Some say that Kirstie Alley is a thin woman trapped in a fat woman’s body. She isn’t. That description is way off the mark.

No, instead it’d be fairer to say that Kirstie Alley is 15 dangerously obese women trapped inside a giant latex statue of the ‘two weeks’ woman from Total Recall. And that’s not cruelty – Kirstie Alley said it herself to Oprah Winfrey. Well, almost. We might have paraphrased a bit.

Anyway, Kirstie Alley is fat again. Maybe our dream of seeing a sweaty, massive-arsed, type-2 diabetic remake of Look Who’s Talking isn’t so far away any more.

Kirstie Alley and Oprah Winfrey have got so much in common. They both used to be famous actresses, they both share the same hopelessly wayward belief that the general public gives a toss about their personal lives and – most importantly – every couple of years they’ll both suddenly swell up like a pair of infected spider bites and waddle about looking glum until the nearest passing huckster offloads an implausible and possibly dangerous crash-diet onto them.

Everyone knows that Oprah Winfrey is fat again, partially because she seems determined to burn off all her extra calories exclusively by writing about how sad her fat legs make her feel. But Kirstie Alley? Surely not – after all, it was only a few years ago that she was on Oprah strutting around in a bikini like a middle-aged divorcee with an artificially inflated sense of self-worth.

But sadly it’s true. Kirstie Alley hasn’t so much porked out as eaten all the pigs, the farmer, the farmer’s tractor, the factory where the tractor was made, the county that housed the factory and the entire concept of regional land division. But don’t think that Kirstie Alley is happy about looking like Jabba The Hutt’s transsexual cousin – she’s not.

And yesterday Kirstie Alley appeared on Oprah to tell everyone watching – or at least those who weren’t convinced that they’d accidentally stumbled across footage of a new interracial female sumo league – just how unhappy she was. Access Hollywood reports:

“It’s humiliating,” she told Oprah. “The most painful thing for me is that I have all these people that I inspired and then I let them down… I do better if I have some pressure on me,” Kirstie said. “When I didn’t have that anymore … I just said, ‘I’m going to cut myself some slack.’ Big mistake… I’ve hated myself,” she continued. “You beat yourself up, and I [asked myself], ‘What am I doing?’”

Actually we do feel for Kirstie Alley a bit. She made such a big deal of shoving how thin she was down everyone’s throats a few years ago that gaining all her weight back must be fairly humiliating for her. Worse still, Kirstie Alley is only six months away from launching her brand new range of diet products, and she’s hardly going to make a convincing spokeswoman while she looks like a female Meat Loaf impersonator, is she?

It’s a shame, because we heard that Kirstie Alley’s diet plan was a great one – apparently she comes round your house and eats your dinner for you.

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