And what’s Unbearably Dirty-Looking Nobsack Lesson One? That you don’t let them near you. That’s why Kirsten Dunst has just got restraining order against Christopher Smith, a man who was allegedly caught trespassing on her property.

Now everyone’s happy. Kirsten Dunst no longer has to live in fear, and Christopher Smith can just start stalking things that remind him of Kirsten Dunst, like a drunk horse that’s fallen face-first down a giant flight of concrete stairs or something.

Whisper it, but it looks like the fun’s gone out of stalking lately. Sure, once stalkers could get their kicks by sending packets of dildos to Britney Spears or hurling bags of screwdrivers onto John Cusack’s lawn, but the whole stalking game became a little bit more depressing after that American Idol contestant killed herself outside Paula Abdul’s house.

Now the stalkers sort of seem like their hearts aren’t in it any more. Just look at Christopher Smith. He was arrested last month because he apparently showed up at Kirsten Dunst’s house and claimed that he had a ’spiritual connection’ with her. That’s it. He didn’t threaten to blow up an airport in her name. He didn’t draw any pictures of Kirsten Dunst digging his grave in a wedding dress and giggling. He just said that he had a spiritual connection with her.

That’s not so unusual. We’ve got a spiritual connection with Kirsten Dunst, too – Kirsten Dunst says she wants to give up acting, which is actually something we’ve heavily lobbied for since the release of Marie Antoinette. See? That’s about as spiritually-connected as it gets.

Anyway, spooked by Smith showing up at her house and being weird, Kirsten Dunst has taken out a restraining order out against him, as E! Online reports:

A Los Angeles judge has granted a permanent protective order against the man who paid an unannounced visit to Dunst’s Hollywood home professing a “spiritual connection” with her. Superior Court Judge Richard E. Rico prohibited Christopher Smith, 25, from coming anywhere near the actress, her personal assistant, her residences and her places of business. The L.A. native is also barred from owning or possessing a gun.

What? Smith’s been banned from owning a gun? That seems a mite unfair – by all means go ahead and ban him from going anywhere near Kirsten Dunst, but if you take away his gun, you’re stripping him of his ability to partake in perfectly normal Kirsten Dunst fan activities, like buying 100 copies of Spider-Man 3 on DVD, piling them up outside and unloading round after round into them while screaming “YOU BITCH! I’LL KILL YOU, YOU BITCH!” and that’s a stalker’s bread and butter.

Actually, speaking of Spider-Man 3, we’re pretty sure that that’s the reason Smith allegedly became so infatuated with Kirsten Dunst – there can’t be a man alive who didn’t see that scene of her making an omelette with James Franco and dancing the Twist in a painfully self-conscious way and thought “That’s the woman I want to be with!” Right? Right? No? Just Christopher Smith? Oh. Actually that might explain a lot.

But anyway, Kirsten Dunst’s stalkee days are probably at an end now, if reports of her being written out of Spider-Man 4 and 5 hold any water. Sure, there’s a chance that she might get the odd unwanted drop of attention from people who liked her in How To Lose Friends And Alienate People, but they’re all probably the sort of weirdos who display their love by hiding in a bush with a sniper rifle trained constantly at your head, so that’s nothing to worry about.

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So imagine what the forthcoming Spider-Man 4 and Spider-Man 5 movies would be like without Kirsten Dust’s anemic wailing and egg-based dance routines. You’re imagining they’d be quite good, aren’t you. Well, you’re in luck, because Spider-Man director Sam Raimi is giving off the impression that Kirsten Dunst won’t feature in either of the two new movies.

Actually, we should be a bit more accurate – Sam Raimi implied that Kirsten Dunst’s character Mary-Jane wouldn’t be in the new Spider-Man movies. He also hinted that one of the new Spider-Man villains could be a vicious scaly reptilian humanoid, though, so if that doesn’t warrant a callback for Kirsten Dunst then nothing will.

Remember when the Spider-Man movies were good? Remember when the thought of another Spider-Man sequel seemed like a good thing, rather than something you’d happily drown yourself in cattle guts to avoid? We do too, just about.

We don’t any more, obviously – the musical numbers, eggy dancing, evil haircuts, 19-hour running time and bad sand of Spider-Man 3 has made us fear 2011’s Spider-Man 4 with all the dread we’d usually reserve for an exam or a jail rape.

But luckily, Spider-Man director Sam Raimi has sensed our fear and he wants to calm us all down the best way he can – by implying that the services of Kirsten Dunst probably won’t be required for Spider-Man 4. Or Spider-Man 5, for that matter. Raimi told MTV:

“Kirsten, I’d love to work with her again,” Raimi explained to us this week, making it sound as if current plans to include Dunst for “Spider-Man 4” and “Spider-Man 5” are still up in the air. “I hope she’ll be written into it. I couldn’t imagine making one without her, and I think she’s an important part of the movies.” Nevertheless, Raimi admitted that the very nature of an episodic series requires that characters come and go.

Do you hear that? Kirsten Dunst might not be starring in any more Spider-Man movies. But then if that’s the case, who’s going to upside down kiss Spider-Man? And who’s going to provide the emotional core? And who’ll sing in the movies twice despite having a voice like an asthmatic 80-year-old? And who’ll be a shadowy reminder that age, unhealthy lifestyles and ill-advised romances with dirty indie stars can obliterate your once-good looks completely in a matter of years? Actually, come to think of it, no, we’re alright without any Kirsten Dunst in our Spider-Man thanks.

Actually, that’s a lie. We do want Kirsten Dunst in the new Spider-Man sequels. That’s partly because without her we won’t get the creeping sensation that she thinks she’s bigger than Spider-Man or the constant whining about how hard acting is.

But mainly it’s because, if Kirsten Dunst isn’t hired for Spider-Man 4 and Spider-Man 5, it’ll only give her more time to make more films like Marie Antoinette. And that’s worse.

Marginally.

Today’s word: depressed. Adjective.

1. Sad, gloomy; dejected; downcast.

2. Being or measured below the standard or norm.

3. The reason you say you went to rehab, but everyone probably knows you’re a bit of a drunkard because there’s always loads of pictures of you stumbling out of clubs and parties pretty trashed.

Now, try to apply the correct definition to the following statement: Kirsten Dunst has publicly announced that her recent trip to rehab was because she was depressed.

And yes, the correct answer is ‘all of the above’.

Okay, okay. We’ve all had our share of good times poking fun at, well, everything to be perfectly honest, but right now we mean in regards to Kirsten Dunst. Not just about Kirsten Dunst being annoying and willowy and make you long for fingernails being dragged slowly across a chalkboard as opposed to enduring her movie roles, but also about catching the packed celebrity charter bus to rehab at Cirque Lodge in Utah back in February of this year.

But it’s time to stop calling Kirsten Drunk a dunst…or Kirsten Dunst a drunk, or whatever, okay? She didn’t go there because she was addicted alcohol or drugs, or anything. She went there because she was depressed. A sellout/source close to Kirsten had this to say to People:

“She does drink and she does have wild nights, but that was never the root of her issues. She couldn’t control her depression.”

Hey, we can’t say that we blame Kirsten. The woman did have to kiss perpetually semi-pubescent Tobey Maguire in those Spider-Man movies. Jeesh, that has us reaching for the Prozac just thinking about it. But let’s look at Kirsten’s personal statement on the issue as told to E! Online:

“I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it… Now that I’m feeling stronger, I was prepared to say something … Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about.”

Not to be gossiped about. Whoops. Looks like we blew that one right nice, now didn’t we.

Yeah, they're liars. Kirsten Dunst has reportedly checked into rehab in Utah and – best of all – it's been suggested that she was off her face on something or other when she did.

Now, it's too early to know what – if anything – Kirsten Dunst is addicted to so badly that she needs to attend rehab for it, but senior experts have ruled out toothpaste, dental floss, dental braces or anything to do with her whole dental region because, well, look at her.

We can't claim to know Kirsten Dunst, but we know a lot about her. For instance, we know that Kirsten Dunst's performance in Spider-Man 3 was so fist-swallowingly dire that we now physically lash out at anyone who even looks like they're about to make an omelette and dance the Twist at the same time.

We also know, thanks to her relationship with skinny indie tit Johnny Borrell, that Kirsten Dunst couldn't have any worse taste in men if she started dry-humping Slobodan Milosevic's corpse-leg while staring at a poster of Ashley Cole. And finally we know that Kirsten Dunst is, or recently has been, off her chops on booze or drugs.

A week ago we reported that Kirsten Dunst was in terrible shape at the Sundance festival and looked as if she was on the verge of some sort of breakdown. Although her people quickly denied this, it appears that Kirsten Dunst has just checked into the same Utah rehab facility that looked after Eva Mendes during whatever it was that was wrong with her last week.

And, brilliantly, reports are suggesting that Kirsten Dunst was twatted when she checked in. Star reports:

"She desperately needed help," a source in Utah tells Star. "She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears. She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she's getting the help she needs."  

People have long questioned Kirsten Dunst's behaviour, noticing that she liked a drink and that she seemed to assume that Spider-Man would crumble if she ever left, when really it'd be identical except there'd be less bad-toothed ginger girls dancing the Twist and cooking an omelette at the same time.

However, Kirsten Dunst's timing couldn't have been more impeccable. By deciding to get intoxicated, start crying and head to rehab when she did, Kirsten missed all the paparazzi circus because everyone was too busy filming Britney Spears' car from helicopters.

It's a smart move, and no doubt it'll be copied by other celebrities trying to hide their problems. If that's the case, look out for an A-list stampede to Utah when Britney Spears tries to kill herself next. You heard it here first.

Read more:

Star Exclusive: Kirsten Dunst In Rehab! – Star 

And then we discovered that Kirsten Dunst is apparently on the verge of a giant Britney-style nervous breakdown.

It's the cosmic balance in action. Britney gets better, Kirsten Dunst goes a bit batshit. By God, Vanessa Hudgens must be praying that Kirsten Dunst never gets better.

Scientists and physicians have spent centuries trying to get the bottom of mental illness by studying the various ticks and traits that add towards an accurate diagnosis. But they missed one very obvious symptom – if you ever find Johnny Borrell from Razorlight even slightly attractive, then you're clearly as loopy-doolally batshit cuckoo as they come. 

Kirsten Dunst was once Johnny Borrell's girlfriend. So, you know, already it's not looking great for the girl. 

And now it seems that the repressed psychological wounds that come from having a boyfriend who prances around in a pair of his mum's white jeans all day have started to kick back. It's been reported that Kirsten Dunst looks set to become the next celebrity to have a full-on wibbling breakdown. PageSix reports:

Kirsten Dunst's strange ways have tongues wagging that she's "on the verge of a breakdown." The starlet came late, left early and "acted erratic" during a recent event at Sundance, according to insiders. The source added that friends of the actress made apologies on her behalf, saying, "Kirsten is not in a good place right now."

Well, obviously Kirsten Dunst wasn't in a good place if she was in Utah. She was at a place where midgets attack cars, for crying out loud. But as for her frame of mind, who knows? The Sundance appearance was Kirsten Dunst's first appearance for a number of weeks, so nobody is sure if her behaviour was genuinely worrying or just a spot of moviestar dickery in action.

Although Kirsten Dunst's representatives have claimed that she's not mad or heading for a breakdown, she's definitely raised eyebrows in the past. Just last year Kirsten was threatening to quit acting because some people didn't like a film she was in. While that sort of hyper-sensitivity makes us think that Kirsten Dunst could be a likely target for a breakdown, you shouldn't really equate making badly-received films with emotional breakdowns.

Because if you did, Jessica Alba would be the maddest bastard on the whole effing planet.

Read more:

Dunst on Verge of Trouble – Page Six