Some say that Kirstie Alley is a thin woman trapped in a fat woman’s body. She isn’t. That description is way off the mark.

No, instead it’d be fairer to say that Kirstie Alley is 15 dangerously obese women trapped inside a giant latex statue of the ‘two weeks’ woman from Total Recall. And that’s not cruelty – Kirstie Alley said it herself to Oprah Winfrey. Well, almost. We might have paraphrased a bit.

Anyway, Kirstie Alley is fat again. Maybe our dream of seeing a sweaty, massive-arsed, type-2 diabetic remake of Look Who’s Talking isn’t so far away any more.

Kirstie Alley and Oprah Winfrey have got so much in common. They both used to be famous actresses, they both share the same hopelessly wayward belief that the general public gives a toss about their personal lives and – most importantly – every couple of years they’ll both suddenly swell up like a pair of infected spider bites and waddle about looking glum until the nearest passing huckster offloads an implausible and possibly dangerous crash-diet onto them.

Everyone knows that Oprah Winfrey is fat again, partially because she seems determined to burn off all her extra calories exclusively by writing about how sad her fat legs make her feel. But Kirstie Alley? Surely not – after all, it was only a few years ago that she was on Oprah strutting around in a bikini like a middle-aged divorcee with an artificially inflated sense of self-worth.

But sadly it’s true. Kirstie Alley hasn’t so much porked out as eaten all the pigs, the farmer, the farmer’s tractor, the factory where the tractor was made, the county that housed the factory and the entire concept of regional land division. But don’t think that Kirstie Alley is happy about looking like Jabba The Hutt’s transsexual cousin – she’s not.

And yesterday Kirstie Alley appeared on Oprah to tell everyone watching – or at least those who weren’t convinced that they’d accidentally stumbled across footage of a new interracial female sumo league – just how unhappy she was. Access Hollywood reports:

“It’s humiliating,” she told Oprah. “The most painful thing for me is that I have all these people that I inspired and then I let them down… I do better if I have some pressure on me,” Kirstie said. “When I didn’t have that anymore … I just said, ‘I’m going to cut myself some slack.’ Big mistake… I’ve hated myself,” she continued. “You beat yourself up, and I [asked myself], ‘What am I doing?’”

Actually we do feel for Kirstie Alley a bit. She made such a big deal of shoving how thin she was down everyone’s throats a few years ago that gaining all her weight back must be fairly humiliating for her. Worse still, Kirstie Alley is only six months away from launching her brand new range of diet products, and she’s hardly going to make a convincing spokeswoman while she looks like a female Meat Loaf impersonator, is she?

It’s a shame, because we heard that Kirstie Alley’s diet plan was a great one – apparently she comes round your house and eats your dinner for you.

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Which is convenient actually, because we're currently working on our fourth Star Trek script. Not to give away the whole plot, but it involves Spock's new girlfriend exploding off the Enterprise and landing in a fully-stocked Dorito factory that's so isolated its only residents are an inbred pack of wolves (enter antagonists). The factory does share a parking lot with an abandoned treadmill manufacturer, though. That's why the character's weight fluctuates so. We are willing to sell this entire outline for under $20.

But be warned – if you buy it you may not be able to cast Alley right off. No – you'll have to get behind Oprah for that one. They just signed a deal for something something blah blah blah.

Not to worry though. Our cousin says he knows a guy who manages Subway's Jared. Our connections come with the script.

Under $20.

When Kirstie Alley isn't forcing Sam Malone to make a baby with her, and then forcing John Travolta to raise it and then forcing that baby to plump-up so she can then reduce said baby's plumpery with her personal weight loss system, she's got a lot of time on her hands.

Nay! Nay we say! Perhaps it would be more appropriate to say she had a lot of time on her hands. Not anymore – ever since the time she showed Oprah Winfrey where her fat used to be, the talk show host has wanted to work with Alley bad. Now the fruits of those neighboring-desk desires are fruiting to fruition.

To further the fascinating details of this story, may we present to you, E! Online:

"[Alley], no stranger to emotionally and physically baring all on Winfrey's stage in the past, has signed a TV development deal with the talk-show queen's Harpo Productions. While no specific shows have yet been announced as a result of the deal, it's possible an Alley-led daily talk show could result from the partnership, particularly in the wake of the actress' recent string of successful appearances on Winfrey's chatfest."

The exact format for the show still needs to be worked out, but we think it should lean heavily towards reality TV. We don't need another talk show – no we've got better plans for Alley. We'd like to see her follow Shelley Long all over the place and just keep replacing her. Shelley Long was doing some dishes, now Kirstie Alley is doing some dishes. Shelley Long is kissing her grandkids goodnight, now Kirstie Alley is kissing Shelley Long's grandkids tonight. Shelley Long is taking out a restraining order, now Kirstie Alley is taking out Shelley Long's restraining order.

That, or maybe Alley could just do a one woman rendition of The Color Purple every single day. Episodes 2 and up would be soooooo easy to edit.

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Kirstie Alley's Oprah TV Deal – Monsters & Critics

Don't be, because Fat Actress star Kirstie Alley has decided to help you out herself. According to a statement, Kirstie Alley has parted ways with weight-loss gurus Jenny Craig and she's now dedicated to developing her own weight loss brand to help ordinary people like you look more like Kirstie Alley.

No, really, looking like Kirstie Alley is a good thing. Stop laughing. It is. Fine, be like that.

Obesity is getting to be a real global epidemic these days, as anyone who's had to spend an eight-hour flight perched next to a gigantic, snoring, belching one-and-a-half seat-taking lardarse who you semi-honestly believe to be fat enough to crash through the bottom of the plane taking you with them will agree. But it's OK, because Kirstie Alley is on the case.

You know, Kirstie Alley. She used to be in Cheers, then gave it up to do nothing but sit at home force-feeding herself quesadillas like some kind of ginormous Mexican foie gras goose. Kirstie Alley even made Fat Actress, a TV show about how grossly overweight she was, to prove that actually she was quite happy being the size of a small European municipality. And then, deliberately undermining the point of Fat Actress, Kirstie Alley lost some weight, went on Oprah in a bikini and hasn't bloody shut up about it since.

Kirstie Alley credits much of her weight loss to Jenny Craig, the slimming company that says you'll probably only get thin if you eat pre-packaged food that's got 'Jenny Craig' written all over the front. And so vocal was Kirstie Alley about Jenny Craig that she ended up being the company's spokesperson for a while.

But not any more – Kirstie Alley has jacked in her spokesperson role and wants to devise a way for people to lose weight herself. According to The Associated Press:

"After lengthy negotiations, regretfully the Jenny Craig Company and I did not come to an agreement to continue as their spokesperson," Alley said in a statement posted on People Magazine's Web site Tuesday. Alley, 57, told People that while her experience with Jenny Craig was "extraordinary," she wants "to create something new that will help millions of people end the seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride." Alley said she intends to develop her own weight-loss brand with plans to launch in 2009. 

Don't feel bad for Jenny Craig, though. It's got another celebrity spokesperson in place already – Queen Latifah. Yes, we know that she's not actually that thin, but perhaps she's cheap or something.

As for Kirstie Alley, she'll spend the rest of the year slaving over her own weight-loss program. She'll put everything she has into figuring out a scientific explanation for why people get fat and the methods in which they can reverse the trend. 

And then next year Kirstie Alley will emerge from her supersize bunker clutching the heavy 1,000-page manuscript of her weight-loss formula – 999 pages of which will be blank, with the remaining one containing the words 'try eating less' in tiny print. Thanks Kirstie, you genius.

Read more:

Alley to Develop Own Weight Loss Brand – Associated Press