Watching the evolution between Spider-Man and Spider-Man 3, it was pretty clear what Spider-Man 4 would include.
There’d be about 400 baddies, for starters. And it’d be up to 17 hours long. And it’d be a musical. And all of Spider-Man’s emotions would be signposted by a change of haircut. And Kirsten Dunst would have completed her transformation from busty pin-up to Otzi The Iceman in a ginger wig. And, needless to say, it’d be worse than terrible. Yes, Spider-Man 4 was more or less a done deal.
But not any more. Sony has just decided to bin Sam Raimi, Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst and start Spider-Man 4 from scratch as a gritty teenage drama in a move rumoured to have the codename ‘Project Let’s Try And Make Something Even Worse Than Spider-Man 3‘.
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Kirsten Dunst used to bump uglies with Johnny Borrell, so she knows a thing or two about unbearably dirty-looking nobsacks.
And what’s Unbearably Dirty-Looking Nobsack Lesson One? That you don’t let them near you. That’s why Kirsten Dunst has just got restraining order against Christopher Smith, a man who was allegedly caught trespassing on her property.
Now everyone’s happy. Kirsten Dunst no longer has to live in fear, and Christopher Smith can just start stalking things that remind him of Kirsten Dunst, like a drunk horse that’s fallen face-first down a giant flight of concrete stairs or something.
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If the failings of Spider-Man 3 could be summed up in two words, they’d be ‘Kirsten Dunst’ – five words and it’d be ‘Kirsten Dunst and everything else.’
So imagine what the forthcoming Spider-Man 4 and Spider-Man 5 movies would be like without Kirsten Dust’s anemic wailing and egg-based dance routines. You’re imagining they’d be quite good, aren’t you. Well, you’re in luck, because Spider-Man director Sam Raimi is giving off the impression that Kirsten Dunst won’t feature in either of the two new movies.
Actually, we should be a bit more accurate – Sam Raimi implied that Kirsten Dunst’s character Mary-Jane wouldn’t be in the new Spider-Man movies. He also hinted that one of the new Spider-Man villains could be a vicious scaly reptilian humanoid, though, so if that doesn’t warrant a callback for Kirsten Dunst then nothing will.
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Hey, everyone! Get ready for the hecklerspray word of the day.
Today’s word: depressed. Adjective.
1. Sad, gloomy; dejected; downcast.
2. Being or measured below the standard or norm.
3. The reason you say you went to rehab, but everyone probably knows you’re a bit of a drunkard because there’s always loads of pictures of you stumbling out of clubs and parties pretty trashed.
Now, try to apply the correct definition to the following statement: Kirsten Dunst has publicly announced that her recent trip to rehab was because she was depressed.
And yes, the correct answer is ‘all of the above’.
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You know the other day when people were all like 'Kirsten Dunst needs help' and Kirsten Dunst's people were all like 'Shut up, Kirsten Dunst is fine'?
Yeah, they're liars. Kirsten Dunst has reportedly checked into rehab in Utah and – best of all – it's been suggested that she was off her face on something or other when she did.
Now, it's too early to know what – if anything – Kirsten Dunst is addicted to so badly that she needs to attend rehab for it, but senior experts have ruled out toothpaste, dental floss, dental braces or anything to do with her whole dental region because, well, look at her.
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You know, this morning we suddenly thought "What if all this psychiatric treatment makes Britney Spears normal again? Will our stockpiled pithy wisecracks go to waste?"
And then we discovered that Kirsten Dunst is apparently on the verge of a giant Britney-style nervous breakdown.
It's the cosmic balance in action. Britney gets better, Kirsten Dunst goes a bit batshit. By God, Vanessa Hudgens must be praying that Kirsten Dunst never gets better.
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