aniston briefly in the summer before they split up about five seconds later. You know, girly hair. Foppish-looking. When he’s in public with Jennifer Aniston he looks like a little boy out with his inappropriately sexual mother. Yeah, that’s the one.

Well, apparently Jennifer Aniston is back with John Mayer again. Because they were both seen at an airport totally making out and being all like ‘unng-unng-uh-uh’ with their tongues all over each other. Totally. The National Enquirer said so:

“They were very lovey-dovey. They kissed several times and hugged each other tightly. John gave her a long, lingering kiss… Jennifer was in New York doing some shopping before she starts promotional work for her new movies. John was relaxing after finishing his international tour, and they hooked up.“

Is it just us, or did anyone else expect that description to wander into Mills & Boon territory? ‘They hugged each other tightly. John gave her a long, lingering kiss. The touch of his fingertips brought a spike of desire to her very core. She gasped with pleasure as he wantonly ran his fingers along the top of her silk unmentionables…’

Anyway, don’t get too excited about the prospect of a full-on Jennifer Ansiton/John Mayer reunion, because these reports are all completely unconfirmed. For all we know, that wasn’t even Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer kissing anyway – it could have just been two people who look like Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, or a rudimentary papier mache sculpture of a woman and a pretty mop.

No, we don’t know which one would be who either.

She’d charge $12 a pop to watch, and when enough people were gathered around she’d let the beasts out of their cages. Those pandas are savage animals too – we saw them skin a guy once. It was a half-dead senior citizen, but a guy nonetheless.

But all that was when the pandas were younger. With the passing of time came panda-related geriatric problems. Also with the passing of time came a strange gay-panda love affair. It was actually horrific – not that anything’s wrong with that.

That experience is why we feel we can relate so well to a whole bunch of people in Arkansas. They showed up for a vicious cage fight, and what they got instead was two grown mean undressing each other in a flurry of lust and passion.

And you know who people are blaming? Borat. We mean Bruno. People are blaming Bruno.

Picture it – you spent all day polishing your finest brass knuckles until they gleam just so in the sunlight. You practice knee kicks on your wooden karate thingy for over an hour and you inject several numbing agents into both your face and groin.

When it’s time for the bout, you step into the ring full of confidence. Your opponent winds up, you brace for the impact, but instead of hitting you he licks your neck a whole bunch and tells you there are flowers from him back in your locker. You casually thank him, and notice for the first time that his eyes are the perfect shade of blue.

That was all from page three of our brother’s autobiography – word for word. The following four chapters are more of the same – it’s pretty redundant, actually. He calls it science fiction, and he’s still looking for a publisher.

Sacha Baron Cohen may have read some of it. We’re far from sure about that, but CNN explains our suspicions:

“Crowds in Arkansas came for the lure of cage fighting and $1 beer, but police say what they got instead was men ripping each others’ clothes off and kissing — a stunt suspected of being orchestrated by Sacha Baron Cohen of “Borat” fame. We had a contract for cage fighting. We were deceived,” said Dwight Duncan, president and CEO of Four States Fair Grounds in Texarkana, where the first of two Arkansas fights raised suspicions last month.”

Outside of Soho, San Francisco, and the lavender apartment our third step-dad eventually moved into, the cage-match crowd isn’t generally the sort that would take kindly to passionate displays of homosexuality where their stomach-jabs and face-punches are supposed to be.

That’s why immediately following the match, every male that looked effeminate within a five mile radius was rounded up, taken to a local park and tickled for no less than 20 minutes – which is ironic, as we’ve heard that’s kind of ‘a thing’ in those circles.

It’s just what we heard.

How serious? So serious that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have been seen out together ‘laughing at each other’s jokes’. What’s more, they might have actually kissed in private once. Whatever could be next? Hand-holding? Nonspecific fondling? This madness has to stop!

Actually, sod the confetti – it sounds like a wedding’s so inevitable here that if we have to fling shredded clumps of our own flesh at the happy couple to celebrate their union that’s what we’ll do.

Call us premature if you like, but Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer should totally have children. True, Jennifer would have got a better looking kid if got pregnant by Brad Pitt, and a funnier kid if she got pregnant by Vince Vaughn, but a John Mayer baby is a guarantee that at least Jennifer Aniston will have a baby with quite nice hair – hopefully nice enough to disguise the fact that it’ll be the dullest baby ever born.

Why the sudden rush to imagine what a Jennifer Aniston/ John Mayer baby will look like? Because they’re totally doing it is why. The early rumours suggesting a romance between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer seem to be spot on, because Aniston has been seen cavorting around in public with Mayer in that kind of ‘look at me, I’m so happy’ way that women do when they get a new boyfriend who obviously isn’t as good as their last one.

And that in itself is a big step – when Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn were together they didn’t even show up to the red carpet at the same time for movie premieres, even when it was the premiere for the movie that they both starred in together. Entire episodes of Oprah were dedicated to Jennifer Aniston explaining that she didn’t really like Vince Vaughn as much as everyone thought. So actual physical touching in public seems like a pretty big step, as OK reports: