What do we know about Kirstie Alley? Well, we know that her weight wildly fluctuates from ‘quite thin’ to ‘Type 2 Diabetes’. We also know that she was in Cheers. Oh, and she’s a weirdo Scientologist who believes in aliens and that. She’s an ‘Operating Thetan, Level 7′, whatever the shit that means.
Now, the latest thing we need to know about her that, in the past, she’s demanded 2 hours of sex from her boyfriends. Just picture that in your mind’s eye. Think of her bearing down on your naked self, cackling like a wheezing horse with those rolling, glassy eyes.
Lovely.
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Some say that Kirstie Alley is a thin woman trapped in a fat woman’s body. She isn’t. That description is way off the mark.
No, instead it’d be fairer to say that Kirstie Alley is 15 dangerously obese women trapped inside a giant latex statue of the ‘two weeks’ woman from Total Recall. And that’s not cruelty – Kirstie Alley said it herself to Oprah Winfrey. Well, almost. We might have paraphrased a bit.
Anyway, Kirstie Alley is fat again. Maybe our dream of seeing a sweaty, massive-arsed, type-2 diabetic remake of Look Who’s Talking isn’t so far away any more.
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If you need someone to play the part of a Vulcan with a very up and down fat count – then Kirstie Alley is the actress for you.
Which is convenient actually, because we're currently working on our fourth Star Trek script. Not to give away the whole plot, but it involves Spock's new girlfriend exploding off the Enterprise and landing in a fully-stocked Dorito factory that's so isolated its only residents are an inbred pack of wolves (enter antagonists). The factory does share a parking lot with an abandoned treadmill manufacturer, though. That's why the character's weight fluctuates so. We are willing to sell this entire outline for under $20.
But be warned – if you buy it you may not be able to cast Alley right off. No – you'll have to get behind Oprah for that one. They just signed a deal for something something blah blah blah.
Not to worry though. Our cousin says he knows a guy who manages Subway's Jared. Our connections come with the script.
Under $20.
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Fatties! Are you still hurting because you never got to try out that Jessica Simpson fitness DVD?
Don't be, because Fat Actress star Kirstie Alley has decided to help you out herself. According to a statement, Kirstie Alley has parted ways with weight-loss gurus Jenny Craig and she's now dedicated to developing her own weight loss brand to help ordinary people like you look more like Kirstie Alley.
No, really, looking like Kirstie Alley is a good thing. Stop laughing. It is. Fine, be like that.
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